The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Sarah Palin is…That Gov!

JOHN McCAIN (Gordon Jump) is pacing as his ADVISERS look on. In the background, several TVs are tuned to Barack Obama’s address to the Democratic Convention.
McCAIN: My friends, I gotta tell you, tonight with that speech Obama set my ass on fire like his tongue was a Zuni rocket and my bunghole was the deck of the U.S.S. Forrestal. I’m in trouble here, my friends, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m going to make history tonight and name Joe Lieberman as my running mate! Imagine that, a Jew on the ticket for the first time in–
ADVISER: Uh, actually, Senator, Al Gore ran with Lieberman in 2000.
McCAIN: What? Oh. Well…What about Colin Powell? Nobody’s ever picked a black man for veep before!
ADVISER #2: Well…No, but…Obama…skin…kinda…black…ish…
McCain paces, a bright red flush rising up his face like a thermometer. The Advisers murmur amongst themselves.
McCAIN: What about a woman? No one’s ever –
ADVISER: Geraldine Ferraro in –
McCAIN: (SAVAGELY) I mean a HOT woman! I wouldn’t let Geraldine Ferraro clean out my spit valve if I was down to my last dollar in the cheapest whorehouse in Saigon and she was giving away Green Stamps!
ADVISOR #2: But who? Kay Bailey Hutchinson? Carly Fiorina? Condi Rice?
McCAIN: No! No! No!
Suddenly, the door to the conference room opens and a wide-eyed YOUNG WOMAN stands on the threshold.
GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: Oh, I’m sorry! I’m looking the NRA seminar on shooting elderly lawyers in the face…
McCAIN looks thunderstruck for a moment, then he wheels and POINTS at Palin.
McCAIN: I want…THAT Gov!
[Cue Theme Song]
Pageants, Oil Spills, Snowflakes
That Gov!
Abusing, Office, Indictment?
That Gov!
She knows how to gut a moose…
Joe Biden should have such a phat caboose!
PUMAs, Pro-Life, WTF?
That Gov!
Names her, Children, Stupidly,
That Gov!
She’s got 4 kids and one other,
She’s her own son’s grandmother!
If you find a Gov to love,
Only one Veep,
To keep,
Then she’ll be That Gov too…
That Gov!
h/t to Mary for the idea.
UPDATE:  In the comments below, Doghouse Riley recalls the That Girl theme as an instrumental; and so it was, until the final season, when lyrics were added, a gesture which apparently acted on the audience much the way a cross affects a vampire.  Anyway, for those who missed it, here’s the Season Five theme song, replete with diamonds, daisies, snowflakes, and of course, That Girl.
And the Hoosier Sage keeps the party rolling by deftly shoehorning Governor Palin into the sensible low-heeled pumps of another beloved sitcom career gal:
…so here’s mine, to the tune of the Mary Tyler Moore Theme (neighborhood of D, boys):
Who can turn the world on with a dube (but won’t enjoy it)?
Who can qualify for Veep
when her previous job was at Jiffy Lube?
Shot a moose once in her pajamas,
Named a daughter for a
race track in Alabama (okay, Tennessee).
Oil all around why won’t we drill it?
Wildlife runnin’ loose won’t someone kill it?
She might just make it after a-alllll.
She’s like that guy from Walking Ta-alll.
She’ll kick Joe Biden in the ba-allls.
She’s gonna make it after all!
Berets in the air, people!
Posted by scott on August 31st, 2008

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