The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

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Saturday, July 5, 2014

A Visit From The Wisdom Tooth Fairy

In his latest column, Pastor Swank informs us that “McCain won debate on wisdom,” which I guess is less femmy than winning on points, or even a TKO.  Anyway, Swank believes that John McCain acquitted himself well in the contest, but if the Pastor were to pick nits, he feels that if McCain has one obvious flaw it’s that he’s not an immortal, like Jesus or Christopher Lambert.
There is nothing like wisdom accumulated over time.
It’s like a rich, finely aged cheese, but not as binding.
Of course, every mortal has his flaws. John McCain being mortal fits right in there.
If America wanted perfection, it would have to go for a biblical theocracy.
At this point the pastor paused in his ruminations to go change his pants.
But our Republic is a democracy led by human beings who have their imperfections.
McCain has his imprecations. B.. Hussein has his crimes. There is a difference.
Which is why the choice is clear.  On the one hand we have a larcenous Negro, on the other we have a wizened, pasty mortal who, apparently…likes to curse?
When McCain delivered at the debate, he won hands down because of his wisdom. It did not take drama to produce his finger counting experiences — running over ten fingers and then needing another hand or two.
And the sight of McCain performing rudimentary calculations, using a pair of severed human hands he’d brought to the podium, only further enhanced his reputation as a slightly befuddled badass.
McCain was not reciting from a textbook that he read in preparation for the talk-about. He candidly — without fanfare and drawing attention — ticked off one geographical location and headline leader after another.
Originally, McCain wanted to stage the debate in a spelling bee format, but ultimately decided that would just be showing off.
He went back years to situations that molded America. He recalled at times exact quotations from such individuals as US Presidents.
He conjugated verbs, and often emphasized them with a gesture.  He took sips of water without dribbling, and his autonomic nervous system successfully maintained his heart rate and respiration so he never once turned blue and fell over.
McCain drew on his mental file. And in that file was much that makes him the man for walking ready-made into the Oval Office.
Because one of the files is marked, “Bipedal Locomotion.”
B. Hussein is indeed dangerous on many points, most of them points that could stick into one balloon after another, all bringing down the executive branch of our government.
To be frank, I think we should call a constitutional convention and reconsider this whole concept of a lighter-than-air executive branch, especially after what happened with President Steve Fossett.
Further, McCain put to rest the predictions that he would lose and so be a do-nothing-nonproductive because he is 72. No one should ever bring that age factor up again, including the obscene ads the B. Hussein campaign is putting out about McCain’s skin cancer!
In addition, McCain being smaller in height than B. Hussein did not make a hoot at the debate. That can be laid in the casket as well.
I wouldn’t say “casket” around McCain, he’s a little sensitive…
Moreover, McCain not as sweet looking as The Boy can be hung out to dry.
Um…Do you want to rephrase that, Pastor?
In other words, McCain won the debate because he spoke in-depth on the issues presented. He spoke from his heart, from his head.
He whistled through his nostrils, and yodeled from his colon.
Note also that McCain did not tie himself to George W. Bush.
And in today’s political climate, that took courage.
That can be put in the coffin as well.
Look, Pastor, you’re talking about a man as old as Hoover Dam; I doubt he appreciates your repeating the C-word.
No.  The other C-word.
McCain, being his own conscience and not a cookie cutter copy for any mortal or party, presented himself as the individualist that he sincerely is. That is wisdom honed over time. You can’t beat that.
I defy you to even understand it.
B. Hussein is no match for the wisdom over time. No wonder then that when B. Hussein looked in McCain’s direction, McCain just looked straight ahead — nobly, in fact.
It’s sad how many people these days mistake noblesse oblige for dickishness.
It was as if McCain was thinking, “Let The Boy say what he has to say, he has no idea where I come from.”
And that is the truth.
That McCain’s a racist asshole too?
McCain’s wisdom quotient is so high and clear that B. Hussein has no ladder even beginning to reach the first layer.
Now I understand why Swank hasn’t been producing as many columns per day lately: he attempted poetry without first warming up and gave himself a hernia.   Get well soon, pastor.

Posted by scott on Tuesday, September 30th, 2008 at 9:41 pm.

18 Responses to “A Visit From The Wisdom Tooth Fairy”

“If America wanted perfection, it would have to go for a biblical theocracy.”
Holy shit. Even for Swank that’s pretty out there. Just…damn.
It’s bad enough that Swank keeps referring to Obama as “B. Hussein”, now he’s referring to him as “The Boy”? Now I really, REALLY want to punch this guy.
Of course I know it’s wrong of me to feel that way. I mean, clearly he’s suffering from some form of dementia, and can’t therefore be held responsible for crap like this. Maybe I should direct my rage at whoever keeps encouraging him to write instead of, say, fingerpainting or fashioning pot holders.
“It was as if McCain was thinking, “Let The Boy say what he has to say, he has no idea where I come from.”
O.K. that’s the third time at least Swank has called Obama Boy. Is he that much of an asshole or is he that clueless?
So Swank writes his columns in English, then has them translated to Japanese and then back to English before publishing, right?
Because that’s the only way I can explain the tortured syntax.
“McCain, being his own conscience and not a cookie cutter copy for any mortal or party…”
WTF?
This has been a hilarious read. Thanks.:-)
Anyone want to take bets on how long until Swank starts calling Obama the N-word?
“He candidly — without fanfare and drawing attention — ticked off one geographical location and headline leader after another.”
This in fact I am not surprised to find impresses people like Swank. Most of them can barely imagine the geography of this country 150 beyond their hometown. The fact that he could pronounce Uzebekistan (sp?) and all the other surrounding Balkin countries probably really floored him.
“And in that file was much that makes him the man for walking ready-made into the Oval Office.”
And at my computer was much that makes me the person for suffering, ready-made, this column of Paster Swank.
Jeebus save us!
In his latest column, Pastor Swank informs us that “McCain won debate on wisdom,”
Shorter Swank: Uppity Negro gets cuffed.
Tom, you might be on to something! Here’s the paragraph in question, translated to Japanese and then back to English:
McCain with his himself conscience for the human or the party and the copy of the cutter of the cookie which is not, showed thing him himself where him sincerity is included as an individualism person. That is the intelligence which inside that is ground with the grindstone. It is not possible to strike that.
That actually sounds kinda’ cool, you know?
The fact that he could pronounce Uzebekistan (sp?) and all the other surrounding Balkin countries probably really floored him.
You did that on purpose, didn’t you…
(Please say yes.)
I think the real question here is how J. Sidney can expect people to vote for a man named after the capital of Austria.
Bill S., I think it’s okay to want to beat on Swank. Perhaps you could drive out the demons.
Scott- do you write for the Daily Show? ‘Cause if you do, Jon will pissed that you used the best jokes in a blog! Way to go!
It is sad, because I used to like Swank, the way I like “Manos, Hands Of Fate”. But now I see he isn’t an incredibly ill-made and stupid movie with women in underwear with sheer nightgowns over it (what’s the point of sheer?).
No, he’s a racist.
using a pair of severed human hands he’d brought to the podium
The only way you’ll get McCain’s cold dead hands is if you take them from his cold dead hands.
Yes, I have used that joke before, and there is a high likelihood that some time in the future I will use it again.
McCain drew on his mental file.
He not only drew, he doodled.
THE LOVE SONG OF J. ALFRED SWANKROCK
1.
In addition, McCain
being smaller in height
than B. Hussein
did not make a hoot
at
the debate.
That can be laid in the casket as well.
B. Hussein
is no match
for the wisdom over
time.
2.
No wonder then
that when
B. Hussein
looked in McCain’s direction,
McCain just looked straight ahead
— nobly,
in
fact.
3.
McCain’s wisdom quotient
is
so
high
and clear
that
B. Hussein has no ladder
even beginning
to reach
the first layer.
Also, Jesus.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Good God, that man is stupid!
And he can’t write, either.
So there.

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