Jonah Has Been Outsourced to Renew America

Jonah’s analysis of the Georgian situation, brilliant as it might have been (in another reality), failed to delve into root causes.  So, for that, we must go to Renew America’s crack geo-political analyst, Time/Warner Todd Huston.

Georgia/Russian war: blame Obama

See how it’s done, Jonah? 

 Anyway, Time/Warner uses most of his column to show off his knowledge of Russian airport history, so let’s just skip to the part where he presents his perfect-storm-of-wingnuttery thesis.

But, the question remains, why did Saakashvili decide to attempt to pacify the separatists in South Ossetia now? The only answer can be that he is trying to solve his problem now while Bush is still in office so that if things escalate too badly he can appeal to American intervention. Saakashvili understands well that if he makes this move after Obama takes the White House, the Georgians cannot expect any help from what will surely be a weak American foreign policy and a gutted American military.

[...]

Once Obama gets into the White House bad actors the world over understand that they will be on the rise. And Mikheil Saakashvili understands this and made his move accordingly.

Obama’s weakness has been the catalyst for this conflict.

Yes, it’s all Obama’s fault for becoming President in 2009 and doing away with the military, thus not being in a position to support Georgia after it provokes Russia in 2010, gets invaded, and becomes an unwilling member of USSR2 (this time it’s personal).  Sadly, Obama’s weakness also leaves us totally vulnerable to the space alien attack of 2011, which results in the human race becoming the protein portion of  Space McDonald’s intergalatic Happy Meals. 

So, the Georgian President had no choice but to go back in time and provoke Russia NOW, while President Bush is still in office and feeling women at the Olympics, in order to save humanity.  See, it all makes sense now! 

And, sadly, bad actors understand this and will be on the rise, thus doubly dooming humanity, which will be forced to deal with hammy performances of “Fiddler on the Roof” on top of everything else.   We can only hope that Time/Warner sends an android back in time to kill Obama’s mother before she gives birth to him.  Otherwise, the future offers no respite from Russian hegemony, peace,  and the cast of “The Hills.”

Posted by s.z. on August 14th, 2008