Shaking

From the Washington Post:

McCain was almost upstaged at the rally here by Palin, who drew rapturous applause from the crowd with her bubbly declaration — twice — that she and McCain were “going to Washington, D.C., to shake things up!”

Yeah, shaking is good — except for babies.  Don’t shake them. 

(Oh, and does anybody remember the commercial with the Southern kid who announced that the chicken was “Shake ‘N Bake, and I halped!”  Do they even make Shake ‘N Bake anymore?  Do they make it for moose?)

Anyway, although we don’t know exactly what kind of changes Sarah is proposing for when she hits D.C. (except that lipstick will either be mandatory or outlawed), based on her statements on the record, here are my predictions for what Sarah will do if she becomes President.  (You know, after McCain dies in office, either from one of the aliments guys in their 70s frequently fall victim too, or something a little more Borgia-eque.)

1.  Expand the use of School Vouchers, Ban Gay Marriage, and Support Families By Issuing Each Mother (Wed or Unwed) a Handgun

Q: In relationship to families, what are your top three priorities if elected governor?

A: 1. Creating an atmosphere where parents feel welcome to choose the venues of education for their children.
2. Preserving the definition of “marriage” as defined in our constitution.
3. Cracking down on the things that harm family life: gangs, drug use, and infringement of our liberties including attacks on our 2nd Amendment rights.
Source: Eagle Forum 2006 Gubernatorial Candidate Questionnaire Jul 31, 2006 Sarah Palin on Civil Rights

Yeah, because if guns are outlawed, only outlaws can shoot the gang members, drug dealers, and sex education teachers that harm family life.

2.   Help the Poor By Doing Away with Welfare and Instead Issuing Them a Gun and a Hunting Permit.   (Recipes for Moose Stew will be provided instead of food stamps.  Citizens in urban settings will be informed that even nontraditional game like opossums, rats, and puppies can make tasty eating).

Like many Alaskans, Gov. Sarah Palin is a lifelong hunter and strong proponent of Second Amendment rights. A longtime member of the National Rifle Association, she told USA Today when she was running for governor as a Republican in 2006 that “We hunt as much as we can, and I’m proud to say our freezer is full of wild game we harvested here in Alaska.” Palin’s favorite food? “Moose stew after a day of snowmachining,” she said.
Source: Q&A with Newsweek’s Brian Braiker Aug 29, 2008Sarah Palin on Gun Control

I look forward to seeing Sarah filling the White House freezer with wild game harvested in the Capitol Mall and the National Zoo.  That should help to make state dinners a little more interesting (and mike make factious world leaders think twice before provoking the U.S.A.)!

3.   Provide Greater Support to America’s Troops by Letting Them Hunt Big Game (but only if they return home from war alive).

Governor Sarah Palin today informed Alaska National Guardsmen and women serving in combat that big game hunting opportunities will be available when they return from combat zones this fall. [...] “While I can’t grant our troops the chance to hunt in closed areas or in places with species restrictions, I do want to recognize them and help them hunt this late fall or winter when they get home.”Sarah Palin on Homeland Security

The prospect of moose permits should be all the incentive the troops need to wrap up this war by next fall, when hunting season starts again.  And heck, who needs better health care or pay when they have big game permits!

4.  Resolve All International Conflicts by Drilling for Oil In Wilderness Areas

Q: When I asked John McCain about your national security credentials, he cited the fact that you have commanded the Alaskan National Guard and that Alaska is close to Russia. Are those sufficient credentials?

A: Let me speak specifically about a credential that I do bring to this table, and that’s with the energy independence that I’ve been working on for these years as the governor of this state that produces nearly 20% of the US domestic supply of energy, that I worked on as chairman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, overseeing the oil and gas development in our state to produce more for the United States

.Q: I know. I’m just saying that national security is a whole lot more than energy. A: It is, but I want you to not lose sight of the fact that energy is a foundation of national security. It’s that important. It’s that significant.
Source: ABC News: 2008 election interview with Charlie Gibson Sep 11, 2008 Sarah Palin on Homeland Security

And I don’t want any of you to lose sight of the fact that Alaska IS close to Russia, and as we all know from playing countless games of Risk, proximity is a classic way to CONQUER THE WORLD!   So there, people who claim that Sarah isn’t qualified as a leader!

5.  Will Govern Not by Focus Groups and Polling, but By Personally Knowing Each Voter and His Family

“I was just your average hockey mom and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids’ public education better. When I ran for City Council, I didn’t need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and knew their families, too. Before I became governor of the great state of Alaska, I was mayor of my hometown.  I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.”
Source: Speech at 2008 Republican National Convention Sep 3, 2008 Sarah Palin on Principles & Values

And I guess that being the President is sort of like being a small town mayor, except that you don’t get to shoot as many moose after work.

5.  Greatly Expand the Patriot Act’s Provisions to Monitor U.S. Citizens

The former [state public safety] commissioner, Walt Monegan, has said he felt pressure from Palin’s administration, & her husband, Todd, to fire a state trooper, Mike Wooten, who was going through a bitter divorce with the governor’s sister.

Monegan told The Anchorage Daily News that Palin had showed him some of the findings of a private investigator the family had hired and accused the trooper of a variety of misdeeds, including drunken driving & child abuse.

Who needs wire taps and computer intercepts when you can just hire private investigators to root out national security risks, dangerous state troopers, and bad brothers-in-law?

Yes, with Palin in Washington shaking things up, it will be a brave new world indeed!

Posted by s.z. on September 16th, 2008