The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Gov. Palin To Stalk World Leaders

In a frantic effort to burnish her national security credentials, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is flying to New York for the opening of the United Nations General Assembly, where she plans to go on a whirlwind shopping spree of foreign dignitaries.
Over the course of just 30 hours in New York City starting on Tuesday, the Republican vice-presidential nominee is scheduled to meet with seven world leaders…Afghan President Hamid Karzai, Colombian President Alvaro Uribe and former secretary of state Henry Kissinger, Palin will hold separate private talks with Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, Pakistani President Ali Zardari, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili, Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko…
This still leaves her short of Biden’s score, however, so Governor Palin plans to supplement her experience by pretending to confer with the leaders of several fictitious countries, including the King of Ruritania from The Prisoner of Zenda, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick from The Mouse That Roared, and the Grand Exalted High Macha of Raspur from What’s Up, Tiger Lily?  She’s also bringing a pair of high-powered Zeiss binoculars to scan the grounds of the U.N. for migratory potentates, and according to the rules of birdwatching she’s entitled to log such encounters as “meetings,” so long as the foreign officials match their description in the field guide and she doesn’t get close enough to disturb their nests.
Meanwhile, the McCain campaign continues to insist that governing a state which shares a maritime border with Russia qualifies as experience in foreign affairs, although at least one aide admits that it’s“metaphorical” experience.
A senior campaign aide who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity admitted that Palin’s knowledge of Russia may be limited to the way someone from Miami might obtain a general feel for Latin America.
“It is very much being able to look off the tip of Alaska,” the aide said. “Metaphorically, I’m talking about.”
Each day of this campaign seems to bring us closer and closer to a wholly imaginary presidency, and personally, I can’t wait.  The only time you’ll ever have to hear about administration policies is when you and your friends are sitting around a campfire, trying to scare each other.  Dick Cheney will remain hidden in the bowels of the earth, appearing only when the Senate majority leader says his name three times into a mirror so he can break a tie.  And the President will live on largely in myth and legend, glimpsed only occasionally and from a distance as he strides to his helicopter, like those shaky, out of focus Bigfoot films.
Join us, and pledge your support now!  Sasquatch / Chupacabra 2008!
Posted by scott on Monday, September 22nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm.

24 Responses to “Gov. Palin To Stalk World Leaders”

Sasquatch/Chupacabra? What is that, the Green Party ticket? Tree-hugger. Screw that. I’m going Libertarian Party. Windigo/Ogopogo ’08! They *laugh* at global warming and increasing sea levels.
Apparently Palin has also now been to Disneyworld, which I think counts as foreign policy experience.
But I love this entry. The Cheney thing made me snort Tab onto my keyboard. Kudos.
What? No Fredonia????
She’d be unworthy of the high trust that’s been placed in her if she didn’t do everything in her power to keep the beloved Freedonia in peace with the world. She’d be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino, and offer him on behalf of her country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn’t. A fine thing that’ll be. She holds out her hand and he refuses to accept. That’ll add a lot to her prestige, won’t it? Her, the subhead-to-be, maybe, of a country, snubbed by a foreign ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here, and make a sap of her in front of all her people? Think of it – she holds out her hand and that hyena refuses to accept. Why, the cheap ball-pushing swine, he’ll never get away with it I tell you, he’ll never get away with it.
That strange, me stumping for Bigfoot all this election season. Think jowly white-hair man have nothing on Bigfoot Straight-Talk Express. And Bigfoot have much more substantial experience on mammal killing even than lady with big shiny windows on face. Also can relate to king and commoner alike; no biggie. Bigfoot handlers say Bigfoot have the common touch.
Co-opting the opening of the General Assembly and making it into an opportunity to print a bogus Diploma in Foreign Policy for one party’s VP candidate… I suppose it’s the kind of petty misuse of power you take for granted now. But surely the sheer degree of pettiness is going to disenchant a few people. It’s like ordering your assistants at the office to help your daughter with her science project.
Sasquatch / Chupacabra 2008!
Attuned as I am to superficial appearances rather than to personality, the Republican ticket this year will always beMoomintroll and Mymble 08 to me.

Great. We called in chits from every government dependent on us for its security, plus anyone lined up for more up-to-date weapons systems. And Kissinger. Is that supposed to impress me, or reassure me, or convince me to commit suicide before the elections? I don’t quite have a handle on their thinking here. Are we sure having her view all those minorities for the first time all at once is a good idea?
The Queen of Soul was just in town Saturday. She’d be good, if available. And B.B. King. Eddie “The King” Feigner died last year, unfortunately, but Earl Weaver is still alive. I’m sure there are any number of Sausage Kings in the NYC area, and she’s already met several real estate barons. The Presidents of the Five Boroughs. Stretch, the reigning King of the Hobos. Count Floyd. Lady Foot Locker. Oh, and Baron von Raschke.
Palin’s knowledge of Russia may be limited to the way someone from Miami might obtain a general feel for Latin America.
If Palin/McCain are elected, a very large number of Americans will be obtaining a general feel for Latin America.
I’ll bet she’ll keep Kissinger on his toes, probably make give him a run on one of the five languages he knows. Or possibly they could discuss the finer points of the Nixon era China treaty.
What? No Fredonia????
she buys her light bulbs from Sylvania, does that count as well?
I was going to say the same regarding Kissinger Riley. I was thinking that possibly they’ll all meet at midnight and Kissinger will hold a seance. He’ll summon the mighty forces of Reaganut and Tricky Dick to further educate and advise Palin.
Reagan will advise to find a good astrologist and Nixon will advise good wire taps. Lord. Republicans have really been the party of nuts for quite some time when looked at from a wide view (or stance).
Well, that sews up Foreign Policy, and she’s already an Energy Expert, one could say her being Queen Of Pork makes her savvy about economics, Bridge to Knowhere= infrastructure experience. Sarah’s got it all! But WAIT! What about FEMA? How will she deal with hurricanes and floods and earthquakes (oh my!)
Foreign policy as speed dating?
Palin’s knowledge of Russia may be limited to the way someone from Miami might obtain a general feel for Latin America.
It was my impression that in Miami you can hardly get away from Spanish-speakers and Latin American culture. The number of Russian speakers in Alaska? Not so many [Ninilchik Russian / Aleut creole not included].
“It is very much being able to look off the tip of Alaska,” the aide said. “Metaphorically, I’m talking about.”
And because I am able to look out my window and see the moon, that makes me a NASA rocket scientist. Or maybe an astronaut/super model. You know, methaphorically.
I’m sure I’m missing something, but the sweetheart of the John Birch Society is going to burnish her foreign policy credentials by hanging out at the UN?
Moomintroll and Mymble 08
As a Finn, I take great offense at lumping our dearest Mumin in with McCain!!!! How dare you!?
As a dual-citizen…LMAO!
Foreign policy as speed dating?
Comment of the thread!
Well, julia, it’s not like she’s going to *listen* to these people. She’s just going to do the photo-op thing, because apparently some voters that she needs, however elitist and hung up on “experience” they are, seem to think it’s a good thing. It’s like Bush being on the news talking to poor people who’ve just lost their homes or whatever. It’s okay as long as you don’t *learn* anything from it.
What about Emperor Palpatine and Chancellor Gawron ? Palin’s Hotness transcends this Solar System !
The honorable Goldie Hawn was a cocktail waitress before she was hand-selected to be a diplomat way back in 1984, and she handled herself with grace and charm. I model myself on her.
“Just a movie?” What?
” Over the course of just 30 hours in New York City starting on Tuesday, the Republican vice-presidential nominee is scheduled to meet with seven world leaders…
This still leaves her short of Biden’s score, however, so Governor Palin plans to supplement her experience by pretending to confer with the leaders of several fictitious countries… She’s also bringing a pair of high-powered Zeiss binoculars to scan the grounds of the U.N. for migratory potentates, and according to the rules of birdwatching she’s entitled to log such encounters as “meetings,” so long as the foreign officials match their description in the field guide and she doesn’t get close enough to disturb their nests.”
I believe, back in the day, that she’d have been called a “star-fucker.”
Does that make me a sexist?
Oh, and never having been to Disneyland (and yes, I’m perfectly okay with that), D. Sidhe, wouldn’t her going to EPCOT be more, well, “worldly”? I don’t think that I need to go into the story about that Moroccan “street musician” when I was 15 to fully illustrate the point, do I?
“And Kissinger. Is that supposed to impress me, or reassure me, or convince me to commit suicide before the elections?”
Doghouse, honey… Kissinger has been in charge of all of the shit that’s been going on since GHWB came into power in ’88. He’s been moving the chess pieces all the fuck along, and NOW you’re surprised? C’mon. You knew it, didn’t you?
And as naive as Aretha was in her autobiography, do you honestly think that she could be in the same room as Caribou Barbie without having to open-up a BIIIIGGGGGG ol’ can of Whoop-Ass on that twinkie??!?!! Sure, B.B. has to watch his blood pressure, and ‘Retha’s supposed to keep hers down (quitting smoking has been ROUGH on a girl), but I’d give my
FUCKING PIECE-OF-SHIT PSYCHOTIC MOTHERFUCKING COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did NOT hit the fucking SUBMIT button!!!!!
Great way to blow a fucking punchline. And an entire fucking comment.
at any rate… I’d give my CATS to see Aretha Franklin stomp Sarah Palin like the bony little rat-fink that she is. Wouldn’t take but one good foot.
And Herr Doktor, one thing that I learned in my 8 wasted months in Miami Beach (since I never learned how in the fuck to find a JOB there), it’s that while Cubano/Salvadoran/Honduran/Guatemalan/Nicaraguan/etc. hispanic cultures are prevalent, there is also a rather large sub-culture of farmer-tanned redneck caucasian/white-trash motherfuckers. They’re called M.B.P.D. And they followed my multi-stickered pickup truck home every fucking time that I left that fucktarded island. Why in the fuck there wasn’t a toll booth at the Broward County line, I have no fucking idea.
But S.Z., you ARE an astronaut/supermodel, dammit! Hell, you’ve got more scientific and diplomatic experience than most of the redneck cronies running NASA *or* John Bolton!
Afghan President Hamid Karzai, Colombian President Alvaro Uribe… Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, Pakistani President Ali Zardari, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili, Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko…
I’ll take “Heads of State so indebted to the US that they’ll lend themselves as props for party-political photo opportunities”, for $700, Alex.
Do they get to wear “I’m Bush’s Bitch” t-shirts afterwards? How about ceremonial studded dog-collars?
Those bondage collars cost extra, Dok. Especially if you want the spikes to point OUTWARDS.
But then, after enduring Caribou Barbie, they probably wanted the sharpest spikes right on their jugulars…

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