The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Donald Wildmon, Apostle To The Ferrets

I’ve always envied Donald wildmon, Founder and Chairman of the American Family Association, because my family, while American, largely refuses to associate with each other.  And even if we did all agree to join the United Federation of Families, I doubt very much we could successfully hold caucuses and elect a chairman, because my aunts can’t even decide who’s bringing the cottage cheese and lime Jell-O salad this year.
But I have studied Don’s methods for promoting familial familiarity, and believe that I’ve at long last succeded in discovering the secret architecture of Christendom.  According to the AFA’s blueprints, Western Civilization is build upon the foundation of the nuclear Family.  The Family, in turn, rests upon the rock that is the Church, while the Church is held firm and steady by our Bichon Frises and our Silkie Guinea Pigs.  It’s true!  For ‘lo, one day Brother Wildmon was fighting the War on Christmas, making the aisles run red with the blood of Home Depot clerks and Office Max shelf-stockers.  When he suddenly had a revelation on the Habitrail to Damascus:  That a certain demonic purveyor of aquarium gravel and Liv-A Snaps was trying to keep the Good News that Christ our savior was born on Christmas Day from reaching our pets in the form of rawhide candy canes and gag reindeer antlers.
Reading his stirring, St. Crispiny call to arms, one is led to conclude this is either the Final Battle in the War on Point of Purchase Displays, or Wildmon is scrapping the bottom of the barrel so hard he’s through the wood and the sod and halfway to magma.
If you listened to PetSmart, you’d almost think your parakeets and tropical fish were atheists!
Send an e-mail to PetSmart and ask why they refuse to include Christmas in their promotion, choosing to only use holiday.
At PetSmart, Christmas doesn’t exist. It is not to be found anywhere on their Web Site. AFA checked out the local PetSmart store and there was no Christmas there, either.     
A search on PetSmart’s home page found 252 references to “holiday.” It also found 43 references to “Christmas.” But, alas, this is very misleading. When you click on “Christmas” you are directed to a page containing the same gifts you get when you search for holiday. Of all the items that pop up when you search for Christmas, not a single one mentions Christmas or is identified as being a Christmas gift.
And if, say, a chew toy isn’t specifically identified as a “Christmas gift” on a company’s website, then when when you unwrap it on Christmas Day and toss it to your dog he’ll just think you’re being nice, and won’t realize that the rawhide bone represents the body of Christ.
Even worse, I’ve discovered by following the link in the AFA “Action Alert!” that PetSmart isn’t merely mocking the faith of Christian gerbils, it’s deceitfully trying to disguise its banishment of Christmas from its website by including Christmas on it’s website!
The bastards…
With they stop at nothing to keep this holiest of days from our nation’s tabbies and shizus?
Apparently not.  I mean, what better way to keep Christ away from animals than by getting St. Francis involved?
Still, with all the trouble in the world, and all the needy people this holiday season, why would an evangelical organization choose to spend its spleen and energies in parsing whether the Santa and Reindeer effigies pictured above are “Christmas” or “Holiday” danglers?  In this case, they’re both, but that’s not the point.  The point, I suspect, is this:
Thank you for caring enough to get involved. If you feel our efforts are worthy of support, would you consider making a small tax-deductible contribution? Click here to make a donation.
Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman American Family Association

Donate with confidence to AFADonate with confidence to AFA
(gifts are tax-deductible)
I notice he doesn’t insist that you specifically label it a Christmas gift.  But then, if that’s what you’re in the market for, you needn’t grant your custom to the any of the apostate retailers on the AFA site.  You can simply go to the AFA Christmas store, for such steeped-in-the-manger Christmas gifts as The Pond:  Alligator Hunter.
Posted by scott on December 5th, 2007

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