The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Your Tuition Dollars At Work

Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D, Adjunct Professor and Assistant Night Manager at the University of North Carolina-Wilmington, invites us audit his class.  Let’s listen in, shall we?
Welcome to UNC-Wilmington! My name is Dr. Adams and you are enrolled in CRJ 105 (Introduction to Criminal Justice). If you are in the wrong class, please get up and leave now – unless you’re majoring in Women’s Studies in which case you would be ostracized for leaving now. And, by the way, if you dislike bad puns you should also consider leaving this class.
If you’re a woman with a healthy respect for yourself and others, you should get up and leave now before Dr. Mike notices you (he’s like a dog — he can smell self-esteem) and attacks.  If you’re actually interested in the subject of Criminal Justice, you should definitely stay through the end of class so you can ask Dr. Mike to sign your drop slip.  And if you’re a guy who hopes to ever get laid, you can’t get out of this room fast enough.
Today I want to assure you that this year – freshman year for most of you –
“…because the upperclassmen are onto me, and aren’t falling for my patented ”I’m swamped, but you can drop by my office after hours” line anymore.
…will be among the most important years of your life. Many of you will choose a major and start heading down a career path that will bring you deep fulfillment and personal satisfaction. But, unfortunately, some of you will ruin your lives before the year is over.
“By listening to — and worse, believing — anything that comes out of my mouth after I utter the words, ’let me explain.’” 
Let me explain.
Almost every year at UNCW, I see a feminist professor or administrator (sometimes both) handing out condoms to students in the hopes that they will engage in “protected” sexual intercourse.
“Let me just save you some trouble. This doesn’t work.  (I’ve also tried handing out candy, grades, chloroform and Bacardi 151, but today’s students just can’t seem to take a frigging hint.”
The idea is twofold: 1) that a condom will prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, and 2) that as long as no one gets pregnant or gets an STD all is well. Nothing could be further from the truth.
“Except my curriculum vitae.”
This box on my desk is not full of condoms. It is full of copies of the book “Unprotected” by Dr. Miriam Grossman, a psychiatrist who wrote about her experiences working at the student health center at UCLA. The book tells many stories you need to hear – stories you will never hear from the censorious feminists who run the Women’s Resource Center. 
STUDENT:  Um, sir?  This is Introduction to Criminal Justice, right?  I mean, do you have a syllabus to hand out, or a required reading list, or –
DR. MIKE:  Shut up, you little turd!  I’m saving you from free condoms!
And while a book decrying political correctness and the perils of pre-marital intercourse seems like an odd text for an introductory Criminal Justice class, it’s “editorial reviews” consist of one-line encomiums from expert mental health professionals Dr. Laura Schlessinger,Danielle CrittendenMona Charon, and Jennifer Roback Morse, so it’s gotta be good.
For example, Grossman tells the story of one college freshman who started having uncontrollable crying spells. Her depression became so severe that she sought help at the student health center. It did not take long for the therapy sessions to reveal that her problem was a “friendship with benefits” she established during the fall semester. She and her casual sex partner had agreed that they would just sleep together without dating. But she was beginning to long for something more.
Fortunately, it’s impossible to feel unrequited love, or even to develop an emotional attachment to someone you haven’t had sex with.  As a result, young people who come to marriage with their virginity intact don’t fall in love with their spouse until after the wedding night, which makes it imperative that along with teaching abstinence in schools, we must revive the practice of arranged marriages, otherwise none of these kids are going to have any incentive to tie the knot with a comparative stranger they’re just not that into.
On the bright side, this does make therapy sessions much more brief and efficient, since there’s no other conceivable reason but sex for a freshman, away from home and dealing with the social and academic pressures of university life, to experience depression.  Crying co-ed = post-hook up self-loathing.  Prescribe chastity, bill Student Health Services for a 50-minute hour, and shout “next!”
Those espousing the radical feminist agenda at the university had told her that using condoms would protect her – this without any reference to the emotional consequences of casual sex. Such misguided advice is a consequence of a radical shift in feminist politics in recent years. After years of arguing truthfully that women and men are equal, feminists are now arguing falsely that women and men are identical. This is wreaking emotional havoc on young women on our college campuses who have become the pawns of intellectually dishonest feminists. 
And results in confused co-eds siting up in their dorm rooms into the wee hours, rooting around in their panties with increasing frustration for the penis and scrotum with which postmodern feminist theory assures them they’re equipped.
They are the latest casualties in a cultural war whose principal battlefield is the American college campus.
But Dr. Mike is no chickenhawk.  He’d love to enlist, but as this is a war fought with casual and frequent intercourse, the Selective Service has classified Dr. Mike as 4-F.
The same problems that Grossman saw at UCLA are also prevalent on other campuses. For example, this summer, I got a letter from a young woman who was experiencing deep pain as a result of her decision to abandon the values she grew up with and to adopt the values of the “hook-up” culture, which is the dominant culture on most college campuses. She was a virgin in her 18th year. Now, in her 21st year, her number of sex partners has almost caught up with her chronological age. And she is now beginning to learn that there is no condom for the heart.
Condom For The Heart, starring Veronica Hamel, Jamie Gertz, Yasmine Bleeth and Rebecca Gayheart.  Debuts Tuesday at 9 on Lifetime.
Isn’t it nice that troubled, imaginary young women trust Dr. Mike enough to confess their shameless sexual peccadilloes, knowing he would never expose them to censure and public ridicule in his Townhall column?
And men are also put at risk by those who would put political correctness above concern for student well-being.
How many bright young men, led astray by the false idol of feminism, have lost their lives in a vain effort to squeeze their heart into a condom?
This is especially true for gay men.
Oh good.  Dr. Mike is going to practice his love for the gays again.
If you are gay and engaging in anal sex, it is unlikely that you will ever see the words “anal sex” listed among the risk factors for contracting AIDS in any campus publication anywhere.
For instance, in the UCLA publication, Financial Aid Handbook, doesn’t mention anal sex even once, despite having 80% of the acronym AIDS right there in its title.  Case, as the Criminal Justice professor might say, closed.
Nor is it likely that you will ever hear these words mentioned by any professor discussing such risk factors in a relevant lecture.
Most academics are too politically correct to face the hard naked truth of anal sex, and when lecturing their students on risk factors will usually allude to “crack packin’,” or “gettin’ busy with the booty.”
But because your health and well-being is important to me – despite my religious opposition to your lifestyle – I want you to get better information than you are likely to get on this or any other college campus. I’ll start by offering you a copy of Dr. Grossman’s book. If you need additional information, I’ll send you somewhere off campus to ensure that you will get accurate information.
Remember gay students, Dr. Mike is your best friend, because only hecares enough about your well-being to meet you somewhere off campus — perhaps in a dimly lit room – and read you explicit passages about anal sex in an increasingly wheezy voice.
Finally, today, in addition to encouraging you to, at the very least, avoid casual sex outside of a committed relationship, I want to encourage you to join a local church. I personally attend a church called Port City Church located less than a mile from UNCW. Please consider my invitation to come visit us any time.
You may recall that last time we visited with Dr. Mike, he was trying to browbeat his friend “Scott” into attending Port City Church, too.  It may be that the Professor is bursting with evangelical zeal and home church pride, or it may be that his congregation meets alternately at a middle school, and a derelict movie theatre, and they’re trying to raise $14 million for a building, so the more people kicking into the collection plate, the better.
Regardless of your religious affiliation, please don’t allow the official campus religion of moral relativism to invade your mind, your body, and your soul. It happened to me 24 years ago. I’m still recovering from it today.
I know the 12 Steps are hard, and I don’t want to dispute anyone’s assertion that they’re recovering, even from being an asshole, but it’s pretty apparent that Dr. Mike’s fallen off the wagon again.
Posted by scott on August 20th, 2007

39 Responses to “Your Tuition Dollars At Work”

It bothers me that I have to check the fonts to know which Dr Mike said and which Scott said.
Isn’t this kind of “class lecture” the sort of thing David Horowitz bitches about?
What is it about Mike Adams that makes me feel violently ill?
This jackass thinks telling kids condoms don’t work will discourage them from having sex, when all it’s likely to do is discourage kids from using condoms when they’re having sex. Or maybe on some level, he knows that’s exactly what will happen.
“Fortunately, it’s impossible to feel unrequited love, or even to develop an emotional attachment to someone you haven’t had sex with.” Thanks for that, scott. When homobigots pay lip service to concern for my well-being by telling me to be celibate for life, but then ignore the real implications of such advice, I wanna just smack the shit out of them. And if I was to try and literally smack the shit out of Mike Adams, it could take weeks, months maybe.
If he was really concerned with my well-being, he’d shut the fuck up, and in doing so, spare me from being violently ill.
“It happened to me 24 years ago. I’m still recovering today.”
Wow, that really explains a lot doesn’t it? So, he’s a bitter, misogynistic, homophobic, sociopathic prick because he hasn’t gotten over some of the stupid mistakes he made in college, which he blames on liberalism?
Well, who wouldn’t want to take advice from HIM? Except maybe women, gay men, straight men, lesbians, bisexuals, transexuals, asexuals, people who can read, people who CAN’T read, any human being who’s spent 30 seconds with him…
Shit, I meant to write “STRAIGHT women”. Leaving out that adjective makes it sound like lesbians aren’t women, which is something Mike Adams would do. My apologies.
Bill S. said everything I cannot articulate. Thank you. I loath Mike Adams so absolutely that I sutter trying out words to describe him.
[T]he values of the “hook-up” culture, which is the dominant culture on most college campuses.
No, really? I understand (or am “led to believe”) that there may be a little more action on campus these days then when I was a soon-to-be-dropout (Middle of Nixon’s first term as prez, if I must carbon-date myself) but I suspect the “hook-up culture” is composed mostly of the alcoholic, privileged offspring of the classes for whom college is a formality allowing them to “hook-up” (not necessarily in a smutty way) w/ the other members of the privileged classes to perpetuate their dominance of the worlds of business & finance.
And this one: radical feminist agenda. Is there a non-”radical” feminist agenda in Dr. Dilrod’s world? Why yes there is: “Censorious” & “intellectually dishonest.” Whew. Thought he might be setting up a “radical” strawperson there.
If there is a gay student organization or whatever @ Podunk State Teachers College, maybe the Doc should drop in sometime & see if there’s anything in their lierature about the dangers of anal sex. I bet there just might be. There might also be something that disabuses him of the quaint notion that all gay sex is anal sex, but that would probably destroy his entire worldview, so he’d have to deny it.
Someone should bring this latest screed to the attention of the Podunk State administration. It’s one thing to blog away as you will, as long as you don’t claim to be a representative of your school, but if this is really the sort of thing he drops on his students their first day in class, & compounds by publishing world-wide, revealing his affiliation to UNC-Wilmington, there may be some issues to address. Not even The Divine Ms. Althouse or Robo-The Ol’ Perfesser seem to pull this sort of crap. (Not that I’m an expert on either one, I can proudly state.)
Can anyone explain this:
…unless you’re majoring in Women’s Studies in which case you would be ostracized for leaving now.? I usually have a keen insight into the wingnut consciousness, but this is beyond me. Does he mean that the other “gals” in Women’s Studies would ostracize someone for being in the wrong class on the first day of school? Or…or…I just don’t get it.
M. Bouffant: My guess is that he was going for a synonym for “mocked” and dropped in the wrong word. It makes more sense that way, since (in the magical world inside Dr. Mike’s head) any Women’s Studies major would obviously storm out in a huff, giving Mike an opportunity to make fun of her (out of earshot, of course).
Honestly, I wonder how much UNC-Wilmington knows about Dr. Mike’s writings, since a lot of this crap seems like it would be grounds for dismissal, tenure or no. For that matter, I wonder how often they actually audit his classes. If reality matches his claims (unlikely given Mike’s status as the real life Walter Mitty, but let’s pretend, shall we?), he spends less time teaching criminal justice than he does airing his petty grievances against other professors, university groups and students.
My favorite part is when he urges us to “avoid casual sex outside of a committed relationship.” I’m not entirely sure how it’s possible to have casual sex inside a committed relationship, but ya know.
I imagone this is mostly fantasy (I hope) but yeah, in my exeperience it’s the consrvative profs who go off on these political/ideological tangents that have nothing to do with the class material. It’s okay by me beacuse I believe in academic freedom, I’m a big person and can handle listening to something I don’t agree with without dying, and there’s no way I wouldn’ have fallen asleep around “welcome to unc” anyway, but yeah with them constantly screaming for the scalps of anyone who inflicts their personal views on a poor helpless captive audience, well, yeah.
There might also be something that disabuses him of the quaint notion that all gay sex is anal sex, but that would probably destroy his entire worldview, so he’d have to deny it.
I wondered about that. I guess what he’s saying is that straight couples who have anal sex are just as miserable as gay couples who do, but that really, he’s cool with lesbians’ right to be lesbians. Right? Isn’t that what he’s saying?
So THAT was the point of this long, rambling column? Give money to my church? Paragraph upon paragraph re-iterating a bunch of vague stuff about evil feminist sluts and liberals he’s said hundreds of times before, just for that? This was even more pointless than most Mike columns. He didn’t even bother making up some amusing anecdotes to prove how horrible multiculturalism and lesbians are. What a rip-off.
Ah, good ol’ Neo-Con sexuality where women are fragile things that become messes the second they are exposed to the tiniest bit of sexuality. And that any kind of pre-marital sex is doomed to failure and misery, it took me a long time to get over these horrible messages, I’m a much happier and less repressed person because of it.
Drew Johnston:
Are you kidding? He has the best job security in the world. If his employer attempts to fire him, he can holler political persecution, and get the rest of the right winger universe to chime in. He’s got a paycheck barring everything but burning down a school building or homicide. And maybe even that.
Dr. Prof. Mike could probably get fired if he taught classes with his fly wide open and his Mr. Floppy n’ Sack flouncing in teh breeze. If, that is, anybody noticed. ;)
Drew & ciocia:
if the original post can be believed, Mike is an adjunct.
That’s a temp, hired to teach a few classes. Not tenured, not even tenure-track. A bad student evaluation, some complaints, and he’s out on his ass at the end of the semester unless he’s got a fairy godfather in the admin. (Hmmm…)
I am completely appalled at Mike’s wasting class time with a bunch of irrelevent self-serving drivel. It’s unprofessional in the extreme.
And this man is allowed to teach criminal justice because…? Why, exactly? Does he have pictures of the school administrator leading a Satanic orgy or something?
Yes, you will never find mention of anal sex anywhere in AIDS prevention materials. It’s a big gay conspiracy. Except that it’s not, and I remember being told — as a teenager in a CATHOLIC high school, no less — that anal sex is extremely high risk behavior for ANYONE to contract ANY disease. But I suppose Dr. Mike doesn’t consider Catholics real Christians, so there goes that argument. Let’s just agree to disagree.
MAGDA: Stanley and I had disagreement.
DOROTHY: Oh, really?
MAGDA: He saw himself as human being, I disagreed.
–from “The Golden Girls”
Dr. Prof. Mike could probably get fired if he taught classes with his fly wide open and his Mr. Floppy n’ Sack flouncing in teh breeze. If, that is, anybody noticed. ;)
hey, this is a criminal justice class, not microbiology
“For instance, in the UCLA publication, Financial Aid Handbook, doesn’t mention anal sex even once, despite having 80% of the acronym AIDS right there in its title.”
Not to be pedantic, but it’s 75%. It’s ok – I know you took Mike Adams’s math 101 class, where he taught that x + y = vagina.
Wait…people can drop Dr. Mike, Ph.D’s classes? Meaning theyenrolled? I always figured he had some sort of community service deal going on with a Wilmington night court judge. It seemed like the only explanation for his having a job. Sixty days in County, or CRJ 105! No, make that 180.
And I, too, have no real knowledge of today’s hooking-them-up generation, but students are students, and if I’d gone to my first Criminal Justice class and been lectured about condoms, fer or agin, I wouldn’t have just walked out, I’d have marched to the Bursar and demanded double my tuition back.
Re: the incredibly lame pun in Dr. Mike’s first paragraph: I believe he meant this to be read “unless you’re majoring in Women’s Studies in which case you would be ostracized for leaving NOW” (as in the National Organization for Women). It took me forever to figure it out; this goes beyond bad puns and out the other side. Is it really a pun if no one gets it?
I suspect ciocia is right about his job security. Otherwise, they’d have ditched him by now.
And I think I can solve the “Gay org lit doesn’t mention anal sex” conundrum… Dr Mike hasn’t actually read any. If the word “vagina” can send him into days of ED, imagine what the word “dildo” would do, or “dental dam”. There are words in gay org lit that would drive Dr Mike into a coma. He’s the fainting goat of social issues.
For the record, I’m very sad that Dr Mike has never come to whine at us. I mean, that other repulsive asshole has, even Swank has turned up to sulk at us. We’re not good enough for Dr Mike, or even Doug Giles?
Show of hands. How many of you wrote letters filled with the most intimate details of your sex life to [college professor who taught subject unrelated to your sex life]?
Even from an patently imaginary standpoint, this is nuts, weird, and very ewww. Of course, for a guy like Mike who actually got involved with one of his students, maybe not.
The whole post is a fantasy. I don’t think he’d have the courage to actually give such a lecture to his students. If he did, I think most of them would walk out, if they didn’t die laughing first.
Condom for the Heart will make a great Lifetime movie, but there are three steps. 1)Dr. Mike’s writes an atrocious country song. “And she is now beginning to learn/There is no condom for the heart.”(followed by a plaintive pedal steel).
2)Kenny Rogers sings it.
3)It becomes a Christmas Special on Lifetime.
As to the imaginary students issue. If any of these Wilson-the-volleyballs were in fact real ( which is not to say that Dr. Mike does not think they real), there is a pretty good chance he could be fired for violating student-teacher confidentiality, particularly if he was Frank the Bunny’s advisor. ( Dr. Mike is a tenured Associate Professor)
I don’t know about a condom for the heart, but I got a diaphram for the thorax. I hoped that would protect me, but my crime justice instructor (“I’m a Doctor; you can tell me”, he said) reminded me I had to put it in just to “say ‘no’”. I’m so confused.
It’s ok – I know you took Mike Adams’s math 101 class, where he taught that x + y = vagina.
Whereas we all know from elementary genetics that x + y = penis, and 2x = vagina.
Isolating the common term x,
x = penis – y
x = vagina / 2
penis – y = vagina / 2
Which implies
y = penis – (vagina / 2)
Wow strangers at parties with this knowledge.
Okay, every commenter here is smarter than Dr. Mike by, like, thousandths! I’m pretty sure that Kathy hit the nail on the head with that whole-post-is-fantasy thing, kind of like those letters in Playboy…not that I ever, oh shit never mind.
When WoC does Mike Adams, it is like Hendrix playing Dylan. Great source material brings the artist to new heights.
And we all get to brush up on our naughty algebra, too!
I do not like Dr. Mike. He is a neurotic pedant and a bore. Never has anything new to say; just recycling the same old crap over and over. I wish he would get run over by a bus, accidentally shoot himself, have the crap beaten out of him by a lesbian feminist, get arrested for kiddy porn, etc.
I don’t believe for a minute that Dr. Mike actually says one word of this in class. It’s just another one of his pathetic fantasies of what he WOULD say if he wasn’t oppressed by the liberal feminist fascists of North Carolina.
On the other hand, someone should investigate about the girl writing letters detailing her sexual history to the adjunct who teaches criminal justice. I’m 99% sure she’s imaginary, but if she isn’t, there is definitely something very icky and inappropriate going on there.
I bet his church has promised to name the building after him if he raises the most money for it. Can you just picture the “Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D., Cathedral of the Self-Righteous.”
I asked my wife what was “casual sex within a committed relationship” and she said that mean blue jeans and tshirts were allowed.
As Tara the anti-social social worker pointed out, “AID” is indeed only 75% of “AIDS”. And I didn’t even KNOW that “x+y = vagina”.
And tomg: wasn’t “Condom of the Heart” a big hit for Bonnie Tyler back in 1983?
Woodrowfan, I thought it just meant you didn’t have to RSVP.
How long has Dr. Mike been an associate professor. Usually it is 7 years as assistant professor before the appointment to associate. Call it 5-7 for the next appointment to full professor.
And then there are the folks like Dr. Mike. did enough work to get associate and tenure. And then….. nothing. No more research, no more papers. Nothing but deadwood teaching his classes going through the motions, raging against whatever. But never, ever getting promoted to full. He’ll retire an associate professor which is the equivalent of Al Bundy going on about his days as a high school football “star.”
It’d be sad if he weren’t such a loathsome, odious person.
but that really, he’s cool with lesbians’ right to be lesbians. Right? Isn’t that what he’s saying?
Of course; sex that doesn’t involve penetration isn’t really sex. Odd that these prudes are such cock-worshippers, but there you are.
Question: If Mike Adams and Jonah Goldberg had to jump out of an airplane simultaneously and without parachutes, which one would hit the ground first?
Answer:Who cares?
Letters to Dr. Mike could be a great feature!
Dear Dr. Mike,
I never thought this would happen to me, but…I was in my women’s studies class hating on the patriarchy and burning the papier-mache penis we’d made earlier in the semester, when all of a sudden in walked this strapping buck of a criminology professor. He had an enormous package…that he was bringing over to our lesbian professor from the post office. She snarled at him, as she usually did to male visitors, to get his manpaws off her property. He told her where she could stick it, and I just fell in love. I broke into his apartment and fell submissively before his feet begging him to show me the meaning of manliness. Together we worshipped Jeebus by tying a crossbeam to his mighty penis and nailing his hands to it. Later, when I lost my virginity (we removed the crossbeam, don’t worry!) to him, I renounced my lesbianism. I guess it’s kind of like Goldfinger, where Pussy Galore was a lesbian until she met the right man? I bet there’s someone out there for all those confused women.
I should get back to work, but you get the idea?
It would be wonderful to hear from his former students.
Does any WOC’er live near Wilmington? We need someone for a black ops assignment to take “Dr” Adams’ class and report back to us. Of course, our agent would have to sign a document releasing us from any and all psychological damage that s/he would suffer and would be paid, um, well, uh, we’ll get back to you on that…

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