The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Uncle Pat’s Bedtime Story

Scott is dealing with a death in the family, so he asked me to take the wheel for a while.  Yes, I know I’ve been away for a while, but what tales I could tell you!  Tedious, unappealing tales about having to feed abandoned new born kittens every two hours, dealing with a feline distemper outbreak among the shelter cats, raising a kitten with cerebellar brain damage resulting from prenatal exposure to feline distemper, trying to find homes for the nine other kittens I’ve been raising, dealing with a stray Australian Cattle Dog who showed up in my yard this morning, etc.  But perhaps you’d prefer hearing a story from beloved singer/actor/raconteur Pat Boone.  So, here goes:
 A modern American fairy tale,  By Pat Boone  © 2007
Once upon a time, in a land they called America, a little girl was born.
Pretty exciting so far, right?
This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents named her Snow White.
I have to interrupt Pat here to point out that if Mr. and Mrs. White were truly loving, they would never have saddled their exceptional daughter with the moniker “Snow” (unless they had a career as a porn star mapped out for her future).
But back to Pat and his modern American story.
Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect complement to her exquisite ivory skin. And as lovely as she was on the outside, she was even more beautiful within; her sweet, sunny personality absolutely melted everyone who saw her.
Sadly, Frosty the Snowman met his demise this way.
In her early childhood, her parents saw that she was taught all the important things – loving obedience, respect for others, politeness and ladylike behavior, and a childlike faith in God. These things she actually liked, and though she was quite playful and sunny, she exuded character and intelligence.
Being taught to be obedient and ladylike naturally causes you to exude intelligence.
Then she met the Seven Dwarfs.
Musical cue expressing high drama, followed by “Nobody expects the Spanish Inqu . . . I mean, the Seven Dwarfs!”
They’d been tagged with this name because they seemed so weird and insignificant; but they always clustered together, bound by strange, liberal and sometimes seditious beliefs. Some of them were teachers and others members of what was called a “civil liberties union.” Somehow, they steadily gained and exerted mysterious influence. Their names were Sneaky, Dopey, Smarmy, Angry, Sleazy, Grouchy and Dork.
And don’t forget “Hippie,” “Atheisty,” “Commie,” and “Feminazi.”
So, as it happened, just as Snow White entered school, full of innocence and a desire to learn, the Dwarfs managed to change all the rules. They cast a spell over the real and dedicated teachers, tricking them into imbibing a seductive potion they called New Education Alternatives; it sounded so attractive that it became very popular, coming to be known by the shorter “NEA.”
Enticed by tempting promises of shorter hours, more money, lifelong tenure unrelated to performance in the classroom and even political clout as a huge voting bloc, the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from the history books, to forbid absolutely any mention of God in the classroom or in essays, to promote all types of sexuality equally, even to grade-schoolers, to dictate that only evolution could be taught to explain the existence of the living world, and in general to erase any consideration of morality and American tradition.
Yup, that’s EXACTLY what teachers do these days, as all of you teachers out there can testify.  And they do it because the NEA promised them more money if they would!
Of course, Snow White’s parents objected strenuously. They attended PTA meetings and complained that their daughter was continuously being taught things that were diametrically opposed to what they’d taught her at home, but their complaints were dismissed out of hand.
You’d think that the king and queen of the land would get better results from the local school board.
And sadly, while they did their best to counteract the evil influence of the Dwarfs, little Snow White was drawn into the pervasive spell cast over the whole school system.
Thus proving that parents are powerless to counteract the influences of the all-mighty NEA, which is probably the most effective mind control agency known to man.
When she was barely into her teens, she began to experiment sexually, first with other kids and then with one of her grown teachers.
I TOLD you that her loving parents never should have named her “Snow White.”
Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch! Poor Snow White had been drawn into drugs as well as sex, and she soon discovered she was pregnant. The Dwarfs were only too happy to arrange an abortion – without notifying her parents. Confused and disillusioned, Snow White moved in with the wicked witch, eventually claiming to be her “wife.”
And this sordid outcome all resulted because Snow was taught about evolution in the public schools.  Don’t let it happen to your child!
In another part of town, in another spellbound school, a handsome young boy named Prince Charming was going through similar experiences. Snow White and Prince Charming would have made a perfect couple, as their parents would have dreamed – but under prolonged exposure to the same hypnotic spell, the boy was seduced by each of the Dwarfs and taught in the mandatory sex education class that he’d been born “gay.” When he learned he’d contracted AIDS, he overdosed on drugs that were easily obtained just outside the principal’s office, on the schoolyard.
The NEA strikes again!
But isn’t it poignant to think of how Snow and Prince could have had a happy marriage (with her hiding her secret life as a crack whore, and him staying in the closet except when soliciting anonymous sexual encounters in airport men’s rooms), if only they had been home schooled?
The Dwarfs and so many of the children whose morals they’d corrupted traded honor and integrity and happiness for fatal neuroses and shorter life expectancy – while the very tradition of marriage and family dissolved and the reputation of the land called America was forever damaged. In the wake of so-called “new education alternatives,” America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning, and eventually it hardly mattered if she was absorbed into something called a North American Union. This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada – became Northern Venezuela.
And this dystopia could easily have been avoided, if only American school kids had been taught faith-promoting apocrypha instead of sex education.
This all may be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare.
Or a hallucination inspired by an unfortunate combination of gout medication, Cialis, and “Old Man Henderson” disease.
But if it’s the latter, we’d better wake up quick. Like many fairy tales and some dreams, there’s too much reality for comfort.
If you found any resemblance to actual reality in Pat’s tale, please contact a mental health professional ASAP.  Thank you.

45 Responses to “Uncle Pat’s Bedtime Story”

Back in the 50’s he had a hit called “I Almost Lost My Mind”.
Looks like today there’s no “almost’ about it.
Y’know, Pat was considered a wholesome alternative to Elvis Presley-the kind of boy you could trust when he was alone with your daughter. What parents tended to overlook was, the reason they could trust him alone their daughter was, there was NO FUCKING WAY THEY WOULD EVER WANNA DO HIM!
See, the difference between him and Elvis wasn’t just that Boone was so white he made Barry Manilow seem like George Clinton. The real difference was this:
Elvis looked and sounded like a guy who could get laid, or was on his way to getting laid, or prepared to get laid.
Pat looked and sounded like a guy who had a a permanently flaccid penis…and was proud of it.
Why in the FUCK didn’t Little Richard hire somebody to kick the shit out of this PERVERTED, FREAKAZOID BIGOT when he had the money and influence?!?!? Where in the fuck was the Memphis Mafia when they could actually have DONE SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE?!?!!
Elvis & Jerry Lee & Carl Perkins & Little Richard & Chuck Berry REALLY dropped the ball on this one.
Boone should’ve been institutionalized a LONG FUCKING TIME AGO, the nasty old freak — he “writes” like he’s a nasty old fucker (in that so-gay leather-bondage gear he wore to the MTV awards) on a playground, masturbating like a monkey in a mango tree.
Nasty old motherfucker needs to stop jerking-off to fairy tales and pre-pubescent porno imagery, and GET BACK INTO THE MENTAL HOME WHERE HE BELONGS!!!!!!
Fuck, he makes PAT ROBERTSON look “SANE”!!!!!!
Pardon me while I do a quick full-body dunk into the 50-gallon vat o’clorox. {{{{{{{{{{{{{shudder!!!!!!}}}}}}}}}}}
Retch, gag, heave, projectile-vomiting, full-body barf-o-rama!!!
Oh, shit, I’m getting senile. Welcome back, Sheri. We have missed you so much!
And sincere condolences to Scott (pass ‘em on for me, wouldja please?) and send him & Mary all our (me & teh kittehs and teh Homicidal Hamster) love.
I trust that you will keep the wingnuts and batshit-crazies under control (or at least the objects of the ridicule that they so richly deserve) while I’m in the hospital & recovering here at L’Hotel du Fucktards. I’m going to try and remember not to get onto the laptop until I’m tapered-down to the weaker drugs — last year, I fell asleep and burnt a hole in my laptop with a cigarette. At least this time, I’ve got a GOOD surgeon!
Love & hugs to everybody. Hang in there, and don’t let the motherfuckers and bastids get away with anything!
Inspired by this latest example of wingnuttery, I’ve coined a new phrase thast I hope people start using:
“Patshit Insane”.
Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch! Poor Snow White had been drawn into drugs as well as sex, and she soon discovered she was pregnant.
Um. How the heck does she get pregnant if she became a lesbian??? Did the drugs make her pregnant?
And exactly WHAT kind of schools is Pat even VISITING that do these things?! At my school, I deal with gang bangers and taggers, as well as the odd mugger on the corner, but that’s certainly not something we teachers are TEACHING! We’re too damn busy teaching to the state test to indoctrinate kids into our Los Angeles-Liberal-Elite ways! We don’t even have time for PE!
I’m glad you’re feeling better, Annti.
“America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning”
Because everyone knows that they don’t teach evolution in Europe or Japan or S.Korea or any of those educated places. Nope, it’s all home schoolin’ with the Bible over there. (King James version natch!)
But seriously I agree with Mr.Boone that if we put Godliness back into the classroom, and banish all those sin full teachings like evolution and astronomy and anything about other world religions (lest our children be brainwashed into the Buddho-Fascist conspiracy) we’ll become the most educated country ever!
Y’know just like that one country. The one that did all that stuff and became a world leader because of it? Umm, I’m pretty sure there was one.
Um. How the heck does she get pregnant if she became a lesbian??? Did the drugs make her pregnant?
It was a witch, silly. She had magic powers. Duh.
I don’t think Pat Boone is really alive. Some insane computer hack has made some kind of robotron in his image. Clearly the hack had a bit too much to drink prior to programing the Boone v.01 this time. Seems he was was watching fairy tale porn whilst imbibing and programming all at the same time.
That’s the only explanation I can come up with for that twisted vomitude of writing.
What’s a “fatal neurosis”?
Man, if you take a couple of hits and read his fairy-tale backwards, it’s still like fucked-up, man. Maybe I’ll try reading every third word. There’s got to be some code to make out the sense, or why did he do it? Heavy.
It’s like reading a Chick Tracts only worse. BTW Bill S, I loved your comparison of Elvis and Pat.
I really would like to know where wingnuts get that idea that sexual orientation is so easy to manipulate that a mere discussion of homosexuality in a classroom setting would be enough to turn someone gay?
PARENT: “I forbid you to be a homo!”
TEEN: “Okay.”
TEACHER: “It’s okay to be gay.”
TEEN: “Okay.”
Do they really believe sexuality works that way- that all human beings are completely asexual, until someone else tells them what to be? Have they ever known, or met, ANYBODY for whom that was the case? Was that the case for them?
Furthermore: If that WAS the case, how come you never end up with an entire classroom of LGBT teens?
FIRST PARENT: “My kid’s gay. It’s that damn liberal teacher’s fault.”
SECOND PARENT: “What are you talking about? My kid’s not gay.”
FIRST PARENT: “Well, um, that’s because my kid is, uh…”
SECOND PARENT: “Dumber? Weaker? More easily duped? Nod when I get to it.”
I’m also trying to figure why “liberal teachers” are to blame for the drug thing. Maybe times have changed since I was in high school, but I don’t remember any teacher endorsing illegal drugs.
Oh…and if Prince Charming was so hot, why was he wasting time with the dwarves? Couldn’t he have scored Aladdin, or beter yet Tarzan? I can buy Snow White and the Wicked Queen shacking up, because before she took that potion to turn herself into a hag*, the Queen was a babe. But Prince Charming and the dwarves? Not for all the diamonds in the mine. (I mean, he was the Prince, after all.)
*that plot point always baffled me. If the Queen was jealous of Snow White’s beauty, and she had this potion that would turn people into hags, why bother the poisoned apple? Just give Snow a heavy dose of that hag potion!
Thank you, Y.H.E. (if I may call you that.) I thought of Jack Chick too. Also those “Left Behind” books.
What is it about fundies that makes it impossible for them to imagine how real people actually talk and act?
Pat Boone is in show business-surely he’s MET a few gay people, hasn’t he? He might have even had friends who are gay. (I doubt that any are STILL his friends, not after reading what he thinks of them.)
USA to became Northern Venezuela? Go, Hugo, go!
Now, why Venezuelans would want to be related to that horrible, liberal, gay, drug-abusers, abortionist, and corrupted people of the US? Self-flagellation, maybe?
You know, I’m sure it’s just conicidence that I happened to watch the infamous “Sex Madness” film a few days ago. Of course Prince Charming gets AIDS…I mean he’s gay, after all, and as we all know, only gay people ever get AIDS and they get pretty much immediately after coming out of the closet. And also, of course Snow White got pregnant and had an abortion, because that’s what happens to sluts (aka “Girls who don’t wait until they’re married”).
Also, perhaps it’s Pat’s heavy-handed narration, but I got the idea that Snow White didn’t get pregnant until after having sex with her teacher, who was also female and a witch.
I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here: don’t ever let Pat Boone anywhere near your kids, because all he’ll talk about is sex and drugs.
This is a terrible slander on the Seven Dwarves. Everyone knows it was that Stalinist shit Rumplestiltskin.
a childlike faith in God
There’s some other kind?
And so, boys and girls, we now know how Snow White became the eighth dwarf, Easy…
There’s no way Pat Boone wrote this.
With the heavy-handed emphasis on teaching moral values and national greatness, and the signature element of lesbian eroticism, all signs point to a different author:
Lynne Cheney.
Bill S, of course that’s how sexuality works. Otherwise, abstinence education wouldn’t be such a roaring success, being based on the principle that children will never, ever, ever have any kind of interest or curiosity about any kind of sex if it isn’t described to them in explicit detail.
I’d like to be a fly on the wall when Pat Boon and Dr. Mike get together! What a couple they would make. So much concentrated moronic evil might create a Melt-down and they’d end up in China. How long would they survive there?
Now, I know the original story had a very white girl with black hair and red lips, but this story smacks of that Southern strategy. After all, the original Snow White was a European story, not an American one. (Seriously, with a name like Snow White, is it any surprise she got into drugs and sex? Duh, Pat!)
Whoa, that shit’s heavy.
Hi S.Z., nice to see you around!
I was just waiting for the part about the bear and the madam. There is very little that is creepier than the value voter sexual id on display.
Howdy, S.Z., glad to see you. We miss you when you’re not around. Unlike Pat, who I imagine none of us would ever miss.
How did I miss this:
“her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect complement to her exquisite ivory skin.”
Ho. Lee. Shit. That’s supposed to be a physical description of a pre-adolescent girl?
Then she met the Seven Dwarfs.
I’m told they prefer to be called “little people”, although I suspect they’d actually prefer to be called Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, and Happy.
This all may be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare. But if it’s the latter, we’d better wake up quick.
What you mean “we”, white bucks?
Last add seven dwarves:
Wikipedia’s entry for the 1937 Disney animated flick says that the names were chosen from a pool of about 50 suggested monikers.
Among the rejects: [deep breath]
Blabby, Jumpy, Shifty, Snoopy, Scrappy, Cranky, Dirty, Awful, Silly, Daffy, Flabby, Jaunty, Biggo Ego, Chesty, Baldy, Gabby, Nifty, Sniffy, Burpy, Scaredy, Lazy, Puffy, Dizzy, Stuffy, Gassy, Tubby, Mr. Shy, Loser, Flaunty, Hairy and Grabby.
Naturally, I’m curious to know what Flaunty’s deal was, and let’s don’t even talk about Gassy’s, uh, trademark, but still, it’s odd that Pat didn’t hit upon any of these in his own choices for renames.
When I was in kindergarten, my class put on a production of “Snow White & the Seven Dwarves”. I guess there wasn’t enough money in the school budget for costumes, because except for the kid who played Snow White and the prince, we just wore signs around our necks depicting the characters we played. There were musical solos-each time a song would start, the whole class would line up and do the songs as a chorus. I hated doing “Whistle While You Work” because I could not whistle. At all. (gimme a break, I was 5.)After the show, the parents arrived to our classroom to pick up the kids. Well, except my mom-she didn’t realize they were doing this and assumed we were taking the bus home as usual. I ended up doing that-the ONLY kid on it. My then fifteen-year-old brother was the only one home, after letting me in (following my pounding on the door for 10 minutes), fell down and decided to take a nap in the hallway. It wasn’t until I was a bit older that this sudden decision to take a nap may have been beer related.
Earliest evidence that I was gay: I noticed that the father of the girl who played Snow White was cute. I actually told my parents later-I didn’t think anything of it, until they reacted with a bit of surprise. They didn’t flip out in any big way, but, somehow, I got them impression that you weren’t supposed to say that about other boys.
I was one of the Dwarves. I’m not gonna say which one.
I meant to say there were NO musical solos. (I’m guessing that’s not the most important detail to that story.)
Bill: Jaunty or Chesty?
(Sorry, I’ve been reading over at Pandagon again.)
And don’t forget “Hippie,” “Atheisty,” “Commie,” and “Feminazi.”
Personally, I can’t believe he missed “Dhimmi”.
Bill S: Fine with me if you with Y.H.E. It’s a funny thing when fundies write stuff not only is there hardly a character that represents a real human, anything sexually related is even worse. Like how many girl who has sex either ends up crying to her friend about what a horrible mistake it was (Pamela’s Prayer) or gets knocked-up/a disease.
Personally, I can’t believe he missed “Dhimmi”.
Left by D. Sidhe
OK, that one made me laugh.
This is great!!! LOL One of the main reasons to deny the right of gay people to marry is that they cannot have kids. WELL if snow white can get pregnant by another woman then she should be alllowed to marry according to the logic that I just mentioned about having kids. HEY Pat how aboyt you help them get a marriage license since they CAN procreate according to you!!!
Huh. Now to just what does Pat Boone attribute his daughter Cherry (!!) Boone O’Neill’s prolonged bout with anorexia? Devil-worshippers in her school? Especially given that she wrote a book about her eating disorders called “Starving for Attention,” with a follow-up volume called “Dear Cherry,” full of letters from those who read her first book, and the author’s responses.
Photos of Cherry Boone at 82 to 89 pounds from the first book are pictured
Haven’t yet figured out that “sinner” part. Let me stress is NOT a “pro-ana” site, the kind that tells folks how to starve themselves.
Worse, he’s talking about a pre-kindergarden girl. Ugghh…
LOL, Biggo Ego.
Isn’t it also true that Walt paid the storyboard artists a dollar every time they came up with a gag?
They attended PTA meetings and complained that their daughter was continuously being taught things that were diametrically opposed to what they’d taught her at home, but their complaints were dismissed out of hand.
Diametreically opposed? What — they were teaching her her ZYX’s and that 1 + 1 != 2 at home?
I didn’t know about his daughter’s eating disorder. That throws his creepy description of Snow White’s physical appearance into a whole new light. The kind that causes roaches to scatter.
It might also explain why Debby is married to George Clooney’s cousin-it makes me think she might not be quite as wingnutty, or, if she is, there’s hope that her in-laws could stage an intervention.
YHE-the first Jack Chick tract I ever read was something called “That Crazy Guy!”, which warned about the dangers of premarital sex. It was updated about a decade later to include references to AIDS, and that updated version can be found online. Too bad I can’t find the original, because the if you can believe it, it’s even nuttier.
Did you say “Jack Chick”? I believe you did! You must enjoy these 9 short films!
They are adapted from the actual Chick Tracts! You will so dig this: “Bewitched?” “Angels?” “Party Girl” “Doom Town” “Wounded Children” “Titanic” “Cleo” “Somebody Goofed” “The Thief” “The Little Princess” “One Way” “This Was Your Life”
You must check it out!!!!
Bill S. writs: I hated doing “Whistle While You Work” because I could not whistle. At all.
Yeah, me neither. I remedied the situation only a few years ago by purchasing a shiny new pennywhistle.
Last add Disney: my next door neighbors in Burbank, whom I had never spoken to, both worked at Disney, and one morning when I was tootling my pennywhistle in the front room of my apartment with the door open, they trudged past looking, as they always did when they went to work, like doomed prisoners on their way to the gallows.
So in a nasty sort of Puckish whimsy, I struck up “Hi Ho”.
By the time they hit the stairs, they were smiling and when they got to the front courtyard, had adopted the “Dwarf Tromp”– you know what I mean if you’ve seen the movie– and were actually singing along, and even knew the song well enough to do the “hi ho / hi ho” callbacks in response to my whistle.
Terribly voices, both of them, but they made up for it in gusto.
For a second there, I thought “tooting my pennywhistle” was a euphamism for…something else. ;)

That’s the difference between tooting and tootling (the fingering’s different).

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