Scott is dealing with a death in the family, so he asked me to take the wheel for a while. Yes, I know I’ve been away for a while, but what tales I could tell you! Tedious, unappealing tales about having to feed abandoned new born kittens every two hours, dealing with a feline distemper outbreak among the shelter cats, raising a kitten with cerebellar brain damage resulting from prenatal exposure to feline distemper, trying to find homes for the nine other kittens I’ve been raising, dealing with a stray Australian Cattle Dog who showed up in my yard this morning, etc. But perhaps you’d prefer hearing a story from beloved singer/actor/raconteur Pat Boone. So, here goes:
Once upon a time, in a land they called America, a little girl was born.
Pretty exciting so far, right?
This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents named her Snow White.
I have to interrupt Pat here to point out that if Mr. and Mrs. White were truly loving, they would never have saddled their exceptional daughter with the moniker “Snow” (unless they had a career as a porn star mapped out for her future).
But back to Pat and his modern American story.
Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect complement to her exquisite ivory skin. And as lovely as she was on the outside, she was even more beautiful within; her sweet, sunny personality absolutely melted everyone who saw her.
Sadly, Frosty the Snowman met his demise this way.
In her early childhood, her parents saw that she was taught all the important things – loving obedience, respect for others, politeness and ladylike behavior, and a childlike faith in God. These things she actually liked, and though she was quite playful and sunny, she exuded character and intelligence.
Being taught to be obedient and ladylike naturally causes you to exude intelligence.
Then she met the Seven Dwarfs.
Musical cue expressing high drama, followed by “Nobody expects the Spanish Inqu . . . I mean, the Seven Dwarfs!”
They’d been tagged with this name because they seemed so weird and insignificant; but they always clustered together, bound by strange, liberal and sometimes seditious beliefs. Some of them were teachers and others members of what was called a “civil liberties union.” Somehow, they steadily gained and exerted mysterious influence. Their names were Sneaky, Dopey, Smarmy, Angry, Sleazy, Grouchy and Dork.
And don’t forget “Hippie,” “Atheisty,” “Commie,” and “Feminazi.”
So, as it happened, just as Snow White entered school, full of innocence and a desire to learn, the Dwarfs managed to change all the rules. They cast a spell over the real and dedicated teachers, tricking them into imbibing a seductive potion they called New Education Alternatives; it sounded so attractive that it became very popular, coming to be known by the shorter “NEA.”
Enticed by tempting promises of shorter hours, more money, lifelong tenure unrelated to performance in the classroom and even political clout as a huge voting bloc, the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from the history books, to forbid absolutely any mention of God in the classroom or in essays, to promote all types of sexuality equally, even to grade-schoolers, to dictate that only evolution could be taught to explain the existence of the living world, and in general to erase any consideration of morality and American tradition.
Yup, that’s EXACTLY what teachers do these days, as all of you teachers out there can testify. And they do it because the NEA promised them more money if they would!
Of course, Snow White’s parents objected strenuously. They attended PTA meetings and complained that their daughter was continuously being taught things that were diametrically opposed to what they’d taught her at home, but their complaints were dismissed out of hand.
You’d think that the king and queen of the land would get better results from the local school board.
And sadly, while they did their best to counteract the evil influence of the Dwarfs, little Snow White was drawn into the pervasive spell cast over the whole school system.
Thus proving that parents are powerless to counteract the influences of the all-mighty NEA, which is probably the most effective mind control agency known to man.
When she was barely into her teens, she began to experiment sexually, first with other kids and then with one of her grown teachers.
I TOLD you that her loving parents never should have named her “Snow White.”
Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch! Poor Snow White had been drawn into drugs as well as sex, and she soon discovered she was pregnant. The Dwarfs were only too happy to arrange an abortion – without notifying her parents. Confused and disillusioned, Snow White moved in with the wicked witch, eventually claiming to be her “wife.”
And this sordid outcome all resulted because Snow was taught about evolution in the public schools. Don’t let it happen to your child!
In another part of town, in another spellbound school, a handsome young boy named Prince Charming was going through similar experiences. Snow White and Prince Charming would have made a perfect couple, as their parents would have dreamed – but under prolonged exposure to the same hypnotic spell, the boy was seduced by each of the Dwarfs and taught in the mandatory sex education class that he’d been born “gay.” When he learned he’d contracted AIDS, he overdosed on drugs that were easily obtained just outside the principal’s office, on the schoolyard.
The NEA strikes again!
But isn’t it poignant to think of how Snow and Prince could have had a happy marriage (with her hiding her secret life as a crack whore, and him staying in the closet except when soliciting anonymous sexual encounters in airport men’s rooms), if only they had been home schooled?
The Dwarfs and so many of the children whose morals they’d corrupted traded honor and integrity and happiness for fatal neuroses and shorter life expectancy – while the very tradition of marriage and family dissolved and the reputation of the land called America was forever damaged. In the wake of so-called “new education alternatives,” America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning, and eventually it hardly mattered if she was absorbed into something called a North American Union. This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada – became Northern Venezuela.
And this dystopia could easily have been avoided, if only American school kids had been taught faith-promoting apocrypha instead of sex education.
This all may be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare.
Or a hallucination inspired by an unfortunate combination of gout medication, Cialis, and “Old Man Henderson” disease.
But if it’s the latter, we’d better wake up quick. Like many fairy tales and some dreams, there’s too much reality for comfort.
If you found any resemblance to actual reality in Pat’s tale, please contact a mental health professional ASAP. Thank you.
Posted by s.z. on Monday, September 24th, 2007 at 6:44 pm.