Help, Mom! There Are Terrorists In My Crappy Children’s Books!
I was planning to just breeze through my email before setting down to work for the day, but my efforts were brought to an abrupt halt by this heartfelt, if unsolicited, message from Archibald P. Campbell:
My fellow Americans…
The Terrorists are everywhere. To learn how to protect your children from their murderous schemes, please visit my website… http://archibaldcampbell.com/
Be sure to pass this info on to your family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, but be careful… The Terrorists may be watching!
May God bless you all…
-Archibald P. Campbell
Now I haven’t got any children, but I do have two cats. And if the terrorists are stupid enough to launch an attack against my non-existent children, the cats could become collateral damage. So I figured it was time to learn more, and clicked on the link to discover that Mr. Campbell has written a children’s book:
And when I say book, I mean Flash animation. Well, not exactly animation, but it’s definitely a succession of images, narrated in a pwecious voice by a putative child. Anyway, here’s the blurb from Mr. Campbell’s site:
Dear Concerned American On September 11, 2001, a most vicious and dangerous enemy attacked our nation and gave a wake up call to every American. Now nearly eight years after that tragic day, a day that we pledged to never forget, there is a generation coming to a tender age that have never witnessed the evil achievements of the terrorists with their own eyes.
Which makes it harder to bring them up as God- and terrorist-fearing Americans. What good is it to heed John Gibson’s call to “Make more babies!” if we outbreed liberals and brown people only to find that our own ReichKinder are complacent about statistically insignificant threats and resistant to manipulation through alarmist talking points? Wouldn’t that be a fine how-do-ya-do?
I feel it is my duty as an American, a Parent and as a man of faith to prepare this tender generation as well as the generations yet to come for the dark future that could lie ahead of them. In today’s haze of liberal propaganda, it is hard to know whom to trust and these vicious left wing tactics of trying to dispel the obvious terrorist threats around us are only confusing our children.
And there’s nothing more confusing to a child than a lack of omnipresent dread. Studies show that children raised in homes where they feel safe and nurtured will grow up, like sociopaths, with a feeling that deep down inside them, something is missing. You can supply that missing something by showing them, with the aid of this book, that terrorists wearing explosive belts are hiding in their bathroom:
It is my hope that my books will educate children at a young age to be aware of the terrorist’s threat abroad and at home. My books embody the spirit of traditional American family values and teach our children to beware of whom they talk to and where they live.
So turn off the television, gather the family around the easy chair and enjoy these fun and educational stories that you can cherish in your family forever.
Other books by Mr. Campbell that don’t exist yet include:
“The Bibles Says…” series educates our youth about the Christian Fundamentals of our great country. In the first book we are taught that God has created boys and girls to be different from one another and to follow their ordained roles in life. Your children will learn that being a part of this great land requires certain convictions in the way we dress, act and worship, and that God has a wonderful plan for children who wish to be good little boys and girls.
While one might dispute Mr. Campbell’s rather orthodox view of gender roles, the tone of this book appears less deliberately horrifying than “Why Do The Terrorists Want To Hurt Me?” so let’s hope it represents the beginning of a trend in which Mr. Campbell will attempt to mold childrens’ behavior through persuasion and the presentation of positive role models, rather than through villification and scaremongering.
Johnny Freedom has a problem; whenever he goes to the ice cream shop, or passes by the basketball court or even when he is sitting in class, the people around him sound strange and don’t make sense! When Johnny goes to the doctor to have his ears checked, he finds out that, his ears aren’t “out of order,” it’s the border. This book shows how foreign languages and illegal aliens are working to undermine the security and the values of our country. Your children will learn about the broken borders and the invasion we natural citizen’s face everyday. Your children will also learn about our Minutemen Heroes and how they are working to protect our freedom.
I haven’t got s.z.’s investigatory chops, so I wasn’t able to discover much about Archibald P. Campbell except that he was a Union officer during the Civil War, which strengthened my suspicions that this whole thing is an elaborate parody site. But click here to watch the book and decide for yourselves. It’s short, and if nothing else, worth it for the concluding image of George W. Bush holding an assault rifle as he stands surrounded by adoring toddlers.
Posted by scott on Thursday, September 20th, 2007 at 1:46 pm.
37 Responses to “Help, Mom! There Are Terrorists In My Crappy Children’s Books!”