The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Hot Side Stays Hot And The Cold Side Stays Cold?

This week, Doug Giles, vicar of Our Lady of The Residence Inn, Royal Palm Ballroom (2nd Floor), takes time off from his “rowdy and relevant once a month Warriors and Wild Men meeting just for the boys” to pose a question which must be pondered by all thoughtful observers of the current world scene:
Even Doug’s detractors must admit that the above is highly incisive interrogative, if only because it’s the kind of thing usually found incised in the stalls of a junior high school bathroom.  But that’s how Doug rolls, he raps in the rhythm of the ‘hood, and today the poetasting pastor delivers unto us a prose poem in limbic pentameter.
Man, don’t cha love how mainstream media and their soft-brain disciples make Christians out to be fish-stickered, bug-eyed equals to incensed Islam?
It’s gotten to the point where a presidential candidate can’t identify his favorite political philosopher as “Jesus” without being hooted off the stage by Wolf Blitzer, or enduring Neil Cavuto’s muttered asides about the ”opiate of the masses.”
If you were to accept as true what some atheists, secularists and prattling gay activists say about Christians, you’d think the church is chomping at the bit to chop off some heads of unbelievers, glory to Gawd!
Doug has a point here.  If Christians of his conservative evangelical bent were as contemptuous of homosexuals as we liberals claim they are, then he would have described gay activists as “mincing” or “flouncing” or “lisping,” rather than the neutral “prattling.”
Yep, if you were to believe the barf belched out by the BS brokers on the Left, you’d stagger away Kool Aid drunk with the belief that there is little disparity between conservative Christians and militant Muslims.
I hope you kids out there are paying attention, because Pastor Doug is teaching you an important lesson here: Argumentin’ Is Easy When You Can Define The Terms Of Debate!  For instance, notice how he draws a parallel between Muslims who are militant and Christians who are merely conservative?  This is also useful when you reverse the tactic, and point out that there is no fundamental disparity between Markos Moulitsas and Lavrentiy Beria, because they both have accents.
As a matter of fact, you probably would be bamboozled into believing that Islam is a peaceful, Little House on the Prairie religion being temporarily hijacked by jihadist renegades, and Christianity . . . Christianity is the real charity-vacant, vicious cult that’s vying for the opportunity to seize the whip and whip us good.
Unfortunately, Christianity hasn’t yet managed to make this service widely available, with the result that in most parts of the country you still have to hire someone if you want to be whipped.
Yes, the postmodern reality stylists are working their butts off trying to convince us TV-addled cattle of two primary things: 1) violent jihad is not based on the Koran and 2) All conservative Christians are theocrats ready to burn Sully Erna at the stake, stone Jay Alexander in a nearby gravel pit and governmentally ramrod Christianity down everyone’s pie hole.
Pie hole-ramming is usually sold separately, but some providers will include it free with a purchase of the Deluxe Whipping Package.  (Why can’t I shake the notion that Doug is always sweaty and breathing hard whenever he finishes these columns?)
I haven’t seen this kind of ham-fisted, forced PR, farcical façade being parlayed upon the public since Michael Jackson tried to make out with Lisa Marie in an attempt to convince us all he’d found true love in an adult of the opposite sex.
Ham-fisting, of course, being one of the services that militant Muslims refuse to provide.  Advantage:  Conservative Christianity!
And with that, I’m outta here.  Family is in town for the week, so posting on my part will be light-to-non-existant, but s.z. will be here to babysit, so you kids mind her, or I’ll arrange a spanking with some Conservative Christian sub-contractors.

Posted by scott on August 14th, 2007

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