Town Hall Review

In between dealing with sick mother cats and bottle feeding their babies, I haven’t been on line much.  [My current guests consist of 3 mother cats, 6 kittens, and Willow, the mother of the two adorable orange kittens (one was adopted last week, and the other one tragically died a couple of weeks ago), who is driving me crazy — later I’ll tell you the story of her daring attempted escape through the heat vent.]

But I did want to summarize today’s Town Hall columns for you, in the way of penance for my absence.  And then I read a couple of them, and that ambition died quickly.  So, instead, I used my proven psychic abilities to summarize these columns without actually perusing them.  If you’re feeling brave you can read the pieces yourself, and then tell me how accurate I was.

1.  Grow Up, Middle East! By Victor Davis Hanson

Radical Islamists love to scream about the “decadent” West. Everything from our operas to our attitudes about women outrage these loud pious critics.But they should just grow up, because their own operas are no great shakes either.  And anyway, even though our women are mostly unfeminine harpies, in America we give women the freedom to be sluts if they want to, and that’s what makes us great.  So nyah, nyah, Islamists!

2.  Roger Schlesinger : I do not understand what’s happening

“How is it that I am the only smart person in America?  What is wrong with everybody else?  I have all the answers — why won’t anyone listen to me?”  [Note: I actually read Roger’s column, and I don’t understand what’s happening either, in that I don’t care.]

3.  Michael Fumento : Obesity is not only Epidemic; it’s Contagious
We need to strictly quarantine fat people.  It’s the only way to avoid the heartbreak of thunder thghs, which I heard you can get from toilet seats and door knobs! 

4.   Matt Towery : One Sheriff Shows America How To Deal With Illegal Immigration

Thanks, Sheriff Lobo, for showing us the way.  (The secret ingredient is bullets!)

5.  Suzanne Fields : Friendship in a Facebook

 Kids today with their “Facebooks” and their “MySpace” and their ”U Tubes” never get to experience the simple pleasure of making friends the old fashioned way, or of picking up random men on street corners.

6.  William Rusher : The Democrats’ strategy in Congress 

“My inside sources say that their strategy involves being big stupid-heads, being wrong about everything, and taking compromising photos of their Republican colleagues at the annual intern picnic.”

7.  Paul Weyrich : A Bright and Welcome Prospect for Light Rail

Trains!  That’s what will save America!  They will not only help end our dependence on foreign oil, they will also give a new generation the chance to experience the thrill of “riding the rails” and the opportunity of becoming hobos.

8.  Marvin Olasky : Desperate Atheist Rage!

 It turns out that the real menace facing our nation comes not from radical Islam, but from raging atheists!  Watch out, they might come after your wife and kids next!

9.   Robert D. Novak : Fred Thompson’s Wife

She’s a damn fine woman, and great in bed, and that’s all a gentleman should say on the subject.

10.  Larry Elder : Bush-Haters Endure Tough Week This week’s polls show that 11% of the American public think that Bush is doing at least a “dismal to crappy” job of Presidenting, and 45% say that he is probably less evil than Lord Valdemort (but not as competent, capable, or charismatic).  These results indicate a 2% increase in Bush’s public approval.  Plus, most experts agree that Saddam Hussein is still dead.  Take that, you mean Bush haters!

11.  Ann Coulter : Did I Miss The ‘Hip’ Part?

“Women are supposed to have hips?  Why didn’t anyone tell me?”  

12.  Janice Shaw Crouse : How to Make Your Honeymoon a Success

“In this column I I will share with you some wild sexual techniques I learned from an Indian grad student I hooked up with in the ’70s.  Plus, I have some tips on bondage, sex toys, and role playing that are sure to make your wedding night so pleasurable that you just might die of bliss.  But these ideas are only for decent, moral folk who come to the marriage bed as certified virgins, as they are the only people who deserve to have good sex.  The rest of you perverts will have to go on your honeymoons without me.”

And so on. 

More tomorow, possibly. 

Posted by s.z. on August 3rd, 2007