April 16, 2005 by s.z.

A Spam for All Seasons Because I'm tired, it's time to pick on some easy targets.  So, let's look at some of the email I got from NewsMax in the past couple of days.  This first one lets me know about a miracle. Miracle 'Fatty Acid': It Prevents Heart Attack and Stroke – and Even Cures  Depression!  An important message to NewsMax readers: Imagine a simple fat that is found in nature. It costs next to nothing and you need no prescription for it – yet it is considered a miracle panacea. Yes, just imagine it.  Wouldn't a miracle panacea be really great? Anyway, it turns out that NewsMax rented my email address to Dr. Blaylock, who wants to sell me a newsletter about the Omega Code 3 Fatty Acid (starring Robert Vaughn).  And since Omega-3 can do everything from preventing cancer to combating Alzheimer's, I guess you should pick some up at GNC.  And now that you know that Omega-3 oil is a miracle panacea, I don't know why you'd need to subscribe to Dr. Blacklock's newsletter.   So, let's move on to: The Left is Attacking - Take Action With Us! Dear NewsMax Reader:  Please find below a special message from RightMarch.com, the leading conservative online activist organization. You remember RightMarch -- it's the organization that Randall Terry told us to donate money to, in order to help Terri Schiavo.  It's is run by William Greene and Phil Sheldon, who was the "intermediary" in selling the list of Terri donors to Phil's partner in another online business that exploits conservatives. But let's see what William has to sell today, now that Terri is dead: Dear Friend,  Senate Democrats, and their allies at MoveOn.org and the liberal media, are at it again. Oh, those wacky Senate Democrats and their allies -- won't they ever learn that no children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it? They've obstructed the vote on some of President Bush's best conservative nominees to be federal judges... and now they're trying to do the same thing to his pro-American nominee to the position of U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton. [...] Most Americans aren't paying much attention to the fight over President Bush's U.N. Ambassador nominee. We've got our families, our work, our schools and churches, to concern ourselves with -- who has time to pay attention to John Bolton's nomination? But let me assure you of this: THE LIBERALS ARE PAYING ATTENTION. Damn straight!  We liberals have no families, work, churches or schools to concern ourselves with, so we have lots of time to pay attention to Bush's Pro-American, Anti-Everybody Else nominee. Senators with money to burn are targeting Bolton for defeat. According to Kate Kaye's blog at PersonalDemocracy.com, "John Kerry has launched a Web ad campaign targeting Rhode Islanders as part of his effort to quash the nomination of John Bolton as UN Ambassador." [...]  YES, THAT JOHN KERRY I know who John Kerry is, thank you very much.  But who the heck is Kate Kaye, and why am I supposed to care what one of those new-fangled "web loggers" has to say about anything?  -- he's using millions left over from his failed presidential campaign to thwart President Bush's nominees like Bolton. It's so sad that poor President Bush doesn't have any resources that he could use to fight back.  No, wait, he has THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT at his disposal to fight with! And he has RightMarch, which is "FIGHTING BACK against this liberal onslaught that threatens to derail President Bush's conservative nominee."  They are fighting back via spam, faxes, ads in unidentified "national publications," and radio ads in Rhode Island. I'm conducting radio interviews on dozens of stations around the nation, getting the word out to average Americans about WHY this nomination fight is so important... because it's setting the stage for THE nomination fight, the fight to BREAK the Democrats' unconstitutional judicial filibusters, so that we can get a CONSERVATIVE nominee onto the Supreme Court when the time comes! I can't find any info about William's radio appearances to push this issue, but the important thing to remember is that you must give RightMarch money, or the Democrats will prevent President Bush from appointing an anti-abortion judge to the Supreme Court when Renquist croaks (which could happen any day now). We are leading the charge in this effort, because IT IS IMPORTANT. But we're spending a lot of money to do it -- and we need YOUR help to cover those costs. Will you help us fight this good fight, and beat back the forces of the radical left? [...]  If we lose this one, we'll probably lose the fight against judicial filibusters. But if we WIN this fight, WE will have the momentum to WIN the battle in the Senate against judicial filibusters... which is probably coming up in just a couple of weeks! [...] Sincerely,  William Greene, President RightMarch.com So, it's all on YOUR head -- either give RightMarch some money, or the liberals will win on Bolton, then on the judges, the abortion issue, and the culture.  And if that happens, LIBERALS WILL KILL YOUR DOG, SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE, AND LAUGH AT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK!!! Okay, one more email from NewsMax; one I should have read yesterday, before I paid my taxes: 37 Strategies the "Tax and Spend" Liberals don't want you to know Yes, liberals dedicate their lives to keeping really great information away from you.  In fact, that's always the topic of discussion at all those Vast Left Wing Conspiracy meetings they have on the weekends (go here to buy the T-shirt). But, thank heavens for people like Drew Miles, who have the courage to tell you the tax strategies that the liberals have been trying to hide from you. Dear Business Person, It's time to stop getting ripped off from overpaying your taxes.  I will help reduce your taxes by $10,000 or more. I Guarantee it! Wow, that's quite a guarantee, since I didn't even come close to paying $10,000 in taxes this year. Tell me more, Mr. Spammer! My name is Drew Miles and fifteen years ago, shortly after opening my own law firm, I had what I now consider a defining moment in my career. I was beginning to make "real" money and as my income grew, I naturally became more concerned about taxes. Between Federal taxes, State taxes and Social Security or self-employment tax (what I now call the invisible tax killers) I was losing about fifty 50% percent of everything I earned. The more I made, the more I paid in taxes.  Don't you hate how that works!  Damn, it's not even worth being a rich lawyer any more. Now, like you, I don't mind paying my fair share of taxes. And what is Drew's "fair share"?  As we'll soon learn, it basically amounts to the change he finds under the couch cushions, plus an occasional twenty if the government gets a good report card or has a birthday or something. But this was out of control.  How are you supposed to get ahead when you giving up half of everything you earn?  Well, if you'll pay me $300,000 a year, I'm willing to try getting ahead on half of that. I'll bet you're feeling the same way I was feeling; ripped off and taken advantage of. Drew Miles Johnson is right: that's exactly how I feel!  And I blame the liberals, who have hidden the secret of how to not pay taxes from me for all these years. The world is a funny place. The irony is that while you are paying forty (40%) percent or more in taxes, the wealthiest people in this country  (people like Ross Perot, Donald Trump and Bill Gates) pay only single digits...reportedly between 4% and 5%. The world IS a funny place, in that you can make claims like this and not have to offer any proof if you say "reportedly." Anyway, Drew once heard Bill Gates say in an interview that the secret of his success was knowing the tax code -- and "from that moment on, I became obsessed with learning the secret tax strategies he was referring to."  Drew went to the library.  He read books.  He attended accounting seminars. And somewhere along the line, he learned the mystical secrets of the tax code, as  practiced by Tibetan monks, and revealed only to Hitler and Bill Gates.  But now YOU can learn these arcane tips, and save trillions! Permit Drew to share some case studies with you. Permit me to share some case studies with you. Stephanie had two small businesses that brought in about $50,000 net income.  Her family accountant had worked with her diligently to keep her taxes down.  With his help, she was paying $4,500 in State and Federal taxes and $7,500 in social security.  After she signed up for our program, she called me very upset one day.  She said she had spoken to her accountant who told her she was wasting her time and money.  In fact, he told her that the best she could hope for was to break even on the program.  She said, "Drew, I don't know what to do.  You see, I trust your opinion, but he's been our family accountant for 15 years.  What can I do?" The eternal triangle composed of woman, family accountant, and internet marketing guru -- it always ends with somebody getting their heart broken. I assured her that I personally stand behind our guarantee.  That if we couldn't uncover at least $10,000 in legitimate savings, I'd immediately refund her investment - plus 10%.  Then, I suggested she get her C.P.A on a conference call. To learn how you can save more now, just Go Here. Now, understand that I take a great deal of pride in my work.  Every single day I work with business people, from beginners to seasoned professionals who are unwittingly overpaying taxes and suffering as a result. Their businesses suffer. Their lifestyle suffers. And their relationships suffer as a result. Hey, do you think that it's my unwitting overpayment of taxes that has caused my lifestyle and relationships to suffer???  And was this the reason that Stephanie got dumped at the altar, and why her sister hadn't spoken to her in ten years?  Or did the fact that Stephanie sounds like an empty-headed wimp have anything to do with it? After some preliminary discussion, we got down to the heart of the matter. Her C.P.A. identified Steph's largest expenses and offered "but there is no way you can find any more deductions than we've already taken."  I just love those kinds of challenges.  So, during the next 15 minutes, I outlined 3 specific strategies for Steph and her C.P.A.  After discussing the first one (and securing his approval) I asked her C.P.A. to calculate how much Steph would save. Realizing that C.P.A.'s are conservative by nature, I wrote the figure down.  I repeated the process for the next two strategies, and added up the figures. In just 15 minutes - using only 3 strategies, I had saved Steph $11,200 by his calculations! Remember, Steph was only paying $12,000 in taxes and Social Security to start with.  So, I think we can see why Social Security is failing, and we have that mammoth deficit -- it's all Steph's fault! Another of my clients, Dr. Perry, was already a successful chiropractor - making about $750,000 when we met. Hey, forget about giving me tax tips, Drew: teach me how to be a chiropractor! Anyway, Drew advises Dr. Perry to claim that his hobby of raising and showing horses was actually a business, and then he could deduct all his expenses as business losses.  I plan to do that with my hobby of feeding and caring for my cats -- I'm sure this is totally legal, and should save me a bundle, what with the cost of vet bills and Fancy Feast these days. So, just by reading my spam from NewsMax, I've learned about a panacea that can cure all diseases; a way to save at least $10,000 on my taxes; and about the liberals' evil plan to quash John Bolton and then tie President Bush's picks for the Supreme Court (Ann Coulter, David Limbaugh. Armstrong Williams, and Judge Roy Bean) to the railroad tracks.  Thank you, Bill Gates, for inventing computers (and becoming obscenely wealthy and only paying a pittance in taxes) so that NewsMax could share these messages with me.  I feel richer, healthier, and more paranoid already! 5:59:01 AM

Swank o' the Day I'm still really, really tired, so it's time for some easy pickings.  Therefore, let me present my pick for Pastor Swank's best writing for today.  It comes from the column deliciously titled Hungering for Liberty Grassroots.  (Some of you oldsters may remember the '70s Euwell Gibbons commercial for Grape Nuts: "Ever eat a grassroot?  Certain parts are edible.") Anyway, take it away, Pastor Swank: The freedom spread has not missed Iran. Freedom Spread: made from toe jam and grassroots -- distributorships available all over the world!  When United States President George W. Bush began his call for liberties throughout the world, citizens in dictatorially controlled nations got hold of the challenge and are now letting their angst known to the powers-that-be. Mr. Bush continues his litany of liberties for all. Those who are worn down by despots are echoing his beliefs within their own borders. It is a yearning of every human being to breathe free air. America has been blessed by its liberty milieu; others want that same opportunity. Let your angst known, people in dictatorially controlled nations, and maybe some day you too can live in a liberty milieu, thanks to Mr. Bush's litany of liberties! Runner Up Swank o the Day: From DEMS BULLY BOLTON What the Dems really fear is that Bolton is too much like Mr. Bush. Mr. Bush and Mr. Bolton both know a fake when they see one. Well, let's just say that they both believed there were WMDs in Iraq ... They both live by principles admired by the moral base. They both have convictions sterling for freedom’s banner. They both refuse to waffle and compromise and bow down to power plays of the liberal quotient. I gotta get me some of those convictions sterling for freedom's banner, because they sound pretty classy (and much better than convictions silver-plate for freedom's slogan).  I hope the liberal quotient doesn't get offended at Bolton's refusual of waffles, though.  Maybe he just prefers pancakes. 4:18:49 AM