August 27, 2005 by s.z.

Happy Birthday, Julia Our sources have informed us that one of our heroines, Julia of Sisyphus Shrugged fame, is celebrating a birthday today.  In her honor, you should visit the Hostess Twinkie Recipe page and make something for the celebration.  I'm bringing Twinkie Sushi.  Anyway, even if you don't feel up to whipping up Twinkie Tacos or Chocolate Twinkie Smasher, I know you'll join me in wishing Julia many happy returns of the day. 5:09:39 PM

The Ultimate Wingnut Religious Book? Today's sermon is taken from The Three Blessings, a book by devout Unificationist (Moonie) John Godwin (pen name).  Godwin quotes Rev. Moon (Father) extensively, and therefore his book contains too much nuttiness for the human mind to comprehend.  So, we'll just skim it briefly, and pick out a few representative passages from each chapter. The first section of the book deals with "the ten core values," which are "10 commandments for every Unificationist in every country of the world."  The Ten Core Values are:  100% Purity, 100% Discipline, 100% Modesty, 100% Patriarchy, 100% Provide, 100% Protect, 100% Lineage, 100% Decentralize, 100% Homeschool, and 100% Homechurch. Chapter 1 -- 100% PURITY Not only should you refrain from ever being alone with someone of the opposite sex, you shouldn't even shake hands with anyone you're not married to. Unificationists do not date other Unificationists or outside people or spend time alone with those of the opposite sex. There is to be absolutely no physical contact between single men and women in or out of our movement. They do not shake hands if they can get out of it. [...] Father tells unmarried men and women not to shake hands if possible because the electricity of love flows through holding hands. The spark of love cuts a wound in the mind of the other person. The wound made by love cannot be healed with any medicine in this world.  In the Unification Church, we tell young boys and girls to not even shake hands. We must know that Satan is always spying on us and that this is the way Satan takes revenge. Yes, shaking hands can cause you grave physical injury, because of all that love electicity. That's Satan's revenge. And, as Father says, sex was the original sin: that is, sex between Eve and Satan, whose penis looked like a snake. Here's Father: The Bible also depicts the archangel [Satan] symbolically, as a serpent. Why is that? [...] A man's reproductive organ is shaped like the head of a poisonous snake. It is always looking for a hole to slither into. A woman's reproductive organ is concave, like the wide-open mouth of a poisonous snake with fangs. Once this snake bites, poison quickly spreads through the body, bringing eternal death. So, sex is when the head of a poisonous snake slithers into the wide-open mouth of a poisonous snake with fangs. Therefore, making love is basically one of the scarier stunts from "Fear Factor." Now, on to the story of how Eve tempted Satan by sitting on his lap while she was naked. Lucifer was attracted to naked Eve. You must resist this temptation. [...] As Eve's body was maturing, suddenly the archangel approached her with an evil intent in his heart. Sometimes Eve would sit in the lap of the archangel and their sexual organs would be quite close to one another. [...] As a young, strong man, ask yourself, if you were in that situation with a pretty naked woman sitting on your lap, don't you think that you would experience the same temptation? (Yes.) As a man, in order to fulfill restoration through indemnity, no matter if a beautiful naked woman is in front of you touching your body, your love organ should not become erect. Rather, it should remain almost as if it were dead, without feeling. That is the action for indemnity.  Unless your dick can remain limp even with a pretty naked woman sitting on your lap, you are not giving Father 100% purity. Chapter 2 -- 100% DISCIPLINE You need to have total self-discipline, like Father. In fact, Father is so perfect that he tests himself with temptation, just to prove that he can raise above it. It is very important to protect yourself from evil. There is no challenge I haven't thought about and devised ways to overcome. I even tested myself by looking at magazine pictures of beautiful women and asking myself what I would do if one of them crawled into my bed. "I would cut my belly out before I would do anything," I resolved. "When she saw the knife, she would leave quickly!" I considered how I would handle temptation from a beautiful white woman, from a black woman, from an Oriental woman. I considered what special qualities I knew about such women that I could utilize to help me resist their advances. How did Father learn about the special qualities that women of each race bring to bed? I guess that's in another chapter, but the important thing to rememember is that he is immune to the wiles of beautiful magazine women. Chapter 3 -- 100% MODESTY Ties are stupid, and men won't have to wear them in heaven. The rest of the chapter is mostly about women's attire, since women are the ones who lead men astray. Women should should have long hair (so we can tell they are women), and always wear long, loose-fitting dresses (so we can't tell from their shapes that they are women). And they should also wear makeup, in order to control their husbands. There will be no ties for men in the future kingdom of heaven. But for now Father wears them. Father is always modestly dressed. We should emulate his sense of fashion.  [...] Girls and women should always wear dresses. They never expose their backs, shoulders or knees. The only man who sees a woman's knee is her husband. Knees are Satan's playground. Women and girls do not wear pants and they do not swim where men can see them. Father says, "Woman should test the object's response to her hairstyle and make-up. Think of it as a hobby to alter your external appearance if you cannot make the object joyful and attract him to you. Mobilize all the artistic senses like a symphony. You may research woman's physiology by looking at magazines or explain to him about literature after reading several books. Make your husband live inside the width of your skirt like a baby. ... be smart and stylish." Get a makeover at the local department store so you can make your husband live inside your skirt like a baby.  Good advice, ladies!   Chapter 4 -- 100% PATRIARCHY God's plan says that men are the bosses of women and children, and women are the secondary bosses of the children, except for the eldest son, who answers only to his father.  It's on a flowchart, so you can't argue with it. And women exist to accept the seed of their husbands and to give it a place to grow.  Since women can't create life like men can, they are obviously inferior to men.  Here's what Father says: The first priority for a married woman is to bear children. Woman is like a field to receive the seed. That's why you are biologically different from man. Are those differences for your own sake, or for your children? Women's physical characteristics allow her to bear and nurse children. Because women themselves do not have seeds, they have to receive them from the man. When a wife receives the seed from her husband, a miracle takes place there: either a son or a daughter. The mother provides the flesh of a child, and the father provides the bones. Each person's basic shape is determined by his bone structure, which is from the father I bet you didn't know that the gene for bones is sex-linked, and you get that all-important structure only from your father. And I bet you didn't know that the contribution of the father is much more important than that of the mother, since he provides the all-important "seed of life," while she just contributes the flesh. Proportionately, the flesh of the mother makes up ninety-nine percent of the new child. Even though proportionately there is so much imbalance, still the seed of life is the center and core of the child. Therefore, we should love our father before we love our mother because our father represents the central core and stands in the position of God in terms of giving life to the children. The father stands in the position of king of the family. However, within secular families this concept does not exist. And within sane religious families, it doesn't exist either. But anyway, men get to lead because they are just more important and more godly than women, and it's Satan that teaches otherwise. Mr. Godwin explains: The three major monotheistic religions of Christianity, Islam and Judaism have taught patriarchy for thousands of years. Satan hates godly patriarchy. His core value is feminism. Yes, it seems that Satan too has Ten Core Values, and apparently his first one is 100% feminism. Elizabeth Cady Stanton wrote the diabolical Declaration of Sentiments in 1848 in America that said women must stop being dependent on men and declare their independence. The most prominent feminist organization in America is the National Organization for Women or NOW. [...] These women are dupes of Satan. I believe God is for the traditional family and Satan is for the feminist family. If you believe that a woman can interchange with a man and be the head of the house then you are a feminist. If you are a woman who believes that a woman can lead men in the church, business, and government then you are a rebellious Eve. If you are a man who believes that it is all right for a woman to be a police officer and good that girls attend military academies like West Point then you are a wimp like Adam was in the Garden of Eden  Eve was a feminist because she worked outside the home. And Adam was a wimp because he let his naked wife sit on other men's laps. Thus, feminism is responsible for the Fall of Man, and that's why it's men get to men lead in the home and in the church. And that's also also why women shouldn't be allowed to hold ANY authority over men. Mr. Godwin notes that the Mormons claim to believe in patriarchy, and yet there has been a female Mormon governor and a Senator. Unificationists need to go beyond the Mormons and not only make it official doctrine that women do not dominate men in the home and the church but they do not have authority over men in society. We cannot have our cake and eat it too and say a woman can leave the home and lead men at work and then come home and follow her husband. It is conflicting to think she can be subject by day and object by night Yes, what a conflict this must pose for the female Governor: she is in authority over men all day, but at night she is just the object of her husband. (We're guessing that her husband escaped from the inside of her skirt, so she tried to make up for her loss by usurping male authority)   But the conflict is  even worse for all the men in the state, who have to take orders from a woman, who were created just to be the fields where men plant their seeds.  This sounds like something Satan came up with. But a true patriarch is "sensitive in human relations," and wouldn't spend time talking to a woman because she's somebody else's property (she "follows another man"), and the patriach wouldn't want to poach on the other guy's terroritory.  That's why It's best to just speak to her leader. If a man has a problem with a woman it is best for him to talk to her leader such as her husband and if she does not have a husband then her father. There is too much familiarity between men and women in our disorderly society. Women freely criticize men and men freely talk to women. Even Internet chat rooms should be segregated. Maybe one of these days a Congressman from one of the Red States will sponsor a bill requiring segretated Interent chat rooms.  Until then, we are surrounded by sin. Oh, and 100% patriarchy means that the woman shouldn't ever be on top, even in bed, because otherwise the couple will conceive bratty children.  Here's what Father taught about proper sexual positions, per Mr. Godwin: When you are making love, should the man be the one who clings to the wife, or should the wife cling to the husband? The wife should be the one who clings to the husband; that is proper order. In position, too, can the woman be in the upper position as much as the man? No, the man is in the upper position, while woman is in the vertical position. Like a bowl, receptacle. If that bowl is upside down, everything spills out. So the couple who lives according to order and rule will give rise to good children. But the ones who do not care so much actually will have less chance of having a baby. Even if they have a baby, they will be more likely to have a problem child. Which we see now a lot in this society. Because people are going against original law. Yes, that's why there are so many problem children in American society: people are going against the Missionary Sex law. But I think that's enough Moonie wisdom for today.   Next time we'll try to cover the rest of the Core Values, but until then, stay out of unsegregated chat rooms! And ladies, work on your makeup and your submission, and don't expose your knees to anyone but your husband.  Men, try working on your self discipline by looking at the photos of attractive women of various races in Playboy, and then planning on how you would escape if they tried to have sex with you. 5:22:48 AM