July 14, 2005 by s.z.

Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: The Media Wingnuts Face Off Today, the spotlight's on our Media Wingnut team.  Each member of the team has to give a short speech about current events.  But the challenge is: they have to make at least one really, really stupid claim in their presentation.  Oh, and after concluding, they have to drink a toast to the President with their own urine, and then kiss Brit Hume on the lips.  1.  First up: Ann Coulter, who has chosen to comment on the Rove scandal. So liberals were allowed to puff up Wilson's "report" by claiming Wilson was sent "by the CIA." But – in the traditional liberal definition of "criminal" – Republicans were not allowed to respond by pointing out Wilson was sent to Niger by his wife, not by the CIA and certainly not by Dick Cheney. Okay, that was lame, Ann (and, as we've already discussed, a big lie, since the CIA certainly did send Wilson) -- and you're just following the GOP Talking Points (hat tip to TBogg), which are issued to all Media Wingnuts, so you'll have to do better if you want credit for being really, REALLY stupid. Wilson's report was a hoax. His government bureaucrat wife wanted to get him out of the house, so she sent him on a taxpayer-funded government boondoggle. That was the information Karl Rove was trying to convey to the media by telling them, as described in the notes of Time reporter Matt Cooper: "big warning"! Don't "get too far out on Wilson." Much better!  So, Ann, you're saying that Rove warned Matt because he didn't want Matt to get taken in by a deluded guy who was pretending to be a former ambassador who had been sent on a mission by the CIA to investigate a dubious claim that made it into the State of the Union Address, but who was really just some dumb cluck who wanted to be a double-naught spy, and whose wife made up a "secret mission" for him to get him out of the house, presumably so she could get her cleaning done without having to vacuum around him.  Very good -- but shouldn't you throw in something about how all liberals are traitors, or how Rove had no choice but to out Plame because Clinton got a blow-job from Monica?   Democrats believe that because Wilson's wife worked at the CIA, the White House should not have been allowed to mention that it was she who sent him to Niger. Damn those evil Democrats!  They think that Rove (who was just doing the White House's bidding, of course) shouldn't have been allowed to mention this -- not only because it wasn't true, but because they claim that there are laws against this kind of thing.  They even have the nerve to say that outing CIA NOCs is "A serious charge, by the way. We're talking about a criminal action."   Oops, it was President Bush who said that.  But anyway, the Democrats are all traitors, and should be jailed for their crime of questioning the integrity of a great man like Rove. Anyway, Ann your final task is to explain why what Rove did wasn't a crime after all (since Karl would NEVER have done it if it was wrong -- Karl is just so dreamy).    Rove had simply said Wilson went to Niger because of his wife, not his skill, expertise or common sense. It was the clown himself who outed his wife as an alleged "covert" agent by saying he was not recommended by his wife, and thus the White House must have been retaliating against him by mentioning his wife. So, since Wilson said that he was sent to Niger by the CIA to investigate something of interest to the VP's office, then HE's the one who outed his wife, by not saying that it was his wife who sent him.  Excellent work, Ann.  Here's your reward: a delicious cream pie.   Then, there's the urine, and the kiss from Brit.  Enjoy! 2.  Our next competitor is Rush Limbaugh.  Rush, can YOU say something stupider than Ann did about RoveGate?  Maybe you could start by explaining how, if, as Ann claimed, the claim in the State of the Union Address about Saddam seeking to buy large quanities of uranium was true, Bush later retracted it. The administration panicked in the face of outright left-wing criticism and apologized for it. I guess it was still part of the new tone back then. I do not understand it.  [...] I mean, the simple fact of the matter is that it was true, and yet the administration apologized for it, and that gave every enemy of the administration free rein to go out and say that the administration was wrong about it, and they lied about it, when in fact to this day it remains true. And this was back in the days when the administration was not fighting back on this kind of thing, they just said, "Okay, okay, okay, if you don't like that we'll take it out." So, the Administration was just too nice, and that's why they retracted that claim,  Hey, that's really, really stupid, Rush -- good work! Now, do you want to say something about how Plame sent her husband to Africa because she wanted him out of the house? As we told you yesterday, Joe Wilson got this gig via his wife. Um, Rush, I think the Talking point is that Plame sent her husband.  Are you sure you want to claim that she just HELPED get him the gig, which would mean that  Wilson was actually in sent there by the CIA, like he claimed? You have a rogue CIA here, and make no mistake about this, during this period of time, the CIA is out to get Bush ... and one of the reasons they were out to get Bush is there was a bunch of libs in there. ... With his wife's recommendation, Wilson gets sent over to Niger to come back and write a false description of what he learned and then continue to lie about it and become a hero of the American left. The CIA is summarily embarrassed because -- and they don't want there to be any connection between Al-Qaeda and Iraq, because they missed it. They don't want to look bad. So you've got a rogue CIA who is out to screw the sitting president -- I'm not saying the whole organization. You've got members in it and Wilson and his wife are part of this cabal, and the administration doesn't fight back against any of this ... the administration sat back and didn't fight back because Bush is loyal to the government.  Wow!  You are the master, Rush.  So, you're saying that it was the cabal of rougue liberals in the CIA who sent Wilson to Niger, and that Wilson's mission was to write a false report about how Saddam really didn't try to buy all that uranium.  (Undoubtedly, the cabal also wrote the false reports that said that Saddam had no facility that could make use of the uranium.)  The cabal did all this in order to  make it look like there was no connection between Saddam and al Qaeda, so that it would look like Bush was wrong about stuff.  Yes, they do everything they can to screw Bush, but he won't call them on it, or fire them or anything, because, once again, he's just too darned nice for his own good.  Plus, he's "loyal to the government." I think this is about as stupid a claim as I've heard this year.  I think we may have a winner. 3.  But let's see if Bill O'Reilly can top it.  Bill, do you have anything to say about the Rove apparently disclosed the CIA affiliation of a NOC to reporter, and urged him to use it in a story? The press is hot to know what happened. And the partisans are running wild. Already Howard Dean and John Kerry have convicted Rove. Isn't it interesting how the great liberal tradition of innocent and proven guilty is consistently ignored by some on the left? Hmm, claiming that "innocent until proven guilty" is a merely a "liberal tradition" is fairly stupid, as is trying to portray Dean and Kerry as hypocrites for criticizing Rove before his trial verdict.  But that's pretty weak stupidity when compared with Ann and Rush's contributions.  So, Bill, what do YOU think happened?  Maybe Valerie Plame and the Cabal of Rogue Liberals sent Wilson not to Niger, but actually to Iraq, so he could destroy all the WMDs before our people got there, just to make Bush look bad.  (And then he just made up the whole Niger "mint tea" story so nobody would suspect what he was really doing.)  Yeah, and then after nice-guy Bush forbade his people from calling Wilson and the cabal on this, Rove blew Plame's cover to keep her from, um, going foward with her plan to put Hitler's brain in bin Laden's body and creating a super terrorist.  Was that what happened, Bill? "Talking Points" simply doesn't know what happened. It's impossible to ascertain that with the information available. Obviously, if Karl Rove broke the law, or even violated the ethics of this very powerful position as deputy chief of staff to the president, he has to resign. Rove should also clear the air as soon as possible. He can say anything he wants while Fitzgerald's investigating. "Talking Points" wants honest government, no matter who's in power. That was our position while Bill Clinton was president. That is our position now. Mr. Rove should step up soon. Oooh, that's not what we were expecting from the guy who single-handled saved Christmas and Baby Jesus from the ACLU.  Bill, Bill, Bill, I hope you don't have to pack up the loofah and the falafel and the penis-shaped vibrator, and leave Wingnut Island, because we know how much you like it here in the Caribbean.  Yes, once people are here in the hot weather, they shed their inhibitions.  You know, they drink during the day, they lay there and laze, they have dinner, and they come back and fool around -- that's basically the modus operandi here on Wingnut Island.  And then they take showers.  And you'll miss it all. 4.  Okay, our last contestant is  Michelle Malkin.  Instead of using the Republican Talking Points and talking about Karl Rove, she has chosen to speak on a subject dear to her heart: how illegal aliens from Mexico and Muslim chaplains are responsible for the London bombings. In the wake of the London terrorist attacks, we Americans continue to bow to an unwritten editorial policy of invoking sanitized phrases and bloodless bluster as a substitute for concrete action. How many times has this been followed by a furrowed-brow precaution from some civil rights lawyer or human rights activist urging us to avoid an "anti-Muslim backlash"?  I'd have an easier time cheering the "We will not yield" and "We are not afraid" sloganeering if just one of our tough talkers in Washington would get brutally specific about how they will show vigilance, courage, alertness and refusal to yield to radical Islamic terror. Allow me: Be my guest, Michelle.  --  A true state of "heightened alert" would mean a targeted visa moratorium for terror-sponsoring and terror-friendly nations. [...] And yes, that means tourists from Egypt, Yemen, Syria and the Philippines might be denied a Grand Canyon vacation the next five years. Tough noogies. But we're told that the War on Terror will be a generational conflict.  So, it's just "tough noogies" if the U.S. bars tourists from the Philippines for the rest of your life- time?  Well, I guess that's one way of avoiding having to entertain out-of-town relatives, right, Michelle?  -- A true state of "heightened alert" would mean unapologetic government monitoring of Arab and Muslim foreign students on temporary visas, Muslim chaplains and soldiers serving in the military and in prisons, and Arab and Muslim pilots and flight students. So, you want to monitor Muslim serving in the U.S. military, including chaplains, who are  officers.   That sounds reasonably stupid.  But can you tell us more about this monitoring.   Does it involve ensuring that each Muslim in the military is under constant FBI surveillance?  Or perhaps you were thinking of something less intrusive, like secretly-planted cameras and listening devices in their phones, living quarters, cars, houses of worship, battle fields, etc?  Or maybe you just want then tagged with tracking devices, like we do with the wild animals?  Anyway, until you explain your plan more fully, I'm afraid we can't give you full wingnut credit for this portion of your speech.  But do go on. -- A true state of "heightened alert" would mean immediate deportation of illegal aliens from terror-sponsoring and terror-supporting nations, increased National Guard dispatches on both the northern and southern borders, aggressive police-federal cooperation to catch illegal border crossers and overstayers on the interior, and vigorous encouragement of volunteer border security efforts like the Minuteman Project. So, if we are at "Condition Yellow," meaning there is an "elevated risk of terrorist attacks," then maybe the Minutemen will just be encouraged to ridicule and demean the poor Mexicans who try to illegally enter the U.S. (maybe force them to wear funny T-shirts or something).  When we are at "Condition Orange," meaning there is a "high risk of terrorist attacks," then the Minutemen will be invited to make citizen's arrests of anybody they encounter who looks insufficiently American.  And if we reach "Condition Red," meaning there is a "severe risk of terrorist attacks," the Minute Men will be encouraged to get drunk and shoot at anything that seems suspicious, including the other members of the project. It's precisely these kinds of national security profiling and targeted immigration enforcement measures that obstructionists characterize as an "anti-Muslim backlash," which is why no one will talk about them despite all the "heightened alert" posturing. But shouldn't "these kinds of national security profiling measures" include an internment camp for, oh, Muslims, as well as other U.S. residents and citizens who came from (or whose family came from) terrorist-sponsoring and terror-friendly nations?  I mean, we ARE at war, after all, and something similar to this reportedly saved our asses in WWII.  Without a mention of this measure, I have to characterize Michelle's speech as "bloodless bluster." But hey, you people are the judges, so YOU get to decide who stays and who is sent home in disgrace to peform community service cleaning toilets in roadside rest areas. 5 & 6.  But before you decide who will be leaving us, here are a couple of Outside Challengers who want to join the Media Wingnut Team.  Their names are Sean Hannity and G. Gordon Liddy, and they will both be talking about the Karl Rove treason case.  Their assistant for this number will be a liberal named Bill Press  G. GORDON LIDDY, CONSERVATIVE RADIO TALK SHOW HOST:  . Mrs. Plame, or Ms. Plame, whatever — however she calls herself — was not part of the DDO. She was not posted abroad. And so far as I know, she was not undercover. Plame was part of the DO (the Directorate of Operations); the DDO is the Director of the DO, as somebody claiming to be G. Gordon Liddy, noted G-Man and Watergate felon, should know.  I think this man is an imposter!  Anyway, as a NOC, Plame was part of the DO, both while she was assigned overseas, and while she served at CIA Headquarters.  And of COURSE she was undercover, or the CIA would never have sent a Crimes Report to the FBI, and DOJ would have never opened a criminal investigation.  G. Gordon, you're such a moron.  (And I mean that in a good way.) And here's some more from Liddy: LIDDY: Look, the point that should be made here is that Mr. Rove did not disclose her identity. He attempted to keep Mr. Cooper from embarrassing himself by putting out a false story. Isn't it nice that a big shot like Karl worries about the tender feelings of reporters, and wants to save them from the embarrassment of putting out false stories? LIDDY: The woman was not what is known in the trade as an operator. She worked at headquarters, probably doing some kind of research on WMD. She sent her husband, a former ambassador over there, who, according to his account, sat at a swimming pool drinking green tea talking to some people. And then he came back and said that there was no attempt by Iraq to purchase uranium ore from Niger. The fact is, they did. G. Gordon, nobody "in the trade" calls Case Officers or NOCs "operators."  That's just something you read in a Matt Helm novel. And I suspect that Liddy spent too much time holding his hand over a candle flame until his fingers were nicely roasted, because (a) As everyone knows, it was "mint tea"; (b) Wilson'saccount says nothing about sitting at a swimming pool; and (c) Wilson said that there was no sale of uranium ore to Iraq.  The fact is, there wasn't. While Rush may be right when he claims that Iraq really did try to purchase large quantifies of ore, and Bush just retracted the claim because he's so darned nice (okay, this didn't happen in OUR universe, but perhaps it could have occurred in a parallel one), but nobody is claiming that Niger did sell large-quantities of  yellowcake uranium to Iraq.  So, Wilson's claim in the NYT was accurate, and Mr. Liddy has shown that he's too stupid to actually read the Republican Talking Points. Not great work, but better than what O'Reilly contributed. But now let's let Hannity show why he should be on Wingnut Island: PRESS: What happened is that George Bush knowingly put false information in the State of the Union address about Saddam Hussein trying to buy yellow cake uranium in Niger. HANNITY: Bill Press, Bill... PRESS: Wait, let me finish. Joe Wilson blew his cover, and Karl Rove went after Joe Wilson as an act of political revenge. That's what happened. HANNITY: All right. Let me bring some evidence to the audience here that hasn't come out so far. Finally, Byron York did a piece tonight on National Review Online. PRESS: I read it. HANNITY: Bill, before you get even more — before you get even more hysterical than you are... I love the way Sean accuses his guest of "getting hysterical" for disagreeing with Liddy's recounting of the Republican Talking Points.  It shows real class. HANNITY: What we're discovering — I know you want to condemn him right out of the box. You don't believe in any evidence. But now Karl Rove's lawyer has said, first of all, it was Cooper who originally called Karl Rove. PRESS: So what? HANNITY: Hang on. Learn something, Bill. It was Cooper who wanted to talk about welfare reform, and then later turned it to the other issue here. And more evidence that Karl Rove wasn't on a witch-hunt to get a story out about Valerie Plame. Karl spoke to him on "double-secret-background," even according to his information. And thirdly, G. Gordon Liddy, Karl Rove released these guys to tell their story back in late December in 2003 and early 2004. So, what Sean is saying that is if Rove leaked the info about Plame during a phone call that Cooper made to Rove to ask him about welfare reform, then Rove couldn't have MEANT to get back at Wilson for his piece in the NYT -- so, the info must have just slipped out, which makes it legal.  And since Rove only provided the info about Mrs. Wilson to Cooper under "double-secret-background" (meaning that Cooper had to promise to stick a needle in his eye before he would reveal that it was Rove who gave him the info and urged him to use it in his story), then it PROVES that Rove wasn't out to get Plame.  Because if he was up to his old game of dirty tricks, Rove would have insisted that Cooper say the info about Mrs. Wilson and her CIA affiliation came from him. But now watch as Hannity once again puts a hysterical liberal in his place. PRESS: Let me just tell you. I don't care who called whom. In that conversation, Karl Rove told Matt Cooper that it was Valerie Plame... HANNITY: Bill, you're hysterical. And Sean, you're a stupid, hateful, morally repugant troll. Anyway, Media Wingut team, come out an take a bow: Ann Coulter!  Rush Limbaugh!   Bill O'Reilly!  Michelle Malkin!  G. Gordon Liddy!  And last and least, Sean Hannity! Now, judges, you can choose THREE of them to stay on the Island (a new movie based on The Clonus Horror, and dealing with a secret plan to harvest the organs of the stupid).  The other three wingnuts will be returned to society (alas). So, decide which three Media Wingnuts you think did the best at the challenge of making really, really stupid claims, and being generally obnoxious.  And vote for those three to remain on the Island. 7:08:03 AM

The TownHall Wingnut Team: Who Lives and Who Dies? Well, the votes are in, and you won't be surprised to learn that Brent Bozell will be leaving us.  It seems that Mr. Bozell, despite his impecable wingnut pedigree, his $6 million annual budget for his Media Research Center, and his great work in the field of watching TV, just wasn't in the same league as his TownHall teammates.  So, it's off the island and back to the Parents Television Council for him.  As you probably know, the PTC lovingly provides descriptions (and clips) of all the bad stuff to be found on network TV, making a visit to their wite a handy way to enjoy all of TV's filth without having to waste time on empty "plot" and such.  So,  even though he didn't make it to the "Ultimate Wingnut" finals, I think we can all agree that Brent is, as his official bio says, "One of the most outspoken and perverted winguts in the conservative movement today."  {Note: his official bio does not use the word "wingnut."  And "perverted" is only implied."] But Brent doesn't go away empty-handed.  No, he gets the following lovely consolation prizes: an "off" switch for his TV, some "Just for Men" hair dye, a ten-volume set of Thomas Bowdler's Family Shakespeare, and a life-time pass to World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. Alas, another contestant will also be leaving us.  While he showed that he is an expert whiner (and possesses the kind of lack of consistency to his stated values that marks a true wingnut), the people have spoken, and they don't like John Stossel any more as a TownHaller than they did as a Media Wingnut.  Sorry, John -- it was a nice try, but the free market said, "Give me a break."  But you'll receive the following parting gifts: a copy of Blindsided: Lifting a Life Above Illness, which the author has inscribed to you (and also added a nice, erotic personal message to your wife); a jar of Colonel Conk's Mustache Wax ("Pleasant fragrance with increased styling control and neutral color"), and a case of sunscreen -- the crappy kind that only prevents sunburn and skin cancer.  Buh-bye, John! The winner in this round was young VBen Shapiro, who received only three negative votes.  So, here's our new TownHall team roster: 1.  Captain VBen Shapiro 2.  Dr. Ex-Captain Mike Adams 3.  Pastor Doug Giles  Ben's prize for his win in this round is a transcript of a "Hannity & Whosit" segment called Supreme Dreamin': Ann Coulter Reveals Her Pick for the High Court.  Here's part of it: COLMES: Who do you want? COULTER: Thank you for asking. I want Ben Shapiro.  COLMES: Ben Shapiro. COULTER: Yes. He just finished his first year at Harvard Law, 21 years old.  COLMES: You mean for a date or for the court? COULTER: No, for the court. He's my candidate. He's very bright. He's already written one best-selling book. COLMES: You want to put a 21-year-old guy on the court? COULTER: Twenty-one, and he's just finished first year of Harvard Law.  COLMES: So you want someone who's going to be on the court for 50, 60 years? Is that — is that the whole idea? COULTER: No, I just happen to like Ben Shapiro.  Ooh, Ben, Ann likes you!  And she WANTS you.  She wants you bad!  Too bad you've made such a big deal about your comitment to virginity.  3:54:57 AM