July 29, 2005 by s.z.

Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: the Low-Rent Team Okay, this is the match that Brad R. has been waiting for: the competition among the Renew America/FrontPageMag columnists.  This is the league where one finds unmitigated wingnuttery, and you're going to get the pure, concentrated stupidity and loopiness of four of the best.  So, we have to ask all pregnant women, people with heart conditions, and children to refrain from riding this ride.  (Well, do whatever you want, but no lawsuits if your constitution can't take it). The format for this challenge will be simple: We will look at each contestant's most recent column (or, in the case of Pastor Swank, three recent columns, since he writes four or five of them a day; and three blog entries in the case of Debbie Schlussel, because her most recent FrontPage columns just aren't her best work).  Based on that body of work, each wingnut will get a chance to make three or more wingnutty claims.  You will judge the contestants on the nuttiness of those claims, and also the quality of  their presentation (extra points for stylistic touches like creative use of quotation marks and ellipses, weird metaphors, garbled syntax, and anything else that sets their prose apart from the stuffy standard English used by people who have editors and a talent for writing).  Oh, and double points for lying. 1.  Now, let's all welcome our first contestant, Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr. His first nutty claim is: Yoga Can Open You Up to Demons. If yoga were a part of Christian prayer life, the Bible would have instructed Christians in yoga. But the Bible does not do that. Therefore, taking yoga into a so-called Christian prayer is nonsense and may be worse. It could open the spirit to demonic spirits. Yoga is not of Judeo-Christian origin. It is of other religions origin. Not good. Yes, anything of non-Christian religious origin, or anything not mentioned in the Bible, isn't good.  Got that? Not good! His second wingnutty claim: "HOMO ENTHUSIASTS INFILTRATE METHODISTS," because they want to flaunt their sexual wares. It’s happening all over again. The practicing homosexuals are infiltrating big time the United Methodist Church. They have been trying for some time now, not quite able to get enough votes at the annual conclave to turn the Protestant denomination totally around for evil. Yet of course they never give up. [...] The practicing homosexuals do not care a twit about Jesus nor Christian truth. All they care about is flaunting their sexual wares for the world to see. They are exhibitionists within the courts of the holy. They are also power hungry, especially so when entering the Christian pulpits to give forth their anti-Christ messages weekly to captive audiences. These infiltrators work night and day, get on committees, write letters, wiggle their ways into positions or power and then take over. The truly Christian must do the same — but more. So, get wiggling, flaunting, and not caring a twit about Jesus, Christians.  Don't let those practising homosexuals show you up! His third wingnutty claim: we need "INTERNMENT CAMPS FOR MUSLIMS" (emphasis in the orginal). Therefore, to repeat: the entire planet is under constant siege by Muslim global murderers. Every morning we wake up to another war zone. Every peace area is a potential war zone. The tactics are not like unto previous world wars; nevertheless, enemies attack and innocent persons are slain. That’s war. And it’s happening throughout the planetary sphere. That’s world war. Now with this being reality, it’s time to erect the internment camps worldwide.  Put Muslims into those camps. There is no safety for the planet unless we lock up every potential killer. Every Muslim is just that. The Koran states that deity has commanded every non-Muslim be slaughtered by Muslims. That makes every Muslim a potential warrior on the loose. There is no safety for the planet unless we lock up every potential killer.  And, as the pastor has said previously, because of Adam's fall we are all in a fallen state, and are therefore capable of all kinds of depravity.  So, each and every person on the planet is ordered to report to the internment camp. 2.  Our next contestant is the "lovely" and "talented" ... Kaye Grogan.  Her piece is called " Bring on the Goody's headache powders. . .for Judge Roberts." First wingnutty claim:  George Bush was double-elected President, so he gets to do whatever he wants. As for President Bush being in the position to select replacements for judges on the U.S. Supreme Court, he earned that distinct privilege, when he was elected president twice. So, count to five dissidents, hold your noses, and then swallow your "Castor Oil." Yes, Democratic senators, just count to five dissidents (perhaps Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, Andrei Sakharov, Roy Medvedev, Marcelo Lopez, and Ngawang Sangdrol), then hold your noses and swallow your oily laxative, one Judge John Roberts. Second wingnutty claim: since the Constitution says nothing about abortion, it's pure evil to think that abortion could be legal. The liberals want a judge who ignores the "rule of law" period. The Rule of Law period came sometime after the Code of Hammurabi period, but before the Homo Nups period. For anyone to interpret that the Constitution gives a woman, (any woman ) — the right to kill her unborn baby is beyond sick — it's pure evil. I have read the Constitution thoroughly, and no where is there a provision that allows the slaughter of innocent babies . . . nowhere! And the selfish lamenting "I was here first! ...and I have top priority over a little unborn baby's life" — is beyond the pits! Yeah, thinking you're better than a one-celled zygote is beyond the pits.  It's even beyond the valley of  the pits! Third wingnutty claim: Judge Roberts has knives suck in his back, and he will need some "headache" powders in his pocket to cope with the pain of being interrogated by bloodsuckers and run over by a freight train. While Judge John G. Roberts is meeting with the Democrats on Capitol Hill, I don't know how he is able to lie down at night with all those knives sticking in his back. [...] In my opinion, the good judge is going to need a lot of Goody's "headache" powders in his pockets during his interrogation by a bunch of bloodsuckers. He is going to feel like he's been run over by a freight train, before, and after . . . all is said and done. And that's just my opinion! And by "headache" powders, Kaye means "cocaine." 3.  Our third contestant, Debbie Daniel, will share with us her column entitled "Jane Fonda's 'Coming Out' Party!" First wingnutty claim: Jane Fonda is only calling for an end to U.S. military operations in Iraq in order to sell more copies of her book. Well, well, well! While the United States is engaged in combat against terrorists in Iraq, our ubiquitous Hanoi Jane can't seem to get a handle on attaining maximum attention from her most recent book tour promoting herself. Please don't question that statement; what else could she have possibly wanted to do when she entitled her book: "My Life So Far"? Gee, I certainly wanted an update, didn't you? Debbie, should Jane have entitled it My Life: The Whole Story, and then killed herself? Second wingnutty claim: By speaking out against the war, Fonda shows that she hates the troops, supports Saddam, and is a traitor -- and traveling the U.S. to talk to American citizens about pulling out of Iraq is just the same as looking like she could have shot down American planes while in Vietnam. This time you don't even have to go to the enemy's territory to make your case, we can all see the picture clearly from here. There won't be any mistaking who that lady is on top of the tour bus with a gun pointed at an American soldier. It will be YOU and we can all witness it together. Go ahead, Miss Fonda, mount yourself on top of a tour bus just as you straddled that communist anti-aircraft gun in position to shoot down American pilots in Vietnam. Will you have some terrorists along for the ride as you did with the North Vietnamese? Will you be in some simulated position as if to shoot down American soldiers who would dare try to win a war against terrorism? While traveling in America, Jane might sit on her tour bus in a simulated position, and use her finger to simulate aiming at American soldiers in Iraq?  If so, we definitely should send her to Pastor Swank's internment camp, because and we can't put up with that anymore. Her third wingnutty claim is that not only is Fonda just speaking out against the war to sell books, and not only is Fonda a traitor and an associate of America's enemies John Kerry and Osama bin Laden, but both charges are somehow related to her having  a three-way while married to Vadim. You've had so many "coming outs" that we just can't keep up with them all. Your "coming out" as a born-again Christian; your "coming out" as a proponent for abortion-on-demand; and then your early tryst to "come out" and be part of a three-some with your husband and another partner because you feared your husband might leave you. Hmmm! That's quite a list of "coming outs," dear lady. [...] Boy, that's one way to get a book sold. We know John Kerry will be in the crowd and won't Osama bin Laden be proud? And this, dear lady, will be proof positive of your desire to once again "aid and abet the enemy." Yes, if you ever speak at a gathering where John Kerry is present, you are making Osama proud. 4.  Our last contestant is Debbie Schlussel. (Because of the high quality of these candidates, there will be no outside challenger.)  Her first wingnutty claim: If you don't learn to speak English, you pretty much deserve to get shot dead by the police.  It comes from her blog entry "One Accidentally Killed: Maybe Spielberg Should Do a Movie." Everyone is all up in arms over the mistaken killing of the Brazilian man in the London subway, Jean Charles de Menezes. By "everyone," I mean all the liberals, Islamists, and haters of our war on terror--the ones who think we should just lay down and die in the name of civil liberties. But the fact is, the man lived in Britain for three years, and, reportedly, still DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH! That's why he didn't heed police calls to stop. Second wingnutty claim: It's okay to kill a few innocent people while trying to take vengeance on terrorists, and Steven Spielberg is a traitor to his race and his country because he apparently doesn't believe this. How is this related to Steven Spielberg? He's making a movie, "Munich," which was previously called "Vengeance," because--despite his denials--it's based on the apocryphal Jonas book "Vengeance." As I've written here,here, and here, the message is that because ONE--ONLY ONE--innocent man was killed, Israeli Mossad agents, who successfully tracked down and killed all but one of the Munich terrorists who murdered Israeli athletes, should have never set forth on this mission. An absurd idea, but yet that's the premise of Spielberg's self-hating film. In fact, even if Mossad killed a thousand innocent people, it would be well worth it in order to get the terrorists who were responsible for the deaths of twelve Israeli athletes. Debbie S's third wingnutty claim comes from her piece "If You See Any Movie This Year, SEE THIS!"  And that claim is that Michelle Malkin is her friend.  Glad that Filipinos--many of whom risked their lives for our soldiers and were murdered for it--get the credit they deserve for their heroic bravery in helping American POWs. Most Americans remain unaware of this, and "The Great Raid" will help correct that. Mina, the courageous Filipino woman in the movie, reminds me of my friend, Michelle Malkin (though she is as American as I am--100%). Wow, what a nice compliment: Michelle Malkin, the brave Filipina, is just as American as Debbie is -- 100%.  And since Michelle was born and raised here, and her parents are American citizens, why does Debbie think anybody would accuse Michelle of being proportionately less American than anybody else? It sounds to me like Debbie believes Miichelle needs defending because by having non-white ancestry, she just seems kinda dubious. The fourth wingnutty claim comes from an entry called Aiding Palestinian Terrorists: Ricky Martin Picks up Where Angelina Jolie Left Off! Gives Thumbs Up to Map of Hate!  It's about how "the ambiguously gay Ricky Martin" attended the Arab Children's Congress, where he donned a scarf he was given that said "Jerusalem Is Ours" in Arabic.  Debbie's claim is that Ricky is a gay anti-Semite who supports terrorists. Last year, Angelina Jolie attended as a guest of honor, hung out with the haters, and made out with Queen Noor (see photos here). This year, the offender is the ambiguously gayRicky Martin, as a UN Childrens Fund Goodwill Ambassador. As you can see, below, Ricky Martin is wearing the "Map of Hate" scarf, with "Jerusalem is ours," in Arabic, and giving a "thumbs up". (The "Map of Hate" is the map showing ALL of Israel as Palestine--as in wiping the Jews off the face of Israel, and ultimately, the world.) Looks like Martin has now cut his already-dwindled-to-almost-nothing audience to an even smaller slice: gay Palestinian terrorists. While there are more of those than you'd want to know about, it's not a large enough audience to sustain a pop career. And the only well-known one, Yasser Arafat, is now dead. Although Debbie doesn't mention the source for her info, it appears to be this A.P. article that came out the morning of the day she wrote her blog entry.  Odd that she didn't mention this part of the piece, don't you think? Martin, whose hits include "She Bangs," "Shake Your Bon-Bon" and "Livin' La Vida Loca," posed for photos with fans, at one point draping over his shoulders a traditional Arab kaffiyeh headscarf with the slogan "Jerusalem Is Ours" written in Arabic on it. "I had no idea that the kaffiyeh scarf presented to me contained language referring to Jerusalem, and I apologize to anyone who might think I was endorsing its message," Martin said in a statement released Monday by his New York-based publicist, Ken Sunshine.  I'm sure it was just an accident that Debbie portrayed the situation in such a way that she got a trackback stating, "Debbie Schlussel gives an update on the singer Ricky Martin, who's been committing the atrocity of aiding PLO terrorists."  Debbie would NEVER withhold information in order to make a "liberal" showbiz personality look bad. Anyway, let's bring the Low-Rent Wingnut Contestants back for a final bow: Pastor Grant Swank! Kaye Grogan! Debbie Daniel! Debbie Schlussel! Weren't they all wingnutty, folks? Now, vote ONE of them OFF THE TEAM. And then watch out for Yoga-practicing, gay demons who are running a freight train over John Roberts, helping Jane Fonda get in a position where she could shoot down American planes in Vietnam, and claiming that it's somehow not okay to kill innocent people who never learned to speak English. 3:26:52 AM

The Ultimate Wingnut Cartoonist: Plus, Some Future Contenders You all brought up some very good points while supporting your candidate for the title of World's Wingnuttiest Cartoonist (I was especially impressed by the hilarious story about the reaction of Bruce "Mallard Fillmore" Tinsely to the Daily Show's book's parody of his strip).  However, this is America, and so if the majority says that Scott Stantis of "Prickly City" is our winner, then he is.  But it's an honor just to get nominated. And after actually looking at the "Prickly City," I have to agree that Stantis deserves this honor -- for his lack of artistic ability, if nothing else.  If some of you hadn't said that those circle-things on the girl's face were supposed to be her large (African-American) lips, I would have thought that she had a goatee (or maybe lip rings).  And what the heck is the thing floating in the air in the last panel of today's strip?  It looks like the Brain from Planet Arous, although I guess it could be the evil spirit the Wizard of Id is always conjuring up.  (However,  R. Mildred may be right about it being Dick Cheney in his pupal stage").  And consider if you will today's "punch line" about a Howard Dean rally: "I would imagine the guys by the podium in the white uniforms and the big net are a little distracting."  So, Howard Dean is insane: now THAT's a timely, topical message.  But I'm confused by the description of the men by the podium: they are wearing white uniforms and a big net (just one big net that they all have to share, as they presumably use it as a head dress).  Yeah, I guess that would be distracting, but what does that have to do with Dean? Anyway, I think that Stantis is an excellent choice for this honor, and will add him to one of our weaker wingnut teams ... perhaps the Korner Kids team, in the hope that they can teach him how to draw. But some excellent write-in candidates were proposed.  While BC can be very wingnutty, the last three strips (as many as I felt like reading) were your standard example of a tedious cartoon that hasn't been funny since the '70s, but which isn't overtly wingnutty.  So Hart will have to try harder if he wants to be the cartoon  world's Pastor Swank (Pastor Swank is ALWAYS wingnutty).  But I was heartened to learn that a book of Hart's religious strips may be published soon -- because, as Bistroist pointed out with his examples, Easter just wouildn't be the same without Hart's poetry/salvage  and Brad R. nominated "Faithmouse, the cartoon of the Christian Right!"  And a great nomination it was, in that the eponymous character seems to actually be a talking toilet seat. (Look for yourself ...  if you DARE!)  Today's strip features a zygote with angel wings (giving it an unfortunate resemblance to a fruit fly), with the symbol for woman above its head like a halo.  So, I guess it's dead.  It is holding a placard which reads, "Women's rights begin in the womb."  However, as a woman, I sure don't want any fruit fly-zygote ghosts holding protest rallies in my womb, especially if they are going to be holding pointy-edged signs.  So, the strip isn't so much funny as it is anti--life, in that it makes me never want to get pregnant. Sandals and Zen suggested the ineffable "Umbert The Unborn, the world's most lovable unborn baby (next to yours!)"   It's a Catholic pro-life comic which seems to be about the embryonic Dilbert (who, without Dogbert, Catbert, Wally, and the Pointy Haired Boss, really isn't that funny).  However, Umbert does answer the question as to why Dilbert always has such trouble getting a girlfriend:  while in the womb, he apparently never developed a penis. In the most recent strip, Umbert says, "Who says I'm not viable?  What, because I'm dependant on my parents for everything?  Because I can't live outside the womb on my own?  By that standard, I won't be viable 'til after college!"  If I were a college student, I would be kind of offended at being equated with a parasitic, undeveloped life form lacking a fully-functioning brain.  But I do like how the cartoonist, Gary Cangemi, seems to believe that the father shares gestating duties with the mother while the unborn child is in the womb. KMB proposed "State of the Union," which is so wingnutty that it appears to come from a different universe (one in which the rules of humor are much different from our own).  In today's strip, three uniformed guys with rifles, dark hair, beards, and Vulcan ears are watching TV.  A speech bubble coming from the TV says, "As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down."  Then the three men fall asleep.  I'm sure this is a very profound and trenchant comment about something, but I don't know what.  (Is Mr. Moore trying to say that the Iraqi army is a joke, and will never "stand up"?  Is he allegeging that the the Israelis fall asleep when President Bush gives his State of the Union Addresses?  That the Vulcans find America TV boring? Like I said, I can't figure this one out.) Preznit giv me turkee and Mentis Fugit mentioned our old, wingnutty friend John Rule, who does the "Oracle" cartoons at Hal Lindsey's site.  This week's one-panel strip is typical of Rule's work: a White haired-guy in a suit emblazoned with "Kennedy" on the back of his jacket is looking at the Constitution.  "It's a living, breathing ..." he says.  A  black woman wearing a cross around her neck, and clutching her very pregnant stomach, replies, "...You finally got something right!"  The caption beneath the panel is "Sweet Liberalism" -- I'm guessing that this refers to how Ted Kennedy knocked up the woman.  Anyway, the beauty of the Oracle cartoons is how Rule knows that he's a crappy artist, and so carefully labels most of the people and many of the objects in his work, so you'll know who or what they're  supposed to be, and what supposed to be happening.  You have to admire somebody who doesn't have the words "subtlety" or "artistic integrity" in his vocabulary. And the other great thing about Rule is his line of coffee mugs.  And so I have decided that our Ultimate Wingnut Cartoonist, Scott Stantis, gets this image of a Rule mug as his prize.  Note how God (who is apparently stirring up trouble in the Middle East in order to bring about  Armageddon in order to kill all those who don't own this mug) looks an awful lot like Ted Kennedy.  Now that's good religious right humor!  Anyway, we'll keep the Faithmouse guy, the Umbert guy, the State of the Union guy, and John Rule in mind is case we need more human sacrifices to appease the giant ape who rules Wingnut Island  contestants for the contest. P.S.  A hat tip to Bill. S. for proposing this contest. Thanks, Bill.  Thank you so bloody much -- my eyes hurt now.  ;-) 12:43:49 AM