April 10, 2005 by s.z.

Who Said It? We haven't done this for a while, but we still need to identify our mystery guests from last time, and honor those who named them. So: 1.   Joseph Farah.  A point to Nutthuis. 2.  Jonah Goldberg.  A point to grishaxxx. 3.  BillBennett and Brian Kennedy.   A point to Doghouse Riley. 4.   Rush Limbaugh.  Another point to grishaxxx. 5.  Sean Hannity.  A third point to grishaxxx. And the first person to correctly name them all in one comment (plus give them amusing nicknames) was Clif, with this entry: (1) I'll bet Farrah. (2) Jonah the Whale; (3) Batman Bennet and Robin Kennedy; (4) Hillbilly Heroin Limbaugh and (5) Sean Hannity We encourage our winners to save their points, which they might someday be able to trade for valuable prizes, such as this exciting book: End of State, End of State Series #1By: Neesa Hart Description: Countless people disappear and America's president frantically demands answers. Chief of Staff Brad Benford knows the truth, but will telling it destroy his career---and his chance to serve God amid the post-rapture chaos? Weaving the intrigue of The West Wing with Left Behind suspense, Hart delivers an explosive political page-turner picturing the tribulation's opening days. Yes, the imagine the fun of being the Chief of Staff who has to tell President Martin Sheen or Jimmy Smits (or whover the heck it is these days) that all the good people got raptured, and yet, surprisingly, Congress was untouched.  This book is the first in what is being advertised as the "Left Behind Political Series."  There's also a "Left Behind Military Series," an "Apocalypse Series," and of course, the original Left Behind books in graphic novel format. Yes, thanks to Tyndale Press, you need never again read anything that isn't about the Apocalypse! So, keep saving those points. Now, Who Said This? 1.  The escape and capture of Brian Nichols shows women playing roles they should not (escorting dangerous criminals) and women playing roles they do best (making men better people). [...] It's also another example of how our universities are failing students. Today's college coeds would be dead: They know nothing about Jesus Christ and can't cook a good meal. Of course, this pundit is a perfect example of a woman who makes men better people, knows all about Jesus Christ, and can cook a good meal. 2.  They say he [the Pope] asked that his heart be removed from his body and buried in Poland. That sounds right, and I hope it's true. They'd better get a big box. Yeah, they'd better get a really big box, because this writer might just want to jump in with it (I think they had special guard at the ready to keep her from jumping in the casket at the funeral).  3.  We were "wrong" in the sense that we laid out the evidence and said that based on the available evidence, we thought that the memo was a fake. We did not report as a fact that the memo was a fake, and we did not purport to have any information that was not publicly available. Any reader could follow our logic and either agree or disagree with our opinion. But the Post was "wrong" in a much different and more serious way. This is just like how those who said that the sun revolves around the earth were wrong, but Galileo was even wronger, in that it was his fault that his findings made his enemies try to discredit him. 4.  There’s been a lot of chatter and blather from the loopy left about getting a more secularized pope, a Pope Lite. One who is not an old geezer with respect to his view of right and wrong.  Y’know… maybe a metrosexual hip guy, in the vein of Ross on Friends, malleable in his beliefs and muddled in his worldview.  [...] I’d like to see the Catholic Church let the next guy get married, as St. Paul said was a minister’s right, to a girl like Salma Hayek and have some kids. See, the loopy left wants Ross from "Friends" as the Pope, while this pundit/pastor just wants a Pope who will acknowledge the average guy's right to have Salma Hayek for his wife.  That's why this guy is the spiritual leader to literally SEVERAL! 5. Who is described in the following paragraph? Mr [...] arrived in Congress in 1984 still very much the party animal, drinking martinis in both hands, downing a dozen a night. He then became a true man of his time. Just as evangelism was exploding into a US political force, he started crying while watching a video of tele-evangelist James Dobson. 6.  Who said this in a recent newsletter to his followers? Here's a message I hope you will deliver, said in your own words: To all Republican Senators: Many of those who put you in power care passionately about the unborn child, about marriage, about the evil of cloning, and about religious liberty. The liberal judiciary threatens our beliefs about every one of these issues. You have been made the majority in the House, in the Senate, and a Republican occupies the White House. Together they represent the coveted "Triple Crown" of American politics. If you fritter away the responsibility to reform the courts, and if you ignore the "values" that motivated those who supported you at the polls, you do not deserve the trust given to you. It's time to fish or cut bait. Bonus question (suggested by Mark from Fried Green al-Qaedas) It comes from a recent Dan Froomkin article: OK, who said this at the White House yesterday? "The humiliated profession of journalism -- the journalists who wanted to speak the truth and stood against the official power, they could pay dearly." Good luck, everyone! 4:07:32 AM

Sunday Cinema The votes have been tallied in our "Pick the Next Sunday Cinema Feature" poll (the one in honor of the Pope and the NBC mini-series "Revelations").  The winner, by one vote, was the spaceship-from-hell classic, Event Horizon.  But never fear, our runner-up, End of Days, will be featured next week.  In fact, all the nominees will have their time in the spotlight, because we've got the summaries done and we're not afraid to use them!  (Well, actually, we don't have a summary done for Left Behind II: Even More Left Behind, because we are afraid to watch it, but we'll do it, if needs be.  You know, for the children.) But first, in honor of "Revelations" (which begins Wednesday, I believe), here's part of a Wash Post item about it:  "I've always felt that the executives in the entertainment industry are completely out of touch with the culture of most Americans," [says the program's executive producer, Gavin Polone]. They're disconnected from the nation's character and religion. I wanted to do something that would be directed specifically toward the Christian audience." "Revelations" features a murderous satanist who doesn't bleed, a comotose girl who utters mysterious clues in Latin, an image of Jesus on a Mexican cliff side, and a baby found adrift at sea who may be the son of Satan or the second coming of Christ.  Um, sorry, Gavin, but this really isn't the religion of most Americans, even the Christian ones.  Sure, it might be part of our culture -- our horror movie culture -- but that's not the same thing as our actual religious beliefs (at least, not for the majority of Christians).  So, good luck trying to sell this to the Left Behind cultists (who, btw, probably believe that it's blasphemy to try to prevent the End of Days, because that would keep Jesus from coming to rapture them, and so would mean that they have to keep living in this sinful world), but please don't claim this TV series is in touch with America's character and religion. That said, I will probably watch at least the first installment, because yes, horror movies are part of my culture. Anyway, on to Event Horizon, a movie that is also in touch with our country's character and religion, in that it's about spooky, weird stuff -- in SPACE!  EVENT HORIZON (1997) Directed by Paul Anderson Written by Philip Eisner Welcome aboard the rescue ship Lewis & Clarke. Our captain is Laurence Fishburne, an efficient, no-nonsense, irritable guy who says stuff like "I do mind if you get dressed! Let’s go, people!" Our crew of stereotypes consists of Macho Chick, Teenage Geek, Single Mother, Angry Skinhead, Funny Black Guy, and Token Smart Person. The unwelcome guest on the mission Sam Neill, for whom the crew feels hostility because of that whole "Omen III"/antichrist thing. We in the audience have some concerns about his mental stability due to his hallucinations about his wife coming back from the dead with a really bad case of pink eye. Apparently, in 2047 NASA no longer has Dr. Bellows doing psychological screenings before sending people into space. Once we are outside Neptune, Sam explains why we had to come "a billion clicks" from the nearest restroom: because a transmission from the Event Horizon was recently detected. The crew finds this hard to believe since they know from the opening titles that the Event Horizon exploded seven years ago. So, Sam gives them the REAL back-story, which he saw in the previews. The Event Horizon didn’t really blow up, it disappeared; and it wasn’t really a research ship, it was a faster-than-light secret government project, and Sam invented it. Macho Chick heckles Sam, stating that relativity says that nothing can go faster than light, and relativity won’t let you go out for recess if you don’t do what it says. Sam claims that relativity isn’t the boss of him, and he demonstrates by poking holes in a Pam Anderson centerfold. Once everybody understands how to fold space/time with porn, Sam plays the transmission, which consists of high-pitched gibberish and squeals. But underneath the Mariah Carrey song, you can hear a voice intoning something in Latin, the international language of creepiness. Smart Guy translates the message as "Save me" —- which is kind of lame as messages from space go, but probably better than "Mars needs women." And where has the ship been for the past seven years? Sam says that’s what they’re there to find out, since the crew’s library books are WAY over due. They dock with the Event Horizon and everything is "five by five," which is apparently future-speak for "twenty-five." A scan reveals trace life forms through out the ship, which means, of course, that it is haunted, so Laurence, Single Mother, and Teen Geek take the Mystery Mobile right over. Single Mother is startled by a floating dead body with its eyes ripped out, but it’s apparently just an audience member from the movie’s test screening, so nobody pays it much mind. Teen Geek explores the core of the energy drive, a big interlocking sprocket set with a magic mirror in the center. Teen naturally sticks his hand into the mirror, and gets sucked in! Globs of gunk come flying out and cause an explosion on the Lewis & Clarke, resulting in a hull breech, trash fires, and a general lack of "five by five." Laurence orders everybody over to the Event Horizon until their ship can be repaired or they all die, whichever comes first. Skinhead predicts that bad things will happen, and sure enough, Teen Geek suddenly reappears, and he’s even more sullen than before. Or possibly possessed. But when Funny Black Guy tells Sam about the strange event, Sam says it’s not physically possible. "Don’t start in with that physics shit!" shouts FBG, who became an astronaut to get AWAY from book larnin’. Sam cleverly avoids scientific stuff by mentioning that the Event Horizon’s drive works by creating a black hole. "The most destructive force in the universe!" explains Macho Chick for the benefit anyone who didn’t see the Maximilian Schell epic. Laurence orders the core sealed off so it can do no further damage. However, a close-up of Sam reveals that he’s got core in his eye, so it’s already too late. Let the terror begin! Single Mother is alone in a dark, deserted lab when she sees an eerie container. She throws off the cover to find her son, the one whom she felt guilty about leaving to go to work. And he has icky sores on his legs — no doubt as a result of her putting him in day care! Focus on the Family warned her! Teen Geek goes into convulsions, vomits pea soup, spins his 360 degrees, and mutters about "the dark," probably referring to his preferences in turkey. Laurence sees a raging fire containing a burning man. Which, while unnerving, is at least is better than seeing The Burning Bed. Sam blames the dwindling oxygen for the hallucinations, but nobody buys it because they are all heavy smokers and are used to lacking oxygen. Skinhead shouts something in Australian about the ship being forked (well, that’s what I heard), then adds, "If you break all the laws of physics, what do you expect!" Hmm, a hefty fine? 100 hours of community service? No, I know: eternal damnation! Teen Geek tries to lighten things up by entering the airlock without a spacesuit. For explanation he murmurs, "It shows you things, horrible things," no doubt referring to the movie, which makes EVERBODY who sees it want to kill themselves. But with only seconds before he is ejected into space, Teen changes his mind, and Laurence has to rescue him. Jeez, kid, in or out! Laurence continues to hallucinate about the burning man, who turns out to be a former coworker; Laurence left him to rot in Bad Company and has been wracked with guilt ever since. "This ship knew about it! It knows my fears, it knows my secrets," exclaims Laurence. Well, he should have used that little lock on his diary if he wanted privacy. But in only minutes the Lewis and Clarke will be fixed and they can all go home, except that Sam says they CAN’T go home because the ship won’t let them. Sam also says he IS home, probably because he read one of those signs that says that if you lived here, you’d be home now. Sam hallucinates about his wife again, this time reliving how she slit her wrists because he made her watch The Piano. He unwinds by blowing up the Lewis & Clarke. The explosion kills Skinhead (who was only 3 seconds from retirement), and propels Funny Black Guy into space. But he manages to make his way back to the Event Horizon by using his air tank, and by being funny and black. Single Mother gets killed by her son, who is upset because she missed his school play. Smart Guy gets killed by Sam, whom physics has turned EVIL. Sam next pops up on the bridge, bloody and eyeless. He says cheerily, "Where we’re going, we won’t need eyes to see." Presumably, the movie’s premiere. Sam, who finally has read the whole script, informs Laurence that when the Event Horizon activated the black hole warp-drive, it opened a gateway into a dimension of pure chaos, a dimension of pure evil: the Adam Sandler dimension. And when the ship came back it was ALIVE! And cranky! It wants to take them all back to the horrible, chaotic place where it has been for the past seven years. However, Macho Chick doesn’t WANT to go to New York, and so she jumps Sam. Funny Black Man comes back for the finale, and in trying to kill him, Sam shoots a hole in the hull and is sucked into space. The three survivors could breathe a sigh of relief about the movie being over if only Sam hadn’t already powered up the black hole. Next stop, Hades and ladies apparel! Laurence recalls an old "Star Trek: The Next Generation" ep, and decides to blow the ship in two. They will stay on the good part, and only the bad part will go to EuroDisney. He heads off to plant the bomb, sadly missing the cameo appearance of the tide of blood from The Shining. Laurence makes it to the core, only to encounter his crispy critter former colleague, who turns into Sam, now made-up like that guy from Hellraiser. It seems the ship brought him back to life because there were still some horror cliches to exploit. He quips, "The gateway is open, and you’re all coming with me. Do you see? Do you see?" Ha ha, Sam — you really have a way with a Helen Keller joke. Laurence doesn’t want to see any more (as do none of us), and pushes the "Explode" button. Laurence’s half of the ship get sucked into to hell, while the other half part drifts into the rest of the movie, which while not hell, isn’t exactly paradise. 72 days later, a ship finds the survivors. A rescue worker pulls Macho Chick out of her grav couch . . .and he’s Sam! Funny Black Guy reassures her that it’s just a dream, and the scene a fake-out stolen from Carrie. He holds her while she screams, but nobody can hear her, because she’s in space. The End. 1:46:56 AM