April 11, 2005 by s.z.

A Friend For Doug As we learned from Dr. Mike's column from last week, he no longer counts Doug Giles as a "friend" (thanks to their little "camping trips" being exposed by those Canadian hussies over at Rabble.ca).  So, I've been trying to find some new friends for poor Doug.  And I did manage to locate a couple of guys who might enjoy big game hunting, shark wrestling, and farting with Doug.  First, let's meet David Murrow.  David has just written a book.  David's book introduces us to Cliff, the guy who I think could be Doug's new friend.  Here, see what you think.       Cliff is a man’s man. See, doesn't he sound perfect for Doug already?      Cliff drives a humongous four-wheel-drive pickup. He loves the outdoors and takes every opportunity for a little hunting and fishing. So does Doug!  They could go together (I'm sure both of their wives will be greatly relieved to get them out of the house)! He enjoys a cold beer and a dirty joke. He does not go to church. As Doug once told us, neither does Dirty Harry, but that doesn't stop Doug from wishing that Harry would be his best friend, and praying that Harry will visit Doug's motel church and maybe shoot some of his congregation.   Ask him why he doesn’t go to church, and he’ll offer up words like boring, irrelevant, and hypocrite. But the real reason Cliff doesn’t go to church is that he’s already practicing another religion. That religion is masculinity. Hey, that's Doug's religion too! Cliff practices his religion with a single-mindedness the Pharisees would envy. His work, his hobbies, his entertainment, his follies, his addictions, everything he does is designed to prove to the world he is a man. His religion also demands that he avoid anything that might call his manhood into question. This includes church, because Cliff believes deep in his heart that church is something for women and children, not men. He and Doug should get together and take some Precious Moments figurines out in the everglades and use them for clay pigeons!  Then they could do some more stuff to prove to the world that they are men, like skipping church, killing deer and comparing penises.  So, I'm going to send an email to David Murrow and ask him if Cliff can go on a playdate with Doug. My second candidate for the position of Doug's new best friend is one Chuck Baldwin.  Chuck's recent Renew America column, Turning Men into Milquetoasts, shows that he shares Doug's concern that men today just aren't manly enough.  But he even goes further than Doug and bluntly states that our leaders, including the Bush brothers, are wimps.  That's the kind of "tell it like it is" guy with whom Doug should be hanging out Anyway, here's Chuck: The failure of Florida Governor Jeb Bush to exercise his executive authority to intervene on behalf of Terri Schiavo is just the latest example of how America's chief executives seem to lack the will to decisively act during moments of moral crisis. In fact, it seems that America's men in general are seriously deficient in the traditional masculine attributes of courage and determination. Instead, timidity and diffidence seem to characterize most of America's leaders today. Yeah!  You would have thought that at least one of our leaders would have stolen a tank  hired a platoon of mercenaries, and have attempted to rescue the poor woman! The very essence of leadership is the ability to act decisively during moments of moral crisis. Whether the decision is approved by a majority of people cannot be a factor. Just the opposite. During times of moral crisis, it is assumed that more often than not the right decision will be unpopular. If everybody tells you that an action is unconstitutional, unAmerican, illegal, and just plain wrong, then that's a good sign that you should do it, because "everybody" is a bunch of immoral, unmanly losers. In the Terri Schiavo case, it was a breakdown of moral integrity by Terri's husband and by members of the judiciary that forced a moral crisis: a crisis that could have been resolved by a brave and decisive Florida governor. As with so many of his generation, however, Governor Bush sat frozen by fear and indecision. What a girly-man!  I bet Jeb eats quiche, hates Dirty Harry movies, and loves Precious Moments figurines!  And so does his old man!  And his brother! For Jeb Bush, this was the second time that his lack of moral willpower resulted in tragedy. The first time was back on April 22, 2000 (on Good Friday weekend, no less) when Attorney General Janet Reno sent federal agents into Florida to seize little Elian Gonzales. When this happened, Governor Bush, again, sat frozen with indifference and inaction. Or, perhaps, the governor was told to stay out of the matter, and he sheepishly complied. Either way, Jeb showed no courage or resolve, and little Elian was whisked away to Communist Cuba. Yup, clearly its coup time in Florida, men. The lack of masculine courage and willpower is quickly turning America's men into milquetoasts. That sounds just like something that Doug would say! (Except that he would probably spell it "milky toasts.") So, let's find out more about Chuck, to see if the two men have anything else in common: Chuck Baldwin is Founder-Pastor of Crossroads Baptist Church in Pensacola, Florida. Say, Chuck is also a pastor!  And he lives in Florida too.  This is perfect! While he originally planned on a career in law enforcement, Chuck "answered the divine call to Gospel ministry" and decided instead to attend Bible school. Doug originally planned on a career in law breaking, until he decided to be a businessman, artist, and then eventually, answered the call to the ministry.  So, it's like they are the Corsican brothers! He is the host of Chuck Baldwin Live, a daily, two hour long radio call-in show on the events of the day. In addition to writing two books of theology — "Subjects Seldom Spoken On" and "This Is The Life" — he has edited and produced "The Freedom Documents," a collection of fifty of the greatest documents of American history. Doug has a radio show!  Doug has written some books!  I wonder why they aren't best friends already? In 2004, Chuck was the vice presidential nominee for the Constitution Party. But Doug hasn't ever been the nominee for any political party (although that's clearly a driving ambition).  And this could prove to be an insurmountable obstacle to the friendship, since Doug would always be jealous of Chuck and his prestigious nomination.  Plus, Doug thinks George Bush is as manly as all get out, and so he probably wouldn't join Chuck's uprising against our wimpy commander-in-chief.  So, I guess Doug should just stick with Cliff for now, since Cliff, being fictional, is more his speed. 5:02:34 AM

If You Don't Believe in the Privatization of Social Security, You Might Be a Commie Yes, it's time for the latest from Townhall's own Jeff Foxworthy, Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D.  It's the story of how young Dr. Mike, like many of us, grew up fearing commies, and how you can instill that fear in your youngsters (even though it probably makes more sense to make them afraid of zombies and Frankenstein monsters) by forcing them to read Ann Coulter book (which in many states would be considered child abuse). It seems like just yesterday that I was riding back from the Piggly Wiggly after grocery shopping with my mother. Of course, it wasn't yesterday. It was really last Tuesday.  Mike goes grocery shopping with his Mom so she can protect him from the hordes of ugly, butch feminists who might say "vagina, vagina" at him. It was more like the summer of 1970. If memory serves me correctly, I was five years old. While we were riding in our 1965 Pontiac Catalina, I heard a reporter on the radio say something about a war in Vietnam. I didn't know we were in a war until I asked my mom if we were fighting the Germans again. That's when I first heard that terrible word. "No, son, we are fighting the communists." Yes, "no" is a pretty terrible word to most young kids, and the fact that he didn't hear it until he was five explains a lot about him. I asked her who these communists were and where they came from. She paused and said "No one really knows." Some folks say that if you are bitten by a Communist, you become one too, and then have to live by night, drinking the blood of capitalists.  Others say that even a man who is pure of heart, and says his prayers by night, may become a commie when the commiebane blooms, and the Hammer and Sickle is bright.  And I've even heard that if you let mogwais eat after midnight, they become commies.  But no one really knows. Today things are different. We know who the communists are and where they come from. Most of them teach at American universities. We work hard every day to pay the taxes which, in turn, pay their salaries. Meanwhile, they work hard to subvert everything we do, everything we value, and everything we love. Of course, they don't call themselves communists. They prefer the term "socialist." Whether they are pushing socialized medicine, decrying the privatization of social security, or trying to subordinate our foreign policy interests to those of the U.N., they give themselves away immediately. Yup, if you are for universal medical insurance, don't believe in doing away with social security, and think that we should try to work with other countries instead of just telling the world that "We are the boss of you," then you're probably a commie.  And if you are employed by a university, then FOR SURE you are a commie, and are trying to subvert everything that decent people do, value, and love -- unless you're Dr. Mike, of course. Anyway, "hardly a day goes by" without parents asking Dr. Mike how they can keep their innocent children from falling victim to the soul-destroying campus commies (because, as we all know, most conservative college students are morons and virgins, and therefore the prey of choice of vampires Communists). Today, I present a reading list, which should help any high school student understand the reality of socialism long before setting foot on a college campus. It will help abort any professor's attempt to advance his agenda by rewriting socialism's disgraceful history. Most of the books on Mike's list are by Ayn Rand, because apparently Rand is like garlic to socialists (or something).  Dr. Mike advises you to force your high school-age children to read We the Living, Anthem, The Fountainhead, and Atlas Shrugged.  THAT will teach them what suffering is all about! Mike does offer a few caveats, though.  Regarding Fountainhead, he says: At around 700 pages, this novel may be a bit long for the average high school student. But, then again, many high school students were required to read it in the 1950s. Hey, if it was required reading for many students in the 1950s, then it should certainly be mandatory for today's youth -- because the '50s were the golden age of conservatism, wholesomeness, conformity, and racism, and if we could make our kids recreate those days, what a wonderful world it would be! And of Atlas he notes: At over 1000 pages, this one is going to take time for your high schooler to read. If they refuse, you can always teach them a lesson about capitalism by paying them to read it. And if they still refuse, you can put them in a mental hospital until they agree.  That way they can learn first hand what was communism was all about. Mike also recommends Animal Farm, and then lets us in on a little secret about his past: Maybe your high school student is having trouble in his English classes. Maybe that is, in part, due to his inability to pick up on symbolism. I flunked English four years in a row in high school, partly because of my inability to pick up on obvious literary symbols. Why doesn't this surprise me in the slightest?  You know, I bet that even now it drives Mike crazy when literature contains any ambiguity at all. ("Is Moby Dick a whale, or a symbol?  Unless Melville spells it out for me, I will denounce him as a Communist!") But it's with this next recomendation that we learn that it was possibly Dr. Mike's inability to read that actually caused him to flunk those English classes: Treason (2003)-The www.biography.com entry for Joseph McCarthy says the following: "His wild, unsubstantiated charges and headline-grabbing investigations of Communists in the foreign service, the US Information Agency, and the military...led historians to label the early 1950s the McCarthy era." After you read this wonderful book by Ann Coulter, ask the good folks at A&E just what those unsubstantiated charges were. And, in class, make sure your children ask their professors, too. Be prepared for a lot of stammering, after a long and awkward pause. Um, Dr. Mike, right before the part you quoted, the A&E entry says, "in February 1950 he won lasting notoriety by charging that the US State Department had been infiltrated by Communists."  And was the State Dept. actually "infiltrated"? Well, only if you believe that 4 or 5 commies constitutes an infiltration. And what about that list which McCarthy claimed to have, containing the names of 205 State Dept employees who were "card carrying members or certainly loyal to the Communist party"?  Did he have such a list?  Were there 205 commies in the State Dept?  Were there 57?  Were there 81?  No, children, there weren't*.  And so, those were unsubstantiated charges. There were many other such accusations made by McCarthy: accusations that even a fabulist like Coulter couldn't substantiate.  So, if there are any awkward pauses after your children ask their teachers about Ann Coulter's claims, it's only because the teachers are embarrassed for your kids, and pity them for being forced to read such crappy material. Oh, and one more thing about Ann's "wonderful book": if even David Horowitz has trouble with it, then maybe it's not the kind of thing you should force weak-minded, suggestible conservative high school students to read.  And then Mike closes with: Enjoy the reading, my fellow capitalists! So, I guess he knows it's not the teens who will be reading the tomes on his list, but rather his fellow members of the He-Man Women and Commie Haters Club (I imagine that not that many of them actually have offspring).  But still, they can all leaf through the works of Ayn Rand and Ann Coulter and dream about being the manly hero of Invasion USA.   It's the next best thing to dreaming about being in a gladiator movie. *I've read the declassified Venona transcripts.  I've read classified intelligence community documents from the period.  And the truth is, yes, there were a few Communists in the State Dept back them.  There were a few more government employees whom the KGB was trying to recruit (or hoping to recruit, or thinking about recruiting -- that's what the Venona transmissions were actually about).  But no, there was never a Communist infiltration, like McCarthy claimed.  But thanks to McCarthy's demagoguery, false claims, and intimidation techniques -- and the backlash he inspired -- efforts against real KGB operations were greatly hampered.  Anyone in the counterintelligence community will tell you this.  Only kooks like Ann think that because it's now been "proven" that there actually were some Communist agents in America, then it means that McCarthy was a hero and a martyr.  And it's only wingnuts like Dr. Mike who believe people like Ann. 3:26:21 AM