Who Said It?
I have a headache and don't feel like doing anything substantive today. Thus, we present "Who Said It? All-Star Wanker edition." Hat tip to Bill S. for reminding me that I never announced the winners of our last contest.
So, our Mystery Guests and the commenters who first deduced their identities are:
4. Doug Giles - a point to Bill S, who described our Mystery Guest thusly: "#4 is the repressed homosexual minister with the lamest grasp of pop culture imaginable. He thinks Ross(the nerdy paleontologist of "Friends") is a metrosexual? He also said that about Clay Aiken too, I believe. Which suggests that he doesn't actually know what one is. I suggest he look in the mirror."
Bonus Question: It was Ukrainian President Yushchenko, as quoted by Dan Froomkin. Another point to Clif.
The first person to correctly name all of our guest in one comment was TonyB., who summed up the whole competition nicely with:
No. 1 is Ann Coulter, whose hobbies include making men better and cooking delicious meals, all while on her knees worshipping Jesus (but thinking about James Caviezel).
No. 2 is Peggy Noonan. And most of what she writes is No. 2 also.
No. 3 is from the good folks at PowerLine, who didn't really ever say what they said. No, really. The words are from, specifically, the guy formerly known as "Ass Rocket".
No. 4 is Doug Giles, whom I indentified by process of elimination. The other six quotes (including the bonus) were not related to Giles, and no collection of quotes by or about rancid idiots would be complete with overtly heterosexual Doug.
No. 5 is about former party animal Tom DeLay, who is now just an animal. Well, feral, at least. (The writer is Roland Watson, Washington reporter for The Times of London.)
No. 6 is by the man cited in No. 5 as the source of DeLay's conversion from dissolute to resolute, Christian divine St. James of Dobson. Jimmy the holy wants help being fishers of men when he says "fish or cut bait."
The Bonus Quote is from Ukrainian Presidnet Yuschenko, whose soul is clear but whose face is ravaged by poison, while speaking to President Bush, who is vice versa.
A point too, to Libby, who got them all except that she mistook Doug for Mel Gibson. And a bonus point to HeyDave for commenting, ".I think Libby should get points for Mel Gibson as it probably is Doug Giles fantasizing he's really Mel."
Congrats to all our winners! We encourage them to save their points, which someday they might be able to trade for such fun prizes as this one from Archie McPhee:
Pope Innocent III Action Figure
Introduce this Pope Innocent III Action Figure to your other figures and watch the spiritual sparks fly! Armed with his formidable power of excommunication and an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, this 6" tall, hard plastic model of the 176th Pope will soon have all your other action figures lining up for confession. Read the back of the illustrated blistercard and you'll find that Pope Innocent III was a good guy in all respects. He was a patron of the arts, cared about orphans, built a hospital and reunified the Papal States! Comes with removable fancy Pope hat.
Now, Who Said This?
1. From one of the many columns he authored yesterday:
Once again, Dems gave forth with hot air balloons at the yearly California convention. It was stale yammer yammer yammer with no inspiring agenda for proving anything, solving anything, challenging anyone.
When will the Dems learn how to practical make, realistic present and invigorating speak? Seemingly never.
Yeah, I suspect he's just playing with us now.
2. The following quote by our second Mystery Guest reminds me of this anecdote by Jack Handey:When I was in the third grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.
People are complicated. You can hit distracted people with all the propaganda in the world, you can give it to them every day in all your media, and sometimes they'll even tell pollsters they agree with you. But something is always going on in their chests. Some truth is known there; some yearning lives there. It's like they have a compass in their hearts and turn as they will, this way and that, it continues to point to true north.
We want a spiritual father. We want someone who stands for what is difficult and right, what is impossible but true.
And since Ronald Reagan can't be our spiritual father any more, I guess we'll have to make do with the new Pope.
(And speaking of columns about the former Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, we think this one by Townhall's Ross Mackenzie has the best title we've seen today: The new pope: A rottweiler or a good German shepherd?}
3. From our third Mystery Guest's column recounting his latest engagment with his new archenemy (it's a battle of wits by two our nation's most erudite college professors!)
“...to paraphrase George Constanda (sp?) from Seinfeld, "I am shaking in my boots, little Milky is going to write about me and Monmouth College in his 'nationally syndicated' column.”
I don’t mean to be rude but who the hell is “little Milkey?” And don’t get offended by this question but have you been smoking opium, Farhat?
“I will search out [Mystery Guest's] home institution student newspaper and see if I can get a letter printed there commenting on his performance at Monmouth College. BRING IT ON.”
So you’re going to pick a fight with a national columnist by writing a column for my student newspaper. I have a better idea. Why don’t you go “search out” a butter knife and pick a fight with someone wielding an Uzi? Good luck with that, Farhat (rhyme unintended).
Yes, a heroic battle worthy of immortalization by Homer (Simson).
4. This Mystery Guest is once again repeating her claim that reporters are "mentally retarded" -- and after everything they've done for her!
Of course, it's hard to know what anyone said in this country based on newspaper accounts. The actual statements people make are filtered through reporters, who, as we know, are generally unexecutable in this country under Atkins v. Virginia (holding the death penalty for mentally retarded persons unconstitutional).
Is the prosecutor a phony or the reporter a moron? In other words, is this a "Jeffrey Toobin situation" or a "Dan Rather situation"? We report, you decide.
Well, after seeing the way this pundit reports, I've already decided that it's the pundit who is both a phony and a moron.
5. This one is for D. Sidhe:
They called my reporting "hard-hitting," "a public service." I won 18 Emmys, and lots of other journalism awards. One year I got so many Emmys, another winner thanked me in his acceptance speech "for not having an entry in this category."
Then I did a terrible thing. Instead of just applying my skepticism to business, I applied it to government and "public interest" groups. This apparently violated a religious tenet of journalism. Suddenly I was no longer "objective."
This was an excerpt from his book, Pay Attention to Me, Dammit!: How I Used to Be the World's Best Investigative Reporter, But Now Nobody Likes Me.
6. From a recent speech to the hicks:
I don't know if you've ever heard of Dutch Fork High School in Irmo. I met a very innovative teacher who assigned her students this assignment: Why don't you write letters to the editor about their impressions of Social Security? Here's what one of her students wrote: "By the time my generation gets to the age to draw Social Security, there will be no money left for us to draw on." This is a young high school student writing that. This isn't a professor in economics. This is a high school student.
Wow, that was written by a high school student and not a professor in economics?!? I never would have guessed!
7. From a 2003 column (back before he hit the "big time":
Knowing that hurricane-like storms are part and parcel of real life and especially surrounding noble endeavors, we wouldn’t be the coldest beers in the fridge if we didn’t go to work on building our lives on a solid foundation with the best building materials we can possibly find.Stuff like [...} learning to decompress during times of intense pressure… by hanging out with those who love you or watching the Nutty Professor 57 times or taking a walk on the beach or catching monster sharks of the flats of South Florida while pretending they are your enemies as you jerk and jerk the hook deeper and deeper into the mouth while laughing like Joker who had just captured Batman and… uh… oh… I’m sorry… I kinda lost it there for a second.
3:47:52 AM
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