Law & Order: West Wing Unit
(Cross-posted at American Street)
As we learned from Wednesday’s episode of “Law & Order: Original Recipe Version,” Bernard Kerik was an even worse pick for the position of Secretary of Homeland Security than we thought . Yes, not only did he have mob connections, get kickbacks from city contractors, and use a donated apartment at Ground Zero for a love nest, but he also murdered Judith Regan and a porn star-turned-author (possibly Jenna Jameson)!
WASHINGTON, April 21 - President Bush on Thursday issued a strong new defense of John R. Bolton, his nominee as ambassador to the United Nations. But associates of Colin L. Powell, the former secretary of state, said he had expressed reservations about Mr. Bolton in conversations with at least two wavering Republican senators.The associates said Mr. Powell, in private telephone conversations, had made clear his concerns about Mr. Bolton on several fronts, including his harsh treatment of subordinates.
And then there’s this
WASHINGTON More allegations of mistreatment are surfacing about President Bush’s nominee for the U-S ambassador to the U-N.The former U-S ambassador to South Korea says John Bolton berated him for failing two years ago to arrange a meeting with the president-elect of South Korea. Thomas Hubbard, who served in Seoul during President Bush’s first term, says it was “undiplomatic behavior.”Bolton’s nomination has hit a roadblock in the Senate where Republican support has crumbled in the face of allegations that he abused his authority and mistreated subordinates.
So, I imagine that soon L&O will inform us that Mr. Bolton didn't just abuse subordinates, he actually MURDERED some subordinates (and then was probably blackmailed by the Russian mafia). Maybe it all comes to light after Bolton hits Karen Hughes in the head with a stapler during a televised meeting of the U.N. General Assembly.
Anyway, I have come up with a suggested script for this episode which I have ripped from the headlines (well, not the headlines so much as transcripts of Scottie McClellan’s White House press conferences).
Here’s the part where Scottie, the White House press secretary, is being questioned by the prosecution:
D.A. Jack McCoy: Now that Mr. Bolton is on trial for mass murder, assault, harassment, and intimidation by mustache, does the White House concede that he wasn’t really the best pick for the job of ambassador to the U.N.?
MR. McCLELLAN: No, absolutely not. I think what you’re seeing is some Democrats trumping up allegations and making unsubstantiated accusations against someone the President believes has done an outstanding job at the United Nations. He is someone who has been an effective manager; he is a strong diplomat who has gotten things done.
McCoy: Apparently the Grand Jury didn’t think these were trumped-up allegations, because they sent back an indictment — an indictment for MURDER!
MR. McCLELLAN: Let’s talk about what occurred here. Democrats continue to bring up these allegations that are unsubstantiated, that are unfounded, and that John Bolton has addressed in his testimony. I think what you’re seeing is the ugly side of Washington, D.C.
McCoy: Yes, murder is ugly, indeed. But the defendant has not specifically answered the allegations that have been raised under oath — not in some closet, but under oath, in front of the country!
Yes, scores of witnesses came forward to describe things that he had done as a manager that they believe render him unfit to continue at the United Nations, since he should be in jail for the rest of his life for having committed acts like ramming a letter opener into the brain stem of a secretary who told him his toupee didn’t look natural. And he hasn’t answered those allegations.
MR. McCLELLAN: Oh, I think he has responded to the questions. This is someone has a proven record of being able to get things done.
McCoy: Yeah, a proven record of being able to kill subordinates with office equipment!
Condi Rice: Objection, Your Honor! We move that the Democrats should stop playing politics and stop raising these unsubstantiated accusations!
McCoy: It’s not Democrats who are raising the accusations, it’s the people who worked for him. ... Well, the ones who survived.
Judge: Mr. McCoy, please rephrase your question. And Ms. Rice, please tell your colleague Mr. DeLay to stop threatening me while court is in session.
McCoy: So, Mr. McClellan, you claim that the witnesses who have testified about Mr. Bolton’s mistreatment of subordinates were lying?
MR. McCLELLAN: No, I’m suggesting that … well, sometimes, there is a desire in this town to score political points. And that brings out the worst in Washington, D.C.
McCoy: So, it’s the TOWN’s fault that Mr. Bolton is a murderer and a jerk?
Condi: I object! John Bolton is not on trial here!
McCoy: Yes, he is!
Judge: Just move it along, Mr. McCoy.
McCoy: Mr. McClellan, you’re saying that the victims in this case were just trying to score political points by getting killed by Mr. Bolton?
MR. McCLELLAN: John Bolton is exactly the kind of person we need at the United Nations. He gets things done. He has a proven record of getting things done. He is someone who has a long record of results in getting things done. And sometimes you get people mad at you when you get things done.
McCoy: [extreme sarcasm mode] So, it is your testimony that all seventeen of the witnesses against him (witnesses to include Colin Powell, George Tenet, Nancy Grace, and the dead Pope) were just making stuff up because they’re mad that he gets things done? Fine.
But with regard to those “unsubstantiated allegations” of his strangling senior intelligence analysts who disagreed with him, my understanding is that the allegations were substantiated by their superiors and their surviving coworkers, and have been corroborated by others. Heck, even Mr. Bolton himself concurs that something occurred, although he says that he has every right to kill underlings if he loses confidence in them. So I’m not quite sure what “unsubstantiated” means about that charge in particular.
MR. McCLELLAN: I’m not going to go and dignify these unsubstantiated accusations from this podium by responding to them.
McCoy: You HAVE to respond to them. That’s what you’re here for!
MR. McCLELLAN: Look, Mr. Bolton has been through this trial, he’s talked about these allegations, he’s been over them. And now is the time for the jury to move forward on finding him innocent so that he can get about doing the business that we have before the United Nations.
McCoy: But the prosecution hasn’t even finished presenting its case yet!
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I disagree. And John Bolton has been through all this and addressed these allegations. Democrats continue to play politics with his murder trial. That’s what this is about. It’s an ugly side of Washington, D.C., it’s an unfortunate side of Washington, D.C., but we’re confident that he will be exonerated. We believe he’s a very capable individual and will do an outstanding job at the United Nations, once he’s free on bail again. That charge of killing General Secretary Kofi was just, um, an unsubstantiated accusation, and we’re confident that the judge will release Mr. Bolton soon, so he can get back to getting things done.
Judge: This testimony is taking longer than anticipated. We are going to adjourn for today, and when we reconvene tomorrow, Mr. McCoy can resume questioning Mr. McClellan.
McCoy: Mr. McClellan, yesterday I asked you if you thought that the defendant was guilty of the charges against him, or if everyone else was lying. I’d like an answer. So, which is it?
MR. McCLELLAN: John Bolton has a long, distinguished career of getting things done.
McCoy: Yes, HE GETS THINGS DONE! But some of those eggs he broke to make his omelets were PEOPLE! Soylent Bolton is made from people!
Here, let me rephrase: Can we infer that the President simply doesn’t believe these allegations that have been made about Bolton, including the one from the woman who was an associate of Bolton? She claims he chased her around the hotel, was verbally abusive to her, threw a tape dispenser at her, and beaned her with an ash tray. Does the President simply not believe the allegations that are out there, or does he feel that whether they’re true or not, it’s so important to have Bolton at the U.N. that he should be confirmed anyway?
MR. McCLELLAN: These are unsubstantiated accusations that court Democrats continue to bring up.
McCoy: Answer the question, damn you! The President simply does not believe the allegations, or he just doesn’t care how many staffers Bolton kills?
MR. McCLELLAN: Mr. McCoy, these are unsubstantiated accusations against John Bolton. John Bolton is a strong, effective diplomat who has a proven record of getting things done. John Bolton is someone who has a long record of getting things done, and sometimes that’s going to make people mad when you are someone who gets things done.
McCoy: I swear, if you say that one more time, I am going to slap you!
Condi: Objection! Judge, the D.A. can’t threaten witnesses! Can he? I mean, I’m not that great of an attorney, but I don’t think he can.
Judge: Sorry, I zoned out — the witness is the most redundant guy it’s ever been my misfortune to encounter! So, who knows whether or not McCoy threatened him, and who cares — let’s just wrap this up, okay?
McCoy: Mr. McClellan, you say John Bolton gets things done, and yet, some U.S. officials are expressing today that they believe part of the reason why North Korea walked away from the six-party talks was, in some part, due to the strong language that John Bolton used in his speech in 2003 when he described North Korea as a “hellish nightmare.” Given that, don’t you think it’s possible that he killed the North Korean Prime Minister, as has been alleged?
MR. McCLELLAN: I disagree with that view, first of all. And second of all, as I stated, we’re confident that Bolton is going to be found not guilty, and will be returned to the United Nations, because it’s not like anybody really cares about North Korea.
McCoy: Oh, we care, Mr. McClellan; we care because they have weapons of mass destruction!
MR. McCLELLAN: No, that’s just the story we’ll use to justify dropping atomic bombs on them — Ann Coulter came up with the plan!
McCoy: You’re nuts! You’re all nuts!
MR. McCLELLAN: Accusations of this sort are unsubstantiated. This is the ugly side of Washington, D.C. And let me remind you, John Bolton has a record of getting things done!
Judge: Get your hands off of the witness, Mr. McCoy. He’s driving me crazy too, therefore I’m going to jail him for contempt until he can give a straight answer. I don’t anticipate seeing him any time soon.
So, call your next witness.
McCoy: I call President George W. Bush to the stand.
[The judge, jury, and spectators all groan. Serena says, “Is it because I’m a lesbian?” D.A. Arthur Branch shoots her.]
The End.
8:54:59 AM
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