April 23, 2005 by s.z.

Answers for "Who Said It?"

We don't want to keep you in suspense, so here are the identities of our Mystery Guests from Thursday, and the commenters who first correctly identified them

1.  Pastor Swank - a point to  Brad R.   A point also to Chari for coming up with his mob nickname, "Pastor 'Yoda' Swank."

2.  Peggy Noonan -  a point to D. Sidhe.

3. Professor Mike Adams, PhD - a point to Rob.

4. Ann Coulter  (In a column in which she claims that nobody ever told her when the guys who almost killed her with pie were being tried, so either the reporter was a retard or the D.A was lying he said she was informed about this.  Hey, maybe John Cloud could look this up on Google and resolve it for us.)  

Another point to D. Sidhe.  Also, a point to Anntichrist S. Coulter for "St. Ann Of The Codpiece and her Detachable Penis, Jose'."

5.  John Stossel - a point to Dave.

6.  George W. Bush - a point to Clif.

7.  Doug Giles (from the cached stash of forbidden ClashPoints that Doug doesn't want you to know about) - a point to Nutthuis.

It took a while for anyone to correctly identify all of our Mystery Guests in one comment.  Nutthuis and dancinfool came close, but mistook Ann for one of her many competitors. 

But eventually Singularity came through with this winning entry: 

Having Googled with the best of them, I feel confident in my choices:
1) The Rev. Swank (Ironic that he shares a name with a porn magazine... or is it?
2) Peggy Noonan (Sorry, Peggy Noonan Reagan Ratzinger)
3) Mike Adams (in a semi-coherent follow-up to his earlier semi-coherent Monmouth College piece)
4)Ann the Man Coulter (And why isn't she publicly protesting her WND photo?)
5)John Stossel (Geraldo without the integrity)
6)President George W. Bush (Who is constantly delighted to learn new things from children)
7)Doug Giles (I honestly believe more liberals read Doug than conservatives. The humor value for us far outweighs anything worthwhile they could be getting from him.)

Congratulations to all our winners!  And winners, save your points, because when you get a million or so you can trade them for cool prizes such as these:

 

 

Talking Bible Dolls are lovable, huggable dolls that talk!

 

A great NEW toy for any child. Each Jesus or Moses doll gives actual scripture verses to introduce children of all ages to the wisdom of the Bible.

These 12 inch dolls are easily activated by squeezing their red hearts. Send a loved one more than just a toy send them a gift that will help shape their future.

Well, they don't recite ACTUAL scripture verses, as you will learn if you play the sound links.  Here are a couple to try out:

Verse 1 : "I LOVE you, and I have an EXCITING PLAN for your life!"

 

Verse 4 : "Your life matters SO MUCH to me!"

Plus, if you play the links you will learn that Jesus sounds so overly-enthusiastic and creepily cheery that you may want to do things to him.  Bad things.  Maybe rip his little heart right off of his arm.

 

Or maybe it's just us that gets those impulses.  But we blame them on the fact that Talking Bible Dolls look like the voodoo dolls Mike and the 'bots used in the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version of Zombie Nightmare.  (Thinking of talking voodoo Jesus dolls has probably already damned our soul to hell.)

 

But back to the lovable, huggable Moses: in comparison with talking Jesus, Moses comes across as a more low-key, less annoying kind of guy -- but even he isn't giving the tots the actual ten commandments.  For instance, check out:

The 10th Commandment: "Do not take your neighbors' possessions."

And since we already learned that the 6th commandment covers this kind of thing ("You must not steal"), I guess this is meant to show that God is a redundant God.

 

So, get these talking dolls for loved ones whose future you want to shape (as in "subtly warp").

 

 

A hat tip to Yosef, who suggested that we give out the talking Jesus and Moses dolls pictured below as prizes, but heck, they cost $25 each, and you guys just aren't worth that much.  But if you want to, you could buy both sets of dolls for your loved ones -- just think of the  cool "Jesus Vs. Jesus" and "Moses Vs. Moses" wrestling matches they could stage.)

 

 

 

 

Now, who said this?

 

In no other country have I come across this — and it is not merely a function of my extreme old age. Ask around: Alarmism is the American way of birth. Pregnant French women sip wine with their meals, expectant Japanese eat sushi for the full nine months; American women daren’t even risk a second cup of coffee, for fear of something awful transpiring within. (You know why? Because of a study that found that pregnant laboratory rats given huge doses of caffeine had offspring with toes missing. Large studies of actual women have come up with, ahem, zero risk of toelessness.)

So, if drinking coffee doesn't cause babies to be born without toes, then it must be perfectly okay for expectant mothers to drink whole pitchers of gin-and-tonic every night.  In fact, it's probably good for the kid, since it teaches him or her to not be so damned P.C.  Anyway, that's her story, and she's sticking to it.. 

 

And no, this isn't John Stossel again.

 

5:28:35 AM