March 23, 2005 by s.z.

Yesterday's Wingnut David E. points us to (and suggests some some snarky responses to ) this NY Times Magazine piece about old friend JimJeff GuckertGannon, who's apparently still semi-newsworthy.  In the interview JimJeff shares his hopes. dreams, and visage with Deborah Solomon (who apparently didn't get the same offer of "a bit of the old Jeff Gannon to relieve some of that pent up whatever" that he made to the NYT's Maureen Dowd).  Anyway, let's look at some of Jeff's answers, and try to translate them into non b.s. Q:Should I call you Jim Guckert or Jeff Gannon? My Amex card still comes in the name of James Guckert, but I want to be called Jeff Gannon. That is who I am. Translation: "James Guckert may get bills in his name, but I am really Jeff Gannon, the super-suave journalist/CIA agent who is a sex machine with all the, um, chicks." Scott McClellan, the press secretary to President Bush, called on you and allowed you to ask questions on a nearly daily basis. What, exactly, is your relationship with him? I was just another guy in the press room. Did I try to curry favor with him? Sure. When he got married, I left a wedding card for him in the press office. People are saying this proves there is some link. But as Einstein said, "Sometimes a wedding card is just a wedding card.'' You mean like "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar''? That wasn't Einstein. That was Freud. Oh, Freud. O.K. I got my old Jewish men confused. You should learn the difference between them if you want to work in journalism. I'd like to get back into journalism. I'm hoping someone will offer me a job as a commentator or one of those political analysts that you see on the news shows all the time. Translation: "Sure, I wanted to curry favor (if you know what I mean) with Scottie, but he broke my heart by getting married.  Oh, and there was nothing phallic about my wedding card, despite what your Dr. Einstein might insinuate. Oh, and my dream is to get hired as a political analyst for Fox News or MSNBC, because those guys don't have to have any knowledge of irrelevant stuff like the difference between Einstein and Freud.  And as somebody (I think it was another old Jewish guy) said, "politics makes strange bedfellows," meaning that if you are good in bed, that's all you need to be a TV political analyst.  Anyway, the job is good enough for Dick Morris, who was so feared by the Left that they had to destroy him by spreading stories about him sucking the toes of hookers, so it's good enough for me."  What are we supposed to make of the fact that before reporting for Talon News, you had never had a job in journalism and apparently earned your living running a gay escort service? Don't let that confuse the issue. We have driven so many good people from public service through the politics of personal destruction. People on the left who disagreed with me decided that I needed to be punished by any means necessary. Translation: "If people with no background or experience are held up to public ridicule just because they earned their living through prostitution, then there will be no good people left in public service.  So, sure, I ran an escort service, but it's the fault of those on the left who disagreed with me." How did you get your job at Talon News? I had submitted some opinion pieces to Gopusa. I believe they were picking up wire feeds, and Bobby Eberle wanted to supplement that with original reporting. He came to Washington for some business, and he called me. It was a breakfast meeting. Translation: "Even if Bobby and I were seen having breakfast together back in early 2003 when he was in Washington, it doesn't necessarily mean that we spent the night together -- and besides, even if he did come to D.C for some "business" that only the Bulldog could provide, that could have nothing to do with why he hired me for Talon News, which didn't exist yet." Were you paid for your pieces? Yes. I received a kind of stipend. Translation:  "Yes a 'kind of stipend' probably means what you think it means." I assume Eberle fired you after you asked that now-famous question of President Bush at a press conference in January, suggesting that Democrats had "divorced themselves from reality.'' I wasn't fired. I resigned. I made the decision by myself after I learned that my family had received threatening phone calls. I decided this is what had to be done to try to make that stop. What do you mean by your family? My mother. She is 72. I am a big boy. I can take this. But it's so hard on my mother. She has to reconcile all of these things, and it's difficult. Translation: "Somebody called up my frail, old mother (who thinks I am straight, btw), and asked her if was White House reporter Jeff Gannon.  I couldn't allow her to be threatened that way.  And my decision to resign had nothing to do with the naked photos of sexy military stud-for-hire Jeff/Bulldog that were publicized that day -- but they were why Bobby Eberle accepted my resignation with such alacrity.." Do you find it hard to be a gay conservative in this country in light of the right-wing hostility to gay rights? I prefer that to be a private issue. I am more interested in national defense, taxation and immigration than in personal issues. I would like people's personal lives to be behind the barrier once again, like they used to be. Translation: "I'm not saying that I'm gay, and I'm not saying that the right-wing is hostile to gays, but if I were gay, I would be one of the self-loathing kind.  Hey, look over there--it's some taxation issues that don't contain any gays.  Let's talk about them!" Still, it seems fair to ask about your position on gay marriage. My position is that I can't imagine that gay marriage would be something that I would be interested in in the first place. I actually like being alone. I have decided that is how I want to live. I have a dog named Winston. I am still the same to Winston, no matter what, and there is comfort in that. Winston doesn't watch the news. Translation: "Winston doesn't watch the news, so he doesn't know or care what Rick Santorum said about our kind of love, and about how slipperly the gay-marriage slope would have to be for Winston and I to be allowed to wed." But for those of us who do watch the news, are you interested in defending one's right to pose in the buff, as photographs on the Internet indicate you have done? We do have tremendous freedoms in this country, and one of the drawbacks of that is that people are free to take images of me and manipulate them however they want. At some point in the future, everyone is going to have a picture on the Internet that they are unhappy about. Translation: "My frail old, mother (whom I told you about before) believes that those pictures were created by my enemies, who used Photoshop to put my face on somebody else's body.  Do you want to be the one to tell her this isn't the case, and break her heart?  She's old, you know, and the shock could kill her.   And anyway, I too know how to use Photoshop, and soon everyone who disses me will have a picture on the Internet to be unhappy about.   Now, when do I get my Fox News political analyst job? " 6:56:06 AM

If Terri Dies, It's Jeb's Fault That's the new meme that the wingnuts who are "supporting" Terri Schiavo are spreading lately.  For example, Rev. Patrick Mahoney of the "ultra religious anti-abortion protest group," the Christian Defense Coaltion, said that his group would "make one more passionate effort with (Florida Governor) Jeb Bush... to consider all executive options available to him."  Since Rev. Mahoney is the guy who said that naming Arlen Specter to head the Senate Judiciary Committee would be "a slap in the face and betrayal to the millions of pro-life/pro-family Americans who worked so hard to elect President Bush and Republican members of Congress," I imagine that his "passionate effort" to persude Jeb to use his executive options  to counter the judiciary's power would involve some remarks about how it was a nice political career that the governor had going for him, and how it would be a shame if got ruined because some pro-life/pro-family Americans happened to feel like he wasn't part of the family anymore. Oh, and here are the official wingnut marching orders from www.helpterri.com (which is actually a page at RightMarch.com authored by our friends Randall Terry and William Greene): We will have an around the clock vigil at Governor Bush's mansion, urging him to use his executive powers to take Terri into custody. As the governor, he swore an oath to uphold the Florida Constitution, which guarantees the right to life of disabled people. He has been told by many lawyers and legal scholars that he has the right, authority, and the duty to use his power to save her. The question is whether or not he has the will to do so. Taking Terri "into custody" sounds like they want him to throw her into jail or something.  (You know, to keep her safe from her husband and all of the judges who want to murder her.)  But it also sounds manly and macho, and like the kind of thing that Jesus would do, if He had ever gotten Pontius Pilate's job. Oh, and one of the "legal scholars" who says that Jeb has the right and authority to seize Terri is presumably Alan Keyes.  Here's part of today's lead Renew America item: RenewAmerica alert! Let's not forget: Terri is being executed by authority of Jeb Bush The shocking governmental homicide of Terri Schiavo has many dimensions, twists, and turns--all of which, upon analysis, converge on one inescapable reality: The life of Terri Schiavo is solely in the hands of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush. A life solely in the hands of Jeb?  Isn't Alan forgetting, oh, maybe, God? Any delegating of executive authority to the other branches will not only fail to save Terri, it appears--because the courts pretend to reign supreme, at the expense of true equilibrium between the branches--but it amounts to passing the authoritative buck. The result will be not only the unconscionable death of an innocent woman whose execution cannot be justified on the basis of the facts, let alone on moral grounds, but the executive power will be shown to be what it has willfully become: impotent. Hear that Jeb (and George): if Terri dies, then it proves that you both have limp dicks! Not only that, but if Terri dies, the executive authority in Florida will be directly complicit. No other entity in the state has authority to kill Terri. The courts can't do it. Nor can the legislature do anything directly about it. Only the executive can actually put people to death, under constitution-based law. Nobody is allowed to die in Florida without Jeb Bush's express consent. Gov. Bush, put a stop to this travesty right now, for the sake of all that our nation stands for, in the interest of meriting God's merciful protection of our country in the years ahead. If you "allow" Terri to die, you will indeed be her chief executioner. Poor Jeb: he has to declare himself supreme dicator of Florida, seize Terri from her hospice, and care for her in his basement, or else he's reponsible for executing the woman.  (And thereby becomes responsible for ticking off God, who may once again send tsunamis to kill innocent brown people on the other side of the world to show His displeasure with our country.)  Neither course of action is going to help Jeb's presidential prospects. And here's a press release from one James Pinto (who is part of the Catholic anti-abortion group "Priests for Life").  It's about a new group called  the "11th Hour Coaltion to Save Terri's Life", and its plan to hold press conferences to urge both Jeb and George to basically send in the National Guard to carry Terri to safety: Coalition Calls Upon Bush to Save Schiavo's Life by Using Police Powers [...] This ad hoc partnership of religious and political organizations-which will gather in front of the White House and the Florida governor's mansion-will call on President George W. Bush and Gov. Jeb Bush to use their Executive powers to protect Terri Schiavo from starvation. "The concurrent nature of Terri's struggle and Holy Week cannot be ignored." Yeah, like Tom DeLay said, "One thing that God has brought to us is Terri Schiavo, to help elevate the visibility of what is going on in America."  And presumably the reason He brought us Terry's struggle now is because it would elevate the concern about the attacks on Tom DeLay's ethics, which were happening concurrently during Holy Week.  None of this can be a coincidence!  "In both cases [Pinto is referring to the cases of Terri and Jesus -- although in his remarks, Tom was referring to the cases of Terri and Tom, which means that Tom too is basically like Jesus], you have the innocent being put to death in gruesome, painful ways because of the arrogance, dishonesty and/or silence of man," stated James Pinto, founder of the Sanctity of Human Life Apostolate. "Christ said from the Cross, 'I thirst,' and in Terri's face we see that same request echoed again, that she, too, thirsts. President Bush and Gov. Bush, you must do everything in your power to save Terri's life." Well, as far as I know, we haven't actually seen Terri's face since the feeding tube was removed.  But I do like how Pinto is pretty much calling upon the Bush brothers to use their executive powers to save Jesus. Here's more about the 11th Hour Coaltion's plan to get Jeb and George to save Terri -- it's from a press release issued by Joe Giganti (who is, per his Renew America bio, "a recognized voice of conservative values for his generation): There are two people in the United States who can save Terri Schiavo's life right now. The president of the United States and the governor of Florida have the authority to use the police services at their disposal to take Terri into protective custody, restore her food and hydration, and arrest anyone who would interfere," said Dr. Paul Schenck, executive director of the National Pro-Life Action Center on Capitol Hill. "For the sake of Terri's life, we cannot afford to wait while the courts dither over jurisdiction." Yes, if Jeb and George were real men, they would declare martial law, use the Army to fight off the judicial branch, and save Terri.  Anything less and they show that they don't deserve the support of the wingnut Americans who put them into office. 4:45:22 AM

Another NewsMax Ad That Liberals Don't Want You to See!   Um, I did a survey, and it turns out that the crazy left-wing liberals don't care if you go to Jason Juliano's website.  If fact, nothing would make them happier that seeing NewsMax readers purchase Jason's complete “High Profit Real Estate Investing System & Toolkit.”  So, go for it, guys, and make some crazy left-wing liberal's day. But here's what Jason claims: Dear Friend, The crazed left-wing "tree hugging" liberals don't want you to be rich!  They want you to believe that if you make a buck, some else loses.  If making money offends you, then stop reading right now - because that's what this free course is about. Frankly, I'm not one of those "money is the root of all evil" liberals.  I'm not a Birkenstock wearing hippy that lives in a grass hut.  I think money is important in life.  It's what feeds your family, puts a roof over your head, and money is also what buys you luxuries and freedom in life!  Why am I telling you all this?  Because I specialize in making ordinary people, extraordinarily wealthy.  Well, Jason specializes in telling ordinary people that he can make them extraordinarily wealthy, but I haven't seen any indication that anybody is getting rich except Jason (and I have my doubts about whether his various hustering schemes pay as well as what he claims).  And the cool thing is that Jason has a scam for everybody: a Google search reveals that Jason is not only a real estate marketing expert, but also an "internationally recognized marketing consultant" in the limo business, the car wash business, and the musician business.  Oh, and he's also an "info-entrepreneur," and a rich and successful professional magician. Plus, he's endorsed by Matt Furey, the guy who offers to teach NewsMax readers the lost secrets of W.W.II hand-to-hand combat.  Here's part of Matt's plug for Jason and psycho cybernetics: Dear Friend, Last weekend, when I was in Phoenix, I met up with a college student named Jason Juliano, whom I have not seen since last December. Jason, I should point out, has always been 20 years old going on 11. I mean, if you ever saw him you wouldn't think of him as a college student. That much is for sure. And because of this, he's always been the 'butt' of jokes - some of which come right from the person speaking on stage. The person on stage would be Matt, presumably. But this time when Matt ribbed Jason, things were different. Jason looked different. His face was different. His expressions were more confident. His eyes were still focused, but were also relaxed and at ease - something I couldn't say of him before. Matt went to bed that night, thinking about Jason (and not just because Matt looks eleven).  Anyway, Matt finally figured out what had changed -- Jason had taken a "Zero Resistance Living" course, and now he's self-confident and stuff. Incidentally, just as an aside, while attending college in upstate New York, Jason is making $10,000.00 per month, writing and selling his own courses to niche markets. What do you think of that? I think of a famous dictum by P.T. Barnum. If you ask me, that's what I call AMBITION. The guy has the edge because of the images he allows into his mind. [...] Best,  Thanks, Matt. Oh, and here's a photo of Jason doing a magic trick which seems to lend credence to Matt's claim that Jason was often the butt of jokes:   So, let me repeat my previous claim: NewsMax readers, liberals don't care a bit if you visit Jason's site.  In fact, they dare you to!  And they hope that you will sign up for Jason's investing system, because there's nothing they enjoy more than thinking of you getting swindled by Doogie Howser the Magician.  (Oh, and Hillary Clinton gets moist when she thinks about you giving Jason your money -- so do it for her, NewsMax readers.)  UPDATE:  I see that Brad, who is filling in at Sadly,No! some more while Seb continues to teach Karen Hughes everything he knows, got to this story a couple of hours before I did.  While his take on Jason's scheme is amusing enough, it lacks any photos of Jason doing the magic scarf trick.  So, read it at your own peril. 1:52:14 AM