September 17, 2005 by s.z.

Upholding a Family Tradition  Today's papers are reporting that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's son arrested. AUSTIN, Texas - The youngest son of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials said. John Ellis Bush, 21, was arrested by agents of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission at 2:30 a.m. on a corner of Austin’s Sixth Street bar district, said commission spokesman Roger Wade. The nephew of President Bush was released on $2,500 bond for the resisting arrest charge, and on a personal recognizance bond for the public intoxication charge, officials said. Well, at least this time Jebby presumably had his clothes on, and wasn't caught doing the nasty with an under-aged girl. And at least he didn't break into the house of his former girlfriend in the middle of the night, argue with her father, and then come back to tear up the lawn in a fit of rage, like his brother George. And at least he didn't call Walgreens and say that he was "Dr. Noelle Scidmore" in an attempt to score some Xanax, like his sister Noelle. Okay, okay, as no doubt Grandma Bar will remind everyone, he's hardly the black sheep of the family, because at least he didn't order the invasion of Iraq under a false causa belli. 4:59:19 AM

It's On the Move! The Dr. Laura one-woman show that we told you about previously has left Santa Barbara, and (much like how the Killer Shrews escaped from the lab and soon took over the whole island) is heading north next week.  Here's part of an interview Dr. Laura gave to the Walnut Creek paper. In her new show, "Dr. Laura: In My Never to be Humble Opinion," the relationship-and-family values talk show host reveals a side of herself that the public seldom hears. [...] "People know my opinion but not my life," she said from her home in Southern California. "They don't know what I've gone through, my transition, my bout with anorexia, that my husband went into sudden death and almost died or that we had to go through all our pockets for a meal." I'm guessing that her "transition" was menopause -- but I don't know why we'd want to know about it. And I'd make a joke about how Dr. Laura's bout of anorexia was nothing compared to her mother's, but that would be in poor taste. However, I had no idea that her husband nearly died of sudden death -- I'm guessing that this may have been caused by them going through their pockets for a meal. (Kids, remember that coins, combs, condoms, and buttons are NOT edible, although lint, lipstick, and old cough drops can be eaten if you're really desperate, as Dr. Laura apparently was.) "Dr. Laura" will be playing at the Hofmann Theatre on Sept. 19-20 at the Dean Lesher Regional Center for the Arts in Walnut Creek But be wary, tickets are almost sold out. Yeah, be VERY wary, because it's possible you still might be trapped into watching it. As she speaks from her home, Dr. Laura invites the public to an insight of her life. Here's the excerpted version: How did the idea for the show come about? People always want to know more about me. Personally, after seeing those nude photos, I already know WAY more about her than I want. Do you find you're misunderstood? Yes. People hate me or think I'm mean, Imagine that!  but they're being defensive regarding the things I talk about. In their hearts they know they're not doing right and it's easier to attack me than face it. Yes, we just think she's mean because we're irresponsible, whiny, lazy, slutty, failures, and can't face up to the fact that we're unfit parents, moral degenerates, and terrible people whom God hates. But your listeners know your views. Some of the things you touch on, such as homosexuality, angers people. My dearest friends are gay and that's what I have to say on that subject. It's nice that she is so close to people whom she considers to be "biological errors" and "defective.".  However, I wonder if the errors consider her to be their dearest friend in return. And we are joined at the hip. That was a propaganda and a way to shut down any form of gay audience. Being joined at the hip with Dr. Laura is one of the circles of hell that Dante considered too horrible to write about.  The show is about you. Doesn't the public already know you? People who have misconceptions about me will leave the show with their jaws dropped. Yes, if you have the misconception that she's just basically just Dr. Phil with more hair and a less noticeable mustache, your jaw will drop in astonishment when you see just how appalling she really is. So people don't really know what you went through to get to this point? [...] People think I have this celebrity mentality and that I haven't gone through life's crap like everybody else. I don't think of myself as a celebrity. As a liberal once said, I'm America's mommy. And I think that explains why America is so screwed up. What makes you tick? A ferocious desire. If you've seen the nude photos, then at this point you will be kind of grossed out. I take huge risks in order to help someone. Sometimes a mommy has to slap you or shut you, and that's why I've survived for 30 years on the radio. Yes, Dr. Laura is America's Mommie Dearest, who sometimes has to slap us to get us to stop using wire hangers. What's next for you? I don't know. There are ventures in front of me, but they haven't revealed themselves yet. Yeah, if I were a venture, I'd try to hide from her too.  Anyway, Dr. Laura is doing everything she can to plug her production, including appearing on Scarborough Country.  Here's part of what she told Joe Scar. SCARBOROUGH:  Do you have a relationship with God right now?  SCHLESSINGER:  No.  And it‘s one of the saddest things in my life that I don‘t have a relationship with God right now.   Well, since she has broken up with God (and He reportedly filed a restraining order against her), it's good that she has those dear gay friends to hang out with, because otherwise she'd be really pathetic. SCARBOROUGH:  So what is it like to be you?   SCHLESSINGER:  [....]  My life is what a salmon must feel like.  They are always going upstream, again the current. Actually, they only go upstream to spawn ... and when you add that thought to the comment about her "ferocious desire" AND the naked photos, it can serve as a natural appetite suppressant. SCARBOROUGH:  Do you hope that this play helps sort of round out your personality and people see remarkable moments like they are seeing tonight?  SCHLESSINGER:  Yeah.  One of the reasons I wanted to do it.  There are probably more internet hate sites about me than Charles Manson.  In fact, I don‘t think there are any hate sites about Charles Manson, but if you call up my name on one of these things, you will find hundreds of thousands of just demeaning, hateful, hostile, ugly things about me, I am shocked, SHOCKED to learn this!  and I walk around sometimes in circles trying to think, gee, I am trying to help people lead better lives.  Why does that engender so much hate?  So, I have had to come to peace with there are forces that are against goodness, and what I think is basic common sense truth.  Yes, people just say mean things about Dr. Laura because they are against goodness and truth.  Oh, and because they're jealous of her. So, a lot of this is what I am going to be talking about in this one-woman show.  People are going to know what it‘s like to be me by the time they leave in two hours and 15 minutes for a bathroom break.   Yes, by the time they get a bathroom break, people are going to believe that she actually IS nicer than Charles Manson.  And because of this one-woman show,  Dr. Laura is going to replace Katie Couric as America's sweetheart. (Oh, and although cards are passed out to the audience before the intermission, there's no truth to the rumor that they have to use them to write notes to Condi Rice, asking her if it's possible that they think they need a bathroom break.) 4:37:10 AM