High Culture
Bill uses his Talking Points Memo to berate "85-year-old CBS commentator" Andy Rooney for saying that he doesn't understand why everybody got so upset about Janet Jackson's breast. Now we respect Mr. Rooney's opinion, even though he won't talk with us. But "Talking Points" believes the man is completely out of touch with the folks. And so is the elite media in general. [snip] The reason the culture is in such trouble is that elites like Rooney, network news in general, liberal pundits and cowardly politicians have all failed to make judgments about obvious bad behavior encouraged by the media. So we have now as a culture that drowns children with sex and violence and a society that largely looks the other way. The culture war in America should be a primary issue in the upcoming presidential campaign. The federal government's mandate is to protect Americans from harm. Surely, what kids are exposed to in the media today is largely harmful. President Bush and Senator Kerry can promise you stuff all day long, but if they are not engaged on the culture war, they're doing you a disservice. In my newspaper column this week, I make the point that this isn't about sin or body parts, Andy. This is about a culture that encourages Americans to be irresponsible and libertine. And if an American buys into that, he or she will have a very hard time making a decent living.
See, Bill is just looking out for you, not judging you. He has done extensive research, and found that libertines rarely make more than minimum wage. Thus, the goverment is failing you by not instituting a series of PSAs reminding you to "Just Say No to the Bare Booby Culture." A tattoo on your neck is not going to get you a white-collar job. Thus in 10 years, kids who are now embracing piercings, gang signs, and obscene language are going to be at a tremendous disadvantage. Life is tough even for those who figure it out. Those who buy into the cesspool that is popular culture today are going to be really sorry.
Of course, Janet Jackson doesn't have a tattoo on her her neck, isn't involved with gang signs, and hasn't used any obscene language that I'm aware of, so it's kind of hard to see what point Bill is trying to make here -- perhaps it's just that Andy Rooney is an irresponsible, senile libertine, and his "60 Minutes" gig should belong to Bill.
No matter. Let's move on to "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day." The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day Tuseday morning, your humble correspondent -- that's me -- will appear on "Good Morning America" at 7:30 a.m. -- ugh -- because my novel, "Those Who Trespass," is being re-released tomorrow. That's the book Mel Gibson has optioned for the movies. It's an R-rated thriller, not for children, not for adults who find strong situations objectionable. The book accurately reflects what goes on inside the television news industry and inside the New York City Police Department.
Hmm, on the same day that Bill castigates the culture for not getting properly indignant about a breast, he hawks the re-release of his notorious novel featuring lines like, "Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly." I think that means that Those Who Trespass must be today's . . .
World O'Crap Bookclub Selection:  Those Who Trespass : A Novel of Television and Murderby Bill O'Reilly (Author)One by one, high-level executives and correspondents are being murdered. Soon it becomes clear that the killings are linked, the work of a bitter former newsman exacting revenge on those who derailed his career. Tommy O'Malley, a tough but warmhearted New York City detective, is assigned to crack the widening, high-profile murder cases, but encounters competition from a beautiful and tenacious tabloid reporter, Ashley Van Buren. As the story unfolds, Tommy and Ashley quickly discover they've got much more in common than a knack for solving crimes. Those Who Trespass combines suspense, action, psychodrama, and romance with a fascinating glimpse into the harsh realities behind the delivery of our daily dose of television news-a picture only Bill O'Reilly could bring to life.
All the people in Bill's "no-holds-barred world of TV news" are phony, corrupt, selfish, beer-bellied jerks, so I guess writing this novel was his way of revenging himself on those who derailed HIS career (Bill being too chicken to actually carry out a murder spree). And of course "Tommy O'Malley," the "tough but warmhearted" NY cop, is a stand-in for Billy O'Reilly, the tough but warmhearted news personality who looks out for everybody. "Ashley Van Buren" is the stand-in for a female coworker whom Bill had a crush on -- I'd guess Greta Van Susteran, based on the similarity of names, but she seems too smart to be Bill's type.
Amazon has a sample chapter of Those Who Trespass available for browsing. And since this is the kind of edifying material in which we should be immersing ourselves intead of that culture crap (and it's presumably spiritual too, since Mel "Jesus' Savior" Gibson has optioned it for a movie), I thought we'd spend the rest of our time examining the sample pages. (Note: I have cleaned it up a bit, because some parts would otherwise encourage you to be irresponsible and libertine, and then you'd never get that high-paying job as programmer for Cinemax.)
The story starts with big jerk Ron Costello (Mike Wallace) being angry and bitter because he has to be on Martha's Vineyard covering the Clintons. He goes to a party to get laid. He has an obvious erection, but nobody notices but the stalker (Bill O'Reilly). He tries to hit on a comely camerawoman by saying he has some "pretty good weed" in his hotel room, but she virtuously refuses his advances.
Costello's night was ruined, and he was royally pissed off. 'Godamn bitch. She'll be sorry. Goddamn Clinton and his stupid family. What the f--- am I doing here.' With those black thoughts ricocheting around his brain, Costello drained his beer, said a few insecure goodbyes, and headed for his hotel room.
While the stalker follows Costello to his hotel, the omniscient narrator takes gratutious shots at Ted Kennedy and John Belushi. The stalker slips an iced tea spoon in his jacket. In the last moments of his life, Ron Costello did the following: flicked on the TV, stripped off his clothes, urinated, and donned a bathrobe with a blue crest on the chest pocket. Then he heard the knock. 'What the f---' Costello thought. 'It's almost midnight.' "Mr. Costello, this is the night manager. We have a hand-delivered message from a young woman for you. I thought it might be important." Ron Costello's eyes lit up. 'Maybe the little bitch has come to her senses!.
But it wasn't the little bitch, it was the stalker! Costello opened the door and immediately felt excruciating pain. 'This is absurd,' he thought. 'This can't be happening.' He was Ron Costello, CNN's chief White House Correspondent. Costello tasted the salty flavor of blood running into his throat. He gagged, struggling to speak. Finally the corespondent's last words on Earth left his mouth: "Why, why are you doing this to me?" The intruder responded by savagely grabbing Ron Costello's windpipe with his left hand and squeezing hard. Costello gasped, his mouth opening wide, blood trickling down his chin. The assailant's right hand, now holding the oval base of the spoon, rocketed upward, jamming the stainless steel stem through the roof of Ron Costello's mouth. The soft tissue gave way quickly and the steel penetrated the correspondent's brain stem. Ron Costello was clinically dead in four seconds. Finally came the response the White House correspondent had asked for: "For Argentina, that's why."
Kids, please don't kill your enemies with iced tea spoons, even if it IS "for Argentina, that's why." Such actions would be irresponsible, and might hold you back from management positions, much like tattoos and gang signs do.
But if you don't know what to get that special someone for Valentine's Day, how about a personalized copy of Those Who Trespass? A bargain at only $34.95. For extra romance, have Bill sign it as "Tommy O'Malley."
3:16:48 AM | 
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