January 4, 2004 by s.z.

Anybody Want to Produce? Jonah gives Joe Lieberman this touching tribute to sustain his spirits in defeat: WHAT A NICE GUY [Jonah Goldberg] When it comes to Democrats -- or politicians generally -- Joe Lieberman has to rank pretty high in terms of people you'd let babysit your kids. Posted at 09:18 PM You know, while I would trust Joe not to sell my imaginary kids for drugs or anything like that, I don't think I'd want him to babysit, because I fear he'd refuse to let them watch cartoons, eat sugary cereal, or play video games; and his refusal to respect my parental values makes him a poor choice as caregiver to the little darlings. But Jonah's post does give me an idea for cool new reality TV series: Joe Presidential Candidate Babysitter.  See, each week one of the candidates would have to babysit Meghan Cox Gurdon's kids, while nanny cams recorded the whole thing.  We would get a good look at the candidates under trying conditions, see their values in action, and learn of their bedtime policies -- and the kids might get fed and stuff. I think we'll have John Kerry do the pilot: he'd have a great time with little Elision,Tecumseh, Abstinence, and Tick.  5:20:02 AM

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Non-Booby TownHall (Selected Favorites) While some TownHallers didn't get the memo, and so wrote on topics other than Janet Jackson's breast, we couldn't let the day pass without summarizing our other favorite pundits.   (Thomas Sowell's refusal to write about breasts OR kidneys means that he's off the list this week). Michelle Malkin   Michelle uncovers a massive conspiracy (involving vaccine makers, the medical profession, the schools, and organized crime) to inoculate babies against diseases they may never get! Why on earth should we vaccinate our newborn baby against Hepatitis B -- a virus that is contracted mostly through intravenous drug use and sexual contact? That is the question my husband and I had for the doctors and nurses at the hospital where our son was born two and a half months ago. We didn't get very good answers. It was "convenient," "recommended" and "routine," the medical staff assured us. We wanted more information. A nurse gave us a brochure, which explained that babies whose mothers had the Hep B virus were at high risk of developing acute Hep B infections. Well, I tested negative for Hep B.  So, see!  One can be a drug-addicted hooker, and one's child may still not be at risk! Ben Shapiro Ben has to pay more in tuition this quarter, but it's worth it to have a really cool governor like Arnold in charge of the state.  And while some of Ben's fellow students may complain about various program cuts, Ben phoned them and learned that they are Communist/racist/seditionist scum, so you can just ignore anything they might say, and instead daydream about Arnold. While most Californians -- like me -- are looking forward to government downsizing, some are afraid of losing benefits. Unsurprisingly, those crying the loudest for money from the pockets of others are my fellow college students, the "gimme" generation. Gary Aldrich The Clintons caused the Janet Jackson booby.  And Howard Dean, a doctor who has seen many a booby, is just like them.  So, we need to level this nation to the ground, to get rid of the Clinton influence, and then we can rebuild on a more moral foundation. Here’s a question:  As the chief executive in charge of the Executive Branch, why can’t a Conservative president order basic changes at the NEA to shift existing funds from objectionable programs to support those more closely resembling the wishes of the citizens who voted for George Bush?  Isn’t the NEA Bush’s agency now? Good question.  What kind of art SHOULD Bush's NEA be buying?  I think I have found the answer at this eBay Auction: and it's a bargain too!  Yes, for an opening bid of just $6 million, the NEA might be able to get TWO fine representatives of Republican statuary worth $21 million!  (But only if they act quickly, because the auction closes Feb. 5.  There aren't any bidders so far, but I bet France or Canada will try some last minute sniping, and we shouldn't let them get away with it!) The Constitutional Monument (L) was dedicated by President Reagan at Independence Hall in Philadelphia on the 200th anniversary of the signing of the Constitution on September 17, 1987.  Presumably, somebody took it home as a souvenir, and under the principle of "finders, keepers" is auctioning it off on eBay.  The Presidential Monument (R) is clearly the more classy of the two monuments, featuring as it does a flag, an eagle, "each of the four pages of the United States Constitution, the Bill of Rights and permanent portraits of George Washington and George Herbert Walker Bush." It has an interesting history: It was finished in 1990 and shipped to Washington, DC, where it was planned to be installed at the White House Ceremonial Entrance.  President Bush the First was to dedicate it. After the Monument arrived in Washington, it soon became apparent that Chief Justice Burger's Bicentennial Commission had not obtained all the requisite approvals for the contemplated installation. Bureaucratic approvals, White House correspondence and congressional hearings postponed the unveiling until late in President Bush's term. It was widely perceived and assumed that President Bush would be elected to a second term, and the various government officials involved postponed the unveiling and dedication until the anticipated inauguration of President Bush for his second term in early 1993. History speaks as to what happened at the 1992 Presidential elections... The new Clinton administration had a distinct lack of interest in perpetuating what they saw as a "Republican" project, developed by a partisan commission. To make matters more difficult, Chief Justice Burger died. [snip] The Clinton administration was unwilling to continue to store the Monument at the government facility and in 1994 it was moved to a private storage location in rural Virginia. The Monument remains there to this day, pending being gifted to, and eventually unveiling at, the White House, the location always intended by the Federal Government through it's Bicentennial Commission - although many other potential locations are possible. So, if the NEA bought it and gave it to the White House, it would vindicate Bush, Sr., and would give the American people something NICE to look at. But if the NEA doesn't buy it, YOU could.  Think how nice it would look on your front lawn, along with those plastic flamingos, decorative bird baths, and the Roy Moore 10 Commandments Boulder.   Dennis Prager Dennis experiences "the passion," but it's for George W. Bush.  Rush Limbaugh sits in his darkened room and cries, his heart broken by Dennis's rejection. I have lived in Los Angeles for 28 years, am regularly on television, made three videos with major Hollywood actors, and have yet to attend one Hollywood party. I would rather bowl with my 11-year-old son than have lunch with an Academy Award-winner.  There has been an exception to this rule -- George W. Bush.  The question on everybody's mind: what videos did Dennis Prager appear in?  So, I looked him up in the IMDb.  It seems that Dennis appeared in For Goodness Sake I, II, and III (as "himself").  He also produced and co-wrote these three shorts, or commercials, or whatever they are.  1993's For Goodness Sake was a star-studded extravaganza, featuring such talent as Bob Saget, Scott Bakula, and Faith Ford.  But apparently nobody saw it, because it has no plot summary and no comments listed on the IMDb.  The 1996 sequel starred Craig Patton (who is best known for his roles as "disgruntled husband" on Judging Amy, and "E.R. doctor" on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer).  Ed Begley, Jr., also appeared in that one.  For Goodnesss Sake III (1998) stars only Dennis Prager.  Seriously, he's the only one listed in the cast credits.  So, you can see how impressive it is that Dennis has made three movies with major Hollywood actors, and yet is still all atwitter at having met George Bush.  A great man resides in the White House. That is why he is hated. And that is why he will win.  What an inspiring thought.  Now go bid on that Presidential Monument! 4:46:21 AM

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Ricin Update A new link is emerging between letters containing the poison ricin found in mail facilities that serve the White House and a South Carolina airport as federal investigators seek to identify the letter or parcel that may have carried ricin into a Senate mailroom. A senior law enforcement official, speaking Tuesday on condition of anonymity, said investigators had established strong links between the South Carolina and White House letters. What remained unclear, the official said, was whether those letters were connected to the substance found in the office of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn. The letter found in October at a postal facility serving the Greenville-Spartanburg International Airport - signed by someone who called himself "Fallen Angel" - and one found in November at a facility that processes mail for the White House both complained about new regulations requiring certain amounts of rest for truck drivers, the official said. Both also contained ricin. Yup.  Both the letter to the Department of Transportation and the one to the White House were clearly the work of the Axis of Islamic Terrorist Truckers of Arabic Evil, Southern Division.  They may or may not have a grudge against the Senate, but I don't know why they wouldn't. There were no indications of involvement by foreign terrorists such as al-Qaida, which the FBI has said is interested in using ricin in an attack. But that's no reason not to scare the populace into thinking that it WAS the work of foreign terrorists.  There is a war on, after all, and people should be reminded of it as often as possible, especially in an election year. Gainer said authorities were interviewing members of Frist's staff and others who had access to the mailroom. Although it was considered remotely possible that the ricin was physically planted in Frist's office, investigators were concentrating on mail as the likely source. You know, Frist seems to know a lot about ricin.  Maybe a little too much . . . I'm not implying anything, but if this were a "Law & Order" ep, we would be looking at that intern who opened the mail, who will turn out to have had an affair with Frist which ended badly.  But what about Mrs. Frist, who was seen picking up castor bean pods at the National Arboretum?  And then there's Bubba Joe Bubbason, Frist's longtime friend who wouldn't be able to eke out a living if the new trucking regulations went into effect, and truckers had to sleep instead of relying on his crystal meth to keep going -- while Frist had promised to "see what he could do" about the legislation, he hadn't followed through.  And what to make of Frist's recent purchase of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Ricin?  Or the note on his DayPlanner: "Need Tues. off -- how to close Senate?"  The "order" portion of the ep would focus around on whether being a Republican was a certified mental disorder which could justify an insanity plea.  Charles Krauthammer would serve as an expert witness for the defense, but would be torn apart on cross examination when McCoy proves Charles is an idiot.  ADA Serena would insist that the real crime was Janet Jackson's breast.  DA Old Guy would share a folksy saying about how you shouldn't piss off the Southern meth manufacturers.  And then, in an exciting last-minute twist, Saddam would confess to the crime, since, as reader Thurber Hamm pointed out in the excellent comments section of yesterday's ricin story, Saddam was the real killer all the time. 2:08:14 AM

TownHall: Booby Edition The pundits cop a feel of this, the most pressing, firm-but-yielding, taut-nippled, globular issue of the day. Kathleen Parker Kathleen writes, "Few things are more ennui provoking than discussions of Janet Jackson's breast," and then she discusses it and its "nipple ornament" for a whole column.  Janet Jackson's exposed breast wasn't just a breast.  It's not as though she was lifting her eyelet smock to nurse the baby Jesus.  Jonah Goldberg After an extensive investigation and watching the video tape over and over, Jonah deduces that a grassy knoll was somehow involved. Now, I don't find this entirely believable. Did they call in a seamstress to make the bodice a breakaway at the last moment?  Moreover, this version of events would mean that Janet (or Miss Jackson if you're nasty) normally wears that sun-shaped pewter thingamajig under her bra and never expected anyone to see it.   Jonah also puts the male pop star population on notice that they should never consider participating in a similar stunt with his daughter in 20 years.  But we do hear that his mother is willing to discuss doing something along these lines, if anyone is interested. My daughter isn't quite 1 year old yet, but in (God willing) 20 years, if some boy thinks he can use a "wardrobe malfunction" as an excuse for similar behavior, he'd better wear a pretty protective wardrobe himself.  Brent Bozell "Sports are supposed to remain an inspirational oasis in our culture," and the Super Bowl should be a celebration of all that is good and holy about guys beating the crap out of each other.  But MTV has profaned this sacred ceremony, and now that Grandpa goes around singing those BackStreet Boyz tunes, we are going to have to put him to sleep. But on Sunday night, grandparents, parents and children were huddled around the set for the Big Game, an obvious time slot for "family hour" programming. Instead, Grandpa and 8-year-old Johnny are trying to process why they have to be infected with this communicable disease, this vile programming that should be known as the MTV virus.   Linda Chavez Howard Dean may think it's okay for women to have breasts, but Linda is shocked, SHOCKED that she had to learn about it from a halftime show. Heads should roll at CBS and MTV, both owned by media giant Viacom, for foisting this crude act on us.  And the NFL should decide whether it is promoting the game of football or soft-core porn with its Super Bowl half-time "entertainment."  Matt Towery Matt was expecting to see George Bush's booby, and boy, was he disappointed. My disappointment doubled when I realized the halftime extravaganza would include no tribute to U.S. troops at war; in fact, no patriotic or inspirational message at all.  And certainly no surprise at the magnitude of, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States!"   Cal Thomas A man, his sons, and his grandsons should be able to experience family time together, in their home, in front of their own TV, watching hard-core porn, without having to pay for it.  Or something like that. Maybe it's appropriate that Super Bowls are numbered with Roman numerals. Sunday's, Super Bowl XXXVIII, featured a halftime show that could have served as backdrop for one of Caligula's orgies.  So, in conclusion, I think we will all remember where we were on the day when civilization ended; the day when when football watchers visually got to second base with a woman. 1:07:03 AM