January 8, 2004 by s.z.

I TOLD You So! James Lileks, reflecting on a family vacation to Arizona: Gnat was a little goat for much of the trip, as she had been throughout the trip. Not evil, not sullen or nasty, but just goatish.  [snip] And she became accustomed to running with her new pack – her three cousins accepted her right away, and formed a peer hierarchy outside of the laws of Dads and Moms. One day your child is your own, and the next she's operating according to the morals and bylaws of the Spongebob Club. The what? The SPONGEBOB CLUB, :P They're all good kids - I don't mean to suggest otherwise. It was just interesting to see Gnat throw her lot in with the kids, and hang the consequences. Yup, she's thrown in her lot with the kids, and soon Lileks will learn horrifying lessons about trying to manipulate and dominate the Children of the Damned Spongebob.  And then maybe he'll pay attention when Gnat says "No no no! It’ll stick you!" UPDATE:  We see that Lileks is now conducting pretend interviews with make-believe terrorists, asking them questions like: Do you want to go down in history as a culture of death-besotted killers who came up with the concept of the lethal Birth Canal of Death, or the culture that put another robot on another planet? So, it appears that JAMES is the one with the psycho imaginary friends.  As Gnat would say, "is not booful."     7:00:13 PM

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Wow, the National Review Bermuda Triangle Cruise!  I can hardly wait!  Besides Bill Bennett ("Former Sec. of Education under President Reagan, former drug czar under President Bush, and sex slave under Pain Mistress Tatiana"), the speakers announced so far include Richie Lowry and Jay Nordlinger (who has apparently recovered from dying on that last cruise).  Even though I never did explain how that last cruise ended (basically, Ed Gillispie was cloning Reagan in the White House basement, and murdering all who stood in his way and some people he just didn't like), I think I may have to cover this cruise too, once we finish the story of the stranger who is calling the Fever Swamp to tell them about how Jimmy Carter is trying to get the wimps of the world to band together to fight Orc discrimination.  But let me know if you are sick of either or both concepts, 'cause there are always TownHalls to explore instead. 5:55:26 PM

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In Other News. . . 1.  To Provide Further Proof of His Existance, Dave Cullen is heading to Iowa to help Get Out the Dean Vote.  Presumably he'll report back fully when he returns. He's issued an invitation to anyone interested in joining in.  So, won't you please come to Iowa, just to show your face.  You can change the world.  Rearrange the world.  And other old song lyrics. 2. Fried Green al-Qaedas gives us a cautionary tale of what could happen to one of Meghan Cox Gurdon's kids if somebody doesn't do something soon.  [Note: I only poke fun of the Gurdon children because they are clearly fictional characters, invented only to lisp adorably childish denunciations of FDR, NPR, and modern culture.  If the Gurdon Bunch actually existed, I would not presume to judge any of them on their names, or their burgeoning sexual orientations, if any.  I apologize if I have offended anyone named Eglantine.] 3. Dave at How to Save the World has a very, good piece on "the most important ideas of the year in blogs & blogging."  Here's the first of them: 1.  The Internet is a World of Ends - Doc Searls and David Weinberger finally explained to bloggers and to e-business what the Internet is and how it works. As a result, bloggers (and blogging tool developers) now realize that there will never be 'standards' for blogs, blog censorship, clear rules on what is and isn't appropriate in citing others' work on your blog, standard blog taxonomy and categories, an official definition or list of blogs, unarguable or untamperable rankings of blog popularity, or controls of any kind. It's a jungle out here. There are no rules. The blogosphere, like the Internet, is owned by no one, open to everyone, and made better by each of us. A cornucopia of unrestricted and open innovation. Its value flowers at the ends, and, fellow bloggers, we are the ends. So, go explore that world.  But finish reading my stuff first. 5:00:19 AM

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But the Bush Stump Speech is NOT a Parody.  Poor Jonah Goldberg.  Got taken in by a LOTR parody that was purportedly a speech given by Jimmy Carter.    Geez, Jonah, even if you did post before reading all the way to the end (which is pretty stupid in and of itself), how clueless do you have to be to think lines like, "Let's be clear about the dangers. What if young people start identifying George W. Bush with Aragorn or Gandalf, and Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden with Saruman?" would ever be spoken by a real, living person, let alone a former President?  So, in a movement where personal responsibility is key (like Walter E. Williams told us yesterday, after confessing he'd been tricked by a urban legend), shouldn't you take it upon yourself to retire from punditing following such a gaffe.  Because if you can be fooled by somebody like Dennis Prager, why should we ever listen to you again?  4:24:14 AM

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Old Speeches Never Die, They Just Get "Local Color" Ever since I advised Howard Dean that he should just concede the south to Bush, since Bush controls the crucial farm implementation dealerships, I've lost track of Stump Speach.  But I vowed to see how it was doing, and caught up with it (via transcripts) at the recent Bush-Cheney 2004 Luncheon in St. Louis, Missouri.  Here are the only parts which struck me as bloggable this time: I don't know if you know this or not, but my grandmother was raised right here in St. Louis. (Applause.)  And I've got a lot of relatives here. By the way, if you're looking for a great uncle, model somebody after Bucky Bush. (Applause.) The hell?  So, if I am looking for a great uncle (possibly my great-uncle Herschel, whom nobody has seen for 40 years), I should model somebody (perhaps Kate Moss, who doesn't get many modeling jobs these days) after "Bucky Bush", who is presumably a cartoon squirrel?  Sorry, but this whole business just doesn't make any sense. But let's move along: We're working hard to change the tone in Washington, D.C. There's too much needless politics and endless backbiting.  And the best way to change the tone is to focus on results, to be results-oriented people, to deliver progress on behalf of all Americans.  And those are the kind of people I've attracted to my administration. I've put together the finest administration of any President in our nation's history, good, honorable, decent, hardworking people who have come to Washington, D.C., to serve a cause greater than their own self-interests. See, there's too much endless backbiting in Washington, so Bush has attracted Americans to his administration.  And Karl Rove is avoiding needless politics in order to serve a cause greater than his own self-interest: getting Bush re-elected.  I feel stirred to my very soul by all this selfless nobility.   But now we move on the the War Against Terrorism/Iraq portion of the speech.  I don't remember reading this part before: First, America is committed to expanding the realm of freedom and peace for our own security and for the benefit of the world.   May the sun never set on the American Empire of Freedom and Peace. And here's one last thought to close on: Leaders around the world now know weapons of mass destruction do not bring influence or prestige, they bring isolation and unwelcome consequences.  And that's why we're giving up OUR weapons of mass destruction -- because we've learned through sad experience that they didn't make us popular or "cool," but instead just ruined our reputation and caused us to be shunned by decent folk.  We think they also gave us a shameful social disease.  You can learn more from our upcoming afterschool special, "WMDs: Story of a Teen Addict." So, in conclusion, give some money to the Bush-Cheney 2004 campagn, to keep the stump speech alive.  (applause) 4:03:50 AM

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The NewsMax Credo: Never Give a Sucker An Even Break Washing the Blog has an exciting and informative piece about how YOU can make lots of money (and help defeat our country's enemies) by participating in the scams advertised in NewsMax.  As Mike shows us, there's always good money to be made by investing in fraudulent cancer cures (profiting from the suffering of others is just good business)!  Or, how about helping to foil bin Laden while getting rich the Secret Currency way! You see, a NEW Secret Currency has just emerged on the market.  A Secret Currency so brand-new that even Wall Street doesn't know about it yet!  And get this: The Secret Currency is NOT at the mercy of the falling U.S. dollar!  In fact, as the U.S. dollar FALLS LOWER... the Secret Currency SOARS HIGHER!  So, invest in a foreign currency, as that will allow you to profit from your country's failing dollar -- and thus help make your country stronger!  For when you "Beat Bin Laden to the Punch," you are helping President Bush fight the war on terrorism.  He'll commend you for your patriotism. Check out Washing the Blog for full details. 3:22:18 AM

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I Pledge Allegiance to God, the State of Indiana, and the Confederacy We found a fun, new old Young Conservative: one Pastor James Brown.  This pretty much sums up the first part of his recent column: To say there was to be a "wall of separation between church and state" is absurd. The State Constitutions were very clear that they could collectively establish religion because that is what they did. Some even had an established state church where others allowed for freedom of Christian Protestant denominations but they still legislated Christianity as the State religion. So, basically that freedom of religion which Jefferson called "the most inalienable and sacred of all human rights" is your freedom to be a Protestant.  And then Pastor Brown explains how the authority of the states trumps the federal goverment, and then God rules them all, just like the One-Ring.  But sadly, we went astray 150 or so years ago: A little study of history will show that America was turned upside down in the War of Federal Aggression.  As an outcome of that war, the authority structure was turned on its head. Since the authority of power now rests with the Federal government this once slave of the States is now taking revenge.  It has put the States to work in the cotton fields and is removing God from every fiber of our society. [snip] The real problem is not the Constitution, but that the Confederacy lost the war against the Federalists. For it was Federal victory that brought about the Fourteenth Amendment and every other evil which is bringing curses on our nation. Damn that 14th ammendment, with its insistence that the state provide equal rights to the (male) people within its jurisdiction!   Anyway, Pastor Brown certainly brings an interesting perspective to the Young Conservatives site, and we hope to see more of his work before he's committed. 3:01:19 AM

Are You Likely to Marry? Let's find out (courtesy of a quiz found in the December 1949 issue of Ladies' Home Journal): 1.  Do you like most people at first meeting? 2.  Are you careful about personal grooming? 3.  Do you have three dates a month or more? 4.  Are you under 29 years of age? 5. Would you marry a man two years your junior? 6.  Is your weight about average for your height? 7.  Are you conservative and conventional in behavior? 8.  Is it easy for you to make friends? 9.  Do your parents like the men you date? 10.  Do men often admire your clothes and the way you wear them? 11.  Have you gone steady within the past two years? 12. Do you like to do favors for people? 13.  Were you dating by the time you were 17? 14.  Do you attend many parties and dances? 15.  Are most of your girl friends dating or engaged? 16.  Do you belong to several clubs and organizations? 17.  Do you live in a town or farm community? 18.  Are you certain you want to marry soon? All of these questions should be answered "yes."  With a score of 15 or more, your prospects for marriage are good.  With a lower score, study your incorrect answers for hints for improvement.  If age or other circumstances are against you, that's all the more reason to overcome other handicaps. See, the key to getting married is to go on lots of dates (ideally, while you're going steady), to do favors for people (such as marrying them), and to be conventional, like everybody else. But if you aren't under 29 years of age, men don't admire your clothes, you aren't conservative in behavior, and you spent your 20's damaging your goods, you can still have a passionate and exciting relationship -- with your laundry detergent. And Tide will never cheat on you, tell you it doesn't like your clothes, or ask you do to favors for it.  And we hear its really good in bed. 1:48:57 AM