The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Saturday, January 29, 2011

July 7, 2006 by s.z.

Here are just a few of the things I learned from the cautionary tale (and Rush Limbaugh radio show segment), “Rush Stopped at Customs: The Real Story.”
1.  Rush has a friend. One who urged him to try Viagra.
My friends, you know, I have always been able to rise above it all, and this is just another example. But let me tell you about this because this was surreal. This really was. Last December… I don’t know how much I should tell. This is purely personal, this is. Last December a friend said, “You gotta get…[Viagra].”
So, just who WAS this friend? I’m guessing it was his former mistress, Daryn Kagan (because as a “friend, ” she would be in a position to know that he could use the stuff). 
But I suppose it could been President Bush.  I mean, even though they’re not, like, BEST friends, a couple of years ago Georgereportedly said, “Rush is a great American. I am confident he can overcome any obstacles he faces right now, such as his drug addiction, his servant problem (maids who blackmail you are the WORST!), his legal misunderstandings, and his limp dick.”
(Well, maybe that’s not exactly what the President said, but you know how Drudge always gets things at least partially wrong.)
 2. Rush was in the Dominican Republic for the cigar tours (which have absolutely nothing to do with sex, despite how it might sound to you).  And he just took Viagra with him because, um, he forgot it was in his briefcase. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
A week ago Monday, I get back from three days, two-and-a-half days, in the Dominican Republic, and most of the time spent touring cigar factories and cigar farms. I had this bottle of Viagra in my briefcase. I’ve had it in there since December. I forgot it was even in there.
3. Rush has only had one erection since December.
There were 30 pills prescribed, and when they counted them out, there were 29 — and yet, everybody thinks I loaded up on the stuff for a trip to the Dominican Republic, and that’s what everybody was saying. “Wow, what went on in the Dominican Republic? Oh! (muttering).”
So, Rush is no libertine, he’s just a fat, lonely guy who has so few opportunities for sex that he forgets he even has a prescription for Viagra.  (Maybe if the prescription was in his own name, he’d have a better shot at remembering this.)
And what’s with all the muttering?
4.  The Customs Department is staffed by ugly Feminazis who are out to get Rush.
In fact, when I cleared Customs there was this… I’m going to be very restrained in describing the agent but… I’ll save that for another time.
I know I can hardly wait!
But anyway, she asks to inspect Rush’s briefcase, and just to be cooperative, he lets her, and then . . .
She he reaches in there, pulls out this bottle, says, “What have we here?” There are twenty-five people in the room. “What have we here? Viagra!” she shouts, “and look, it’s not your name on the bottle! This is a crime! This is a violation of law!”
What a bitch, concerning herself with volations of the law, and humiliating Rush that way!  She must hate men, or something, so therefore, she must be a feminist, and probably a lesbian, and really unattractive. 
Oh, and she’s undoubtedly one of those Democrats in the federal bureacracy whom Hindrocket warned us about. (You know, the traitors who are always leaking stuff that’s already on the public record, in order to make George Bush and other American heroesld leaders, such as Rush, look bad.)
 5.  Rush had an intestinal blockage in December.
“How many other prescriptions do you have, sir?”
“I’ve got two.”
“They have your name on it?”
“What are they?”
“Look at ‘em.”
He said, “Well, what’s this?”
I said, “I had an intestinal blockage in December. They’re for that.”
And it was also in December that his friend suggested that he try Viagra. Coincidence, or part of the vast left-wing conspiracy to frame Rush for stuff?
But in any case, it’s good that he got that blockage taken care of, because with his anal cyst situation, it could have otherwise proven fatal! (BTW, a common side effect of oxycodone addiction is constipation. Just thought you should know.)
But you will notice that Rush didn’t tell us what the other prescription was for. My guess is that it was heroin, and prescribed for his ingrown toenails.
6.  Either Rush is no longer laundering money, or he spent all his “walking around money” in the Dominican Republic, on, um, cigars..
Let’s return to the snappy “Dragnet-esque” dialogue, this time featuring the Feminazi’s supervisor
“How much cash are you carrying?”
I started to pull my cash out.
He said, “I don’t care to see it, just tell me.”
I said, “Less than $1,500.”
Remember the good, old days, when Rush used to break banking regulations in order to have $9,999 for pocket change?
Yeah, back then, given the amount of money he earned, it was “pretty much in proportion with, you know, what anybody else earns in terms of the percentage of walking-around money and cash that they use for things.”
Ah, good times, good times!
7. Humble Rush (who, as he reminds us several times in the course of this segment, is just a “private citizen”), is not above a little name-dropping when he gets caught red-handed with the sex drugs.
Sadly, the Customs supervisor failed to get the hint about how vital Rush is to the security of our nation, and detained him anyway.
I had a little white bag of things and he opened it. “What’s this?”
I said, “Those are cuff links and golf balls from President Bush. I had lunch with him last Friday in the White House and dinner with your boss, Secretary Chertoff, the night before at the Supreme Court.”
“Well, sir, I have to tell you that this is a violation of law, and we have called authorities in Miami and blah, blah,” and they detained me for three or four hours and whatever it was.
The fact that these Customs Nazis would do this despite Rush’s bag of presidential cuff links ‘n golf balls shows just how depraved they are.
8. What Rush has learned from this incident is to never again leave the country, because it might give his archenemies in the Customs Dept. a chance to once again frame him for impotence.
Because Rush has political enemies theoretically everywhere.
Folks, I’m going to be honest with you about something here. This incident has taught me. I had a golf trip planned for Spain in August, and I have canceled it. I am not going to involve myself with United States Customs for the next year and a half until this so-called probationary period evaporates.
I’ll tell you, the election cycles of ’06 and ’08, especially ’08, I think it’s going to be one of the most vicious and filthy of our lifetimes, [... ] and I’m not going to put myself in a position of being framed. […] With all this obvious partisanship that’s out there, I’m just not going to make it easy for people to frame me or whatever. So I’ve canceled that trip to Spain. You know, I have political enemies, theoretically, everywhere I would go and come back in the country.
This incident might have taught someone else not to take medication prescribed for someone else, but what it taught Rush was that it’s the GOVERNMENT’S fault (and the Democrats’ fault) that Rush was mildly inconvenienced at the airport. Damn government!
Yeah, personal responsibility is a Republican trademark.
But anyway, I want to thank Rush for teaching me these important lessons, and I will try to apply them in my personal life, the next time I am a millionaire junkie political opinonmaker (who is also just a common person) on probation for drug violations, and I am going through customs with improperly prescribed impotence drugs.

31 Responses to “How Rush Spent His Summer Vacation”

…the next time I am a millionaire junkie political opinonmaker (who is also just a common person) on probation for drug violations, and I am going through customs with improperly prescribed impotence drugs.
But… But… But… You can’t ever be those things because you don’t have a… you know… don’t make me write it… you know…. O.K… a…
Viagara prescription!
I dunno… What with the Republicants running out of people to blame and the Fundies running out of people to hate, it’s going to be a LONG coupla years…
The unmistakable aroma of emotionally immature petulance pervades the end of Rush’s tale– just like a chastened child sent to his room who refuses to go outside and play baseball with his friends when granted reprieve.
Just for that, I’m not going to Spain to play golf, sniff, sniff, so there. Then you’ll be sorry, boo hoo.
Way to “rise above it all,” Rush!
No, no, I see it all now. He had an intestinal blockage in December. He hasn’t taken any Viagra since December. C’mon, people! Read for meaning here…
Clearly, he, you know, slipped or something back in December, and accidentally got the Viagra bottle lodged in his, his hindrocket. So he didn’t have a choice, he had to take it with him. Probably forgot it was in there.
Then he visits some cigar farms, has a smoke or two, and possibly that leads to a coughing fit. That loosens things back in the tradesman’s entrance, and before you know it, the Viagra falls and…
…the Viagra falls… VIAGRA FALLS?? Slowly I turned…
I have always been able to rise above it all
If you could you wouldn’t need the Viagra! (Ba-bomp-Shing!)
CIGAR factories??? He was touring CIGAR factories???? GAWD…. I certainly hope we all remember what happened with cigars in the previous (sadly and deeply lamented) administration… Oh…. So I guess that Rush’s little limp problems are all Clinton’s fault? Just like everything else??
You know, I think Rush is right. This is clearly a conspiracy. A conspiracy to make me hear more details about Rush Limbaugh than will allow me to keep my lunch down.
But, I’ll tell you what. I’m willing to forget about the boner pills and the hillbilly heroin and the mistress and the blackmail and the plea bargains and the talk about Bush’s package and the draft dodging and the cyst and the Coulter-coddling and the encouraging Al Qaeda to blow up an American city… *whew*. I’ll forget all of that if he’ll just go away.
He gets to keep his money and his house and for that matter can have as many mistresses as he likes, just as long as I no longer have to hear about *or* from him.
For the record, thanks to all the terror alert shit, I’m staying out of Canada for the duration of the insanity at the border. I’ve changed my name more times than you can imagine, and a birth certificate isn’t gonna cut it for me. Frankly, I barely have the paperwork to *stay* in this country, let alone get back in.
And why is this? Well, gosh, guys like Limbaugh whipping up the idiot hordes into surrendering liberty in favor of dubious safety might have something to do with that.
So, you know, fuck you, Rush, and I’m sure Spain won’t weep.
But still, the question MUST be asked–why would a God-fearing decent American (not to mention a “family values” type republican) tell Russ (a SINGLE man–a BACHELOR!) to try viagra?!
GOD. I hate republicans. And I’m sorry to say that includes my family. Unless they get a clue and say “Hey! Rush-a BACHELOR-had viagra?! That’s not RIGHT!” (and they need to do it in that Kevin Meany voice)
When I was young and walked 3 miles uphill to and from school, Republicans honored war heroes and despised chickenhawk druggies. War profiteering was illegal and disgusting and the Republican’t leadership actually served in combat.
Honest, I am not making this up. Hey, Goddamn it! Stop laughing! I am not a fucking liar!
When I was young and walked 3 miles uphill to and from school, Republicans honored war heroes and despised chickenhawk druggies. War profiteering was illegal and disgusting and the Republican’t leadership actually served in combat.
Honest, I am not making this up. Hey, Goddamn it! Stop laughing! I am not a fucking liar!
OK, I didn’t really walk uphill to school both ways.
I bet the fat motherfucker was told not to leave the country.
I’d bet, too, and that it has something to do with “this so-called probationary period.”
The people of Spain just voted to give a medal to U.S. Customs.
I’m not really sure which mental image is more projectile vomit inducing, Stiffy Rush™ or Floppy Rush™. Since I can’t decide, I think I’ll lump ‘em together into a catch-all category; Nekkid Rush™.
Oh, ayup. That does it…
1. Had you been able to gather together the greatest, most agile, most creative minds in all of academia and public relations and, for a king’s ransom, given them a year to complete this single task: “Make the name Rush Limbaugh more cringeworthy than ever” they could not have topped this story.
2. In a somewhat similar vein, if you wanted to demonstrate the practical results of twenty-five years of the racist, self-serving, ethically, intellectually, and morally bankrupt modern Republican party you need look no further than this: the lying pukebucket of the airwaves, scourge of drug abusers everywhere, defender of personal responsibility who feels no compunction to obey the fucking law while he’s on probation. And the human flotsam that applauds it because like what he says. After Limbaugh, the whole country is a pilonidal cyst.
and image of Rush that’s more cringeworthy and vomit inducing?
Ah, got it!
Rush Linbaugh clad only in a black thong, gyrating to “Chewy Chewy” by Ohio Express, giving a lap dance to Anne Coulter, edging close enough to her to remove the thong…with her teeth, while Michelle stands in back of him, swatting his butt to the beat of the music…leading them to a hot tub where an already naked Matt Drudge is seated, ushering them with a broad grin…
Oh, that wasn’t a dare, was it?
Okay, so his friend said “you realy gotta try this intestinal blockage thing”? Ewww! No wait, so both Rush and his friend had intestinal blockages, and his friend said… Hold on, maybe his friend was a sex therapist and Rush’s colon was blocked with cigars so he…
So, when is World O Crap gonna throw down and join the YouTube wars being waged on Sadly,No! Atrios and more? Cuz I got a whoooolllle lotta musical theater ideas to arm you all with…
maryc makes an excellent point. Since Rush is unmarried (thrice divorced, to be precise, in violation of God’s law), he has no buainess using his dick for anything other than peeing. All of his present listeners should shun him for his sinful ways.
The thing that bothers me the most about this whole thing is that Rush had to go to the Dominican Republic. Aren’t American child prostitutes good enough for him?
He smokes Cuban cigars and drinks French wine, too, Lloyd. I’d love to see his audience’s reaction to that.
Having caught Rush with Viagra, the prosecutors should throw the book at him. He’s obviously a hardened criminal.
“Intestinal blockage’ sounds a lot like one of the side-effects of some other medications he’s been ‘taking’.
Has Rush ever come clean on his deafness being related to his ‘addiction’? There was an article about the connection between using codine long-term and hearing loss in the LA Times about 2 weeks before Flush got busted, but that part of the story got lost, apparently.
I like the fact that Rush travels with the president’s balls.
Bill S, I’ll buy that little scenario (for a dollah!), but only if the hot tub Drudge is in is filled with raw eggs. Yeah, that’s the tick–uh oh.
[blaaarrrfff--again!! ]
Bill Hicks (RIP) did a routine about a Barbara Bush, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh threesome was pure genius.
The Dark Avenger avers (darkly!): “‘Intestinal blockage’ sounds a lot like one of the side-effects of some other medications he’s been ‘taking’.”
It also sounds a lot like another way of saying that which we’ve always known:
Rush is fulla shit.
I think it is incumbent upon us all to petition Rush’s ball-bearing semi-buddy Dubya to pardon him from his so-called year and a half probation, and then to buy the Oxycontin Ox some one-way airplane tickets so he will leave. I hear Kabul is nice this time of year.
“Anal Cyst Situation” my Aunt Fanny! So, this is where Coulter got her “anal sex and fisting” experience/info! Apparently, she wanted to try it out on a tutu wearing submissive called Rush (who has a strange resemblence to another grade a-A**hole, J. Edgar Hoover, another blustering, slander-mongering p.o.s.). Now it’s all coming into focus…Rush on his knees in his tutu, begging his “mistress” to punish him for being a bad, bad boy.
Aaarrgghh! Again with the…
Y’know, this comments thread is really adversely affecting my ability to keep food down. Urp.

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