1. Rush has a friend. One who urged him to try Viagra.
My friends, you know, I have always been able to rise above it all, and this is just another example. But let me tell you about this because this was surreal. This really was. Last December… I don’t know how much I should tell. This is purely personal, this is. Last December a friend said, “You gotta get…[Viagra].”
So, just who WAS this friend? I’m guessing it was his former mistress, Daryn Kagan (because as a “friend, ” she would be in a position to know that he could use the stuff).
But I suppose it could been President Bush. I mean, even though they’re not, like, BEST friends, a couple of years ago Georgereportedly said, “Rush is a great American. I am confident he can overcome any obstacles he faces right now, such as his drug addiction, his servant problem (maids who blackmail you are the WORST!), his legal misunderstandings, and his limp dick.”
(Well, maybe that’s not exactly what the President said, but you know how Drudge always gets things at least partially wrong.)
2. Rush was in the Dominican Republic for the cigar tours (which have absolutely nothing to do with sex, despite how it might sound to you).And he just took Viagra with him because, um, he forgot it was in his briefcase. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
A week ago Monday, I get back from three days, two-and-a-half days, in the Dominican Republic, and most of the time spent touring cigar factories and cigar farms. I had this bottle of Viagra in my briefcase. I’ve had it in there since December. I forgot it was even in there.
3. Rush has only had one erection since December.
There were 30 pills prescribed, and when they counted them out, there were 29 — and yet, everybody thinks I loaded up on the stuff for a trip to the Dominican Republic, and that’s what everybody was saying. “Wow, what went on in the Dominican Republic? Oh! (muttering).”
So, Rush is no libertine, he’s just a fat, lonely guy who has so few opportunities for sex that he forgets he even has a prescription for Viagra. (Maybe if the prescription was in his own name, he’d have a better shot at remembering this.)
And what’s with all the muttering?
4. The Customs Department is staffed by ugly Feminazis who are out to get Rush.
In fact, when I cleared Customs there was this… I’m going to be very restrained in describing the agent but… I’ll save that for another time.
I know I can hardly wait!
But anyway, she asks to inspect Rush’s briefcase, and just to be cooperative, he lets her, and then . . .
She he reaches in there, pulls out this bottle, says, “What have we here?” There are twenty-five people in the room. “What have we here? Viagra!” she shouts, “and look, it’s not your name on the bottle! This is a crime! This is a violation of law!”
What a bitch, concerning herself with volations of the law, and humiliating Rush that way! She must hate men, or something, so therefore, she must be a feminist, and probably a lesbian, and really unattractive.
Oh, and she’s undoubtedly one of those Democrats in the federal bureacracy whom Hindrocket warned us about. (You know, the traitors who are always leaking stuff that’s already on the public record, in order to make George Bush and other American heroesld leaders, such as Rush, look bad.)
5. Rush had an intestinal blockage in December.
“How many other prescriptions do you have, sir?”
“I’ve got two.”
“They have your name on it?”
“What are they?”
“Look at ‘em.”
He said, “Well, what’s this?”
I said, “I had an intestinal blockage in December. They’re for that.”
And it was also in December that his friend suggested that he try Viagra. Coincidence, or part of the vast left-wing conspiracy to frame Rush for stuff?
But in any case, it’s good that he got that blockage taken care of, because with his anal cyst situation, it could have otherwise proven fatal! (BTW, a common side effect of oxycodone addiction is constipation. Just thought you should know.)
But you will notice that Rush didn’t tell us what the other prescription was for. My guess is that it was heroin, and prescribed for his ingrown toenails.
6. Either Rush is no longer laundering money, or he spent all his “walking around money” in the Dominican Republic, on, um, cigars..
Let’s return to the snappy “Dragnet-esque” dialogue, this time featuring the Feminazi’s supervisor
“How much cash are you carrying?”
I started to pull my cash out.
He said, “I don’t care to see it, just tell me.”
I said, “Less than $1,500.”
Remember the good, old days, when Rush used to break banking regulations in order to have $9,999 for pocket change?
Yeah, back then, given the amount of money he earned, it was “pretty much in proportion with, you know, what anybody else earns in terms of the percentage of walking-around money and cash that they use for things.”
Ah, good times, good times!
7. Humble Rush (who, as he reminds us several times in the course of this segment, is just a “private citizen”), is not above a little name-dropping when he gets caught red-handed with the sex drugs.
Sadly, the Customs supervisor failed to get the hint about how vital Rush is to the security of our nation, and detained him anyway.
I had a little white bag of things and he opened it. “What’s this?”
I said, “Those are cuff links and golf balls from President Bush. I had lunch with him last Friday in the White House and dinner with your boss, Secretary Chertoff, the night before at the Supreme Court.”
“Well, sir, I have to tell you that this is a violation of law, and we have called authorities in Miami and blah, blah,” and they detained me for three or four hours and whatever it was.
The fact that these Customs Nazis would do this despite Rush’s bag of presidential cuff links ‘n golf balls shows just how depraved they are.
8. What Rush has learned from this incident is to never again leave the country, because it might give his archenemies in the Customs Dept. a chance to once again frame him for impotence.
Because Rush has political enemies theoretically everywhere.
Folks, I’m going to be honest with you about something here. This incident has taught me. I had a golf trip planned for Spain in August, and I have canceled it. I am not going to involve myself with United States Customs for the next year and a half until this so-called probationary period evaporates.
I’ll tell you, the election cycles of ’06 and ’08, especially ’08, I think it’s going to be one of the most vicious and filthy of our lifetimes, [... ] and I’m not going to put myself in a position of being framed. […] With all this obvious partisanship that’s out there, I’m just not going to make it easy for people to frame me or whatever. So I’ve canceled that trip to Spain. You know, I have political enemies, theoretically, everywhere I would go and come back in the country.
This incident might have taught someone else not to take medication prescribed for someone else, but what it taught Rush was that it’s the GOVERNMENT’S fault (and the Democrats’ fault) that Rush was mildly inconvenienced at the airport. Damn government!
Yeah, personal responsibility is a Republican trademark.
But anyway, I want to thank Rush for teaching me these important lessons, and I will try to apply them in my personal life, the next time I am a millionaire junkie political opinonmaker (who is also just a common person) on probation for drug violations, and I am going through customs with improperly prescribed impotence drugs.
Posted by s.z. on Friday, July 7th, 2006 at 7:31 pm.
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