Longer than Sadly, No!‘s “Shorter Townhall”, but less comprehensive — so, a better choice for today’s value-conscious, ill-informed consumer.
And since some columns won’t load (at least, for me) at the new, improved, 110% more wingnutty Townhall, we bring you the pieces that Townhall doesn’t want you to see, such as the ones by VBen Shapiro and Kathleen Parker. Read on, if you dare!
Shorter John Stossel: “An illegal market that could save your life“
“Me ‘n Thomas Sowell and that woman born with three kidneys are setting up a kidney cartel. After all, the government isn’t the boss of us! Our little enterprise will not only help people with failing kidneys, but also poor, stupid people, since selling body parts offers a great way for the desperate to make a little cash. Plus, it’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.”
Excerpt:
Al Gore may think that it is moral that if he and enough others who agree with him can get elected, they get to make your decisions. But that way lies death, if you need a kidney — and deprivation if you need anything else he and his comrades don’t want you to have. There’s a better, truer morality: the morality of the Founders, who held it to be self-evident that each of us had the rights to life and liberty — that each of us owned, and had the right to strive to preserve and enjoy, our own life.Yes, acccept the morality of the Invisible Hand — any other way leads to DEATH!
Shorter Brent Bozell: ”The New Gay Times“
By co-sponsoring the Gay Games, the NY Times isn’t being fair and balanced towards homophobes.
Excerpt:
This month, The New York Times has taken another dramatic corporate step toward taking sides in America’s culture clash. The newspaper is a “global sponsor” of the seventh “Gay Games,” taking place in Chicago from July 15-22.What an outrage! Now, in order to be fair and balanced, the Times needs to sponsor events designed to augment the self-loathing of lesbians and gay men throughout the world, and to engender disrespect and hatred from the nongay world.
Yes, you read that correctly. The Gay Games.
Who would sponsor this stupidity? The New York Times is not alone; it is joined by other “objective” news outlets. The Chicago Sun-Times and WMAQ-TV, the local NBC-owned and operated affiliate, are also “global sponsors.” They share the Gay Games’ goals, to “foster and augment the self-respect of lesbians and gay men throughout the world and to engender respect and understanding from the nongay world.”
Got that, nongays? Whatever happened to “objective” media outlets at least pretending to avoid taking sides?
This is the essence of political correctness: It is better to violate openly your commitment to journalistic standards than assist the “bigots” by attempting to appear fair and neutral.Because if a paper supports the idea that homosexuals are people too, then they have violated their commitment to fairness, since journalistic ethics hold that one should treat evil just as evenhandedly as good.
Shorter Kathleen Parker: “Superman — or deadbeat dad?“
“I heard that Debbie Schlussel got a lot of attention for calling Lois Lane a slut. Well, I can do her one better — I’m calling Superman a deadbeat dad, and Richard White a dupe and a cuckold!”
Excerpt:
Superman’s son, one trusts, will manage to reconcile his confusing origins with Destiny, but his journey will be decidedly easier as long as White is willing to continue playing the castrated stooge — or the self-sacrificing nobleman, depending on one’s perspective.Next week: Debbie and Kathleen vie to see which one can first call the Virgin Mary a slut for having a child which wasn’t her husband’s.
It is probably impractical to wish for Lois Lane and her supernatural boyfriend to marry and allow White to avoid the inevitable humiliation of discovering that he’s been played. On the other hand, in a continuation of the Superman-as-Christ allegory, perhaps White is Joseph to Lois’s Mary.
Shorter Ben Shapiro: ” WHY CITIZENS MUST OWN AND CARRY FIREARMS“
“If I had a girlfriend, and some thugs tried to mess with us, I’d blow them away. Bam, bam, bam! And then she’d be all, “Oooh, Ben, you’re so manly! Have your way with me!” And then we’d get married and have the BEST SEX IN THE WORLD,
“Oh, and as I learned at Harvard Law, citizens must own and carry firearms, per the Founding Fathers.”
Excerpt:
The basis for every right in our Constitution is the right to self-preservation. […]And that’s why young Ben is buying his own surface-to-air missile, so that he can protect himself in case the seagulls go crazy, like in that Alfred Hitchcock movie. Ben Franklin came to VBen in his room and told him to (he also told Ben to start saving money, since his parents won’t give him a weekly allowance forever).
When a government seizes citizens’ ability to protect themselves, that government becomes a usurper. It is for this reason that the Second Amendment guarantees both the individual right to self-defense and the communal right to fight any deprivation of the right to self-defense.
Anyway, that’s all the Townhall I can take right now. In an hour, I have to take the kittens to the vet for their first shots, so I guess I should start rounding them up. What I could really use is a macho man with a gun, like Ben Shapiro, to help me with my task.
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