The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Friday, January 28, 2011

June 24, 2006 by s.z.

Yes, it’s time for the hot, new, cheap, summer reality show where contestants compete to become the next Kaye Grogan, Pastor Grant Swank, or, if they have the hubris to aspire to become the Ultimate Wingnut, Hindrocket.
Today’s contestants hail from ChronWatcha site which doesn’t get as much attention as your RenewAmerica or MICH News. But it’s a feisty up-and-comer that deserves to be spotlighted on a slow news day such as today.
Our first contestant is Gabriel Garnica, Esq, a lawyer, educator, and Latino conservative from Long Island.  For his dance routine, he will do a tango-for-one entitled  “Old Liberals Don’t Die: They Just Get What’s Coming to Them.” It’s about Dan Rather getting his comeuppance for being old, thus proving that the liberals, who control the media, are heartless bastards who eat the elderly; it’s also about how Ann Coulter is getting lots of media exposure lately, thus proving that she has triumphed over the liberals, and that conservatives are kinder, gentler points of light.  Or something.
It is only fitting that now CBS is doing to Rather what Rather has done to conservatives since he was playing with a rattle.  I have always said that liberals will use you until they do not need you, and then they will blow you off like a mosquito on their shoulder. 
I find that a rather odd thing to have always said, in that I have never heard anyone talk about blowing mosquitos off their shoulders.  But I guess Gabriel believes in using a handgun to deal with all of life’s inconveniences.
All too often we see liberals being reminded of just how trivial and insignificant they really are despite their self-perception as saviors of the world.  Every time a liberal finds out he or she is nothing but a speck in the universe the devil gets a headache.
Say, that’s a much more better saying than “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”!  I think it comes from the heart-warming classic film, It’s a Conservative Life, So Die, Liberal Scum!
If the plight of Rather and the triviality of Couric are not enough to bring a smile to conservatives, the sight of the road kill MSM under the wheels of Ann Coulter’s Godless locomotive should do the trick.  One gets the image of Al Franken, Jeanine Garofalo, Hillary Clinton, and Barbara Walters running in front of a truck ordering it to stop only to be obliterated in a cloud of smoke. 
Sure, Ann USED to smoke like a locomotive, but we have it on questionable authority that she’s quit!  (If you consider using 20 nicotine patches, 12 packs of nicotine gum, and several nicotine martinis every day to be going tobacco free.)
But we’re running out of time, Gabriel.  Can you wrap things up for us?
Conservatives are human beings and therefore we are vulnerable to losing sight of why we are here and not grilling burgers at Barbara Boxer’s house.  Moments in time like the present come once in a while to remind us of what we stand for, what we believe, what we do not stand for, and why liberals are twice as whatever they call us.
Thanks, Gabe.  That was great. You made a really good point about conservatives not really being evil space reptiles, and, um, grilling.
Our second contestant for today is Robert Klein Engler, “an adjunct professor at Roosevelt University in Chicago, and a versatile writer of op-ed articles, poetry, and philosophy.”  He also really, really hates immigrants.  His dance number is called “Why the Minute-Man Project is Important.”
The border between the United States and Mexico is flat and desolate along much of its 2,000 mile stretch.  There is hardly any place high enough to get above the terrain where you may look down and see the larger picture that makes up the panorama of illegal immigration.
Yes, that’s why our nation is having such a hard time coming up with immigration policy that everyone can agree on: because the land along the border is too flat to allow us to see the larger picture that makes up the panorama.
But it seems that we are out of time, so can you cut to the chase, Bob?
A real solution to the nation’s immigration problems will include deportation of illegal immigrants from the United States.  Good citizens will settle for nothing less.  The fact that neither the left nor the right, neither the socialists nor the capitalists, want deportation of illegals is a sure sign that deportation is part of the moderate solution.
Yes, when everybody hates something, it’s a sure sign that it’s the moderate solution, and therefore the right thing to do. 
Well, everybody except the Minutemen are against deportation, but the MM are, as Bob informs us, different from you and me. (“Members of The Minuteman Project are different. They occupy the high ground where there is very little high ground to be found.”)
Anyway, let’s all give Bob a big hand, because he can see panoramas (they’re everywhere)!
Now, vote for the contestant whom you think is wingnuttier, and eventually, if we feel like it, the winner may get invited back for another round of “So You Think You Can Wingnut?’  Or, just do your best Simon Cowell impression, and cut these wannabes down to size.

16 Responses to “So You Think You Can Wingnut?”

I know how it is with that “occupying the high ground” stuff. I used to live out where there were a lot of feed lots, and the folks who own those learned that you can make the bulls happier by having a little hill they can go stand on, where they think they’re protecting their herd. Every feed lot, therefore, would have a small hump of dirt in it somewhere, dotted with vigilant-looking bovines who believed they had the situation well in hand, never dreaming that they would one day be herded into the truck with all the other occupants of their fenced-in patch of soil.
So I guess Uncle Sam is making them some dirt piles down there by the border, where they can… well, you get the picture.
Well, they’re both wingnutty in their own special way, but Gabe has a “Kaye Grogan” quality about him, in that he rambles on and on about NOTHING. He concludes by saying “I know you are, but what am I?”(Okay, I’m paraphrasing.)
Oh, and he also gets bonus points for not knowing how to spell Janeane Garofolo’s first name.
Sounds like young Gabe is borrowing Fraulein Coulter’s clipped quippy style that’s a cross between Medusa and Jan Brady. You can picture him digging not too deep for yet another verbally turdish generalization.
At least their proud peevishness has an explanation besides chronic Do As We Say flatulence. Der fraulein is fuglier than usual without her addiction and Gabe must be sick of being taken for a Democrat.
Let’s hope he doesn’t hang around the wrong border, in the wrong clothing, with the wrong people. He may get a dose of irony in the form of faithless usury by brethren.
Of the two, I vote for the “exceptional” Garnica, Esq for beginning a sentence with “Conservatives are human beings.”
But if write-ins are acceptable, I nominate Chronwatch’s Matthew Holmes, who I suspect has been featured at WO’C before. Here he tries desperately to make jokes—equating something he considers boring with “a cure for insomnia” and “watching paint dry” in order to live up to the wit of his idol, the skanker sore herself, whose book he quotes at length and with whom he hopes his column “was persuasive enough to score me a date.”
This is the lovesick lad in question, tastefully attired.
May I suggest Kent G. Bailey, Ph.D as a write-in candidate? His piece, “Decline of the Warrior Male: Is Ann Coulter the Last of the “Real Men” on the Intellectual Right?” in Men’s News Daily breaks new ground in wingnuttery. For example:
In my various commentaries… I have argued that traditional American life, Christianity, and conservative ways of thinking were given up with little or no fight in the cultural revolution of the sixties as the warrior hawks of the left marched unopposed into the universities, law schools, the news and entertainment media, the churches, and every other important nook and cranny of our culture. The fact that these new brand of “warriors” were skinny nerds and dweebs with high IQs who could not whip my granny in a fistfight makes their complete and total victory even more puzzling. When the traditional American wears T-shirts that say “my country is for the taking” or “we whipped Hitler and there is no fight left in us” or “occupation of mind, body, and soul is really not that bad when you get used to it” can we blame the intellectual termites for invading our grand mansion of democracy?
Wow, s.z., I haven’t encountered this Garnica guy before. He wins this round hands down for “the devil gets a headache.” All-in-all a bold mixture of loopy metaphors and liberal insults, with a a bracing hint of paranoia and a heady bouquet of smoke and manure.
Robert Klein Engler is missing one of the “Ps” in the fabled “Triple P.” He’s got the poetry and the philosphy, but he forgot the pr0n0graphy! But that isn’t all he’s missing…
Given that his argument is so utterly stoopid (if the Left hates it, and the Right hates it, it’s gotta be good!), I believe what Robert Klein Engler is missing is a brain.
Gabriel Garnica was by far the wingnuttier of the two, with his general incoherence and dumb analogies. And, liberalsare in control of everything since the ’60s?!? Excuse me? Or, is he one of these far-right assholes that think everyone to the left of Senator Imhofe is a raging leftist? Sheesh.
Every time the right-wing siren howls another wingnut gets his horns.
Yep, Engler is a contender to watch, that whole ‘if everyone hates it, it must be moderate, and therefore, good’ schtick is really a fine example of wingnuttery.
But, I’m gonna have to go with Garnica. The mosquito and devil imagery was nice, but ‘grilling burgers at Barbara Boxer’s house’ really put the whole thing away, IMO.
BTW, I’m bringing pasta salad to Barb’s today, what are you bringing?
Sure, the devil may have a headache, but that’s only because he’s seen Ann smoke cigarettes… in a donkey show.
Oh, wow. I gotta go with Ortho Bob’s write-in. That’s some serious lunacy. The other two are just confusing metaphors with literal reality and/or muddling through some “Liberals are wimpy bleeding hearts who love terrorists and everybody else, when they’re not skinning each other alive and eating their marrow over insignificant policy disagreements” thing. Boring.
parsec: I love that pharase. I just wanted to tell you.
Point for Gabe, who seems to have based his entire column on wanting to share with the world a dream he had where Ann Coulter runs over people in her car. Of course, being a moral conservative type, he left off the rest of the dream, where she steps on his nuts with her stiletto heel and blows tobacco smoke up his ass.
“Moments in time like the present come once in a while to remind us of what we stand for, what we believe, what we do not stand for, and why liberals are twice as whatever they call us.”
I “interviewed” a lady (we called her the “Green Visor,” since she always wore a green eyeshade) in the ’60s who talked to her dead husband, & the above quote reminded me of something she said about Nixon:
“The things he doesn’t duz he doesn’t duz, and I don’t blame him for doz.”
The Green Visor makes a lot more sense than GG!
That first guy reminded me of a great “Brilliant Thought” postcard:
For every person who doesn’t understand me, there are millions who don’t even know I exist.
Engler is such a loser he couldn’t even win this contest.
What a racist fool.

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