Yes, it’s time for the hot, new, cheap, summer reality show where contestants compete to become the next Kaye Grogan, Pastor Grant Swank, or, if they have the hubris to aspire to become the Ultimate Wingnut, Hindrocket.
Today’s contestants hail from ChronWatch, a site which doesn’t get as much attention as your RenewAmerica or MICH News. But it’s a feisty up-and-comer that deserves to be spotlighted on a slow news day such as today.
Our first contestant is Gabriel Garnica, Esq, a lawyer, educator, and Latino conservative from Long Island. For his dance routine, he will do a tango-for-one entitled “Old Liberals Don’t Die: They Just Get What’s Coming to Them.” It’s about Dan Rather getting his comeuppance for being old, thus proving that the liberals, who control the media, are heartless bastards who eat the elderly; it’s also about how Ann Coulter is getting lots of media exposure lately, thus proving that she has triumphed over the liberals, and that conservatives are kinder, gentler points of light. Or something.
It is only fitting that now CBS is doing to Rather what Rather has done to conservatives since he was playing with a rattle. I have always said that liberals will use you until they do not need you, and then they will blow you off like a mosquito on their shoulder.
I find that a rather odd thing to have always said, in that I have never heard anyone talk about blowing mosquitos off their shoulders. But I guess Gabriel believes in using a handgun to deal with all of life’s inconveniences.
All too often we see liberals being reminded of just how trivial and insignificant they really are despite their self-perception as saviors of the world. Every time a liberal finds out he or she is nothing but a speck in the universe the devil gets a headache.
Say, that’s a much more better saying than “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”! I think it comes from the heart-warming classic film, It’s a Conservative Life, So Die, Liberal Scum!
If the plight of Rather and the triviality of Couric are not enough to bring a smile to conservatives, the sight of the road kill MSM under the wheels of Ann Coulter’s Godless locomotive should do the trick. One gets the image of Al Franken, Jeanine Garofalo, Hillary Clinton, and Barbara Walters running in front of a truck ordering it to stop only to be obliterated in a cloud of smoke.
Sure, Ann USED to smoke like a locomotive, but we have it on questionable authority that she’s quit! (If you consider using 20 nicotine patches, 12 packs of nicotine gum, and several nicotine martinis every day to be going tobacco free.)
But we’re running out of time, Gabriel. Can you wrap things up for us?
Conservatives are human beings and therefore we are vulnerable to losing sight of why we are here and not grilling burgers at Barbara Boxer’s house. Moments in time like the present come once in a while to remind us of what we stand for, what we believe, what we do not stand for, and why liberals are twice as whatever they call us.
Thanks, Gabe. That was great. You made a really good point about conservatives not really being evil space reptiles, and, um, grilling.
Our second contestant for today is Robert Klein Engler, “an adjunct professor at Roosevelt University in Chicago, and a versatile writer of op-ed articles, poetry, and philosophy.” He also really, really hates immigrants. His dance number is called “Why the Minute-Man Project is Important.”
The border between the United States and Mexico is flat and desolate along much of its 2,000 mile stretch. There is hardly any place high enough to get above the terrain where you may look down and see the larger picture that makes up the panorama of illegal immigration.
Yes, that’s why our nation is having such a hard time coming up with immigration policy that everyone can agree on: because the land along the border is too flat to allow us to see the larger picture that makes up the panorama.
But it seems that we are out of time, so can you cut to the chase, Bob?
A real solution to the nation’s immigration problems will include deportation of illegal immigrants from the United States. Good citizens will settle for nothing less. The fact that neither the left nor the right, neither the socialists nor the capitalists, want deportation of illegals is a sure sign that deportation is part of the moderate solution.
Yes, when everybody hates something, it’s a sure sign that it’s the moderate solution, and therefore the right thing to do.
Well, everybody except the Minutemen are against deportation, but the MM are, as Bob informs us, different from you and me. (“Members of The Minuteman Project are different. They occupy the high ground where there is very little high ground to be found.”)
Anyway, let’s all give Bob a big hand, because he can see panoramas (they’re everywhere)!
Now, vote for the contestant whom you think is wingnuttier, and eventually, if we feel like it, the winner may get invited back for another round of “So You Think You Can Wingnut?’ Or, just do your best Simon Cowell impression, and cut these wannabes down to size.
Posted by s.z. on Saturday, June 24th, 2006 at 8:27 pm.