Because I have kittens to feed and I need something to post, it’s time for a quick round of “Who Said It?”
And because YOU want to win a valuable prize, it’s time to start accumulating WSI points, which you might someday be able to trade for a cool merchandise, to possibly include a new car, a George Bush puppet I got at the Dollar Store, or a fluffy, adorable kitten.
So, let’s get down to business: the twist this round is that all our Mystery Speakers come from my NewsMax spam! (Some of the emails tout NewxMax articles, and some are shilling for NewsMax advertisers.) Now, put on your thinking caps and figure out who said the following:
1. HINT: This wingnut has a new book out — and apparently it’s a story about how nobody likes him anymore. (And it’s not because he’s a unpleasant crank now, it’s because liberals are big jerks.)
He abandoned his liberal perspective, became a libertarian � and paid a heavy price, he recently told NewsMax in an exclusive interview.
The mainstream media did not take kindly to [Mystery Guest's] political conversion, which occurred about 20 years ago.“They like me less,” he says with his familiar deadpan humor, adding, “Once I started applying the same skepticism to government, I stopped winning awards.”
Like a political Robinson Crusoe, [MG] inhabits his own island of intellectual thought. … The outspoken journalist says conservatives impress him with their willingness to still invite him to conferences. “But the liberals just say, �He’s icky,’ and don’t want to have anything to do with me,” he says.“Liberals have been so dominant in the mainstream media that they have grown fat, lazy and intolerant. Conservatives are happy to have someone in the mainstream media who will at least consider their ideas,” the newsman adds.
You now have all the clues you need: this Mystery Guest is a “libertarian,” inhabits his own intellectual island, and is icky.
2. HINT: This wingnut also has a new book out, and you can get it for just $4.99 from NewsMax!
“Would Jesus sanction a book that belittles and ridicules a large segment of the American population?” [MG] queried. “Yes,” adding that Jesus was faced with such outrages as the money changers in the Temple. [MG] added in familiar fashion that Jesus “was no panty waist.”
{Note: This quote is not a fictional one taken from Scott’s parody. It’s also not taken from Doug Giles’s latest book, “Dirty Harry Christianity.”)
3. This wingnut has a new book out too. Buy it or he will shoot you!
In The Global War on Your Guns, [Mystery Guest] tells the shocking truth-unfiltered by the national media-about the U.N.’s conspiracy to ban ALL firearms. That means your rifles, your shotguns and your handguns!
He’ll show you the frightening truth: that a future anti-gun president-say, President Hillary Clinton-has the power to bypass the needed two-thirds ratification by the U.S. Senate and turn this brazen assault on freedom into the law of our land.[MG] hones in on shameful U.N. hypocrisy where their cries for complete disarmament cover-up the real agenda: take away the one freedom that gives common men and women the ultimate power to defend their lives against dictators, genocidal governments and other criminals….Criminals that include U.N. peacekeepers and U.N. member nations!
Yes, Future President Hillary Clinton is plotting right now to take away your guns, just so that U.N. member nations can enter your home, rape your women, and kill you!
And that’s why you should not only buy this wingnut’s book, but also make large donations to his powerful lobbying group. Do it for the sake of the guns!
4. HINT: I guess this email didn’t actually come from NewsMax (but it could have).
Dear Republican,The Death Tax is killing America’s small businesses and family farms.
It’s a Death Tax that mates, then kills!
5. HINT: This politician holds a key post in the Homeland Security Committee, and so technically holds the power of life and death over you..
{MG] warned Thursday morning that unless [some anti-terrorism funding for New York City cut by Michael Chertoff is ] restored, he’ll launch an investigation into what he called “orgies” involving CIA agents at the Watergate hotel.
The New York GOP member then threatened: “So I am going to be investigating [Homeland Security] from top to bottom and one clear example is this whole scandal with [ex-]Congressman Duke Cunningham, which has now unfolded to include orgies at the Watergate hotel.”An angry [MG] vowed to blow the lid off the alleged scandal, saying it involves “prostitutes and booze and gambling and CIA agents.”
And the Bush twins doing laps dances in a hot tub with Tom DeLay, while Alberto Gonzales made out with Porter Goss! (At least, that’s the rumor I heard.)
6. HINT: This spam didn’t come from NewsMax either, but it’s just as shameless as anything coming from that outfit.
Don’t let the anti-Christmas crowd kick Christ out of Christmas this yearJune is not the time when we think of Christmas. But June is the time when retailers begin making their plans for Christmas promotions � store banners, newspaper ads, TV commercials, etc.Remember last Christmas when many national retailers banned the use of Merry Christmas and allowed only the use of Season’s Greetings or Happy Holidays or even winter holidays? Remember how some stores did not allow their employees to say “Merry Christmas” to their customers? Remember how Christmas trees were called Holiday trees?
Remember how Wal-Mart made the baby Jesus cry by not marketing his holiday as ruthlessly as they should have?
Remember how Bill O’Reilly was crucified on a giant candy cane for our sins?
Remember how little children were beaten mercilessly by feminist school teachers for possessing green and/or red napkins, and then forced to participate in Druidic homo nups?
If you remember all that, then you will want to sign this group’s petition, and join in their attempt to blackmail retailers into doing the group’s bidding.
We could be headed for another year when similar incidents occur, unless we let companies know right now that we will not accept the banning of Christmas in their promotions.Now is the time to let the retailers know that if they ban the use of the term Christmas, you will not be shopping with them during the Christmas season!
Also let them know that if they mention any other winter holidays in their advertising, you will throw a Santa head in their beds while they are sleeping.
Anyway, those are our mystery wingnuts. Gentlepeople, start your guessing!
19 Responses to “Start Collecting Your Kitten Points Now!”
#2 is a gimme
Well, I can’t guess all of them-I’m a little rusty on WSI? as it’s been awhile. But I think #1 is John “Looks like THE MASTER from Manos: Hands Of Fate” Stossel.
#1 is indeed John “Behold My Hypnotic Moustache” Stossel.
#2 is Ann Coulter, who’s over at MediaMatters being quoted as asking if she has to kill her mother so she can be a victim too, which is odd, since I assumed she’d eaten her way free from her mother’s womb years ago. It’s been a while since I’ve watched “Alien”, but I’m pretty sure that sort of thing is fatal.
#3 I’m pretending is Dr Mike, despite the fact that he hasn’t got the attention span to write a whole book, but maybe he made a grad student do it.
#4 could be either Satan or Grover Norquist, but we can split the difference.
#5, whoever he is, should try not to use phrases like “top to bottom” in reference to the Watergate hooker parties.
#6 sounds like John Gibson, trying to distract everybody from that whole creepy thing he has with the white babies.
#2 is Ann Coulter, who’s over at MediaMatters being quoted as asking if she has to kill her mother so she can be a victim too, which is odd, since I assumed she’d eaten her way free from her mother’s womb years ago. It’s been a while since I’ve watched “Alien”, but I’m pretty sure that sort of thing is fatal.
#3 I’m pretending is Dr Mike, despite the fact that he hasn’t got the attention span to write a whole book, but maybe he made a grad student do it.
#4 could be either Satan or Grover Norquist, but we can split the difference.
#5, whoever he is, should try not to use phrases like “top to bottom” in reference to the Watergate hooker parties.
#6 sounds like John Gibson, trying to distract everybody from that whole creepy thing he has with the white babies.
The outspoken journalist says conservatives impress him with their willingness to still invite him to conferences. �But the liberals just say, �He�s icky,� and don�t want to have anything to do with me,� he says.
If he’s trying to claim conservatives are tolerant of opposing viewpoints, he should try espousing a few and see just how quickly he becomes “icky” to right-wingers as well.
Of course, then NOBODY would like him. Perhaps he’d better stick with sucking up to them instead – particularly since he does it so well.
If he’s trying to claim conservatives are tolerant of opposing viewpoints, he should try espousing a few and see just how quickly he becomes “icky” to right-wingers as well.
Of course, then NOBODY would like him. Perhaps he’d better stick with sucking up to them instead – particularly since he does it so well.
1. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
2. Matt Drudge
3. The late Slobodan Milsoveic
4. Roberta, Sabina, Catherine, Moira, and Elizabeth Forbes
5. Clay Shaw/Bertrand
6. ze Jews
2. Matt Drudge
3. The late Slobodan Milsoveic
4. Roberta, Sabina, Catherine, Moira, and Elizabeth Forbes
5. Clay Shaw/Bertrand
6. ze Jews
#5 is US Representative Peter “The Amityville Congressman” King.
And what’s the deal with “banned”? Why does that word resonate so strongly with a group of people who’ve been banned nothing beyond PhisoHex, cyclamates, a handful of replaceable pesticides and slave ownership?
And what’s the deal with “banned”? Why does that word resonate so strongly with a group of people who’ve been banned nothing beyond PhisoHex, cyclamates, a handful of replaceable pesticides and slave ownership?
{MG] warned Thursday morning that unless [some anti-terrorism funding for New York City cut by Michael Chertoff is ] restored, he�ll launch an investigation into what he called �orgies� involving CIA agents at the Watergate hotel.
The New York GOP member then threatened: �So I am going to be investigating [Homeland Security] from top to bottom and one clear example is this whole scandal with [ex-]Congressman Duke Cunningham, which has now unfolded to include orgies at the Watergate hotel.�An angry [MG] vowed to blow the lid off the alleged scandal, saying it involves �prostitutes and booze and gambling and CIA agents.�
OK, if Rep. King actually went through with this, he’d be my #1 hero EVAR. I want to know all about them hookers.
The New York GOP member then threatened: �So I am going to be investigating [Homeland Security] from top to bottom and one clear example is this whole scandal with [ex-]Congressman Duke Cunningham, which has now unfolded to include orgies at the Watergate hotel.�An angry [MG] vowed to blow the lid off the alleged scandal, saying it involves �prostitutes and booze and gambling and CIA agents.�
OK, if Rep. King actually went through with this, he’d be my #1 hero EVAR. I want to know all about them hookers.
Druidic homo nups
Far left couples agree, Druidic homo nups have the best floral arrangements. Plus they have those cute little Stonehenges as centerpieces. Highly recommended!
Far left couples agree, Druidic homo nups have the best floral arrangements. Plus they have those cute little Stonehenges as centerpieces. Highly recommended!
�orgies� involving CIA agents at the Watergate hotel.
I volunteer to go undercover to expose this! My only regret is that I have only one life to etc, etc.
My only guess is #1 is Bernard Goldberg, though that’s probably wrong. Why can’t Dr. Mike write some books; I can spot him from a mile away.
And Druidic homo nups are so 90′s! No, give me Scythian any day!
I volunteer to go undercover to expose this! My only regret is that I have only one life to etc, etc.
My only guess is #1 is Bernard Goldberg, though that’s probably wrong. Why can’t Dr. Mike write some books; I can spot him from a mile away.
And Druidic homo nups are so 90′s! No, give me Scythian any day!
#4 could be either Satan or Grover Norquist, but we can split the difference.
If you can split the difference between Grover “Date Rape” Norquist and Satan, then you’ve got an impressively sharp and subtle knife.
If you can split the difference between Grover “Date Rape” Norquist and Satan, then you’ve got an impressively sharp and subtle knife.
I thought #1 was Stossel until I saw that “newsman” label. No one with the slightest integrity, even NewsMax, would call him that.
With all that scary “remembering” #6 is obviously some organization about to ask for bucks, and I’m guessing it’s not Hadassah. I’m not up on my Christian Nutjob Parasites but it’s gotta be some group associated with Dobson, Perkins, Wildmon, Robertson or Falwell. (Howzat for hedging bets?)
With all that scary “remembering” #6 is obviously some organization about to ask for bucks, and I’m guessing it’s not Hadassah. I’m not up on my Christian Nutjob Parasites but it’s gotta be some group associated with Dobson, Perkins, Wildmon, Robertson or Falwell. (Howzat for hedging bets?)
1. John “There’s no global warming cause I’m an expert” Stossel. (Hey John, you’re icky cause you’re just icky…live with it).
2. Ann Cunter
3. to shared by wingnuts to call
4. same as 3
5. Rep. Pete King
6. John “radioface” Gibson
2. Ann Cunter
3. to shared by wingnuts to call
4. same as 3
5. Rep. Pete King
6. John “radioface” Gibson
er…that should be “too shared”
they’re all mAnn Coulter, nice try, but the masculine pronoun didn’t throw me off for a second
I love the fact that John Stossel doesn’t get invited to liberal parties and thinks it is because of his politics rather than the fact that he still has yellow nacho cheese stuck in his mustache from yesterday’s trip to Taco Bell.
Ann Coulter didn’t eat her way out of the womb.
Glass test tubes aren’t edible.
Glass test tubes aren’t edible.
1. Friday, still mad at Robinson Crusoe for calling him icky. Friday’s conversion from liberalism occurred right after “Dragnet” ended.
2. The anti-Christ, still miffed at Jesus’s rudeness to his money-changers (thus the need to slander Jesus).
3. That character on “Star Trek: the next Generation” who was trying to sell the ultimate arsenal to Riker and Tasha Yar. (Thanks for the memories of Tasha Yar, she was the hottest butch ever!)
4. The Grim Reaper, trying to blame his grimness on taxes.
5. JimmyJeff GannonGuckert. How could those ingrates hold a hooker orgy and not invite him?!
6. Evil Santa, as played by Tim Allen at the North Pole Wal-Mart.
2. The anti-Christ, still miffed at Jesus’s rudeness to his money-changers (thus the need to slander Jesus).
3. That character on “Star Trek: the next Generation” who was trying to sell the ultimate arsenal to Riker and Tasha Yar. (Thanks for the memories of Tasha Yar, she was the hottest butch ever!)
4. The Grim Reaper, trying to blame his grimness on taxes.
5. JimmyJeff GannonGuckert. How could those ingrates hold a hooker orgy and not invite him?!
6. Evil Santa, as played by Tim Allen at the North Pole Wal-Mart.
#1 is John Fossil.
#2 Ann Coulter?
#2 Ann Coulter?
What makes MG #2 so rich is that Jesus’ wrath was directed at the historical equivalent of the Christian Right Wing. Pat Robertson would have loved being neighbors with a Pharisee.
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