The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 28, 2011

June 11, 2006 by s.z.

For those of you keeping score, here are the results of our recent “Who Said It?” contest. (This round was more difficult that most, because it required a thorough knowledge of NewsMax spam, which is an exceedingly narrow intellectual niche — and while I plan to obtain a Ph.D. in it, I can understand why some of you might not have the same fascination with it as I do.)
But on to the answers, winners, and smart alecks:
1. Everyone’s favorite “news man” John Stossel.
The first to name that fraud was Bill S.
And a style point goes out to Tara the anti-social social worker for her response:
1. Friday, still mad at Robinson Crusoe for calling him icky. Friday's conversion from liberalism occurred right after �Dragnet� ended
2. Everybody’s favorite “outspoken author,”Ann Coulter.
First to name that alien life form was D. Sidhe.
Style points to Pete, for guessing “Matt Drudge.” (Because we’ve always suspected that Ann is really just Matt done up in drag.)
And another point to Tara, for her response, “The anti-Christ, still miffed at Jesus's rudeness to his money-changers (thus the need to slander Jesus).”
3. Everybody’s favorite NRA Executive VP, Wayne La Pierre. Wayne is also the author of “The Global War on Your Guns: Inside the U.N. Plan to Destroy the Bill of Rights,” which is about how we must all band together and protect innocent, vulnerable guns Hillary Clinton, who is the REAL Damien Thorne.
Nobody got this one, so as a public service, here’s a little more from Wayne, courtesy of a recent NewsMax interview:
“George Soros is like a new toxin that is polluting American politics. These people consider themselves earthlings first and citizens of any other country second. They eat breakfast in London and dinner in New York and fly around the world in their jets.
“It is increasingly infecting American politics like a germ, and we are going to have to deal with it – including the national and international media.”
George Soros is the disease, guns are the flu vaccine! (Or however that tagline went.)
4. This was spam from everybody’s favorite Satanic affiliate, The Republican National Committee.
This was another one which nobody guessed correctly. I guess none of the rest of you received this missive from “David Rexrode, National Director of Coalitions,” which means that I really should have followed David’s instructions and forwarded his email to each of you. Darn.
But style points to Pete, for guessing “Roberta, Sabina, Catherine, Moira, and Elizabeth Forbes,” and to Tara, for her guess, “The Grim Reaper, trying to blame his grimness on taxes.”
5. Everybody’s favorite orgy prober, Peter King.
First to get this one was everyone’s favorite gunsel, Mr. Doghouse Riley. (Mr. Riley also gets a style point for giving King’s full identification, “US Representative Peter ‘The Amityville Congressman’ King.”)
And we think that Tara was close with her guess, “JimmyJeff GannonGuckert. How could those ingrates hold a hooker orgy and not invite him?!”
6. Everyone’s favorite band of Christmas warriors (and evil minded busybodies), Don Wildmon’s American Family Association.
First to name that bunch of whited sepulchers was R.Porrofatto (we do give credit for multiple choices).
I believe the person to get the most correct answers in one post (three) was King Spirula. Congrats to the King!
All of today’s winners get WSI points, which, as you know, can possibly someday be redeemed for fictional prizes, or one of the following BRAND NEW KITTENS:
1. Hoss, a sweet-tempered, very cute, extremely large, black-and-white kitten (who was formerly known as “GodzillaKitten,” until we got tired of that moniker).
2. Brad Kitt, a very handsome celebrity kitten who has markings similar to those of a blue point Siamese (but a stocky build and fluffy hair), and who thinks the world should revolve around him.
3. Runty, a plucky, brave, very cute, undersized gray-and-white tabby kitten with a lot of heart.
4. Squawky, a sweet-faced, very adorable tabby dictator kitten with a loud cry and a plan to RULE THE WORLD!
So, keep saving those points, and one of these hand-raised kittens could be yours!

5 Responses to “Lucky Kitten Point Winners!”

David Rexrode, National Director of Coalitions
Well, when we were writing our chapter on femmy action heroes of the 80s, I think we agreed that John Stamos’ character in NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE, “Lance Stargrove” was the winner of the Name That Sounds Most Like a Male Porn Star competition. But David Rexrode just wiped the floor with him.
I don’t actually deserve my point. Someone previous to me refrained from naming She Who Must Not Be Looked In The Eye, and, yes, it was a gimme even if I hadn’t been to MediaMatters earlier in the day.
And, since I have no friends or family or publicists or anything, I feel the need to make a random announcment here: Earlier today I finished folding fifteen thousand origami cranes in almost exactly two years. Of course, I still have forty thousand plus sheets of paper left, so it’s not like I’m going to stop. But fifteen thousand seems like a lot, and dammit, I want to brag. (And if anybody has any good ideas for organizations to which I could donate some cranes, let me know.)
Kitten points! Woohoo! This will make our cats happy, since we’re bringing home a lab/shepard puppy in a few days. (Do you think we can convince them it’s just a big cat? They don’t seem to be buying it with our 85-pound lab.)
D.Sidhe, if you fold a peace crane out of a page from Coulter’s book, does it spontaneously combust?
“I had an unusual ringside seat on the regulatory state as a television consumer reporter,” he explained. “I’m a little embarrassed about how long it took me to see the folly of most government intervention. It was probably 15 years before I really woke up to the fact that almost everything government attempts to do, it makes worse,” Stossel confesses.
“Top-down central planning is never as effective as free individuals making their own choices, because free individuals will adapt to reality every second, but the central planners can adapt only when they get together to vote.”
How dare government intervene by creating anti-discrimination laws!
How arrogant of government to try to regulate how much and what types of pollutents companies can discharge into the land, sea and air.
How out of touch for government to attempt to set standards for gas milage, when everyone knows that companies will do their best when it becomes necessary, at some distant furture time.
What fool would attempt to break the deal with the oil companies to consume as if there will be no tomorrow.
If people only realized that all that they need to care about is taking care of their own asses as best they can, because once one is dead who cares what destruction one has burdened the world with. People who exhibit a sense of responsibility to anything other than themselves are too naive’ to be taken seriously.
Altruism is an indication of profound ignorance, not self-sacrifice or agape as some of the entirely wrong would have people believe.
In a world where pragmatism is king, there are no heroes. All acts of bravery stem from a lack of ability to properly understand the world and one’s role in it.
It was not career or income that brought John Stossel to his newly enlightened state, it was the ideology, that he must lie about to report, that shrinks his brain and makes everyone feel ashamed for him.
I’m as big a fan of the estimable Doghouse as anybody, but I don’t think he’s a gunsel. You see, “gunsel,” contrary to popular belief, does not mean “hired gun” or somesuch, but rather is ’20s and ’30s slang for “homosexual paramour,” or precisely, a catamite.

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