Imagine if you will a network news program where the host believes that his obligation as a journalist is to place evil on the same footing as good (so that evil will stop complaining about how the media always favors good). Tonight on Media Twilight Zone, we will visit just such a program.
Yes, inspired by Ann Coulter’s recent appearance on NBC News (and many similar occurrences), Scott came up with this little eschatological drama, which is submitted for your approval.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Tim Russert: Thank you for joining us. Today on our panel we’re proud to have bestselling author and Constitutional expert Ann Coulter, and author and internet sensation Michelle Malkin. Our guest in studio this morning is Jesus Christ, leader of the Heavenly Host. Joining us by satellite is his opponent, Bob Satan, Chairman of the National Republican Committee for a New World Order, and author of the bestselling guides to conservative parenting, Fatherhood: of All Lies,and O-Me! O-My! O-Men! Raising Antichrists That Liberals Will Hate. He joins us from the Green Zone in Megiddo. Mr. Satan, thank you for being here.
Satan: Always a pleasure, Tim.
Russert: Mr. Satan, let’s start with you. Yesterday the New York Times reported that forces of the New World Order swept through a village, burned it to the ground, then decapitated every man, woman and child who lived there. They hung the victims by their heels until they were utterly desanguinated, then the soldiers made sausage from their blood and threw a large pancake breakfast while dogs and vultures feasted on the flesh of the innocent. This has caused some on Capitol Hill to question whether we have a clear strategy for victory. How would you respond?
Satan: Tim, this is just the Left’s way of saying, fine, let’s just cut and run. We shouldn’t even be in Armageddon, we shouldn’t even be fighting a battle to bring about the end of the world.
Russert: So you think this story is mostly partisan.
Satan: Absolutely! Look, this is war. We’re fighting an enemy that is determined to utterly destroy us and rule for a thousand years. If these allegations turn out to be true, then we may have a few bad apples in the barrel. But 99.9999% of our troops are doing a great job day after day, under incredibly difficult circumstances. And sometimes, in the stress of the moment, some of them may snap and make bloodwurst out of children. Can any of us honestly say that, given the same circumstances, we wouldn’t do the same thing?
Jesus: Yes! There are clear–
Satan: Well, look who’s casting the first stone.
Jesus: –clear rules of engagement design to prevent this kind of–
Russert: Mr. Christ, let him finish.
Satan: Look, the point is that there are lots of people who may have sincerely held beliefs about whether it’s appropriate to grind noncombatants into sausage, but I hardly think that Mr. Christ’s record entitles him to get holier than thou on the topic of children.
Jesus: That’s the most outrageous–
Russert: I’m sorry, we’ve got to take a break, but we’ll let you finish that thought when we come back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK. FADE BACK UP ON MTP STUDIO, WHERE TIM RUSSERT IS STRIPPED TO THE WAIST AND SCOURGING HIMSELF WITH A NAIL-STUDDED LEATHER PLAIT).
Russert: Thanks again for joining us on Meet the Press. Now, I want to get back to Jesus
Christ–
Jesus: Thank you, Tim. As I was–
Christ–
Jesus: Thank you, Tim. As I was–
Russert: What do you say to those people who claim you’re a pedophile?
Jesus: What?!
Russert: I’d like to play a soundbite from — Jimmy, do we have that? I think it’s at Mark 10:14?
(JESUS ON MONITOR: “Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of God.”)
Russert: Are those your words?
Jesus: Yes, but–
Russert: Now there are those who say you were clearly defending the North American Man-Boy Love Association with that statement.
Satan: Tim–
Jesus: No! Look, that was taken completely out of context!
Satan: Tim, the point is, liberals like Mr. Christ and the New York Times think we shouldn’t even be in Armageddon because we’re just there to defend Israel. That is a completely anti-Semitic attitude.
Russert: Mr. Christ, what do you say to accusations that you’re opposed to fighting a battle to bring about the end of all life on Earth because you’re an Anti-Semite?
Jesus: Well, first of all, I’d like to point out that I myself am Jewish–
Ann Coulter: Yeah! Just like George Soros. Another Jew who somehow figured out a way to avoid crucifixion.
Ann Coulter: Yeah! Just like George Soros. Another Jew who somehow figured out a way to avoid crucifixion.
Jesus: I WAS crucified! (DISPLAYS WOUNDS IN HANDS)
Michelle Malkin: Why don’t people ask him more specific questions about the nails in his hands and feet? There are legitimate questions about whether or not they were self-inflicted wounds.
Russert: What do you mean self-inflicted? Are you suggesting Mr. Christ crucified himself on purpose?
Michelle Malkin: Did you read the book by Barabbas and the Golgotha Veterans for Truth? Some of the thieves who were actually crucified have made allegations that these were self-inflicted wounds.
Jesus: I did not NAIL MYSELF to the cross!
Michelle Malkin: These are men who were there, and they were just TIED to their crosses–
Russert: So you’re saying he maybe used a nail gun? That he did this for sympathy, or publicity–?
Michelle Malkin: So there are doubts about whether or not it was nails or not. And I wish you would ask these questions of Jesus Christ instead of me.
Jesus: I would like a chance to respond–
Russert: We’ve got to go to a break, but we’ll come right back to you, I promise. When we return on Meet the Press.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK. FADE BACK UP ON MEET THE PRESS STUDIO. TIM IS DRINKING A CHALICE OF GOAT’S BLOOD AND LIGHTING A BLACK CANDLE).
Russert: We’re back with our guests, Bob Satan and Jesus Christ, and our panel Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter. Ann, I’d like to read you a statement by the Virgin Mary, Chairwoman of Mothers Against Armageddon–
Ann Coulter: Oh please. This broad is a millionaire, lionized on frescoes and in scripture about her, reveling in her status as a saint, and stalked by Madonna-parazzies. I have never seen a woman enjoying her son’s death so much.
Russert: Well, her statement — Jimmy, do we have–?
Ann Coulter: This is the left’s doctrine of infallibility. If they have a point to make about Armageddon, about how to fight the war on terrorism, how about sending in somebody we are allowed to respond to? No-No-No. We always have to respond to someone who lost her husband in the Apocalypse. Or some child of a soldier who died at Megiddo. Or some mother whose son died for our sins. God, I hate these bitches!
Jesus: I’d just like to–
Satan: Now I’m an old-fashioned guy. I believe in mothers, and family, and I think marriage is a sacred institution between one man and one woman for the begetting and raising of Anti-Christs. But my opponent seems to have a more casual view of it, since he married a prostitute.
Jesus: I did NOT!
Satan: Have you read the book?
Jesus: That was a novel!
Satan: Do you deny this story was widely printed?
Jesus: It was fiction!
Satan: Oh, I see. So 50 million people who read that book are all wrong, and you’re right. Tim, you see, this is why the people in this country don’t trust the media. This is a perfect example of the insulated, inside-the-beltway attitude of establishment liberals who are out of touch with everyday Americans.
Jesus: It was a NOVEL!
Russert: Yes, but he raises a good point about credibility. You position yourself as the Prince of Peace — I’d just like to play soundbite for you –
(JESUS ON MONITOR: “Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man?s enemies will be the members of his household.”)
Russert: Now there are some people who say that’s a very anti-family attitude.
Jesus: Look, you can’t just take Bible verses out of context and expect to–
Russet: I’m afraid we’re out of time. Satan, I’ll give you the last word.
Satan: Well, Tim, you and your kind will perish slowly, skinned alive then boiled in a cauldron of blood and urine until the meat falls from your bones, and your decayed and maggot-ridden flesh will be consumed by the Beast, and you will languish in torment in his belly for seven years, screaming all the while though you have no mouth –
Russert: Ha, ha! I’m afraid we’re going to have to end it there, just when things were getting good. Satan, always fun to have you on.
57 Responses to “Meet the Press in Hell”
Frist??? OMG, I must be the first because I’m on the other side of the pond. Scott, that was a thing of beauty. Made me choke on my brekkie laughing! Seriously funny stuff. Thanks!
Delicious and spot-on!
That was great, but, uh, did you mean for the funniest part to be “Bob Satan”, or am I just undermedicated again?
Scott, it wasn’t until Malkin spoke up that you hit your stride, but damn, that was some funny satire!
Oh…can I say “damn” in front of Mr. Christ?
Nicely done!
Oh. MY. (wait for it…) GAWD!!
If it wasn’t so close to the truth I wouldn’t be sitting here laughing my ass off while part of my reptilian brain hisses in recognition that this wee vignette is the way it really is.
Nicely done!
If it wasn’t so close to the truth I wouldn’t be sitting here laughing my ass off while part of my reptilian brain hisses in recognition that this wee vignette is the way it really is.
Nicely done!
Brilliant!
Is it too early to nominate this post for a Koufax Award?
Hahahahahahahahaha! And omitting any mention what-so-ever of the Clintons’ sex life made it even *more* Twilight Zoney!!!
ouch! That was a little too close to reality.
Excellent work!
Excellent work!
“Is it too early to nominate this post for a Koufax Award?”
Yes, but remember this for when the time comes, I will!
Yes, but remember this for when the time comes, I will!
Oh, f…That was brilliant. Beautiful. And take this as a compliment, but I imagined the whole thing played out in South Park animation.
Ann Coulter and Satan in the same room? How can that be?
“You position yourself as the Prince of Peace�I�d just like to play soundbite for you�”
Funny because it’s a great parody of �Press the Meat��that and it is a sad reflection of what happens on that show every Sunday….
Funny because it’s a great parody of �Press the Meat��that and it is a sad reflection of what happens on that show every Sunday….
May your server crash and burn (not really) from the weight of traffic to this most excellent of takedowns. Bravo!!!
meet the press in hell
Meet the Press in Hell….
Meet the Press in Hell….
Meet the Press goes to Hell
If you’re as tired of he said/she said journalism as many of us are, you’ll appreciate this:Tim Russert: Thank you for joining us. Today on our panel we?re proud to have bestselling author and Constitutional expert Ann Coulter, and author…
If you’re as tired of he said/she said journalism as many of us are, you’ll appreciate this:Tim Russert: Thank you for joining us. Today on our panel we?re proud to have bestselling author and Constitutional expert Ann Coulter, and author…
Excellent…this was among the best parodies I’ve seen lately, and the quantity of real quotes is just staggering.
Nice work – keep it up.
Nice work – keep it up.
Wicked Good Stuff! Keep it up indeed!
BTW, if someone familiar with the real quotes involved (not counting the Russert segues) has the time, I’d love to see a listing of which of these quotes are real (maybe a link to your site?)…
Bravo!!!
BTW, if someone familiar with the real quotes involved (not counting the Russert segues) has the time, I’d love to see a listing of which of these quotes are real (maybe a link to your site?)…
Bravo!!!
Ann Coulter and Satan in the same room? How can that be?
careful use of the 2 camera system and bluescreen technology
careful use of the 2 camera system and bluescreen technology
That was the best laugh I’ve had today!
Thanks!
Thanks!
Very nice.
I don’t understand how people can stand to watch those shows in real life.
This version is hilarious, though.
I don’t understand how people can stand to watch those shows in real life.
This version is hilarious, though.
[...] Courtesy of World O’ Crap Productions starring Tim Russert, Jesus Christ (Leader of the Heavenly Hosts), Bob Satan (Chairman of the Republican Committee for a New World Order), Ann Coulter (Constitutional expert), and Michelle Malkin (internet sensation). [...]
That�was�superb! I�m emailing a copy to Bob right now. We may even erect some kind of golden statue in your honor.
[...] A transcript from World O’Crap, with Tim Russert and panelists Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Satan (“Call me Bob”) and Jesus Christ. A taste: Russert: Mr. Christ, what do you say to accusations that you’re opposed to fighting a battle to bring about the end of all life on Earth because you’re an Anti-Semite? [...]
[...] A priceless transcript from World O’Crap, with Tim Russert and panelists Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Satan (“Call me Bob”) and Jesus Christ. A taste: Russert: Mr. Christ, what do you say to accusations that you’re opposed to fighting a battle to bring about the end of all life on Earth because you’re an Anti-Semite? [...]
[...] While poor Seb was reduced to hiring an untalented hack like me, the lovely and snarkerific Ms S.Z. of World O’Crap went out and hired my non-union Mexican equivalent, Scott, who does five time the work I do, and is ten times as funny: Russert: Mr. Christ, what do you say to accusations that you�re opposed to fighting a battle to bring about the end of all life on Earth because you�re an Anti-Semite? [...]
Hi Tim
Thanks for inviting me on to the show the other night – I think it was a fruitful discussion that let viewers know just where we all stand.
I think you should know that my contacts in the Black House tell me that Christ only got the crucifixion gig anyway because his mother worked undercover for Herod. You might like to use that tip in your next report.
see ya in Hell!
Bob
Thanks for inviting me on to the show the other night – I think it was a fruitful discussion that let viewers know just where we all stand.
I think you should know that my contacts in the Black House tell me that Christ only got the crucifixion gig anyway because his mother worked undercover for Herod. You might like to use that tip in your next report.
see ya in Hell!
Bob
[...] I’ve always thought that the best way to deal with idiots like Ann Coulter is to make fun of them. But you have to do it well, and the vast majority of left-wing political bloggers are way too shrill, earnest, and overly-emotional about what they write to be funny. This, on the other hand, is very funny indeed. Other posts by Cheryl Morgan [...]
OMFG! Too funny! Well done! Yeppers, this one’s going on my list for Koufax.
More quick hits.
Indie or mentally challenged? Meet the Press in Hell The Church of Not Getting It. Arlen Specter sucks. Absolutely sucks. And here are the Democrats that ought to be punished. Groovy, one-room, self-contained hotel. “Three elderly people spen[t] three…
Indie or mentally challenged? Meet the Press in Hell The Church of Not Getting It. Arlen Specter sucks. Absolutely sucks. And here are the Democrats that ought to be punished. Groovy, one-room, self-contained hotel. “Three elderly people spen[t] three…
To the Editors:
wow, you really did a great job of swiping an advance transcript!
When does it air on Fox?
wow, you really did a great job of swiping an advance transcript!
When does it air on Fox?
All persons expressing these views are
sick in the head, either on drugs or just
evil minded bastards, self important egotists who will thrive in Hell. They
can leave the Earth and never be missed
and leave no legacy here for having lived!
sick in the head, either on drugs or just
evil minded bastards, self important egotists who will thrive in Hell. They
can leave the Earth and never be missed
and leave no legacy here for having lived!
[...] Russert: Mr. Christ, let him finish. [...]
So Satan is real.
Who knew?
Who knew?
Boze moj! People have been sent away for erm …re:education fow WAY less you know!
Just so you know, you’ve been linked to the Yakima Gulag Literary Gazett
Just so you know, you’ve been linked to the Yakima Gulag Literary Gazett
What night was that show. I think I missed it?
[...] Meet the Press … in Hell. Tim Russert: We’re back with our guests, Bob Satan and Jesus Christ, and our panel Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter. Ann, I’d like to read you a statement by the Virgin Mary, Chairwoman of Mothers Against Armageddon— [...]
“We may even erect some kind of golden statue in your honor.” A nice golden calf sounds good.
Sorry, folks.
This wasn’t funny, wasn’t clever… it was just plain dull… as were the responses.
The uproar surrounding Coulter’s book… well, she’s got something to say.
You dopes… well outside of the great religion of wise-ass Cartman, you haven’t got shit to say.
Start over from scratch. Pull your heads out of your asses.
This wasn’t funny, wasn’t clever… it was just plain dull… as were the responses.
The uproar surrounding Coulter’s book… well, she’s got something to say.
You dopes… well outside of the great religion of wise-ass Cartman, you haven’t got shit to say.
Start over from scratch. Pull your heads out of your asses.
[...] Following Ann Coulter’s appearance this week on NBC’s Today, a transcript of Meet the Press in Hell from World O’ Crap, worthy of South Park: Russert: Mr. Christ, what do you say to accusations that you�re opposed to fighting a battle to bring about the end of all life on Earth because you�re an anti-Semite? [...]
[...] � Meet the Press in Hell Imagine if you will a network news program where the host believes that his obligation as a journalist is to place evil on the same footing as good (so that evil will stop complaining about how the media always favors good). [...]
Bwahahaha.
Puts me in mind of an exchange in Itamar Moses’s latest playCelebrity Row. A prison tutor, in an imagined conversation with Ted Kaczynski, Tim McVeigh, gang leader Luis Felipe and WTC bomber Ramzi Yousef, says as she directs the conversation from one topic to another, “I love this–it’s like the McLaughlin Group in Hell.”
Yousef responds, “Where do you think they film real McLaughlin Group?”
Puts me in mind of an exchange in Itamar Moses’s latest playCelebrity Row. A prison tutor, in an imagined conversation with Ted Kaczynski, Tim McVeigh, gang leader Luis Felipe and WTC bomber Ramzi Yousef, says as she directs the conversation from one topic to another, “I love this–it’s like the McLaughlin Group in Hell.”
Yousef responds, “Where do you think they film real McLaughlin Group?”
Hakim Sana’i
Nice Day… sitting outside, we witnessed a Crow Riot (lots of beatings handed out between different groups) A Blue Heron hanging out in our trees, then taking off… and a multitude of Bees all over the Blackber
Nice Day… sitting outside, we witnessed a Crow Riot (lots of beatings handed out between different groups) A Blue Heron hanging out in our trees, then taking off… and a multitude of Bees all over the Blackber
[...] From World O’ Crap comes this eschatological fantasy: Satan, Jesus, Ann Coulter, and the Virgin Mary, all interviewed by Tim Russert. Via MetaFilter. Speaking of Ann Coulter, the same site has a fine explanation of how the blonde hellspawn manages to keep looking so youthful and refreshed. Link. [...]
[...] � Meet the Press in Hell (tags: media politics religion amusements) [...]
You liberals always portray our side as “enemies of the people.” If your own minds were not so biased by far-left outfits like the New York Times, you would realize that Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin and, yes, Satan, are the only ones patriotic enough to defend our country against terrorists like Saddam Hussein — and Christ.
[...] http://world-o-crap.com/blog/?p=42 [...]
[...] Seeing as items on the Internets have a shelf-life of only a couple hours, this is an oldie but a goodie. Russet: I�m afraid we�re out of time. Satan, I�ll give you the last word. [...]
Oh, mYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyy! Jesus, Satan, Tim russert and Anne Coulter!! What a combination!
This gave me smiles on Monday so thanks!
This gave me smiles on Monday so thanks!
[...] World-O-Crap [...]
[...] Meet the Press in Hell Tim Russert moderates Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Satan, and Jesus H. Christ. (tags: politics news religion humor) [...]
[...] Meet The Press in Hell Russert: We�re back with our guests, Bob Satan and Jesus Christ, and our panel Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter. Ann, I�d like to read you a statement by the Virgin Mary, Chairwoman of Mothers Against Armageddon� [...]
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OMG!!! I’m so happy I stumbled on to this web site! I laughed until the cheap pinot grigio I was drinking shot out my nose! Keep up the good work, Scott!
See ya in Hades!
Well, to paraphrase Mr. Twain, Heaven for the weather, Hell for the company…
See ya in Hades!
Well, to paraphrase Mr. Twain, Heaven for the weather, Hell for the company…
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