The World O' Crap Archive

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Friday, January 28, 2011

June 15, 2006 by s.z.

We haven’t done one of these for a while, mostly because science has found that one can achieve the same effect as reading a dozen Townhall columns in a much shorter time by banging one’s head against the wall. But hey, I already have Advil coursing through my bloodstream in an effort to combat the other aches and pains, so let’s see what’s up with those wacky folks at Townhall.
  • 1. Ben Shapiro, “Daily Kos-Mania”

  • Gist of Column: Women find Markos Moulitsas of “Daily Kos” sexy, and it really steams Ben clams!
    Sample Paragraphs:
    The left has found its newest sex symbol. His name is Markos Moulitsas, and he’s the founder of the eponymous Daily Kos, a popular radical liberal blog garnering thousands of visitors each day.
    Moulitsas may indeed be a cross between Cobain and Guevara as far as the Democratic Party goes: He’s a thuggish radical revolutionary who may end up blowing away the Democratic Party, shotgun style. Astonishingly, the Democrats continue to grin as Moulitsas pulls the trigger.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Most women (and men) find this particular combination of jealousy and humorlessness to be very unattractive, and so Ben is never going to get laid at this rate.
  • Gist of Column: Stossel really hates the government. He is probably a Commie, or something.
    He also hates the environment. I attribute this to a lack of parental love in his childhood. However, it might just be that his evil mustache is in the pay of the pollution industry, and it keeps whispering anti-environment propaganda in John’s ear while he sleeps.
    Sample Paragraphs:
    Media coverage of environmental regulators makes them look like dispassionate scientists. But too often they are dangerous religious fanatics.
    Years ago, when ranchers and farmers told me that our government’s environmental regulatory agencies had been captured by fanatics so hostile to the idea of private property that they’d use the endangered-species law to drive just about every landowner off his land, I thought they were overwrought. Then I learned the story of the lynx.
    In government, the zealots eventually take over.
    What You Should Take From This Piece:
    Stossel is really, REALLY behind the times.
    As you may recall, the Moonie Times broke “Lynx-gate” in 2001. The gist of this conspiracy theory is that Federal Wildlife biologists planted the hair of rare lynxes in the Cascade mountains so that the Endangered Species Act would close off federal land to the public, and confiscate private property. Of course, it turned out that the biologists hadn’t planted any fake lynx fur, they had just included some blind samples of lynx hairs to be tested by the Forest Service’s DNA lab, because they had (justified) doubts about the lab’s reliability. And more importantly, it would have taken a lot more evidence that just some lynx hair to change any land policy.
    As FAIR said, “In truth, the existence of lynx would have to be verified by live trapping and other measures before any changes in management would take place, a process that could take years. Even the proven presence of lynx would not close the forests; recreation and even logging goes on in forests inhabited by lynx. But presenting such facts does not serve the conspiratorial storyline. ”
    So Stossel is not just a untruthful hack, he’s a sadly behind-the-times tool. But that’s no reason not to buy his latest book!
    Or is it . . . ?

  • 3. Michelle Malkin, “American troops in shackles”
    Gist of Column: Saying that American soldiers may have killed innocent civilians is worse than killing innocent civilians.
    [Oh, and you might also find it interesting to learn that Michelle, who had nothing but approval when the military imprisoned that Muslim chaplain for months without charges, and who never apologized for calling him a spy and a traitor even after the case against him fell apart due to lack of evidence, is now is preaching the principle of "innocent until proven guilty," and feels that the ACLU should fight the Code of Military Justice which allows servicemen to be held while investigations are being conducted.]
    Sample Paragraphs:
    Did you know there are seven young Marines and a Navy corpsman sitting in a military brig right now in leg and wrist shackles — despite the fact that they’ve not been charged with any crime? [...] These men — our men — may be innocent. They may be guilty. Charges may or may not be filed this week. But this much is certain: The media leaks and the Murtha-fication of the case are already taking a heavy toll on the troops and their families.
    Perhaps if our troops proclaimed themselves “conscientious objectors” and converted to Islam, they might start getting some sympathy.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Michelle is trying really hard, but she just can’t compete with Ann Coulter.

  • 4. Ann Coulter, “Party of rapist proud to be godless”
    Gist of Column: Apparently Ann has written a book. Who knew she could read, let alone write?
    Sample Paragraphs:
    Second, let’s pause for a moment to observe that two facts are now universally accepted: Liberals are godless and Hillary’s husband is a rapist.
    My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I’ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS. Apparently, everybody’s cool with that. The fact that liberals are godless is not even a controversial point anymore.
    In addition to the consensus position that liberals are godless, no one has made a peep about that swipe I took at Hillary, proposing that she have a chat with her husband before accusing others of being “mean” to women in light of Juanita Broaddrick’s charge that Bill Clinton raped her. Hillary beat a hasty retreat on her chubby little legs and is now hiding behind Rahm “Don’t Touch My Tutu” Emanuel.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Ann will say anything for attention, no matter how stupid and loathsome it makes her appear. This becomes especially evident when she has a book to sell.
    You know, if everyone ignored her, I bet she’d melt into a pile of disgusting goo, much like another wicked witch.

  • 5. Jonah Goldberg, Al Gore’s horror theater

  • Gist of Column: Al Gore indirectly compared global warming to the Holocaust (“In his 1992 book Earth in the Balance, he wrote that ‘today the evidence of an ecological Kristallnacht is as clear as the sound of glass shattering in Berlin.” He repeatedly refers to the unfolding ecological holocaust”), and Jonah gets all pissy about it.
    Sample Paragraphs:
    [W]e must ask: Why on Earth aren’t these people denouncing the movie “Cars”? [...] Surely a film that teaches young children to love cars is a great moral crime given the supposed moral stakes. Similarly, why isn’t Gore – or anybody else in the Democratic Party – denouncing NASCAR? If global warming is the moral equivalent of the Holocaust, aren’t NASCAR races the moral equivalent of corporate-sponsored, televised neo-Nazi rallies?
    I know I’ll hear from all sorts of angry readers for taking Gore’s position to the extreme. But this has it backwards. I’m merely taking Gore’s extreme position seriously. We have lots of debates over the factual soundness of environmental extremism but nearly none on the moral soundness of environmental extremism. Once you compare a problem to the Holocaust – even remotely – you’ve lost your moral wiggle room. No politician, indeed no responsible person in this country, would endorse a comedic cartoon about genocide, never mind take their kids to it.
    Um, but there was that “Itchy and Scratchy” cartoon entitled “Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors,” but some so-called responsible people still endorse “The Simpsons,” as far as I know.
    What You Should Take From This Piece: Jonah was really reaching for an issue to be outraged about this week.
    Oh, and he’s never going to get laid either.
  • Bonus Gary Aldrich quote:
    [Could Hillary be elected to the presidency?] The sad answer could be yes�when you consider that 50% of us don�t even vote while another significant percentage admit they vote based solely on a politician�s looks.
    Also, a large portion of young voters in 2008 would have been a mere 10 years old when oral sex became our national obsession. Assuming most parents shooed those youngsters away from the living room then and considering our schools won�t teach the truth about Clinton�they�re too busy fumbling around with cucumbers and condoms�there�s little chance these young voters know anything approaching the truth about Bill and Hill.
    Yes, if Hillary becomes President, it will be mainly because today’s young students aren’t forced to read the Starr Report in sex-ed class, and so are sadly unaware that nobody ever had oral sex before Bill Clinton invented the practice.

  • Okay, that’s all the Townhall I can handle, despite all the Advil in my system. And besides, I have a kiten orphanage to run, and those damned kittens keep demanding more gruel. But I think I’ve made my point (whatever that point might be).

    40 Responses to “Townhall Review”

    Since I don’t post on the dKos, I’m risking nothing by saying that Markos is a little… odd looking. I’m not necessarily saying he’s ugly or anything, it’s hard to put my finger on it, but the proportions of his face are off, somehow. But it’s not like I’m ruthlessly mocking him for his imperfection(s)–I’m at least as odd looking as he is, though in a more easily quantifiably way. So, what’s my verdict? Well, he has a sexy voice. His appearance is markedly improved when he’s got a great, big smile going (this being true of most people). And I do have an enormous fetish for latino guys. So, yeah, I’d do him. Geeze, I’m such a slut!
    And why does mAnn Coulter think calling me “godless” insults me somehow? I’m a stinking Atheist! “Godlessness” kinda comes with the territory! In fact, it’s really atheism’s greatest appeal. Of course, I realize that mAnn’d little rant isn’t really directed at me–it’s aimed both at the Rethuglicans’ funnymentalist base (look-the libs are godless! *gasp!*) and at insulting the religious left (and or trying to sow the seeds of internal strife in the left between the religious and the non-religious). Well, nice try, mAnn, but neither of those things is a “universally held” belief–not even amongst the right wing. ‘Course, mAnn is so supremely self-centered that she thinks anything she believes is some “universally” held opinion. What’s that catch-phrase again? Oh, yeah: Sadly, No!
    Just as clarification–I’m certainly not suggesting that Kos would sleep with me, even if he were really drunk and horny. I was addressing a hypothetical question, which never in a million years could come to pass. Mainly because within the next hundred years, both Kos and I will probably kick the bucket, at which point, hopefully, I won’t obsess about sex quite so much. Ahem.
    “In addition to the consensus position that liberals are godless, no one has made a peep about the swipe I took at Hillary…”
    Annie, Annie, Annie…the reason nobody’s raising a fuss about your book is because they STOPPED GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING YOU SAY. Your shtick is as worn-out, tired and haggard as your pussy must be.
    Why is it whenever I read Jonah’s stuff, I always get the feeling Lucienne shagged the principal (like Alma Gump) to get him in a non-special school?
    Hee hee. It really does bug Ann when nobody gives a shit about what she’s saying, doesn’t it?
    By the way, who taught Jonah Goldberg how to write? Because you owe everyone in the world BIG TIME, whoever you are.
    How can they be continually outraged about nothing? Oh well, at least it might lead to an early death. Because that cannot be healthy to be so mad all of the time.
    marq, I’m 47 and still obsess about sex. The obsession doesn’t end just because you’re a man of a certain age.
    I am NOT middle aged goddamn it. I’m a 17 year old trapped in a 47 year old body.
    Appropriately, the Odds:
    1. Lord a’mighty, I’m getting so old I’m beginning to feel sorry for young Ben. Not for his social life which, together with the dismal outlook for its future, is entirely deserved. But somebody, please, get this kid an education at some point. Or some physical exercise. Really. Time is running out. Ana Marie Cox and Maureen Dowd are “the Left”?
    And obligatory “Ben ‘inexplicably’ parrots the right-wing fantasies of his parents” moment: “card-carrying socialists”. Again, this kid was born during Ronald Reagan’s reelection campaign.There’s a greater chance of Ben being filmed in a three-way than of him ever seeing or hearing from a socialist.
    3. It appears than Malkins has never even read the 5th Amendment, which specifically exempts military personnel. It isn’t even a question of misinterpreting legal precedent. And I like how the prisoners have ended up being “shackled 23 hours a day” based on the fact that they’re shackled when brought into the visitation area. That’s rigor.
    5. Let’s imagine for a moment that instead of being a professional load, Jonah were a trumpeter. Could anyone then explain how he’d been releasing albums for over ten years without ever hitting a single note?
    Okay, I have a migraine and can barely tolerate the existence of these people (I don’t know how you do it, S.Z., Advil wouldn’t make a dent in your standard Ann Coulter diatribe), but the Stossel thing, as usual, demands response.
    FAIR notes that Stossel has lied about this lynx thing before, been caught, and had the whole thing publicly explained to him. He’s got no excuse for continuing to lie about it.
    Even the evil-moustache thing (and I’m so glad I’m not the only person who gets, as the Tick had it, “That Moustache Feeling” when I look at him) is only half a reason, and not at all an excuse.
    merlallen, that is indeed the question. As far as I can tell, they *like* being angry. I tend to only read stuff like Townhall when I think it’ll get me to “amazed and bemused at the display of bathos and bad grammar”. It’s admittedly a fine line, and pretty often even a roundup like this accomplishes “astonished disgust”.
    Marq, I think Markos has a baby face–”cute” but not “sexy”. Either that, or I’m just getting really, really old.
    And, Ann, here’s a hint: Just because you SAY SOMETHING and you don’t acknowledge people contradicting you, that doesn’t mean what you say is TRUE.
    I mean, HELLO! Ann, you’ve been regularly called a pre-op transexual preying mantisoid who eats her mates and bathes in the blood of Republican virgins. And you haven’t contradicted it!
    Oh my god. Somebody get Ben Shapiro to the garlic-and-crosses safe house! Quick!
    Ben is never going to get laid at this rate.
    As opposed to his normal ugly lunatic rantings which were sure to get him serviced by Pam Atlas and maybe Ann Coulter, two women of suspect gender?
    C’mon guys, attacking Ann Coulter’s gender is like saying it’s ok to use the n word with some black people if you dislike them enough.
    Coulter’s dilemma is that she makes her living by being outrageous, which means she has to keep pushing the envelope further and further so that people will continue to pay attention to her. Inevitably, people who do that must end up pushing too far and going down in flames. She appears to be on the cusp of that stage now.
    I think you’ve hit on VBen’s strategy for remaining a virgin. His combination of jeolousy and humorlessness is where he hids from the scary and gross sex thing that makes him whimper when he even thinks about it.
    I’d like to see a Malkin/Coulter co-interview. Their need to out-shriek each other could easily result in a “Scanners” like explosion. And that would be really bitchin.
    And John “whiny-ass titty-baby” Stossel knows as much about the environment as Ben Shapiro knows about vaginas.
    Boo, you’ve hit Ann’s strategy right on the head.
    On Leno last night, she obviously knew that the flap about her reprehensible statements toward the 9/11 widows was blowing over, and kept trying to jump-start the Godless tripe. Saying that she couldn’t comprehend why nobody was up in arms about being called godelss- she would be.
    But taking her shtick to the eventual conclusion, ultimately she will be publishing books that comprise a series of howls, jabbers, and screeches while interspersing recognizable nouns like ‘Liberals’, “Clinton” or ‘Homosexual’
    Some maintain that she has already reached this point.
    “Gist of Column: Apparently Ann has written a book. Who knew she could read, let alone write?”
    Actually she can’t do either. I suspect her ‘book’ (using that term loosely as any object consisting of ink on pages sold to the public) was simply dictated to some cringing sub of hers, while she was on a 72 hour meth binge.
    “A large portion of young voters in 2008 would have been a mere 10 years old when oral sex became our national obsession.”
    BECAME!!!! Sweet G_D where did this nit-wit grow-up? Oral sex has always been an obsession. Imbecile. And I always thought that the whole point of the Starr Report and impeachment was to “think of the children.” Now Aldrich is complaining because parents did that.
    The amusing thing is that Snitchens has a new column out, claiming that fellatio is the All American Sex Act, since AT LEAST the 50′s.
    Man, I wish these wingnuts would just coordinate or something.
    Hey, Marq, I’d do Markos for a cup of coffee and cab fare home, which, as I’m sure you know, is also the going rate for Stossel’s soul…times two.
    “You know, if everyone ignored her, I bet she�d melt into a pile of disgusting goo, much like another wicked witch.”
    Too late!
    My computer hates me, apparently.
    Anyway, Boo, I think you’re right about Coulter’s strategy–but I think she’ll be around a while longer.
    Personally, I hope that whether she hangs around or goes down in flames we can tie her around the necks of the GOP. They made her. They use her. They should *not* be allowed to distance themselves from her so easily now that she’s offended more voters than usual.
    And temporary costello, I find it amusing also that she thinks it’s a good insult. Me, I’m a pagan. I got dozens of gods. The other liberals in my home are heathens, no gods at all. I kinda respect that, and all the moreso when people like Wildmon are engaged in their demented shrieking about all things sinful.
    In regard to Coulter: mAnn or womAnn?, I agree that it’s really quite irrelevant whether she’s a she-male, a woman, or a extremely large, vaguely-humanoid insect. It doesn’t matter. It’s her loathsome personality that accounts for the widespread disgust with her, and deservedly so.
    My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I�ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS.
    Shorter Ann:
    Hey! What’s wrong with you people?! Why aren’t you taking thebait?!
    Now I’m totally curious to know what would transpire at a Coulter-Malkin- X (Matalin, O’Beirne, Parker…?) panel discussion. With no men panelists. We already know that Coulter places a lot of value on being one of the “pretty girls” (per her short-lived Democratic convention coverage), so I’d want to keep things relatively even in terms of perceived attractiveness. I’d be really curious to see how each of them – being so typically wingnutty in their non-stop outrage and anger – would play off the others.
    Yup. Ann Coulter’s career is over. When someone writes “Hello! Anyone there?” in the middle of a column, they’ve stopped trying.
    I mean, she used to be scary. What happened?
    It’s no surprise Stossel is recycling an old revealed falsehood. He can still sell it somewhere.
    I’ve been hanging out in another country for the last three weeks where I don’t speak the language and I haven’t really had much time to be on the internet. You know, I had actually forgotten how totally insane these people are. Actually, I had forgotten that these loons even existed.
    It says a lot about the sheltered life Virgin Ben leads that he finds the somewhat diminutive and, yes, baby-faced Markos “thuggish.”
    And I do think Markos is a hottie (albeit a short, cute one).
    Not to pick nits, but how is “Daily Kos” eponymous for Markos?
    Since Ben’s not going to get laid, he could at least develop some language skills.
    merlallen Says:
    June 15th, 2006 at 8:58 am
    marq, I�m 47 and still obsess about sex. The obsession doesn�t end just because you�re a man of a certain age.
    I am NOT middle aged goddamn it. I�m a 17 year old trapped in a 47 year old body.

    My 17 year old trying chewing his way out, but I used rebar across the duodenum and that sucker is TRAPPED.
    And I STILL crave sex!
    Gotta give Ben a break for phoning it in. What with all the unending pornography research required for the “Porn Generation” sequels he’s got his hands full.
    I suspect it doesn’t fill even one of his hands.
    My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I�ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS.
    This IS satire, right? Right?
    She sounds like an anorexic howler monkey. Someone throw her a banana before she starts flinging feces. Oh, wait…
    Shorter Virgin Ben:
    The party was shitty! And they didn’t invite me!
    (Pouts, retreats to comic-book and Ann Coulter action figure-strewn room, shuts door. Sound of racking sobs.)
    Oh, I got rebar.
    Virgin Ben: Yawn. Index finger and thumb in L-shape to forehead.
    Stossel: Yawn! Indifference. I wonder if that’s Hitler’s mustache transplanted?
    Frau Malkin: Really loud yawn with a bit of an arm stretch.
    The Connecticut Gorgon: Ho-hum and a shrug.
    Lucianne’s Unaborted Fetus: What did he say his name was?
    Isn’t it far past the point where these five professional and personal mediocrities are prodded back to oblivion where they deserve to be?
    Not one of them has had an original thought or a spasm of decency in years. Can we just stick the fork in them?
    Oh. My. God.
    Is my first comment in this thread possibly the source or one of the sources of Instatwit’s “people are speculating that Markos is gay” bullshit? ‘Cos I wasn’t!! really wasn’t! God, I hate Glen Reynolds!! In any event, if Instahack was in any way misusing a comment of mine to attack Kos, I sincerely apologize to Kos and hoist my middle finger in Insta-analwart’s general direction.
    Not that there;d be anything wrong with Kos being gay, mind you. It’s just that he isn’t, and that was totally not the point of my original comment.

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