While doing other stuff (cleaning the kitchen, ministering to injured cat, feeding the dogs, sticking head in oven), I happened to catch most of yesterday’s “Hannity & Whoever.” It wasn’t as full of wingnutty goodness as CNN’s Glenn Beck show, which featured Glenn telling a designated Mexican that he didn’t appreciate invited guests peeing in his living room (which was apparently a metaphor of some sort, possibly about high gas prices). But it did offer two scions of influential conservative families peddling their lame-o books.
The main thing I got out of the interview was that Mr. Podhoretz has gained a lot of weight since he posed for that photo which TBogglikes so much. (Apparently, JPod is on the the same diet as Rush Limbaugh: you know, the one that allows you to have a shake for breakfast, a couple of pizzas and a whole cow for lunch, and a sensible small town for dinner.)
But we should probably take the high road, and ignore John’s appearance to instead focus on his words — except that it would be kinder to just make fat jokes about Mr. Podhoretz, since he came across as the kind of buffoon whom even Sean Hannity can count as his intellectual inferior. (But in case you’re interested, the gist of JPod’s message in this interview was: “Help, Mom, There’s a Hillary Clinton Under My Bed.”)
So, instead of speculating about what Midge and Norman think about the depths to which their only son has sunk, let’s read some of what John’s publisher has to say about his latest book:
It�s the ultimate nightmare scenario for conservatives: to awaken on the morning of November 5, 2008, to the news that the last swing state has been colored bright blue and Hillary Rodham Clinton is the President-elect of the United States.
I remember that ep (“The Ultimate Nightmare Scenario”) from the old “Outer Limits” series. It’s the one where Robert Culp volunteers to be surgically transformed into a scary alien in order to unite all the people of earth. Interestly enough, that seems to be the gist of JPod’s plan too: scare the troops with the spectre of a scary Hillary Clinton which he made himself, in order to unite the Republicans. (And if his book were to be made into an old-school “Outer Limits” ep, JPod could guest star as a grotesque alien from a heavy-gravity planet, and it might be kind of cool.)
But here are the details of his exciting ten-point plan:
After shaking Republicans out of their complacency, Podhoretz lays out the precise strategy conservatives must deploy to stop Hillary dead in her tracks. His groundbreaking ten-point plan of action reveals:
� How to expose the real, ultraliberal Hillary
Let’s just say that Ashton punks her good.
� How to “smoke her out” and prevent her from hiding on key issues
� How to make her denounce popular Republican programs�and defend unpopular liberal ideas
Challenge her to a game of “Truth or Dare” while you and the boys smoke cheap cigars,
� How to use her Senate seat as a weapon against her
MacGyver pops in to demonstrate this one. He then makes a bird feeder out of some suet, a couple of raisins, and a couple of strands of hair from a hairbrush — but in an ironic plot twist, Midge Decter gets it confused with her son, and takes it home to cherish and belittle.
� How to overcome the Republican Party�s own problems
I’m not sure if JPod’s plan involves a Stalineque purge of most of the Party’s leadership, or a craftier deal with Satan.
� Whom the Republicans should nominate (and the choice may surprise you)
Since Ronald Reagan is dead, you may indeed be surprised at JPod’s recommended candidate.
Conservatives can�t avoid the Hillary problem any longer, or else the nation will be forced to endure another Clinton in the White House.
Another four or more years of prosperity? NOOOO!
Fortunately, John Podhoretz is here with the detailed blueprint that will spare the country from that disastrous turn of events, in a book as puckishly lively as it is sobering
Yes, fortunately John “Puckishly Lively” Podhoretz has saved humanity once again. Or rather, he will save us, if only we will heed his words, and follow his ten-step plan. Tell your friends! Keep watching the Pod!
Anyway, the other featured middle-aged conservative trading on her family name was our favorite li’l sell-out, Mary Cheney. The main thing I learned from her “Hannity & Nonentity” appearance was that she bears a really unfortunate resemblance to her father. (The fact that she’s a woman makes her plight all the more tragic.)
But once again, we should take the higher road and discuss her words instead of her appearance. And her message is : “I hate it that the only reason anybody pays any attention to me is because I am the Vice President’s lesbian daughter. So, I wrote a book telling what it’s like to be a lesbian whose father is the Vice President.”
We’ll talk more about her book later, but I need to get some sleep first, because, frankly, her tome is pretty boring. (Shorter version: “My daddy is the bestest daddy in the world. And stop paying attention to me because I am Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, and instead pay attention to me because, um, I work at AOL.”
He [Dick Cheney] also taught you to hunt?
My dad and I go hunting a couple of times a year for pheasant and quail.
Who bags more?
That is the source of constant father-daughter competition.
Yes, just spend the morning thinking about the constant father-daughter competition between Mary and her dad about who can bag the most elderly lawyers, and I’ll get back to you soon.
UPDATE FROM SCOTT C:
There’s been some curiosity about the title of this post. A bit of philological spadework reveals that s.z. was writing in the North British Dialect, and as many wordsmiths who have aped the Poet Burns can attest, such an enterprise can aft gang aglay.
Posted by s.z. on Wednesday, May 10th, 2006 at 5:23 am.
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