The World O' Crap Archive

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Friday, January 28, 2011

June 8, 2006 by scott

In his LA Times column today, Jonah Goldberg channels the alpha lesbian from an early 70s Women in Prison picture (usually played by Pam Grier and invariably named "Cat") and slaps Canada around in the shower until it slides down the tiles and huddles at his feet, sniveling under the tepid spray.
A few years ago I wrote a cover story for National Review with the subtle and nuanced title, “Bomb Canada: The Case for War.” It caused quite a stir up there. My argument at the time was that Canada needed to be slapped out of its delusions and forced to stand up for itself in ways other than the Potemkin courage it shows in “standing up” to the United States.
This is the part where he grabs Canada's hair and yanks its head back and sneers, "Your ass is MINE, bitch! Who do you think runs this place? The guards? The warden? Ha! One word from me and you'll be dead before you can scream. (STROKES CANADA'S CHEEK). Or maybe I'll just Cut that pretty face of yours up!”
Had I thought of it at the time, maybe I should have had American bombers stand down and suggested instead that Islamic terrorists plot to behead the Canadian prime minister and blow up a few important buildings.
"And then, maybe I should have had one of those Obedience Collars put on all the women in Canada, just like that Star Trek episode, The Gamesters of Triskelion, and then they'd have to do whatever I say!"
Remember when "public intellectuals" were rather dull to read, producing dense, prolix monographs droning on about the Dialectic of Enlightenment or The Anti-Capitalist Mentality? It seemed like being an intellectual was a lot of work for both author and audience back then; but nowadays all you have to do is fantasize about bitch-slapping a Mountie and suddenly you're Edmund Burke. And yet, today’s thinkers manage to be just as dull to read, even though they drop twice as many Simpsons references as John Kenneth Galbraith. Anyway, Jonah changes his underwear, turns off his VHS of Famous Ta-Tas cued up to the Angelique Pettyjohn scenes, and tells us why he wouldn't go out with Canada even if it begged.
Canada is arguably the most deluded industrialized nation in the world. Because elite Canadians think the U.S. is the font of the world’s problems, they think being different than the U.S. and sucking up to the United Nations will buy them grace on the cheap.
Ah, there's the obligatory UN-trashing paragraph. Apparently Jonah let Ken Mehlman fill out his MadLibs again.
They’ve bravely contributed to the war in Afghanistan, where 2,300 troops still serve, but refused to join the effort in Iraq, believing that jihadists would honor such fine distinctions. That was awfully nice of them. Too bad nice has nothing to do with it.
Soooo...Canada joined the U.S. in ousting the Taliban and their colleagues, the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11. But then we decided to invade an entirely different country that didn’t attack us, resulting in a military quagmire, the constant hemorrhaging of blood and treasure, and a continuing series of war crimes that have left us an international pariah, and they passed on the chance to join us!
Poor, deluded bastards.
The presence of a profoundly evil, homegrown terror cell in Canada has understandably provoked a lot of soul-searching to our north. As one Canadian editorial put it: “We are Canada, peacekeepers to the world, everybody’s nice guy. Who would want to harm us, and why?”
I couldn't actually find this quote through Google, aside from its appearance in Jonah's column, but even if no one said it, someoneshould’ve said it, because it nicely props up Jonah’s strawman.
Or as Audrey Macklin, a University of Toronto law professor, confessed to the L.A. Times
…under TORTURE!
Canadians “picture themselves as being thought of as nicer than the United States.” Why on earth would terrorists want to hurt a “nice” country? Well, for starters, nice isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The frog who carried the scorpion on his back in Aesop’s fable was nice. It didn’t make the scorpion’s sting any less poisonous.
So the Canadians were attacked because they were "too nice." Just like the naive, innocent girl who's wrongfully convicted of a crime, then sent to prison where she's preyed on by lesbian inmates, pawed by sadistic matrons, and exploited by a corrupt warden, Canada was attacked because it was weak, and exposed its soft underbelly to a ravening predator. Except Canada wasn't actually attacked; it detected and interdicted a plot by would-be terrorists before there was any loss of life. We, on the other hand, were attacked, even though we're notnice. So I guess the moral of this particular Aesop fable is: It's better to be nice and competent, rather than mean and stupid.
Indeed, there’s good reason to believe that niceness is part of the problem, not the solution� The Danish cartoon controversy was a perfect example of appeasement. A host of Western leaders indulged jihadist outbursts and threats to behead cartoonists and journalists by denouncing, in Bill Clinton’s words, “these totally outrageous cartoons against Islam.” Sen. John Kerry joined in the moral equivalence: “These and other inflammatory images deserve our scorn, just as the violence against embassies and military installations are an unacceptable and intolerable form of protest.” And French President Jacques Chirac tut-tutted that “anything liable to offend the beliefs of others, particularly religious beliefs, must be avoided.”
Where do politicians get off denouncing art just because it might bruise somebody's precious little religious sensitivities? That's the kind of niceness that'll get us all killed!
Guiliani has threatened to withdraw the Brooklyn Museum of Art’s annual $7m grant from the city over the Sensation exhibition, which has already appeared in London and Berlin.
He took particular offence to Mr Ofili’s The Holy Virgin Mary, which depicts Mary with dark skin, African features and flowing robes. It also features elephant dung and cut-outs from pornographic magazines.
Pat Buchanan, who had served as President Reagan�s communication director for two years (urging the president, among other things, to �stand tall� at the SS-cemetery in Bitburg and in opposition to economic sanctions against South Africa), was the first to identify the campaign against �The Last Temptation� with a larger jihad: The battle over the film represented �one more skirmish in the century�s struggle over whose values, whose beliefs shall be exalted in American culture, and whose may be derided and disparaged.� In his syndicated July 27 column, Buchanan compared the movie to �The Protocols of the Elders of Zion� and accused Hollywood of �assaulting the Christian community in a way it would never dare assault the black community, the Jewish community or the gay community.�
Meanwhile, back at Jonah’s Original Red-Hot Ricochet Strawman Barbecue:
In Canada, the retreat into denial was instantaneous. At the news conference announcing the arrests, officials said the alleged plotters came from “a variety of backgrounds”
Whereas we all know that every Muslim terrorist is cloned from a rib taken from Osama bin Laden. Haven't you people ever seen The Boys From Brazil??
In a meeting with Muslim leaders the day after the news conference, Toronto’s chief of police reportedly boasted that the government never mentioned the alleged terrorists’ religion.
“Canadian Muslims absolutely condemn an act of violence or threat of violence,” Muhammad Alam, president of the Islamic Foundation of Toronto, told a joint news conference in Toronto on Sunday afternoon.
“This is not about religion or faith,” but about political and social situations around the world, he said.
Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair agreed, saying the accused were motivated by an ideology based on politics and violence, not by faith. “This is not the action of the Muslim community.”
Meanwhile, in a meeting with his mother, Lucianne Goldberg, Jonah reportedly asked for an increase in his allowance, but she said he'd only use it to buy Hostess Ding Dongs and Star Trek action figures from the Franklin Mint, and declined.
Well, isn’t that sweet. I’m sure the next time Islamists set out to chop off lawmakers’ heads or murder the staff of the Canadian Broadcasting Co., they’ll keep in mind how nice you were about all this.
Let's also keep in mind that when some nutjobs plotted to pull off a terrorist outrage in Canada, the local authorities rolled them up in a sting operation before they could touch match to fuse:
“Sources say investigators who had learned of the group’s alleged plan to build a bomb were controlling the sale and transport of the massive amount of fertilizer, a key component in creating explosives. Once the deal was done, the RCMP-led anti-terrorism task force moved in for the arrests.”
When a group of more experienced nutjobs with a resume full of successful terrorist assaults plotted to attack inside the U.S., the authorities informed the President, who promptly went on vacation to his ranch in Texas.
Me, I've never been to Crawford. But I hear it's nice.
On the topic of Canada’s terror masterminds, Doghouse Reillytakes a fire extinguisher to Lileks’ Wicker Man bonfire, and cites him for use of an open flame and question begging without a permit. Mr. Reilly also points out the following in comments:
The overripe juvenile hooligans in Canada called off the plan to behead Harper because they didn't know their way around Ottowa. A landowner actually came out and told these guys to get off his lawn!
This suggests that a more effective counter-insurgency strategy would be to promptly withdraw our troops from Iraq, and dispatch cranky old men with garden hoses. Even if it didn’t prevent civil war, it would at least keep those dang smoochers off our property.


Is there any way we could talk the RCMP into trying a little of that extraordinary rendition stuff on Jonah? Afterwards, they could stick him in a cell with Adam Yoshida, which would work out well up there, what with gay marriage being legal and all. (Admit it, they’d make a fantastic couple.)
Crap on a crap cracker. I guess Jonah’s just mad that Coulter’s stealing his ass-thunder this week, and the race is on to see who’s the most obnoxious buffoon on the planet.
Can you imagine what their kids would be like? …You know, if they wouldn’t eat them upon birth? (Naturally, with Coulter being the man and Jonah being the, uh, bottom, such a mating is nigh-impossible, but still.)
Yikes! Just what I need this early in the morning:
an image of Jonah & Adam together.
then an image of Jonah and Adam’s-Apple Annie together.
Well just for that: picture Jonah, Adam, and Annie in a hot-tub orgy threesome!
“They�ve bravely contributed to the war in Afghanistan, where 2,300 troops still serve, but refused to join the effort in Iraq, believing that jihadists would honor such fine distinctions. That was awfully nice of them. Too bad nice has nothing to do with it.”
Come again? Because Canada attacked the country where the terrorists were, but not the one where they weren’t, they thought the terrorists wouldn’t mind? What the fuck is he on about?
What he’s on about is being a five year old fantasizing about playing war:
“Had I thought of it at the time, maybe I should have had American bombers stand down and suggested instead that Islamic terrorists plot to behead the Canadian prime minister and blow up a few important buildings.”
I had no idea Jonah was CinC of Strategic Bomber Command.
Wow. Never have I been so simultaneously proud (to be Canadian) and disgusted (with Jonah Goldberg). Does he really think the wars in Afganistan and Iraq are about the same thing? Well, I guess that’s what they pay him for.
Wow. I mean, talk about repressed sexual feelings! I bet he got this way visiting Niagara Falls and realizing how small his dick really is…
Nice smackdown. I couldn’t believe such nasty idiocy was printed in the LAT. Good job on getting over the disbelief and slicing up his “argument”.
At least this clears things up for me.
Terrorists hate the US for its freedom.
Terrorists hate Canada for its niceness.
How dare those bastards hang on to their values while we bravely abandon the Geneva Convention!
Ted- Jonah’s got it wrong. Terrorists hate Canade because all the cities are so clean, and terrorists like dirt.
Velcome! I am Ilsa…er, I mean Jonah, she-volf of ze Vingnuts! Please you to meet my lethal lesbian guards!
It’s times like this that I take pride in the fact that one of my parents was born in Winnipeg.
I seem to recall those “public intellectuals” were at least required to gather “facts” about issues before spouting off about them. The overripe juvenile hooligans in Canada called off the plan to behead Harper because they didn’t know their way around Ottowa. A landowner actually came out and told these guys to get off his lawn! Some international terrorist ring. It’s as if my plans to show Sabrina Ferilli the most erotic night of sweat-soaked passion she’s ever known makes me an international love god.
“The overripe juvenile hooligans in Canada called off the plan to behead Harper because they didn�t know their way around Ottowa.”
This is even sadder if you know Ottawa. It’s not a very big town and there are many, many buses that will take you to either the Parliament buildings of the Prime Minister’s residence.
Yeah, Jonah Goldberg is a moran, whatever. What is really impressive in this post is the pitch-perfect dialog from the chick prison movie. You must have a whole collection of those things. On Betamax perhaps?
Moron. Goldberg is a morOn. I’m obviously the morAn. Which has something to do with spelling.
I think Jonah G. is quite creative…not his fault he’s not too well informed.
keep those dang smoochers off our property.
If you tell me this is a reference Attack of the the Eye Creatures this will be my new favorite blog.
reference to
oh, it’s a total reference to Attack of the the Eye Creatures. msties and bad movie affectionados, one and all here.
Doghouse, you’re not an international love god? Damn.
Scott, “public intellectuals”….huh?
Scott, �public intellectuals��.huh?
Well, the way I see it, there’s intellectuals, and then there’s public intellectuals, just like there’s the toilet in your house, and then there’s a public toilet. Jonah’s basically the latter.
I suspect most people prefer the comfort, cleanliness, and abundant reading material of their own bathroom at home, but they’ll step over the used syringes and ritually-defaced porn magazines and use the subway toilet if, say, they got some bad souvlaki from a street cart. Likewise, most people would prefer to read thinkers who, as Mr. Reilly remarks, bother to gather “facts” before setting quill to foolscap. But if you have no opinions of your own and you desperately need one right this instant, you can always put a quarter in the stall door and use the NRO.
Doghouse, you�re not an international love god? Damn.
Depends who you ask.
“Hey, you gee-hadis! Yeah, you, with the big-ass fertilizer bomb and the beheadin’ machete! Git offn’ mah lawn!!1! That’s right, git the hell off! Right now! Y’see this here shotgun? Well, it’s a-loaded up with rock salt, sos unless ya wannna be picking that crap outta yer asses for the next week-or-so, ya better vamoose! Ya have ’til the count of three! 
If you tell me this is a reference Attack of the the Eye Creatures this will be my new favorite blog.
What, the Angelique Pettyjohn reference wasn’t enough for you?
Tough crowd….
I didn’t get the Angelique Pettyjohn reference. Should I?
Scott and DSidhe, Thanks for clearing that up for me!
But what are smoochers doing in Iraq?????
Goldberg’s the go-to guy if you want to know what College Frat-Boy Republicans are saying at their Support the Troops keggers, with just the level of fact-challenged, talk-radio sub-intellectualism you’d expect. Never disappoints. The LA Times should be truly ashamed.
Doghouse, being deliberately ill-informed about such things, I didn’t know who Sabrina Ferilli was prior to your comment. I was therefore compelled to perform an image search, purely for research of course, in order to comprehend your meaning behind “sweat-soaked passion.” It was very informative in that regard.
bill s, i will find you. and then i will pay you back for that image. count on it.
i will pay you back by giving you the most annoying orange cat EVAR!!11
bill s, what’s your address? i’m tired of looking already. i’ll have to mail you this pain in the ass cat. i mean, extremely cute loveable kitten.
But, but that Canadian action was the result of good intelligence and police work. How’re they ever going to defeat terrorism until they learn to drop bombs and wave their dicks at the bad guys?
parsec Says:
June 10th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
But, but that Canadian action was the result of good intelligence and police work. How�re they ever going to defeat terrorism until they learn to drop bombs and wave their dicks at the bad guys?

I tried that last bit in Niagara Falls. I still have an outstanding warrant…
I didn�t know who Sabrina Ferilli was prior to your comment
Yeah, she’s unknown elsewhere but I’m actually Italian. There was a mixup at the hospital.
Umm, just saw this little bit of boasting. Writing as a Canadian (no really, born in Winnipeg, largely raised in Montreal, current resident of Edmonton), I’ve got to say to Mr. “raised quite a stir up there” that you could easily roam the streets of any Canadian city, and ask 10,000 citizens in each as to who “Jonah Goldberg” is, and be greeted with a blank stare. Unless you caught the one in ten thousand like me, whereupon you’d just get a spit towards the side of the road.
Jonah Comes off a bit like the guy who talks smack about how he’d totally beat the shit out of his lamer boss, dude, if he didn’t really need the money. But man, as soon as my band hits big I’m totally gonna tell that fucker off.
On the other hand, usually impotant rage guy has a reason for hating his boss, like he got busted for smoking dope in the breakroom or something.
Canada hasn’t really done anything to us, so in that way Jonah’s more like the a school-yard bully; Canada’s wearing coke-bottle glasses and has a dumb haircut, so they deserve to be beat up. Plus, they totally think they’re better then us. I didn’t hear them say it, but you just know it’s what they’re thinking.
And he gets paid for this! Somehow schoolyard bullies have become the new intellectuals. It’s pathetic.
[...] Jonah Goldberg, stupidest man on Earth = The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man [...]

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