The World O' Crap Archive

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Friday, January 28, 2011

May 31, 2006 by scott

From Tuesday?s LA Times:
Invoking the memory of more than 270 service members buried at Arlington National Cemetery who have died in combat since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, President Bush vowed Monday to honor them by ?completing the mission for which they gave their lives.?
Finally, the President is making sense. It?s clear that the only way to truly honor those who have died in Iraq is to make sure they?ve got plenty of company at Arlington. Basically, Bush feels about American troops the same way Jay Leno feels about Doritos: ?Go ahead and kill ?em. We?ll make more.?
Patriots all over the blogosphere heave a sigh of relief, for it?s obvious from his remarks that the President isn?t considering a withdrawal, redeployment, or even a graduated drawdown of our military presence in the Middle East. And thank goodness. After all, from the neo-con perspective, we don?t need an exit strategy, since it was hard enough to get into Iraq in the first place. Bill Clinton wouldn?t let them in, no matter how nicely they dressed or how hard Paul Wolfowitz flirted with him, and it was just sheer luck that Bush was working the door that one night and Condi had really cute shoes on and we were able to slip past the velvet rope and set up a provisional government while the manager was in the back stairwell doing some blow. Therefore, to withdraw from Iraq now would be imprudent if not catastrophic, unless we first got our hand stamped.
As Jonah Goldberg, Rich Lowry, Max Boot and other latter day Sun Tzus have pointed out, the problem isn?t that we?re losing the war in Iraq, the problem is that America doesn?t believe the people who keep telling us that we?re not losing the war in Iraq. In other words, the issue isn?t product performance, it?s spokesmodel credibility.
Which brings us back to Doritos and our honored dead. In the beginning, the Iraq War was every bit as popular as Mini Cool Ranch Flavored Tortilla Chips, because like Jay Leno, the American public found President Bush affable, unassuming, and trustworthy (and because nobody accused you of being a Fifth Column in the Clash of Civilizations if you pointed out that Doritos have a lot of saturated fat, and you?d rather just have some Triscuits, or maybe a Rykrisp). Nowadays, Bush?s approval ratings dangle in the mid-30s, while the public increasingly views the invasion of Iraq as a mistake, and the ensuing low intensity conflict as a quagmire. Clearly, the manifold challenges facing the U.S. military in Iraq?tribal and ethnic rivalries, irreconcilable religious conflicts, the influence of regional powers with goals antithetical to our own, and insufficient resources to prosecute a successful counter-insurgency strategy?means that we must gird our loins, summon up the blood, and solve this problem in the traditional American way: through advertising.
Again, let?s look to Doritos for our inspiration. In the beginning, Frito-Lay?s corn-based snack items were promoted by NAFTA entrepreneurThe Frito Bandito. Eventually, after a highly successful career as a TV pitchman, the Frito Bandito noticed that he was a racist stereotype filched from the last reel of Treasure of the Sierra Madre, and retired. Enter Jay Leno. Eventually, after a highly successful stint hawking artery-occluding junk food, he noticed that his lantern jaw awakened racial memories of the bloody struggle between Cro-Magnon humans and Ice Age Neanderthals, and he went back to making jokes about Clinton?s schlong.
So if we can replace current spokesmodel George W. Bush with someone more sincere, the war will immediately become popular again, and people like Jeff Goldstein and the Powerline boys can calm down and replace their current shrillness with their former smugness. But who can America turn to in this dark hour to restore hope and faith in George Bush’s war? Well, to us the new candidate is obvious:
Dick Cheney.
After all, fat, balding white men are the most trustworthy people on the planet. Remember Walter Cronkite? He was the most trusted man in America. And what about Wilford Brimley? Didn?t that wrinkled, jowly face and walrus mustache make you want to rise at the crack of dawn and shovel down dehydrated oatmeal? Of course it did, and Dick has all the same qualities. In fact, if Quaker Oats had half the brains President Bush has, they could have enjoyed Dick?s services all through the 1980s, since he was just a congressman, and once you?ve voted against Head Start, against a resolution calling for the release of Nelson Mandela, and against establishing a holiday to honor Martin Luther King, your afternoon is pretty much free. Anyway, we think it would have gone a little something like this?
Quaker Bloats
(In the interest of full disclosure, some people have pointed out that Dick Cheney has an 18% approval rating, while Wilfred Brimley has 2478 friends on MySpace, and apparently so far hasn?t shot any of them in the face.)


Have you noticed? The Quaker Oats guy and Dick both have the SAME SMIRK?! What if it’s the same guy?!! What if Dick is Immortal like that german nazi guy from Hellboy?!
Just wanted to say that I love you – your site – and your fabulous snark!
As an attorney for Quaker Oats, Inc. I regret to inform you that my client will be seeking damages in excess of $3 million for your cavalier association of Mr. Dick “Smirk” Cheney and our until-recently well-loved product. Although I will confirm that Malt-O-Meal is in its last throes.
Of course, you realize that this means Cheney could, if you will, be the Thing.
Okay, that was pretty damned funny. (Though I should note that it’s “its” on your poster there.)
Actually, I always kinda liked Atta Turk’s assessment that Cheney looks like a badger. It’s the snarl. It just screams “Come closer if you dare–not you, Lucienne.”
I have read your blog for a couple of months now, and I have to confess a certain amount of jealousy…I wish I could write half as well as you can! Humor me and tell me that today’s post took hours and days of hard thought and lots of revisions, OK?
Thank you for a great blog!
Come on, why is it so hard for everybody to face the truth? Dick Cheney is not balding. He’s BALD!
Say it with me:
Dick Cheney is bald.
Now, don’t you feel so much better?
The fat part, well, I don’t have any problem with that.
Actually, I never trusted the Quaker Oats Guy. As Marcy says, he has the same smirk. More to the point, there was a time that America trusted fat balding white guys- and not only Cronkite, think of Eisenhower. But as George Bush says, 911 changed all of that. Now we trust slightly older, slightly-gray-haired black guys for our moral compasses. I say we go with Morgan Freeman. Wasn’t he the first African-American elected movie president (Deep Impact), a position which he attained after serving as head of the CIA ( all those Tom Clancy movies), and after serving in the military (Glory). Oh, and after he served as president, he went on to serve on the boards of major corporations ( Batman Begins). Not only that, he has done great work for the environment ( March of the Penguins). Sort of George Bush I meets Al Gore.
Wouldn’t John Bolton be a more appropriate choice? He’s got the mustache and everything…
Bolton? Nah, we’ll be seeing him in the next issue of Dom Daily Sportswear and you will like, oh yes, you will.
President Bush vowed Monday to honor them by �completing the mission for which they gave their lives.�
Huh? “Mission NOT Accomplished!”?????
But Scott…Quakers are pacifists.
Ah yes, honor the dead by doing whatever it takes to complete a political mission, even if it means thousands of more dead military personnel and destroying our economy. Decidership at its very best!
I say we go with Morgan Freeman.
My vote is for Dennis Haysbert. Best TV president ever. I will fight all you Bartlet groupies who say different.
I think we need Wilford Brimley. At the end of ABSENCE OF MALICE he is the US Attorny who comes in and arrests the FBI agent who was wiretapping without a warrant. And he does it with homespun charm.
Wilford should come do the same thing to Alberto.
Cheney may be evil, but comparing him to Wilford Brimley is just wrong. In everything he’s done, Brimley is scary angry. Those oatmeal ads make me want to eat mcmuffins every day for the rest of my life.
The scariest part of The China Syndrome isn’t a near-meltdown. It’s Walrusman going from sheepish company man to screaming red-faced loon in the final scene. Christ, can you imagine him as a father?
Ron Mexico Says:
June 1st, 2006 at 2:54 pm
My vote is for Dennis Haysbert. Best TV president ever.

I liked him better as Cerrano.
The manager in the back stairwell doing some blow — isn’t that Bush? And so then wouldn’t the wannabe bouncer be Rumsfeld? I don’t do any old boys’ club hopping, so I don’t know these things. At least not since the Clinton era when I got tossed out one night after wretching up all over the place after watching Madeline Albright try the Cayote Ugly thing…
Anyway, I want my Maypo!
Quaker Oats is just rebranded “Scott’s Porage Oats” minus some ingrediant that males Quaker’s incredibly bland and Scott’s rather tasty. “If it isn’t Scottish, it’s crap!”.
Brilliant lateral thinking in this post btw.
Now I must go have some Weetabix.
My vote is for Dennis Haysbert. Best TV president ever.
I liked him better as Cerrano.
I always liked that movie. Terrific cast.
Wilford Brimley was one scary Postmaster General, that’s for sure. I make damn sure I mail a minimum of three letters a week.
The Quaker Oats Guy is my great uncle. I can promise you he had no connection to the company other than posing for the box more than 40 years ago. He was a good man who died 5 years ago.

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