The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Friday, January 28, 2011

June 27, 2006 by scott (2)

The Ultimate Smackdown:  Mano a Mano, Man to Manhands!
Recently, bestselling author Ann Coulter revealed that “Christianity fuels everything I write.”  Like St. Paul and St. Augustine, two sinners who found salvation in Jesus and went on to exert a profound effect upon Western civilization, Ann has also evolved into an influential religious thinker, but without all that weepy repentence and redemption baggage that frankly makes the saints come off a bit like girly-men.  Fortunately for their posthumous reputations, the two First Century church fathers have now been joined by a sleek and sassy blonde chick, forming a sort theological Mod Squad.
In Coulter’s latest effort, GODLESS, her “Christianity is somewhat more explicit.”  But just how explicit is the brand of Christianity practiced by Ann?  Explicit enough for an R rating?  She doesn’t say.  But a comparison to the beliefs of another devout entertainer should provide us with a helpful frame of reference.  And so as to avoid the logical fallacy of comparing apples to oranges, we will juxtapose Ann’s religious convictions against those of another tall, lanky blonde personality of indeterminate gender with a new product to promote:  RuPaul.
Ann’s remarks are culled from her columns and various interviews.
RuPaul’s thoughts were taken from interviews, and her blog.  In the event of a tie, we’ll bring in Jesus and the Apostles to cast the deciding vote.
RUPAUL:  I just feel really blessed…I know that God has not lost my file, that I’m always being taken care of.
COULTER:  Don’t pray.  Learn to use guns.
RUPAUL:  I needed to remind myself to let people be and think however they wanted to.  There is no such thing as right and wrong, just love and fear.  And today I choose love.
COULTER:  My book makes a stark assertion:  Liberalism is a godless religion.  Hello!  Anyone there?  I’ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS!
RUPAUL:  I am not a Christian (and by the way, neither was CHRIST) but I dig JESUS like nobody’s business.
COULTER:  Hey–where’s Max the grenade-dropper?  Let’s keep this diaper fest going all summer.
RUPAUL:  Figuratively, the meaning is that JESUS transcended death because his true self was not his body.  The body can perish, but the soul (the truth self) is eternal, which is true for all of us…That’s why he is alive today in spirit.  He is the example of the potential we all have to transcend the limitations of our bodies.  We are all GOD’S children, no one is special.
COULTER:  This is no time to be precious about locating the exact individuals directly involved in this particular terrorist attack.  Those reponsible include anyone anywhere in the world who smiled in response to the annihilation of patriots like Barbara Olson.
Well, it seems that while RuPaul is clearly a deist who is receptive to the teachings of Christ, she isn’t a Christian, and thus is disqualified from fighting in Ann’s weight class.  Looks like she’s going to have to tag Jesus to finish the match:
(Luke 18: 32-33)  Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged.  And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head.  For he shall be betrayed to heathen men, and he shall be scorned, and scouraged, and bespat; and after that they have scourged him, they shall slay him.
COULTER:  I have to say I’m all for public flogging.  One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention.  And it might not be such a cool thing in the ‘hood to be flogged publically.
JESUS:  Suffer ye children to come to me, and do not ye forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
COULTER:  …a cruise missle is more important than Head Start.
JESUS:  Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.
COULTER:  If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it.
JESUS:  You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.”  But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.  If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
COULTER:  If you’re upset about what I said about the Witches of East Brunswick, try turning the page.  Surely, I must have offended more than those four harpies.  Wait until you get a load of what I say about liberals in the rest of the book!  You haven’t seen the half of it.
JESUS:  But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you.
COULTER:  We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.

19 Responses to “Ann Coulter vs. RuPaul and Jesus”

If I ever find myself in a house of worship again, I hope it’s RuPaul’s and not Ann’s. I think the folks of Ann’s church might wrap up the sign of peace with the sound of small arms.
Looking at both their pics, RuPaul looks more like a woman than Ann.
Who knew that RuPaul was a Gnostic?
Augustine was 4th-5th century. Sorry…
St. Ann of Greenwich, because Torquemada was too forgiving, or “”", she’s like Francis of Assisi without the changing part, or the tolerance, or the coherent philosophy or okay pretty much everything.
I think there should be a fight to the finish, but since I don’t advocate violence, the winner should be whoever can do the most whippits. Probably Jeebus.
remember in the 90′s, rupual was everywhere, then fell off the map. in another ten years we’ll say the same of mann coulter.
Many say, with some justification, that the last 2000 years of Western history are largely defined by a long list of barbaric and offensive acts committed in Jesus’ name. Sorry, Ann, on that list your book doesn’t even make the Hot 100. However, your saggy sleeveless look is an abomination in my sight, like unto plumber’s buttcrack.
Um, Ann should at least pray to Jaesus for another outfit to wear onthe talk chows…. she’s had the same damn black cocktail dress on for last appearance!
Jesus wore only ragged robes, true, but Jesus also didn’t profit monetarily off of anything he wrote, so we can overlook his physical appearance … as RuPaul said, it kinda wasn’t what the dude was going for.
Funny, though, that Jesus himslef decried the “eye for an eye” mentality, and just this past year, some one in a jury somewhere used the eye for an eye in deciding a death pnelty case, and the Judge said it was OK, saying that morals presentedinthe BIble are OK for use int he courtroonm.
Babylonian morals? Pagan Morals? That’s what Coulter suuports? Thank you, Jesus, for telling me to run the HELL away from cemented chruches. I give food to the beggars who need it. I tithe directly to the children of God.
[...] Ann Coulter vs. RuPaul and Jesus [...]
Y’know what’s scary about this post?
I’m straight, and I’d still rather see RuPaul nekkid….
Oh, who wouldn’t?
Incidently, RuPaul appeared, out-of-drag (which for him would BE drag, wouldn’t it?) in one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies, “But I’m A Cheerleader!”. It also stars Cathy Moriarty, whom Coulter sometime reminds me of (especially in “Soapdish”) with one major dif: I usually look forward to seeing Moriarty.
So why does Ann hate christianity so much?
I’m ready to marry whichever one of them fits into the latex gear I got in my divorce settlement.
What’s up with Ann’s armpit? Looks like some part of a turkey grafted on under there.
the citizen of sodom wanted to have sport with the two strangers , what a curious bunch. Mock away boys and be comforted, tis all a myth, never to worry.
But I am currious , do you believe in any-thing, other then punch an judy…. Or does crap say it all ?
(i do enjoy satire which is why ive saved this site, smile.)
If Ann Cunterer could get a book published, then there’s hope for all of us who want to be a writer.
Great article, BTW. Well edited, funny, to the point and shows you really know your Bible (Scary!)
You forgot this quote from Jesus:
“21 Not everyone who says to Me, “Lord, Lord,” shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.” Matthew 7
Also edit your story and post references to all those quotes, there are a couple there that I don’t believe Coulter ever said, and if she did you are leaving out the context/joke part. Post references or you are open for libel.
Both Rupaul and Coulter are lost souls and need to repent of their sins to Christ.

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