The Ultimate Smackdown: Mano a Mano, Man to Manhands!
Recently, bestselling author Ann Coulter revealed that “Christianity fuels everything I write.” Like St. Paul and St. Augustine, two sinners who found salvation in Jesus and went on to exert a profound effect upon Western civilization, Ann has also evolved into an influential religious thinker, but without all that weepy repentence and redemption baggage that frankly makes the saints come off a bit like girly-men. Fortunately for their posthumous reputations, the two First Century church fathers have now been joined by a sleek and sassy blonde chick, forming a sort theological Mod Squad.
In Coulter’s latest effort, GODLESS, her “Christianity is somewhat more explicit.” But just how explicit is the brand of Christianity practiced by Ann? Explicit enough for an R rating? She doesn’t say. But a comparison to the beliefs of another devout entertainer should provide us with a helpful frame of reference. And so as to avoid the logical fallacy of comparing apples to oranges, we will juxtapose Ann’s religious convictions against those of another tall, lanky blonde personality of indeterminate gender with a new product to promote: RuPaul.
Ann’s remarks are culled from her columns and various interviews.
RuPaul’s thoughts were taken from interviews, and her blog. In the event of a tie, we’ll bring in Jesus and the Apostles to cast the deciding vote.
RUPAUL: I just feel really blessed…I know that God has not lost my file, that I’m always being taken care of.
COULTER: Don’t pray. Learn to use guns.
RUPAUL: I needed to remind myself to let people be and think however they wanted to. There is no such thing as right and wrong, just love and fear. And today I choose love.
COULTER: My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I’ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS!
RUPAUL: I am not a Christian (and by the way, neither was CHRIST) but I dig JESUS like nobody’s business.
COULTER: Hey–where’s Max the grenade-dropper? Let’s keep this diaper fest going all summer.
RUPAUL: Figuratively, the meaning is that JESUS transcended death because his true self was not his body. The body can perish, but the soul (the truth self) is eternal, which is true for all of us…That’s why he is alive today in spirit. He is the example of the potential we all have to transcend the limitations of our bodies. We are all GOD’S children, no one is special.
COULTER: This is no time to be precious about locating the exact individuals directly involved in this particular terrorist attack. Those reponsible include anyone anywhere in the world who smiled in response to the annihilation of patriots like Barbara Olson.
Well, it seems that while RuPaul is clearly a deist who is receptive to the teachings of Christ, she isn’t a Christian, and thus is disqualified from fighting in Ann’s weight class. Looks like she’s going to have to tag Jesus to finish the match:
(Luke 18: 32-33) Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged. And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head. For he shall be betrayed to heathen men, and he shall be scorned, and scouraged, and bespat; and after that they have scourged him, they shall slay him.
COULTER: I have to say I’m all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the ‘hood to be flogged publically.
JESUS: Suffer ye children to come to me, and do not ye forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
COULTER: …a cruise missle is more important than Head Start.
JESUS: Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.
COULTER: If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it.
JESUS: You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
COULTER: If you’re upset about what I said about the Witches of East Brunswick, try turning the page. Surely, I must have offended more than those four harpies. Wait until you get a load of what I say about liberals in the rest of the book! You haven’t seen the half of it.
JESUS: But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you.
COULTER: We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.
Posted by scott on Tuesday, June 27th, 2006 at 2:30 am.
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