The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

May 12, 2006 by s.z.

First, let me add my kudos to everyone who entered our “Write Like a Wingnut” contest. In my book (about which you’ll be hearing more in the future), you’re all winners … except that we don’t have to give you a mug. So, you’re the BEST kind of winners.
But special congratulations go out to Simon for an entry that is sure to get him a Regnery book contract.
So, here’s MY idea for a contest: come up with a title for a book that would sound right at home at Regnery, Crown Forum, WorldNetDaily Books, Nelson Publishing, or their ilk. To help you out, here are some actual, real* titles of recent or future releases from these presses:
1. Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity : Get Out the Shovel–Why Everything You Know is Wrong 
by 20/20′s John Stossel
2. Godless: The Church of Liberalism
by Ann Coulter
3. The Party of Death: The Democrats, the Media, the Courts, and the Disregard for Human Life 
by Ramesh Ponnuru
4. The Marketing of Evil: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised As Freedom 
by David Kupelian
5. War Crimes : The Left’s Campaign to Destroy Our Military and Lose the War on Terror
by Robert “Buzz” Patterson
6. Whitewash : How the News Media Are Paving Hillary Clinton’s Path to the Presidency 
by L. Brent Bozell, Tim Graham
7. Warriors for the West : Fighting Bureaucrats, Radical Groups, and Liberal Judges on America’s Frontier 
by William Perry Pendley
8. The Global War on Your Guns : Inside the UN Plan To Destroy the Bill of Rights by Wayne LaPierre
9. The Shadow Party : How Hillary Clinton, George Soros, and the Sixties Left Took Over the Democratic Party 
by David Horowitz, Richard Poe
10. Culture Warrior : How I Personally Saved Our Culture by Saying Mean Things About Activist Judges, Non-Activist Judges, Godless Liberals, Film Critics Who Don’t Like Mel Gibson Movies, Department Stores Who Made Baby Jesus Cry, Rappers, Women Who Tape My Harassing Phone Calls, and the Entire Mainstream Media 
by Bill O’Reilly
And so on. (I think you’re starting to see the pattern.)
Now it’s time to make up your own title. The winner won’t get an actual prize, per se, but may get a gig as one of the ghost writers for O’Reilly’s book.
*Okay, I made up part of the title of Bill’s book, because he violated wingnut literary protocol by failing to use a colon. He should be ashamed of himself!

49 Responses to “Book ‘Em, Danno!”

Tough Love: How Kicking The Poor Off Of Welfare Is Their Only Hope And Why The Liberal Poverty Pimps Don’t Want You To Know.
Race Card: How The Liberal Discussion Of Racism Is Tearing Us Apart.
Uncivil: What On Earth Has Made The Moonbats So Mad At Us?.
Somebody Had To Say It: Why Greed And Pollution Are Totally Good For You, Really, by John Stossel.
Home Wreckers: How the Media, the ACLU, the Democratic Party, Activist Judges and the Entire Public School System are Conspiring to Make Hillary Clinton Sleep with YOUR Spouse!
By Katherine Jean Lopez
Vagina Vagina Vagina: How the Left Has Corrupted the Female Gentalia to Such an Extent That I Can No Longer Get Erectionsby Dr. Mike S. Adams, PhD
Fornicators: How I Spend My College Years Spying on My Classmates, What the Disgusting Perverts Were Doing, and My Whining About How I Didn’t Get Any (originially entitled Nookie)
By Jonah Goldberg
Suckage: Why Democrats, Liberals, and People-NOT-LIKE-YOU Are Responsible for Everything that is Wrong in the World From the Beginning of Time
Empire: Why Torture Liberates Oppressed Peoples, Blowing Things Up is Critical to World Peace, and Why the Cheese-Eating Poopy-Heads on the Left are Orwellian
By John Poderhoretz (or however it’s spelled)
The Colon: Hooking You In to Out Web of Assitude.
Your Colon: Getting It Checked Out is Not Soying On It.
Doh! 1st out=Our, soying=Spying!
Welfare Queens: The New Gay Poor on the D.L. and the Liberal Plot for Them to Use Your Taxes to Buy Convertibles and Teach Your Children About Opera
I suppose a colon used in a wing-nut title is automatically demoted to a SEMI-colon… ;)
Pulling Up The Ladder: Why Welfare shoudn’t help anyone who isn’t me by Star Parker
Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal
By Ann Coulter
Porn is bad (and I watched a lot of it, for research purposes you liberal pervert, so I know what I’m talking about)
by Ben Shapiro
Not a title so much, but I think it’s clear where this sort of contest should be heading: Don’t just think up a book title, try to get an actual publishing deal with Regnery (with advance), write the book, and then go out and publicly mock anyone stupid enough to buy it and take it seriously.
Eat Me: What Liberals Who Whine About Me Can Do About It
Ann Coulter
Liberals: The Fifth Sign of the Apocalypse
Ted Kennedy: Drunken Anti-Christ or Just Satan’s Chauffeur?
GOD WHO? The Secret Liberal Plot to Deify Hillary Clinton
The 100 Most Evil People Ever (and Hillary Clinton is 57 of them!)
A Man of Singular Genius: How George W. Bush Could Ascend Bodily Into Heaven (If He Would Just Take My Calls)
By John Hinderocker
War And Piece: Why We Should Blame Clinton’s Zipper For Iraq
Concentration Camps: Really Not Such A Bad Idea If We Can Send Liberals To Them
By Ann Coulter
The Homosexual Agenda: Gym at 5, Cocktails at 6, Buggery at 7, Dinner at 10, Buggery at Midnight, and Other Reasons Why Your Husband Has Started Collecting Show Tune Albums.
The Heritage Guide to the Constitution: First Amendment Bad, Second Amendment Good.
The Politically Incorrect Guide to Prescription Painkillers, Doctor Shopping, and Lou’s Big and Tall Suits for Men.
At Any Cost: How Al Gore Tried to Steal the Election. Oopsie, that’s a real title!
Unlimited Access: Billie’s Willie
9-11 9-11 9-11 9-11: How Liberals Managed To Drive Our Country Into A Hole, Get Us Mired In Iraq And Rin Out International Goodwill Despite Having No Legislative, Judicial, or Executive Control Of The Government Whatsoever
Precioussss!: How Stupid, Fat, Filthy, Thieving Hobbitses Stole Our Love, Our Own, Our Prrrrrrrecious.
By Gollum J. Smeagol
WAAAAH!!!!: The Liberal Plot To Ruin Our Nation By Teaching Our Children How To Think For Themselves
By David Horowitz
Muslim Murderers Global, Inc.: Why God Demands A Modern Crusade And How You Can Profit From It
And for the children, a new comic/cartoon…
Cobag Z: Destroy All Liberals!
In Defense of Auschwitz
by Michelle Maglalang
Fucking, Shitheel Liberals: Why Are Those Filthy, Degenerate Pervert Moonbats So Uncivil?
Liberals: Threat or Menace?
by J. Jonah Jameson
The QueerGayHomo Agenda: If Your Husband Is In-Shape, As Opposed To Being A Lard-Ass, Cheeto-Snuffling, Doughy Chunderbrick, It Probably Means He’s A Fag
Get ‘Er Done: Why Booze, Poker, Crystal Meth, and Hookers (of either sex) Are Good For Democracy
by the Duke-stir
Chalabi Of My Dreams: Why That Little Iraqi Greaseball Is Teh Hot
by judy Miller
Moo!–The Lives Of Our Mothers
by J-Pod and Jonah Goldberg
Homo-nups, Hillary and the evil sprits coming from my Pop-Tart; How the Liberal God haters have ruined breakfast and America.
by Pastor Swank.
The Bigot Tent Party: How The Democratic Party Pushed Their Extreme Affirmative Action Agenda To Deprive Straight White Christian Men Of Their Birthright.
“Get Me Out Of Here!”: Rick Santorum’s Border Collie Speaks Out
“Gay” For Pay: How The Liberal Elites Bribe Heterosexuals To Pretend They’re Homosexual And What You Can Do About It
You, Dead: Why the Terrorists Will Win Unless You Buy THIS BOOK (about Michael Schiavo)
by the editors of WorldNetDaily
“J. Jonah Jameson”! Hee hee!
I’ve asked before and I’ll ask again–does teh mean something, or is it a typo? I hate to think I’m missing a joke. (“Why That Little Iraqi Greaseball Is Teh Hot”)
Christopher Hitchens Guide To The Bars of the USA
No, it is NOT below the belt – he deserves it!!
This contest has kept me laughing all day – Thanks s.z.! My favorite so far (subject to change on a whim) is dear, dear D. Sidhe’s “Get Me Out Of Here!” Rick Santorum’s Border Collie Speaks Out
Liberal Perfidy: Tracking Treason from Hillary Clinton from Pontius Pilate
Evening the odds: Stopping liberals before the soil your virtues.
By Bill Bennett
We Don’t Need No Stinking Experts: Why Americans Don’t Actually Need to Know Any Real Facts, Especially Me, by Tucker Carlson
By the way, John Stossel stole his subtitle from the Firesign Theatre. Typical.
House Nigraism Made Easy: The Fun and Easy Way to Suckup to the Good White Folks.
by Alphonso Jackson
Sally Heming Has Naught On Me: Condoleeza Rice and the rise of fashionable Colored Policy Sluttery
I’d sell my Mamma For Massa Georgie: How Ken Blackwell Marinates His Balls
Skinnin’Grinnin’ fO Jeezus and Cash up front: Homophobic Colored Preachers and the Fucked in the head congregations who put up with them.
Sweet Lil Bitch:The Armstrong Williams Story Foreword bySammy Davis Jr. and Strom Thurmond.
Yet More Terror in the Skies
by Annie Jacobsen
“…Then the swarthy man turned to look at me — and he was holding some tweezers! Just what was the FAA thinking when they started allowing nail clippers and tweezers on flights again?!?!?!”
Help! Mom! There are Dust Bunnies Under the Bed!
How Liberals are Trying to Toxify Our Homes by Illegal Immigrants Who Should be Sweeping Instead of Protesting

by Katharine DeBrecht
The War on Mother’s Day
by Bill O’Reilly
“I remember as a small boy going with my mother shopping hearing a cheerful “Happy Mother’s Day” even in the most depressed part of Levittown, but I know I won’t hear that this year, and I’ll tell you why…”
“Attention Whore: Tyra Banks Has Nothing On Me”-Ann Coultier
“The Good Old Days: When Women Were Viewed as the Trash They Are (Unless they’re rich like me)”-Phylis Schefly
“Eunich: How to Live Without a Penis”-VBen
They Joys of Being Asian: Because White People Don’t Have the Monoply on Racism”-Michele Mahn
“Conservitive Beauty: How to Get that Gutter-Slut Look Your Rich Husband Will Crave”-Concerned Women for America
“Blame it On the Liberals”-World Net Daily
“Heaven Is A Red State: The Illogical Irrationality of The New Left As Seen Through The Wisdom of The Old Testament”
– by Dr. James Dobson
“Get The Negatives: The Top 10 Mistakes Liberal Women Make”
– by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
As far as I can recall, the “teh” thing started out as a fairly common typo, but evolved into a slangy version of “the.” What was the term for that internet-speak where you substitute numbers & symbols for some letters in words? Stuff like “10s3r”?
Death & Taxes: Unlocking The Liberal Agenda
You Can’t Spell Fellatio Without L.E.F.T.and O.I.L.:The Homesexual Agenda for Iraqby James Woolsey & Debbie Schussel
The Abstinence Series:
Stay Away From the Fuzz Monkey! A Christian Handbook for Male Celibacy
Pornwashed,Volume 17: How Liberal Smut Keeps Corrupting Home-Schooled Virgins Attending Harvard Law
A Daughter Speaks: I Saved It Just for You Now What Do I Do With It?
Jesus: Liberal Terrorist Traitor to the Roman Empire
-original working title for Ann Coulter’s “Godless”
Wasn’t there a contest awhile back to name Mary Cheney’s memoir? I think the winner was “Munching the Red Carpet.”
Wasn�t there a contest awhile back to name Mary Cheney�s memoir? I think the winner was �Munching the Red Carpet.�
That was one of the honorable mentions. The winner was “Putting the Sap in Sappho: The Mary Cheney Story” by sylamore!
The post containing the various winners, also-rans, runner-ups, Miss Uncongenialitys, etc. can be found here:
Don’t Look Behind The Curtain: Why Liberals Will Make Up and Publish Facts About Your American Heroes Bernard Goldberg, with Vince McMahon
Number, Please: Why You Should Mail A Copy Of Your Phone Bill To The NSA Every Month, just In Case Your Phone Company Isn’t Cooperating With Them
We should Just Trust What The Preznit Says: Why Britney Spears’ New Baby Will Bear An Uncanny Resemblance To Dubya
Making Squalor Work For You: Life Advice In The Bush Economy
That’s What America Thought: Sticking With The T.W.A.T. Method
by Kate O’Beirne
Rush Limbaugh’s Concise Guide To Prescription Medications: Why Clonodine Isn’t Nearly As Much Fun As Oxycontin
Katherine Jean Lopez-I Eat Liberals For Lunch: Also, Mountains Of Cheesecake, Fajitas, Fried Chicken, Chili, Cheese Fries, Ice Cream, Prime Rib, Buffalo Wings With Ranch Dressing, Cool Whip, String Cheese, Bean Casserole, Hot Dogs, Snausages, and Diet Coke
Losing Through Praying: How I Underestimated The Intelligence Of North Carolinians
by Nathan Tabor
Homo-Nups, Womb-Babies, Muslim Murderers Global, Jeebus, And You: Blaarrggfhh Gleet Oop Oop Fassbinder Zero-Sum Hasenpfeffer Boingy Boingy Homina Homina Zeeerp Woot Woot Blaghada Piffle-Wiffle Poing Dot!!!1!
by J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Preshinet Busssh Ish Th’ Greashtessht: Blaaarrrfff!
bye Chrishtofer Hitshinnns, (blork!)
Disturbing If True: A Bunch Of Crap I Copied And Pasted Off The Interwebs
by Glen Reynolds
Preshinet Busssh Ish Th� Greashtessht: Blaaarrrfff!
bye Chrishtofer Hitshinnns, (blork!)

I hate to admit it, seeing as I have a couple of dogs in this fight, but this one gets my vote.
Pseudo-lies and False Evidence: Practical Pranks Not Just For April Fools, by Carl Rove
Ann’s Apple – How to Keep From Looking Like a Liberal Radical Transsexual Through Liberal Use Hormone Therapy and Radical Surgery, by Ann Coulter
And the 2 volume set:
My Leter 2 Santa, by George W. Bush
Working With the Mentally Challenged, by Dick Cheney
They’re Freedom-Fries, Not Dick-Taters! How the Left Are Trying to Steal Your Lunch, by Bill O’Reilly
Title for the anthology of the whole Regnery et al catalogue-
Wow! Look At That Over There: We’ve Blown The Incredible Chance We Had To Make Good, So We’ll Stoop to Anything To Misdirect Your Gnatlike Attention Span
(Good show, itinerant_soul)
this is pretty difficult! Most of the entries thus far aren’t quite as nutty as the real thinga….
I like itenerant’s “How The Left Are Trying To Steal Your Lunch”
Let’s see what I can do:
“One Heck Of A Job: The Bush Presidency 2001–2012″ by Barney
You know what? I think arghous has the way to do this best, title plus an excerpt.
Okay, here’s my official entry!
Annie�s, Get Your Guns!
How Liberal Terrorist Immigrant Communist Lesbian Welfare Mothers Are Conspiring With The UN And Bears To Create An Army of Human-Animal hybrid French-Speaking Islamist Homosexual Abortionists Bent On Destroying Christianity, Marriage, Freedom And Israel By Controlling Oil, Mass Media, Education And The Weather By Increasing Taxes, Banning Christmas. Promoting Science And Enforcing Porn On Innocent Stem Cells.
An exhausting investigative report by Ann Coulter, John Gibson, Neil Cavuto, Michelle Malkin, James Dobson, Steven Griles, Karl Rove Phyllis Schlafly,Terry Schiavo,Sean Hannity, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Ed Sampley, James Sensenbrenner, Neil Inhofe, Tom Delay, Charles Krauthammer, Michael Jackson, John Hinderaker. The Rev. Creflo Dollar, the whole PNAC gang, John Podhoretz, the entire State of South Dakota, and Jesus.
Are we voting on this stuff or just posting right now?
I’m not really sure where this competition is headed and it looks to me like history will have to be the judge ( and we’ll all be dead when history get’s off its ass and does something of course), so in the meantime I’d just like to vote for the entries that made me laugh:
D. Sidhe for :
Somebody Had To Say It: Why Greed And Pollution Are Totally Good For You, Really, by John Stossel.
and especially
�Get Me Out Of Here!�: Rick Santorum�s Border Collie Speaks Out
Arghous ( for doing such brilliant excerpts)
BeginningToWonder for the perfectly acerbic and witless:
Eat Me: What Liberals Who Whine About Me Can Do About It
By Ann Coulter
Actor 212 (it’s the exposotion after the book title’s colon that matters):
Don�t Look Behind The Curtain: Why Liberals Will Make Up and Publish Facts About Your American Heroes Bernard Goldberg, with Vince McMahon
Marq for the totally brilliant and insightful:
Homo-Nups, Womb-Babies, Muslim Murderers Global, Jeebus, And You: Blaarrggfhh Gleet Oop Oop Fassbinder Zero-Sum Hasenpfeffer Boingy Boingy Homina Homina Zeeerp Woot Woot Blaghada Piffle-Wiffle Poing Dot!!!1!
by J. Grant Swank, Jr.
And itinerant_soul for capturing the classic playground bully stylings of O’Reilly with :
They�re Freedom-Fries, Not Dick-Taters! How the Left Are Trying to Steal Your Lunch, by Bill O�Reilly.
don’t forget kids, it’s an honor just to be nominated.
I know its over….but I still wanted to give it a try:
Destroying Liberalism : How a One Party System is great for Democracy
Tapped : Why having an NSA agent in your bedroom at all times protects your privacy from smelly liberals
I know its over�.but I still wanted to give it a try:
Same here:
Arrogance: Facts, Logic, Education, and the Left’s Attack on Everything You Know to Be True

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