The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Friday, January 28, 2011

May 21, 2006 by s.z.

. . . Or maybe the Goddess of Irony.
In any case, here’s Kaye Grogan, with the ultimatum given to her by English Teachers Global:
Okay it’s official � I hope! It has taken 200 plus years for English to become America’s official language. Maybe we missed something here. Did another boat come in behind the Mayflower with people speaking in unknown tongues?
Um, Kaye, there were lots of boats that came to America behind theMayflower, and many of them contained people who spoke in such unknown tongues as Dutch, French, Spanish, etc. And there were boats that came BEFORE the Mayflower, some carrying people who spoke the unknown tongue of the Vikings. And there were people who lived here even before that, and they spoke in various unknown native American tongues! So, I guess you did miss something. Maybe you should go back to school or something.
But hey, I shouldn’t be ragging on Kaye for lack of historical knowledge and/or her faulty use of logic, when the message of her column is that a mastery of the English language should be a requirement of American citizenship.
So, read on as Kaye shows how it’s done:
Since when does a nation who taught their children to speak English fluently need to verify and have a vote in the Senate to make the language official? Only in America! . . .can these bizarre things keep happening.
Obviously, Kaye didn’t come from a nation which taught its children to write English fluently. I’m guessing that she actually hails from one of those fake American town that the Commies used to use to prepare sleeper agents to infiltrate the U.S. (And it was probably a fake town operated by the Bulgarians, or another one of the bottom tier Commie countries.)
According to some of the suggestions being proposed by our illustrious government � all illegal immigrants if they want to become legal citizens they are going to have to learn English, and forget about singing the National Anthem in Spanish. In other words, learn English or else! . . .or else what? I guess everyone not learning to speak English in a certain length of time will be sent to the back of the class. Then what? Heaven knows � deportation is out of the question!
Heaven said Kaye had plenty of time to learn English, and so it was okay to deport her. Seriously, I checked, and the heavenly hosts indicated that it was the only way to keep the rest of us safe from her sinful misuse of ellipses and such.
Anyway, this column contains a lot of other great stuff about how the 34 senators who voted against the “Official English Language Amendment” should be “recalled and ousted from office,” but I don’t want to bogart the Kaye. So, let’s just skip to the conclusion:
Hey! . . .you’re either for the American culture or you’re against it. You’re either an American in every true sense of the word or somewhere in-between � which translates into troublemakers.
Yeah! And if you don’t use the English language with a sufficient degree of fluency, you are clearly some kind of America-hater, and you should be sent to a Gitmo-like camp until the War on Bad English has been fought to a successful conclusion.
Oh, and if you speak a language other than English, even as a second language, then you are hardly an American in every true sense of the word. In fact, you are against the American culture. You are a troublemaker. In a word, you are a traitor, and should be shot!
I don’t know why Kaye didn’t take her argument to the proper conclusion — I guess her success as a wingnut has left her lazy, bloated, and complacent. (In this area, like so many others, Rush Limbaugh is a conservative role model.)
So, to inspire her, here are a couple of eager, new wingnuts. (And Kaye, they’re purportedly DEMOCRATS, proving that you Republicans can’t rest on your laurels if you want to make it today’s competitive field of wingnuttery.)
Alabama’s Democratic Party is distancing itself from two Democratic candidates for state office who think all illegal immigrants must leave or be killed.
Party officials described the platforms of candidates Larry Darby and Harry Lyon as ridiculous, unconstitutional and offensive. Darby is running for attorney general, and Lyon is a gubernatorial candidate.
Both agree the influx of illegal immigration into Alabama must be stopped, either through public hangings or martial law.
Lyon said if elected, he would sponsor a law to get all illegal immigrants out of the state within 90 days, or be hanged in public.
“It would only take five or 10 getting killed and broadcast on CNN for it to send a clear message to not set foot in Alabama,” said Lyon, a Pelham lawyer. “Anybody that breaks into my home is a threat to my life. I remember the Alamo.”
I’m guessing that he remembers the Alamo from personal experience, having fought illegal moon aliens there alongside Davy Crockett and Luke Skywalker.
Darby, though, said he would support Lyon in his election bid.
“If he’s willing to have public hangings of Mexicans, that sounds like he’s the right man for the job,” Darby said.
Darby is right! After all, Lyon has been endorsed by Michelle Malkin (or will be shortly).
Darby said if elected he would ask the governor to institute martial law to stop the influx of illegal immigrants into Alabama. If illegal immigrants attempt to evade law enforcement, they “should be shot on sight,” he said.
He said the number of Jews killed in World War II has been grossly exaggerated, and Jews must leave if the United States is to save itself.
“It would be good for Iran to blow Israel off the map,” he said.
Darby, who recently spoke to a group in New Jersey whose focus is to promote equal rights for whites, said the Democratic Party itself is racist because black lawmakers try to extort money from white candidates like himself.
It seems that Darby is the kind of candidate who can reach across party lines and find common cause with some of the state’s Republican voters — and yet Darby’s Democratic opponent has the nerve to call Darby “a crackpot trying to get some publicity.” I bet the opponent is just saying that because he’s prejudiced against white people.
Anyway, I urge Kaye to hit the campaign trail in Alabama — she could base her platform on the promise of weekly hangings of everyone who speaks a foreign language, with the spectacles being broadcast on Fox News. Plus, free punctuation marks for all!
But if she doesn’t run for office, I think it will prove that she’s not an American in the true sense of the word, and is against the culture. (And we already know that she’s against the language.)
We see that Sadly, Brad! has also blogged about Kaye’s column (and that his comments on it run parallel to ours in many ways).
This act of war leaves us with no other option but to steal Marie JonApostrophe, the Sweetheart of Sadly No!
So, enjoy this selection from Marie’s latest:
Let’s keep in mind that President Bush has accomplished many wonderful things in Iraq and Afghanistan. He has a good Christian heart. We have every reason to be proud of our president. He is a man with strong enduring convictions. He is the good guy.
We should continue to love our Commander-in-Chief who rises everyday to face the foes who continually try to undermine his every political achievement.
I think this was directed against Kaye, who would deport our President for his lack of English fluency, and against Brad, who has wavered in his love for George.

24 Responses to “Courtesy of ‘The National Lack of Self-Awareness Council’”

Between Senator-Grand Mufti Roy Moore and Governor Darney could Alabamey be the first state EXPELLED from the Union?
Oh, my sweet Lordy-gordy! I was just about to turn in when I read this. Now I’m gonna have nightmares. Well, at least you didn’t have a picture of the Groganater. So they won’t be TOO bad.
“Lordi” won the Eurovision Song Contest.
I await Marie Jon and Kaye Grogan proclaiming that as a victory for Christian rock music.
This guy is a lawyer?
And Marie Jon’o is definitely looney tunes. Just because you SAY you’re a Christian, doesn’t make it so.
We should continue to love our Commander-in-Chief who rises everyday to face the foes who continually try to undermine his every political achievement.
Good grief, has MJ’ given her column over to a North Korean political flack?
These pricks are democrats? In what alternate reality?
This whole English-only thing is one of the most gratuitously hateful things I’ve seen in a long time. Do these people really think that immigrants are just too *lazy* to learn English? I’m sure they enjoy being marginalized in a society where they can’t understand anything, which makes it easier to take advantage of them. Jesus.
In all my years as a motel maid, I’ve worked with a variety of immigrants, from Mexican to Pakistani to Filipina to Russian. Most of them didn’t speak English very well, but it was never a huge problem. It’s not like new immigrants who don’t speak English fluently are out there grabbing up the marketing executive jobs. They take jobs where speaking any language at all is secondary to working their asses off.
And, you know, they may not speak English real well, but their kids all do. I gather that’s how this whole immigration thing has always worked. The kids, who don’t have to work three jobs because their parents are, have time to learn English. Though it sure helps if you don’t try to kick them out of our schools.
As far as the hanging thing–I’d love to be eloquent on the subject, but right now I’m just so horrified. These people make me ashamed to be an American.
D. S., they run as Democrats because it’s the only way they get attention. If they ran as Republicans, they’d be just another, well, um,…Republican.
D.Sidhe, I appreciate hearing your story. It speaks to an idea that was floating in the back of my mind–that if Republicans loved the traditional idea of America as much as they say they do, they would also love immigrants and feel brotherly kinship (is that redundant?) with them. They say they respect hard work and pulling yourself up, bla bla bla, but when people come to do just that and are working so hard they don’t have time to learn the language, then those people are dirty freeloaders trying to take over the country. I just don’t get it. “Close the borders! America is for Americans!” Plop! That was the Statue of Liberty tossing her tablet and torch into the bay.
“Anybody that breaks into my home is a threat to my life. I remember the Alamo”
It was Mexican land that English speakers had come into, and they later rebelled against the Spanish-speaking majority, making the Texans the “home invaders.” Though with the hanging talk, maybe Lyon sees Santa Anna his role model?
I think I actually learned a little more English by reading Kaye’s illuminating article. Apparently there are punctuation rules that enven Strunk & White fear to mention. I plan to start employing the “exclamation point followed by elipses” to replace commas, periods and semicolons. And I seriously like beginning a thought with “Hey!…” That really sets off a point like nothing else.
Hey!…Let’s give it a try:
Why doesn’t our illustrious government spend some time worrying about real problems!…and not waste a week debating an purely token amendment that will result in absolutely no changes in any law already on the books?…?
I was five when I first came to the US on s visit to my aunt in Florida. I spent several days with my contemporary cousin “Bucky” trying to find a common linguistic ground (at the time I sounded like a high-pitched Prince Charles and he like Cletis the Slack-Jawed Yokel). “Chay-uh” I eventually discovered meant “chair” and so on.
During my last few trips to my homeland I have been invariably mistaken as an American (and had I had the time and werewithal I would have so gotten laid!).
English is the de facto lingua franca of the US and that phrase pretty much sums it up. Those ‘Americans’ who would proclaim fluency in English as a metric of perfect citizenship are of course parochial and ignorant. By their standards even I don’t speak “their” English, to which I say “whut-evah” !
On an unrelated note: I received my WO’C mug on Saturday. Not only does it contain coffee in a convenient and professional fashion, it also accomodates many other liquids with equal aplomb, most notably 12 oz. of beer. It may be emblazoned with “World O’Crap” but it holds a world of goodness! Buy one now before it’s too late! (Or win a competition).
Many thanks Scott!
wait a second; people are trying to get INTO Alabama ?
Simon, being an American in England would have gotten you laid? That is quite, QUITE surprising! Actually, you didn’t really say England, did you. Maybe you are from Australia or somewhere where they aren’t quite as picky. (Kidding, Australians!) Your description of a high-pitched Prince Charles reminds me of those public-school-bound upper-class kiddies in the documentary “Seven Up.”
“It was Mexican land that English speakers had come into, and they later rebelled against the Spanish-speaking majority, making the Texans the �home invaders.� Though with the hanging talk, maybe Lyon sees Santa Anna his role model?”
Actually, I think that the Alamo conclusively proves that executing large numbers of illegal, anti-assimiliationist aliens does NOT convince them all to go back where they came from.
“. . . Or maybe the Goddess of Irony”
This thing is annoying me in so many ways.
I’ve lived as an immigrant in a non-English speaking country and I can safely tell you that there is a big motivation for learning a local language…it makes your life easier.
Now, having spent time in some places where almost everyone speaks three or four languages I can tell you that the U.S. would be a better place with more language skill, not less.
Have you ever noticed that almost all US airports are English only? How the hell are you supposed to get around if you can’t read?
Lastly, if the US became fully bilingual with Spanish (or anything else) how is that a bad thing?
An old joke:
If you speak three languages you’re trilingual.
If you speak two languages you’re bilinugal.
If you speak one language you’re an American.
I swear I didn’t pull a Domenech, ok? But you can have Marie if you want- her devotion to Bush is just plain creepy.
OMG, Marie Jonclick thinks President Bush has a good Christian heart! Well, in the words of another good-Christian-hearted guy: “Trust, but verify”. So come on, Marie Jonclick, show me the heart. Oh, just do it. We can put it back afterwards.
(Attn NSA: totally just kidding, I mean, rilly.)
Lucy…why surprised that an American might get laid in the U.K.? Sex and politics are involuntary, unless money is introduced into the equation. Yes it was in England and that’s where I am from…”Surrey,ah-ctually”as we like to say.
And maybe I wouldn’t have gotten laid, but a a decent snog was a good possibility.
I agree with Ted. Though I speak no spanish (apart from “no se apoye contra la uerta: and “piso mosado”) one learns the lanuguage that serves one best. My brother went to germany to work, completely ignorant of the language. He made a deal with English speaking Germans that they could only practice their English with him if he could learn German from them. He was fluent in a year.
Even if one only learns a few phrases in another language it is enough to hel one understand a culture better.
Also, it hekps to know how to swear. If anyone wants to know the rudest thing you can say in Hindi, let me know.
“If illegal immigrants attempt to evade law enforcement, they �should be shot on sight,� he said.”
Right. You can tell whether someone’s legal or illegal by examining their paperwork and documents. But if you have any doubt about them, they should be SHOT ON SIGHT!
So, kids, anyone who won’t open their wallet to you is suspect!!!
” I gather that�s how this whole immigration thing has always worked. ”
Indeed. Those who tell you that previous generations of immigrants to the US assimilated instantly, dutifully learning English are simply telling a revisionist history tale.
Immigrants to the country settled and built entire communities where their native languages were the dominant language. Witness Little Italy, Chinatown, Yiddish-speaking Lower East Side, or their counterparts in every major city. Or the small Norwegian towns on the plains; the German and Czech-speaking farm communities in Texas.
These communities flourished for at least one generation, speaking languages other than English; and in subsequent generations the tradition continued while the kids were bilingual.
That immigrant history enriched our country’s culture, and the current wave of immigrants – Khmer, Laotian, Salvadoran, Vietnamese, Bosnian, Somali – will do the same.
R/e the Sadly, No!/WO’C coincidence: Jinx!
OMG, Marie Jonclick thinks President Bush has a good Christian heart!
Yes. He keeps it in a box on his desk. Ask to see it sometime!
Those two so-called “Democrats” were plain frightening. Their state party should excommunicate them, so that they can run as Republicans, as God intended. But, they were damned fine wingnuts. Speaking of which…
I think the coincidental coverage of this “Kaye” Gro…gan column by both WO’C and S,N! points to a dangerous wingnut shortage in this country. Or, at least, to a shortage of quality wingnuts. I call upon Pastor Swank to start a controlled wingnut breeding programimmediately!
[...] Famous internet Yokels include the Confederate Yankee, Glenn ‘Perfesser Corncob’ Reynolds, the white trash who wholly constitute, Kaye Grogan, and, for many years* the most ostentatiously fascist collective of wingnuts on all seven internets, Freepers. [...]

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