This Week's Pulitzer for Wingnuttery Goes To...

. . .Human Events Online.I don’t think Human Events Online gets all the credit it deserves. Sure, Renew America has a larger stable of loony columnists, NewsMax has more ads designed to appeal to 98-pound weaklings who can’t attract women and who also want to get rich through war profiteering, and WorldNetDaily is selling a greater number of books about how sex-fiend fallen angels built the Washington Monument — but HEO offers a steady supply of wingnuttery on days when everything else palls.Yes, on a day when I am sleep-deprived, out of sorts, and out of ideas (which could be pretty much any day, but today qualifies in spades), HEO can be counted on to provide that all-important low-hanging fruit. (We used to be able to rely on Pastor Swank for our low-hanging fruit supply, but he apparently went to out to wrestle Satan in the desert over the 4th of July holiday, and hasn’t been seen since.)So, let’s see what HEO offers today:

Democrats Use Dead Americans as Campaign Props, by Michael Reagan – Where’s the outrage over DCCC’s commerical?

It’s probably hidden behind the stuffed, mounted body of Ronald Reagan that Micheal is using to prop himself up.

New York Times: Better Dead Than Read, by Ann Coulter –Doing everything in its power to help the terrorists win

In this week’s column, an increasingly marginal Ann tries to reclaim her spot as the nation’s most vile woman from Melanie Morgan by calling for the editor of the NYT to not just be gassed, but also shot, hung, drawn-and-quartered, and his head placed on a spike, and his entrails fed to dogs.  However, nobody cares, and without public outrage to feed her, she starves to death like that Jack the Ripper entity on the old “Star Trek” did when denied the strong emotions that fed him.

Bush’s 2003 Tax Cuts: Wildly Successful by Mike Franc – Will liberals acknowledge the power of tax relief? 

Yes, will liberals ever acknowledge the fact that costly wars combined with tax cuts for the wealthy make good economic sense?

Anyway, as great as all these pieces sound, I think we should head over to “VIEW FROM THE RIGHT,” and check out today’s featured opinion columns. 

First up is Obama Defines Christianity to Include Leftist Ideals, by Janice Shaw Crouse  And I have to say, it’s mighty tasty.  

In it, Janice “Mad at My Mop” explains that Barack Obama’s call for the Left to embrace faith is actually a put-down of the Right, because Obama’s definition of Christianity includes such suspect concepts as helping the poor, accepting others, and loving one’s neighbor

The left is especially adept at wrapping a cloak of moral certainty around their controversial priorities: poverty, economic parity, the environment, social justice and gay marriage.

Yeah, what kind of “Christianity” would consider things like fighting poverty and working for social justice to be a priority?

Hardly anyone questions Obama’s faith, but following the axiom that “actions speak louder than words,” we must point out that he has a 100-percent pro-choice voting record, and he argues that Christianity embraces “universal values” such as “inclusiveness and diversity” –– both code words for a liberal agenda.

And hardly anyone question’s Jesus Christ’s faith, but we must point out that once told a rich young man that he should sell all he owned and give it to the poor – which is code for Marxism!!!  Also, the apostle Paul once preached inclusiveness and diversity to the non-Jewish followers of Christ, saying that they were no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow saints, and citizens of the household of God. That sounds like part of the liberal agenda to me!

But back to Janice.  (And by the way, when she said that hardly anyone questions Obama’s faith, she meant, hardly anyone but her.)

His actual words, too, can be suspect. For instance, in describing his faith he once noted, “There are many paths to the same place.” He believes in a “higher power” but admits that he grew up going to church only on Easter because his mother was a “lonely witness for secular humanism” who believed that “rational, thoughtful people could shape their own destiny.” He is a follower not just of Christianity, he declares, but also “of our civic religion.” He claimed a “personal relationship with Jesus Christ” that began nearly 20 years ago. He denied that it was a conversion experience; instead, he said it raised as many questions as it answered for him.

So, yeah, his faith is pretty questionable, in that it doesn’t meet with Janice’s complete approval, God having given her the charge to evaluate such things for Him.

At a recent “Take Back America” conference, Obama titled his talk, “The End of Small Politics” and described it as an attempt to “reconcile faith with our modern, pluralistic society.” He proclaimed a desire for a “deeper, fuller conversation about religion in this country.” Yet, he began the discussion with long paragraphs of blatant political criticism of the current administration and Congress. He framed his whole argument as a counter to the “2,500 flag-draped coffins that have arrived at Dover Air Force Base.” He declared that the president, while he “loves this country,” has brought a “smallness of politics” and produced a Washington that “hasn’t been willing to make us believe again.”

I think that what Janice is trying to say is that Obama is a hypocrite for saying he wants a deeper, fuller conversation about religion, and then failing to acknowledge that George Bush is God’s only other begotten son.
But anyway, Janice goes on to say that Obama “comes across as a man of conviction and integrity” who is able to grab the spotlight while appearing humble and deferential to his betters, so he may get to be Hillary’s running mate in 2006 – proving that he indeed the antichrist.

Now, let’s briefly check out her piece from last week, “Why Are More Americans Lonely Today?”

Rarely has news from an academic paper struck such a responsive nerve with the general public. The National Science Foundation (NSF) reported in its General Social Survey that unprecedented numbers of Americans are lonely.

So, who or what do you think that Janice blames for this?

• Working women
• The 1960’s
• Secular Humanists
• Television
• Suburbia
• Self-reliance and independence

The correct answer is all of the above.  However, if you wrote ”slutty women who put out before marriage,” that would be acceptable also.

Now, on to our second feature column for today, Targeting Dodge Ball and Other Inanities by David Limbaugh (And yeah, David has a lot of nerve to be talking about inanities).

There was a time in this country when public school teachers could focus on teaching the basics. Today, unfortunately, they are all too often preoccupied with accommodating the silly concerns pervading our society.

To what concerns do I refer? Oh, those such as banning the innocent children’s games of dodge ball, cops and robbers, musical chairs, steal the bacon and tag.

There is an innocent children’s game called “Steal the bacon”? In what hillybilly hellhole is this played? (Because my puppy Flossie wants to go there, since stealing meat products is her most favorite game of all, although its not all that innocent when she does it, despite those puppy dog eyes.)

But let’s hear more about David’s childhood, a golden time when he joined in such innocent pastimes as “steal the bacon,” “steal the pig’s feet and calves liver,” and “steal the Viagra from brother Rush.”

Call me nostalgic for my childhood if you wish — for the days of Beaver Cleaver and Andy Griffith — but I long for the times when cockamamie ideas didn’t pass for reasonable. Bring back the days when kids were allowed to have some harmless fun without certain hair-brained, social engineers coming unglued.

Yeah! Bring back the days of Beaver!  And while you’re at it, bring back the Victorian era, when kids were allowed to clean chimneys and work in mines without any damned social engineers whining about child labor laws and OSHA regulations!

For the record, we played the game all the time in Coach Russell’s PE class at Franklin school, and I can’t remember a single injury, even among the girls who played with us boys. Sure, when the ball hit you it stung slightly, but that was part of the fun of it.

If I were an evil person (which I’m not), I’d lead a call for people to pelt David with dodge balls, since he seems to be into masochism.

So, under the pretense that dodge ball is too dangerous, there is an increasing trend among school districts across the country to ban it. But this seems more of a convenient excuse, as does the objection that the game provides a poor cardiovascular workout.

So, since dodge ball isn’t dangerous (because it’s fun to get smacked in the face with a hard rubber ball), and nobody actually cares about kids cardiovascular health, what is the REAL reason that school districts are banning the game?

According to David, it’s because namby-pamby liberals think that the game can hurt kids feelings, and can be used by bullies to target other kids. David explains why people who thinks this way are so very, very stupid:

These ideas are ludicrous on their face, but there is obviously something else at work here. While the secularists are paranoid lest any vestige of Western values remain in the classroom, they are eager to impose their own values at school.
They tell us they want to promote harmony, community and inclusiveness when what they really want is to push the notion of pacifism and discourage our traditions of competition and rugged individualism.

David is right – if we want Western civilization to endure, we must FORCE kids to play dodge ball, so that they can internalize our Western traditions of competition, rugged individualism, and getting the crap beat out of them.  And, since civilization depends on it, maybe I WILL lead a call to smack David with rubber balls.

But, after all that, I’m not aware of Fox News making a big deal out of some school district’s recent banning of the sacred sport of “Steal the Bacon” (and usually O’Reilly is right on top of these kinds of things). What gives?

This column was originally published in April 2002.

Oh, I see. David is on vacation this week, so they are using an old column that is noteworthy for its timeless wisdom. But I find it highly suspect that David and Pastor Swank are MIA at the same time.  Are they out sharing stories of the halcyon days of childnood and playing “steal the bacon” together, or could the answer be something more sinister?  Only time will tell . . . .

Posted by s.z. on Friday, July 14th, 2006 at 8:07 pm.

COMMENTS:

I think Ann Coulter didn’t exist, so she had to invent herself. What is a cock-throppled harridan to do as her star fades?

Left by Zeno on July 14th, 2006

We went to see Kathy Griffin last night, and she had some choice words about mAnn Coulter,and her insanely evil rantings about the Jersey Widows, and ended with Kathy bugging Matt Lauer (“so whats the deal with her and that cocktail dress? are you fucking her Matt?” to which he replied “Not after today…) It was a wonderfully fun and funny night.

Left by maryc on July 14th, 2006

And yeah, David has a lot of nerve to be talking about inanities

Hell, after what happened to Rush the other week, he has a lot of nerve talking about *balls*!
[rimshot!]
And what the hell *happened* to Matt Lauer anyway? A few years ago, he was kinda teh hawt (in a I’m more-or-less in my forties sort of way). Now he’s Chubby McBaldington, and I *do* mean “eeew!” Sigh. Aging is such a cruel master.

Left by Marq on July 14th, 2006

You may laugh, but Ken Lay’s entire career was based on the valuable lessons he learned in his childhood playing “Steal the Bacon”.

Left by maidhc on July 15th, 2006

Does this bacon stealing thing have anything to do with the pig Bush was so obsessed with the other day?

Left by D. Sidhe on July 15th, 2006

If attending church only at Easter raises questions about the validity of one’s faith it’s time for the Janice Shaw Crouses to acknowledge that this country is 20% Christian, tops. And if we throw in people whose parents were insufficiently rigorous in their church attendance it’s probably more like 15%. Goddam vocal minorities, always clamoring for special treatment.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 15th, 2006

There is an innocent children’s game called “Steal the bacon”? In what hillybilly hellhole is this played?
Missouri, which isn’t called The Puke State for nothing. Non-hillybilly hellholes usually call it Capture the Flag.

Left by Realist on July 15th, 2006

Aging is such a cruel master
Perhaps, but it still beats the alternative.

Left by Realist on July 15th, 2006

Janice, for the record, I know why I’m more lonely these days. If there’s a chance I’m going to run into republicans when I go out, I generally stay home. So far, it’s working for me.
And, hey, if HEO can’t speak to the evils of self-centeredness, who can?

Left by D. Sidhe on July 15th, 2006

“stral the bacon” is what you play before playing “hide the bacon”

Left by tony on July 15th, 2006

Out of curiosity, I did a search for “steal the bacon.” Here’s what I found:
http://tinyurl.com/gt63f
It’s no surprise that it’s not played often: the rules are really anal and most of the “action” involved sitting on the sidelines, watching two kids stare each other down. Maybe that sort of thing appeals to David, I don’t know.

Left by Drew Johnston on July 15th, 2006

I thought “steal the bacon” was what the rest of us call “hide the salami”.

Left by ambigirl on July 15th, 2006

Bush’s 2003 Tax Cuts: Wildly Successful by Mike Franc
Scott, I realize you’re tired and that this was a long column, but you missed an obvious point here…why weren’t the FIRST TWO tax cuts wildly successful?

Left by actor212 on July 15th, 2006

ambigirl Says:
July 15th, 2006 at 11:49 am
I thought “steal the bacon” was what the rest of us call “hide the salami”.
I SO volunteer to show you the difference

Left by actor212 on July 15th, 2006

Wow, this is some primo stupidity here.
Does Limbaugh not remember the spazzy loser kids or does he just not care about them?
I supposes SOMEBODY must enjoy dodgeball, but, among other things, it makes the kids who fail sit at the sidelines, which would seem to start a positive feedback loop. You’re out of shape and uncoordinated so you get “out” which in turn means you get less excercise, which in turn means you’re worse at dodgeball, etc.
Now foursquare, that was a game.

Left by Christopher on July 15th, 2006

While the secularists are paranoid lest any vestige of Western values remain in the classroom, they are eager to impose their own values at school.
Ah yes, dodgeball the foundation of western civilization — manys the time I have reviewed the great Socratic dialogues on dodgeball, and let us not forget the get insight of of rationalism cogito ergo cautum* – “I thing; therefore I dodge”
* Excuse the bad grammer, I am sorley out of practice

Left by sjk on July 15th, 2006

Does Ms. Shaw realize that her two articles complete contradict themselves. She obviously isn’t a master of debate because in her first article mentioned she advocates against Obama’s “liberal values” –> Many of which involve helping others and building the community, then in her second article she whines about how America has lost its sense of community. Sorry Janice, can’t have it both ways. Message to the right–> Try for some intellectual consistency here folks. Lastly, I dont know where the hell Ms. Shaw grew up but it must have been some Biblical fairytale land of Scripture readings, revivals, “Old Time Gospel Hour” with Gram-maw and Gram-paw, followed by a cross burning or some such fun. People like her sicken me.

Left by Anonymous on July 15th, 2006

Come on, I’ve seen pics of David and his fat twit brother. Along with the Doughy Pantoload they make up the trio of non-athletic boys in every gym class in America. The reason why people like Limbaugh, Limbaugh and Pantload profess their love “manly” games is precisely because they were the ones on the sideline with their asthma inhalers back in 9th grade. But now they get to talk all macho and no one will make fun of their cheetos stanined hands clutching their albuterol.
Remember, there is a reason people talk tough and it’s not because they can back it up. Those who are the most powerful are often the most subdued.

Left by justin on July 15th, 2006

When I played it in elementary school, it was called Bring Home the Bacon. I remember it as being tense and fun. I can’t imagine anyone trying to ban such a non-violent activity outside of the Lesser Limbaugh’s fevered imagination.

Left by GeoX on July 16th, 2006

When we played it as young boarding school students stranded on a desert island, we called it “Kill the Pig.”

Left by Chris Vosburg on July 16th, 2006

The way that Murder by Dodgeball in the ’60s was played back home in Sundown Town, California, the nerdy kids with thick glasses were eliminated first with shots to the face. (Who then got beaten at home for “breaking your glasses.”)
When the bell rang to line up at the end of recess, the common cry was, “Last one is in a ni**er baby!”
One can see why David Limbaugh is so nostalgic for those good, good times…

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on July 16th, 2006

Steal the bacon? hmmm sounds like his other favorite game. squeal like a pig?
and I agree 4 squares ruled

Left by mad cowboy on July 17th, 2006

The image of Michael Reagan’s “stuffed, mounted body” of Ronnie reduced me to helpless laughter. Now, how do I get it out of my head?

Left by eagle on July 18th, 2006

eagle, I’m afraid we’re all stuck with the imagery. Please recall that Michael Reagan’s ascendancy in the public eye came in exact symmetry with his father’s decline. Neither his adoptive mother Jane Wyman not stepmother Nancy ever had any use for him. In fact, when Maureen Reagan was briefly married, for the first time, to a Marine, Nancy asked him if he could get Michael sent to Vietnam…

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on July 18th, 2006

Every time I hear someone say something like they want to go back to the days of Beaver Cleaver, I reply, “Oh, so you want to go back to the days of Emmett Till, huh? I’ll fight you.”

Left by W. Kiernan on July 23rd, 2006