The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 21, 2011

April 13, 2006 by s.z.


Press Briefing Theater


Starring Jon Lovitz as Tommy Flannigan ... I mean, Scottie McClellan. (Yeah, that's the ticket!) 
We join a Press Briefing already in progress:
Q The Vice President, as late as January 2004, was still stating that they were weapons labs.

MR. McCLELLAN: There were a number of people who were still talking about that issue for quite some time.

Anyway, in honor of Scott McClellan's demand that the Media Should “Publicly Apologize” For Reporting On Mobile Weapons Lab Story, and his refusal yesterday to say When White House Learned Of Report Debunking Bio Lab Claims, Scott C. has suggested a repeat of this popular* Wo'C feature from February 2004. 

Can This Marriage Be Saved?  A One Act Play


[Scott, a White House Press Secretary, comes home from work unexpectedly to find his wife having sex with another man.]
Scott: BettyLou!  What is going on here?  What are you doing naked, with my best friend Bob?

MaryLou
: I'm sorry?  What was your question exactly?

Scott:
 I want to know why you're having sex with another man. 

MaryLou:
 Scott, marriage is an institution between a man and a woman.  Bob is a man, and I'm a woman, and you weren't home, so I thought you'd be okay with it.

Scott:
 I'm NOT okay with it!  You broke your marriage vows!

MaryLou
: Scott, honey, just calm down.  You know that I'm focused the issue of marriage and feel that marriage should be protected, because it is an enduring institution in this country.  So, we're in agreement, right?  Now, what did you do with your paycheck -- I need to pay some bikini wax bills.

Scott:
 But, but, you promised to forsake all others, but now I find you sleeping with another man. 
 

Mary Lou
: I said that IF NECESSARY I would forsake all others.  I don't think we ever determined if it has become necessary or not.  But you just calm down, have a drink or something to pull yourself together, and then we can all discuss this like adults.

[10 minutes later.  Scott returns to the bedroom to find MaryLou and Bob at it again.]


Scott:
 Mary Lou!  Bob!  You. . .you gutter politicians!  You trash rollers!  Cheating on me in my own bed!

[MaryLou sighs, rolls her eyes, and appears vexed.]


MaryLou:
 This was addressed previously, Scott.  I'm not going to continue to respond to something that was already dealt with.  I think that, again, this goes to show that some are not interested in the facts of whether or not I am your wife, but are instead trying to invent issues for partisan political gain.  So I've had enough of your outrageous and baseless accusations.  The American people deserve better, and I'm focused on acting decisively to meet those challenges.

Scott:
 You can't change the subject this way!  You betrayed me!  And with my best friend too!  Why shouldn't I get my gun and shoot you both right where you're lying?

MaryLou:
 At a time when we are confronting dangerous new threats, we have to focus on our highest priorities, which are combating terrorism and confronting the spread of weapons of mass destruction.  From very early on in my administration as your wife, I made it a high priority to confront the dangerous new threats we face in this day and age. Let's have an honest discussion about the type of leadership people are providing to confront those threats. That's what the American people deserve.  

Scott:
 What the hell are you talking about?  Speak English for just once, woman!

MaryLou:
 I gave your gun away, Scott.  No more gun.  But I'm glad we were able to achieve a joint resolve to work together to strengthen this marriage, which is a sacred institution, and I look forward to four more years of marital happiness.

Scott:
 You bitch!  Why should I stay married to you?  You vowed to cleave only unto me, but you cleaved to Bob!  Twice!  

MaryLou:
 There's going to be plenty of time to talk about the choices we face and the statements people have made.  Why don't you take the dog for a walk, and when you get back, I will show you undeniable proof that I've been faithful to you.

Scott.
  How could you do that?

MaryLou
: Your wife certainly is someone who does what she says she is going to do and someone who means what she says. And I think that's reflected in the actions she takes.  

Scott:
  Well, okay.

[He leaves with the dog, and comes back an hour later.  MaryLou is now in bed with Scott's brother.]


Scott:
  You whore!  Cheating on me with my own brother!

MaryLou:
 You're taking everything out of context.  It is sad to see someone stoop to this level, to say anything or try to do anything for political gain. The American people deserve better.  

Scott:
 Oh, just shut up, shut up!  I thought you were going to show me proof that you had been faithful?

[MaryLou shows him a copy of her marriage certificate, and a calendar with some days checked off.]


MaryLou
: There.  The certificate is proof that I am your legal and lawful wife, and since marriage is an institution between one man and one woman, how could I be in this institution with anybody else?  And those days I've checked on the calendar were days that I was having my period, and didn't feel like sleeping with anybody.   So, that proves that I have honorably fulfilled my duties, and am a good and faithful wife.  Now, could you give us some privacy?  Thanks.

The End

11:36:50 PM    



In Other News, Ann Coulter Gets Photoshopped Boobs


 

Thanks to NewsMax, I have all the news about Ann's new book (the most important fact being that I can get it for $4.99).
Ann Coulter's New Book
Just $4.99


Ann Coulter's long-awaited new book is due out in June - but it's already creating major media buzz.
Suuuurrrrre it is.  That's why when I did a Google News search for info on the book, I only got three hits.
And the crowd goes wild ("yay").
The Drudge Report says that "Godless: The Church of Liberalism" is such a hot item that Ann Coulter "received one of the largest advances paid to a conservative author" for the manuscript.
Well, if you're going to say that Drudge is part of the major media, then I guess there are FOUR news stories about her book.

BTW, Ann's best buddy Drudge said:
Controversialist and bestselling author Ann Coulter is on the verge of signing a new publishing deal valued at near $3 million, sources tell the DRUDGE REPORT -- a deal which would become the highwater mark for an advance paid to a conservative author!
And the low water mark of Western civilization.

But back to NewsMax:
In her book, Ann holds nothing back in detailing liberalism's war on religion and yes, God. Reportedly, chapter titles include "On the Seventh Day God Rested and Liberals Schemed" and "The Holiest Sacrament: Abortion."
Reportedly, ho hum.  (Like we haven't heard everything Ann has to say on these topics about 666 times previously.)
Ann Coulter has authored blockbuster after blockbuster, including "Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism" and "Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right."
She is the conservative liberals hate most . . . and her latest "Godless" will only add to their anger.
Speaking on behalf of liberals everywhere, I want to assure NewsMax (and the simps who read it) that we don't hate Ann, we pity her.  (And we feel nothing but amused contempt for anyone who buys her book because they think that by doing so they are angering the Left.)
Special offer: NewsMax.com wants you to get Ann Coulter's "Godless" at an amazing low price of $4.95 along with a FREE 4-month trial subscription to NewsMax Magazine.
NewsMax Magazine, like NewsMax.com, brings you exclusive stories the major media won't report.
Wow, NewsMax brings me stories that not even Drudge will report -- that's a real selling point!  (Because if no other news source will touch these stories, then it follows that they have to be important, well-sourced, and above all, TRUE!)
Even the liberal media can't ignore NewsMax Magazine - which has been cited on "Meet the Press with Tim Russert," CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and many other outlets.
Yes, the liberal media (consisting of Tim Russert, Fox News, MSNBC's "Scarborough Country," etc.) can't ignore NewsMax Mag -- because it contains extra wingnutty goodness for those days when it's important to distract the rubes from the real news.
Nationally syndicated radio host Michael Reagan, son of the late President Reagan, says: "I guarantee that you'll love NewsMax Magazine. The liberal media moguls hate NewsMax."
The NewsMax slogan: "Buy our products just to annoy those liberal media moguls who are monitoring all your purchases -- after all, isn't your identity founded on getting people to hate you?"
And Ann Coulter says NewsMax is her mother's favorite magazine.
In that case, sign me up for TWO subscriptions (and send medical help to Mrs. Coulter for me)!

Oh, and speaking of Ann's overpriced prose, her latest column "Brown is the new black" is about how we are ruining America by letting brown people live here.

Here's a snippet from it:
There are more than 6 billion people in the world, many of whom apparently like the idea of living in the wealthiest democracy on Earth. But if the billions of people of the world did live here, it wouldn't be "here" anymore. America is special for a reason that must transcend the right to vote -- or everyone would be trying to immigrate to Iraq right now.
Yes, America is special because it's like one of those exclusive country clubs from Ann's childhood. 
Now you can see why Ann is worth $3 million a pop.

P.S.   You might want to check out the link to Ann's column just to see the Townhall image of Ann's new book cover -- Ann looks WAY spooky in that photo.  (I'm not sure if it's because of plastic surgery gone horribly wrong, or is simply a result of improperly prescribed psychotropic drugs.)

12:01:43 AM    

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