Press Briefing TheaterStarring Jon Lovitz as Tommy Flannigan ... I mean, Scottie McClellan. (Yeah, that's the ticket!) We join a Press Briefing already in progress:
Anyway, in honor of Scott McClellan's demand that the Media Should “Publicly Apologize” For Reporting On Mobile Weapons Lab Story, and his refusal yesterday to say When White House Learned Of Report Debunking Bio Lab Claims, Scott C. has suggested a repeat of this popular* Wo'C feature from February 2004. Can This Marriage Be Saved? A One Act Play [Scott, a White House Press Secretary, comes home from work unexpectedly to find his wife having sex with another man.] Scott: BettyLou! What is going on here? What are you doing naked, with my best friend Bob? MaryLou: I'm sorry? What was your question exactly? Scott: I want to know why you're having sex with another man. MaryLou: Scott, marriage is an institution between a man and a woman. Bob is a man, and I'm a woman, and you weren't home, so I thought you'd be okay with it. Scott: I'm NOT okay with it! You broke your marriage vows! MaryLou: Scott, honey, just calm down. You know that I'm focused the issue of marriage and feel that marriage should be protected, because it is an enduring institution in this country. So, we're in agreement, right? Now, what did you do with your paycheck -- I need to pay some bikini wax bills. Scott: But, but, you promised to forsake all others, but now I find you sleeping with another man. Mary Lou: I said that IF NECESSARY I would forsake all others. I don't think we ever determined if it has become necessary or not. But you just calm down, have a drink or something to pull yourself together, and then we can all discuss this like adults. [10 minutes later. Scott returns to the bedroom to find MaryLou and Bob at it again.] Scott: Mary Lou! Bob! You. . .you gutter politicians! You trash rollers! Cheating on me in my own bed! [MaryLou sighs, rolls her eyes, and appears vexed.] MaryLou: This was addressed previously, Scott. I'm not going to continue to respond to something that was already dealt with. I think that, again, this goes to show that some are not interested in the facts of whether or not I am your wife, but are instead trying to invent issues for partisan political gain. So I've had enough of your outrageous and baseless accusations. The American people deserve better, and I'm focused on acting decisively to meet those challenges. Scott: You can't change the subject this way! You betrayed me! And with my best friend too! Why shouldn't I get my gun and shoot you both right where you're lying? MaryLou: At a time when we are confronting dangerous new threats, we have to focus on our highest priorities, which are combating terrorism and confronting the spread of weapons of mass destruction. From very early on in my administration as your wife, I made it a high priority to confront the dangerous new threats we face in this day and age. Let's have an honest discussion about the type of leadership people are providing to confront those threats. That's what the American people deserve. Scott: What the hell are you talking about? Speak English for just once, woman! MaryLou: I gave your gun away, Scott. No more gun. But I'm glad we were able to achieve a joint resolve to work together to strengthen this marriage, which is a sacred institution, and I look forward to four more years of marital happiness. Scott: You bitch! Why should I stay married to you? You vowed to cleave only unto me, but you cleaved to Bob! Twice! MaryLou: There's going to be plenty of time to talk about the choices we face and the statements people have made. Why don't you take the dog for a walk, and when you get back, I will show you undeniable proof that I've been faithful to you. Scott. How could you do that? MaryLou: Your wife certainly is someone who does what she says she is going to do and someone who means what she says. And I think that's reflected in the actions she takes. Scott: Well, okay. [He leaves with the dog, and comes back an hour later. MaryLou is now in bed with Scott's brother.] Scott: You whore! Cheating on me with my own brother! MaryLou: You're taking everything out of context. It is sad to see someone stoop to this level, to say anything or try to do anything for political gain. The American people deserve better. Scott: Oh, just shut up, shut up! I thought you were going to show me proof that you had been faithful? [MaryLou shows him a copy of her marriage certificate, and a calendar with some days checked off.] MaryLou: There. The certificate is proof that I am your legal and lawful wife, and since marriage is an institution between one man and one woman, how could I be in this institution with anybody else? And those days I've checked on the calendar were days that I was having my period, and didn't feel like sleeping with anybody. So, that proves that I have honorably fulfilled my duties, and am a good and faithful wife. Now, could you give us some privacy? Thanks. The End 11:36:50 PM  |
In Other News, Ann Coulter Gets Photoshopped Boobs Thanks to NewsMax, I have all the news about Ann's new book (the most important fact being that I can get it for $4.99).
Suuuurrrrre it is. That's why when I did a Google News search for info on the book, I only got three hits.
And the crowd goes wild ("yay").
Well, if you're going to say that Drudge is part of the major media, then I guess there are FOUR news stories about her book. BTW, Ann's best buddy Drudge said:
And the low water mark of Western civilization. But back to NewsMax:
Reportedly, ho hum. (Like we haven't heard everything Ann has to say on these topics about 666 times previously.)
Speaking on behalf of liberals everywhere, I want to assure NewsMax (and the simps who read it) that we don't hate Ann, we pity her. (And we feel nothing but amused contempt for anyone who buys her book because they think that by doing so they are angering the Left.)
Wow, NewsMax brings me stories that not even Drudge will report -- that's a real selling point! (Because if no other news source will touch these stories, then it follows that they have to be important, well-sourced, and above all, TRUE!)
Yes, the liberal media (consisting of Tim Russert, Fox News, MSNBC's "Scarborough Country," etc.) can't ignore NewsMax Mag -- because it contains extra wingnutty goodness for those days when it's important to distract the rubes from the real news.
The NewsMax slogan: "Buy our products just to annoy those liberal media moguls who are monitoring all your purchases -- after all, isn't your identity founded on getting people to hate you?"
In that case, sign me up for TWO subscriptions (and send medical help to Mrs. Coulter for me)! Oh, and speaking of Ann's overpriced prose, her latest column "Brown is the new black" is about how we are ruining America by letting brown people live here. Here's a snippet from it:
Yes, America is special because it's like one of those exclusive country clubs from Ann's childhood. Now you can see why Ann is worth $3 million a pop. P.S. You might want to check out the link to Ann's column just to see the Townhall image of Ann's new book cover -- Ann looks WAY spooky in that photo. (I'm not sure if it's because of plastic surgery gone horribly wrong, or is simply a result of improperly prescribed psychotropic drugs.) 12:01:43 AM |
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