The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 21, 2011

January 19, 2006 by s.z.


Happy BirthdayMerlallen!


On your special day, please enjoy this Ann Coulter graphic created by Tad Czeslaw  -- yes, it's much nicer than the birthday presents we usually give, but we're in a good mood today, and anyway, Tad is treating (thanks, Tad). 



2:31:40 PM    



The Bill O'Reilly Contest


From Bill's Fox Site, we learn that Fox News is sponsoring a "Punch Out Bill" contest: 
Would you like to sit on the set of "The Factor" and let Bill O'Reilly have it?!
Sure!  We all would!
The Great "Factor" Debate contest is underway and here's the deal:
During the month of February six lucky "Factor" viewers will be flown to New York City or Los Angeles (depending on which city we're broadcasting from) with hotel and meals paid for by us.
All you have to do is convince us by e-mail (and later by telephone) that you are a good debater and that you can hold your own with O'Reilly on a topic of your choosing.
Good luck!
Oh, so you don't actually get to "let Bill have it" in the sense of "give him what he has coming to him"?  Well, never mind then!

But wait, it could still be fun, maybe.  According to the rules, what we need to do is send an email to oreillycontest@foxnews.com "with a suggestion for a topic that the winner will debate with Bill O’Reilly. You should submit a paragraph of no more than 100 words describing the topic as well as your personal view."

Here's a topic off the top of my head:
Loofahs vs. wash clothes: which is better for getting a woman's nipples really hard?
My personal view is that falafel doesn't belong in a shower.
Here's another topic idea:
Vibrators: Does every woman own a vibrator?  What about men? And where do men place theirs?  Which kind of vibrator is best?  What do you think of the ones that are shaped like a cock -- are they better than the "rabbit" ones made famous by "Sex and the City"?  Do YOU own a vibrator, Mr. O'Reilly?  What did you name it?  I bet it's named "Roger."
My personal view on this topic is that one shouldn't discuss it with one's subordinates.
Oh, here's a serious topic suggestion:
War in our Time: We all know about the War on Christmas (and the equally serious, but less well known War on the Easter Bunny).  But what about the War on Groundhog Day?  Shouldn't we all be up in arms over the way the ACLU, the secularists, the New York Times, and the Jews are trying to strip this holiday of its religious origins?  Shouldn't we boycott all merchants who don't mention the Virgin Mary's ritual purification, and the Christ child's presentation in the temple (and Proserpine's seasonal escape from the Underworld) in their holiday advertising?  And aren't people of faith being persecuted if shop girls fail to wish them a "Blessed Groundhog Day" during this holiday period (which officially begins on Boxing Day)?  What do you have against groundhogs, Mr. O'Reilly?
My personal view on this topic is that declaring that there's a war on a holiday is the sign of a desperate media personality who feels slighted because Roger Ailes will no longer take his calls, and who knows that his wife is sleeping with the pool man.  Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Anyway, you should think of your own topic (and share it with the rest of us).
Now, for the contest's fine print:
2) Judging: All entries will be judged by members of the Fox News staff, who will cull the entries and make contact with a limited number of entries. Those contacted will be asked to submit a picture of themselves.
Those photos deemed best for wanking purposes will be forwarded to Mr. O'Reilly for his personal consideration.  He will then call a limited number of entries to share with them his thoughts about Caribbean vacations.

No, wait, that wasn't nice -- obviously, the real reason that Fox News needs a photo for those contestants who make it past the primary culling stage is that ugly people can't be on TV.  (John Gibson is just the exception who proves the rule.  As is Bill.)

And the phone calls are just to ensure that you can hold your own with Bill in a completely non-sexual way, while he holds his own (and uses his favorite vibrator).
6)  Right to Use Your Submission and Information About You [...] You shall have no right of approval, no claim to compensation, and no claim (including, without limitation, claims based on invasion of privacy, defamation, or right of publicity) arising out of any use, blurring, alteration, or use in composite form of your name, picture, likeness, address (city and state), e mail address, biographical information, or entry. [...] Any person attempting to defraud or in any way tamper with this Contest and any person who does not comply with these Official Rules, will be ineligible for any prize(s) and may be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
If you are ugly, Fox News has the right to blur your image.  If you win the debate with Bill, Fox has the right to alter the tape to make it appear otherwise.  If you later accuse Bill of sexual harassment, Fox has the right to publish your name, address, email address, and biographical info in an attempt to defame you, but you have no right to sue the network.  And if you cross Fox News Channel, Roger Ailes will go after you, and one day you will get a knock at the door, and BAM!, life as you know it will change forever.  This goes all the way to the top.  To the top of the country.
7) Release of Liability and Issues of Law: By participating all entrants agree ... that entrant will defend, indemnify & hold harmless Sponsor, Bill O’Reilly, and the Contest Entities from & against any liability, loss, injury or damage of any kind (including attorney’s fees) to any person or entity including, without limitation, personal injury, death or damage to personal or real property ...
If you or your personal property is damaged or killed, Fox News, Bill, and the Contest Entity aren't responsible.  You agree to hold Fox, etc. harmless even if your personal property (or you) got a knock at the door, and BAM!, Roger Ailes shot it (or you) between the head.  Or even if Bill's evil alter-ego, Shannon Michaels, stabbed it in the brain with an ice tea spoon, or slipped down its panties and within seconds his toungue was inside it, moving rapidly. After all, you knew the risks going in (and you did signal your desire by either removing your skirt and shirt, or submitting your entry to this contest), so there will be no suing Fox just because somebody is personally injured, or dies or something .
But in any case, if you have any ideas for debate topics, feel free to share them here.  Even if we don't like them, we promise not to have your personal property killed.

2:31:07 AM   

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