Coot Time!Yes, it's time to let the old-timers have the floor -- because if we don't, you know they'll just throw their dentures at us until we do pay attention to them.
"A poll recently conducted by California-based Barna Research Group, found 85 percent of Christian men are not "spiritually challenged," according to a statement from Promise Keepers, a Colorado-based men's organization. [...] The nature of man is to fight. For thousands of years men have filled stadiums to watch gladiators battle. Whether it is a Roman Coliseum or a modern-day college football game, men turn out in droves to live vicariously through the warriors on the field. The battle is exhilarating, touching us in the deepest part of our maleness. Deep in his heart, any man worthy of his testosterone longs for the battle. Pastors, do you really want to know why men are not "spiritually challenged"?
They have no battle.
Well, based on Coach Dave's examples, I think the real problem is that the men don't have any battles during church that they can live through vicariously. So, the solution would be to schedule some Roman Coliseum-style spectacles during services -- you know, a couple of Christians versus some ACLU lions or secularist gladiators. Optimally, the Christians would be the pastor and a prominent Christian like Coach Dave, but to increase the sense of audience identification, two men from the congregation could be selected (either via a lottery, or based on their unsatisfactory donations to the collection plate).
Alternatively, the sermon would be replaced by a live football game, with professional players representing our congregation going up against a team fielded by the Methodists or such (Phyllis Schflafly could be a cheerleader). The Christian Super Bowl would decide which faith is the truest for that year.
Or, we could send whiny, unchallenged men to Iraq -- there are plenty of battles there.
In any case, men are sick and tired of helping the orphans and widows and the poor -- they want to kick some ass for Jesus's sake, like men should. Coach Dave give us the details: Longing to do something great for Christ, we have instead been given effeminate, nursery school duties. How many dishes do we have to wash? How much bread must we hand out to the needy? How many men’s breakfasts do we attend before we find that passion…that fire that ignites our heart? We love the Lord, and long to serve Him, but why is it the average Joe would rather attend an Ohio State football game than join our men’s group for a trip to the local nursing home?
The Lion of the Tribe of Judah lives in us and is itching to roar. Unfortunately, the church is trying to domesticate us, trying to transform the Lion into a Lamb.
Damn church, trying to make men serve their fellow man instead of killing them!
But let's hear about Coach Dave's battle -- it should give men in our audience some vicarious thrills, as they hear how he went from effeminized girly-boy to proud, brave, testosterone-laden heckler of abortion rights protesters. Five years ago I was an effeminized Christian man. A leader of men in the real world, I was a pew sitter in the church, expecting the pastor and the women to do the church business. Content to do dishes, pray for with my kids, and turn the other cheek, it took a blindside attack from the ACLU for me to awaken. Sued for having the audacity to pray with our football teams, I was unceremoniously drug kicking and screaming into the cultural war. For the first time in my life I was confronted with the question "How does a Christian man act?" With my back to the wall I was faced with the option to roll over or fight.
I have been swinging away ever since.In 2002 we organized a group of lion-hearted Christians who were sick and tired of watching Americas foundation be destroyed. [...] We are in the game, and our Faith has come alive.
While millions of Christians gathered in the safety of their church on Sunday April 25th, the Minutemen, and women, (www.minutemenunited.org) trekked to Washington D.C. to stand for life against those who were marching for death. Hundreds of thousands of pro-death marchers spewed venom and hatred at us as we proudly defended the unborn. "Hey buddy", we yelled at the effeminized men in the parade who marched dutifully behind their bossy women, "Real men raise babies, they don’t kill them." Seems pretty radical, eh?
It was the most gratifying church service of my life!
Yes, it's way more gratifying to heckle hen-pecked, effeminized men in an pro-choice march than it is to, say, feed the hungry, free the captives, or cure the sick -- that is, if you're a Christian man. That's because men aren't supposed to be women, they're supposed to be warriors.
Or lions.
Here's the story of how Coach Dave found his church at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo. As we walked by the glassed-in, fake mountains so prevalent in zoos today I strained to get a look at the majestic lions. Certainly they were there, probably lying in the shade, waiting on some fresh meat from the zookeeper. To my dismay, no cats were to be seen.
Suddenly, my daughter yelled, "Up here, Dad." I carried my sweat-soaked body a few paces, to the entrance of the building where the lions were housed. As we walked in, the coolness of the air conditioning offered an immediate relief from the scorching sun. Looking to my left, behind the glass, stood a majestic lion on the top of the miniature-golf-like mountain. With his fluffy mane proudly furled, the King of the Beasts walked down the path, stopped in front of our family, and looked us in the eye. I stood transfixed by this huge animal, feeling as if he had been waiting for me.
"Finally", he must have been thinking, "someone who understands."
Um, yeah. That's what the lion was thinking when he looked at Coach Dave, and not "If it weren't for this glass, I'd rip out that human's throat, lap his blood, and then carry off his kid to eat at my leisure." He threw back his large head, shook his yoke-like mane, bared his teeth, and trumpeted a roar that shook the entire auditorium.
"There is my church," the Lord said to my heart. The Lion of the Tribe of Judah, trapped in the air-conditioning, bored by life, waiting to be fed…..longing to roar.
Yes, it's time to remove Coach Dave's church from the amenities of civilization, and send it back to the sweltering jungle where it can feed on gazelles and warthogs like nature intended. At no time in American history has the need been greater for Christian men who are willing to roar.
That's nice Just be sure that Suzanne Fields doesn't mistake you for a tiger, because she always gets tigers confused with terrorists.
2. Now, here's a message from Pat Buchanan, who has found a more manly replacement for Jesus, as he explains in the WorldNetDaily column "What would Jack Bauer do?" To Jack Bauer, as to Clint Eastwood's Detective "Dirty Harry" Callahan, vigilante justice is not only preferable to no justice at all, it is the best kind. Evil men should get what they deserve, without legal complications.
Yeah, who needs all that stupid due process stuff! In fact, who needs that stupid Constitution and all its blather about civil rights -- we just let Dirty George Bush do whatever it takes to keep us safe, even if it is illegal, and then we accept him as our personal savior. "24" satisfies the innate demand in all of us that, the law aside, evil should be punished and justice done.
That the audience for "24" is so loyal and large should tell us something about America and our divisions over the war we are in.
Yes, we should make most of our foreign policy decisions based on TV ratings. For weeks, Democrats and their media allies have been on Bush's case for using the National Security Agency to intercept, without warrant, phone calls and e-mails to terror suspects abroad. Before that, Bush was charged with using secret detention centers in Eastern Europe to interrogate suspects. Before that, the military was accused of abusing prisoners at Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo and Afghanistan. Before that, the Justice Department was charged with violating the civil rights of Jose Padilla and the Shoe-bomber. Bush thus stands accused of violating the Geneva Convention on treatment of prisoners of war, ignoring constitutional protections of U.S. citizens, and violating international agreements prohibiting torture and the "rendition" of prisoners to countries where torture is practiced.
And what lesson should we take from this? No, not that the Bush administration is immoral and lawless, but that the American people have voted, via their TV viewing preferences, for Bush's policies over morals or laws. The left may be right on the law, but the people seem to be standing by Bush. Believing the character of this war, where the enemy's preferred tactic is to slaughter civilians with terror bombings, people seem to agree that we have to follow Jack Bauer's rules, not American Civil Liberties Union rules.
The "ACLU rules" presumably being the Constitution. Yet one senses that Americans are conflicted. We want to think of ourselves as decent people who fight wars honorably. But we believe the enemies of 9-11 are so evil, so depraved, they forfeit the right to be treated honorably. And while we believe in constitutional rights, human rights, civil rights, Miranda warnings and all that, we also believe in winning our wars. For without victory in the war on terror, freedom may not survive.
"Success alone justifies war," said Von Moltke, as Germany prepared to violate Belgium's neutrality to outflank France in 1914. Americans appear to believe that, too.
Um, should we really be taking advice from dead German generals on the subject of violating international law in order to win wars, seeing as how they lost that one? Now, Jack Bauer does not exist, and "24" is made-for-TV escapist entertainment. As we cheer or laugh out loud at his daring exploits, however, one wonders what liberal Democrats of the ACLU variety would do to a real-life Jack Bauer?
My guess: Put him in Leavenworth for life. But President Palmer knew his value, because President Palmer knew the real world.
I guess Pat's point is that a character in a TV show knows more about the real world than the liberal Democrats do. Also, that Jack Bauer knows more about dealing with evil that Jesus does, so whenever a question comes up about whether lying, torture, breaking the law, murder, etc. are okay during a War on Terror, we should ask ourselves what Jack would do, and then act accordingly.
3. Lastly we have Dr. Professor Mike S. Adams, our favorite middle-aged coot. He once again uses his column to reply to one of his purported correspondents -- this time he tells Daisy "Why I don’t take feminists seriously." Dear Daisy: First of all, let me tell you how thrilled I am to receive hate mail from a feminist named “Daisy.” I can’t think of many names – with the possible exceptions of Coco, Mercedes, and Jasmine – that could make you sound less like a feminist and more like a stripper in a club that offers two-dollar table dances.
Apparently Dr. Mike knows all of the two-dollar lap dancers by name.
Anyway, his reasons for not taking feminists seriously are:
1. He thinks feminism achieved all its goals once women were allowed to vote, work outside the home, and wear shoes.
2. Feminists say mean things about him behind his back. (Or, as he put it, "Feminists are usually drawn together by an inability to deal with men. When they get together, whether in a small group or a large one, criticism of males tends to dominate the discourse.") Let me give you an example. A few days after I made an appearance on The O’Reilly Factor – to talk about race and class, not gender – two feminists gathered outside my office to criticize some pro-life bumper stickers that were posted on my door. One feminist stated that it must be difficult to have to come to work every day on the same floor with such a sexist professor. The other said they should keep their voices low because I might overhear them. Since I was actually in my office at the time (with the door shut) I did overhear them.
Despite the fact that the conversation began with one feminist trying to sooth another, they soon worked themselves into a frenzy. The mere repetition of words such as “patriarchal,” phallocentric,” and “male-dominated” has an effect like the one described in George Orwell’s 1984. If you want to see the “two minutes hate” in practice just attend an annual “Take Back the Night” march or The Vagina Monologues.
As you'll note, Dr. Mike's appearance on "The O'Reilly Factor" had nothing to do with the rest of the story -- but keep in mind that he was on TV, while the two women weren't, so they should never have complained about what a jerk he is.
Oh, and Dr. Mike, you're so vain, you probably think this feminist movement is about you, don't you? 3. A former secretary in his department once complained about her husband's erectile dysfunction within Dr. Mike's hearing, thus causing Dr. Mike's wienie to lose its starch.
4. Feminists always lie -- as opposed to Dr. Mike, who always tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. (See for example his column on Senator Julia Boseman, "If your brother is the father of your child?", in which he implies that Ms. Boseman conceived her child through hillbilly incest.) Those are just a few reasons, Daisy. I eagerly await your response, so I can treat my readers to part two of the series. After all, these may be the best tips you get all year.
Ha ha. See, Daisy is just a two-dollar lap dancer, and so gets lousy tips from her clients, while Dr. Mike is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, a regular columnist for Townhall.com, and a customer at clubs that offer two-dollar lap dancers -- so he is way better than her, and can patronize her because of her given name.
Those were our coots for today, but we'll let Grandpa Simpson have the last word. Here he explains coot tactics: We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, sooo I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. ...
UPDATE: Bartholomew has a great piece about Coach Dave and his victory over the ACLU. And Jill at Feministe has more about Dr. Mike and his reasons for hating and fearing women feminists.
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