November 22, 2005 by s.z.

Top Five Stories of the Day By scouring the center-right blogs, studying the mainstream media, and making use of prayer and clairvoyant dreams, I have determined the day's most important news stories.  I will now share them with you, in the hopes that some Silicon Valley investors will give me $3.5 million. #1 Story for 22 November, 2005: Teen charged with having sex with dummy [Insert your own joke here] Now, the real story: SIOUX FALLS, S.D., Nov. 21 (UPI) -- A South Dakota teenager has been charged with indecent exposure for allegedly having sex with a mannequin. A security guard found Michael James Plentyhorse, 18, sans pants on the floor in the Washington High School Alumni Room in Sioux Falls, S.D., with a half-naked female mannequin, the Sioux Falls Argus Leader reported. "There was inappropriate activity between him and the mannequin," a police spokesman told the newspaper. "That's the only way I know how to put it." The spokesman said security staff had reported the same mannequin found undressed on several occasions. Well, as inappropriate as this was, it sounds like a healthier relationship than this one. 4:20:00 AM

Story #2: CNN ATTEMPTS TO X-OUT DICK CHENEY! DRUDGE broke this important story: CNN MARKS CHENEY: NETWORK FLASHES 'X' OVER VP'S FACE DURING LIVE SPEECH **Exclusive** At 11:04:45 AM ET Monday CNN was airing Vice President Dick Cheney's speech live from the American Enterprise Institute in Washington -- when a large black 'X' repeatedly flashed over the vice president's face! The 'X' over Cheney's face appeared each time less than a second, creating an odd subliminal effect. [...] Developing... WorldNetDaily updates the story in their piece "CNN covers Cheney with mysterious 'X'": "This is the vice president of the United States. It is rather serious to be putting black 'Xs' over his face," online journalist Matt Drudge said on tonight's "Hannity & Colmes" program on the Fox News Channel. "I felt it rather alarming that this is subliminally being sent out over the airwaves. ... I'm just knocked out." Well, who wouldn't be?  I mean, good gad, while airing one story they repeatedly put an "X" over the Vice President's face for a fraction of a second!  This is even scarier than Newt Gingrich's report that Iran planned to launch a backwardsization attack on a third of our country! The TVNewser website obtained a statement from a CNN spokesperson, explaining: "Upon seeing this unfortunate but very brief graphic, CNN senior management immediately investigated. We concluded this was a technological malfunction, not an issue of operator error. A portion of the switcher experienced a momentary glitch. We obviously regret that it happened and are working on the equipment to ensure it is not repeated." "It glitched over and over again, huh?" Drudge responded. "The timing of the glitch is interesting." Drudge is right -- obviously this is some sort of liberal conspiracy to subliminally brainwash our country into assassinating the Vice President.  And that's how I'm responding to this WorldNetDaily Daily Poll about the incident. Here are the results of that poll at this point in time: What do you make of CNN covering Cheney's face with a giant 'X'? A cheap shot at Cheney, but what to you expect from the Clinton News Network? 31.73% (204) Clearly, CNN was sending an intentional, negative message about Cheney 24.26% (156) The subliminal nature of this is very disturbing. What else are they flashing that we don't see? 14.00% (90) This borders on a threat on Cheney's life, call the Secret Service 9.49% (61)  It may have been an electronic glitch, but CNN needs to make a loud, on-air public apology 7.31% (47) It's irrelevant, since CNN is the antithesis of responsible journalism 4.67% (30) Once again, it's online journalists breaking important news the 'mainstream media' won't touch 4.35% (28) This is much ado about nothing, find some real news to report on 2.95% (19) Other 0.78% (5) It's just an electronic glitch, I don't think it was intentional 0.47% (3) TOTAL VOTES: 643 I'm with the 9.49% of the respondents who feel that the Secret Service should transport CNN to an undisclosed location for having threatened the VP this way.  (And for giving Nancy Grace any air time).   In any case,  this is serious stuff.  Like Michelle Malkin said: It's reminiscent of the MSM photo doctoring of Condi Rice's eyes and the Netscape/CNN.com editors' post-election photo pranks on images of George W. and Laura Bush. It's also similar to the way that the MSM demonized Rose Marie, Sandy Duncan, and Paul Lynde. (Image courtesy of Classic Squares) 3:55:59 AM

Story #3:  Brent Bozell Discovers There is Sexual Content on TV Shocking, but true!  Here's Brent: TV's Tasteless Trampling of the Taboo If I were to tell you that sex on TV is incessant, you'd tell me you already know that. To which I'd tell you that you really, really don't have a grasp of just how much sex is steaming up the tube. And that's why you need Brent -- because otherwise you might not know about all of that hot, steamy, lascivious sex. For instance, you might have missed this bit o' depravity: In 2005, prostitution is played for laughs, and so is bestiality. I kid you not. On the Nov. 8 episode of the ABC drama "Boston Legal," one of the show's lawyers was asked to defend a man in a divorce proceeding. He stated that his wife was seeking an annulment because he "strayed" -- ready? -- with his pet cow. He explained "we became very close" and he'd "had a bit to drink." The lawyer spit out: "You strayed -- with livestock?" He protested: "It's not what you think. It was all very loving." As she backed away from him, he admitted a "mistake," but argued that he's been a model philanthropist and a deacon at his church. Note: Despite the fact that the pervert was called "Deacon," this doesn't seem to have been a jab at any of the Powerline boys. A deacon -- of course. Hollywood loves to make its sickos into active churchgoers. You probably also missed how Hollywood made Neal Horsely into an active churchgoer ("Horsley graduated from Westminster Theological Seminary in 1985 — but not before shocking fellow students by suggesting the day would come 'when Christians [are] going to be looking down the barrel of a gun shooting abortionists'"), and forced him to have a mule for a girlfriend. How low will Hollywood go? Even lower. Try mocking God. The Nov. 13 episode of the Fox cartoon "American Dad" featured the show's titular CIA agent's housewife dancing in the streets in Saudi Arabia in a black bra and panties, singing a song and shaking her breasts at the Arab men. "If you wanna drive a car, you better have a penis. So if you've got a vagina, vulva, a clitoris, and a labia ... stay the hell away from Saudi Arabia." With these explicit references to sexual organs, can we get any closer to baiting the FCC's Keystone Kops than a sentence like this? While mentioning female body parts in song doesn't seem to have anything to do with mocking God, it does have an unfortunate effect on Dr. Mike Adams. But wait, it gets worse. Worse than female body parts? Tell us more, Brent! When the teenage son Steve pleads for help in the desert, God descends from Heaven "in the form most pleasing" to the boy – voluptuous Angelina Jolie. After God in female form tells him to enjoy being a child, he asks: "Hey, can I see your boobs?" God replies: "All right. But be warned: A single glance at the rack of Infinite Wisdom could drive a man to madness." Steve responds that, "Oh. Now I have to see them." God flashes him like a "Girls Gone Wild" spring-break video. The boy is blinded in the sacred glow and is transformed, white-haired, like Moses. He offers God's cure to all the problems of the Middle East but gets rejected when he claims God is a woman. If the U.S. military showed this cartoon to Guantanamo detainees, it would be considered a world-class human rights offense. Because of the mockery of God, or because of Steve's claim that God is a woman? (Oh, and if the U.S. military forced Guantanamo detainees to watch "The 700 Club, " it could be considered a human rights offense, so I guess we should probably ban Pat Robertson from the public air ways.) But since it's just on American television, God is merely another easy mark for envelope-pushing fun and profit. And apparently watching TV and describing the naughty parts is merely another easy way for Brent to have fun and make a profit. P.S.  Will somebody please buy Brent's TV a channel changer and an "off" switch? 3:16:20 AM

Story #4: Jonah Goldberg Discovers Handy New 'Simpsons' Catch Phrase SIMPSONS LAST NIGHT [Jonah Goldberg] I've been down on the newer Simpsons for a while, but I caught most of last night's and thought it was pretty good. Best part (and I'm quoting from memory) is when Lisa convinces Homer to run for Mayor. She says "And I'll be your campaign manager!" In response, Homer declares -- as if on an important mission -- "...and I will find out what a mayor does!" He then grabs a bottle of Duff beer from a six pack and snaps at the bottle: "Expand my brain, Thinking Juice." My wife -- who is horribly addicted to that Soduko game -- laughed and looked up from the page to say "I can't believe you've never used that line." I had to explain this wasn't a rerun. "Ah," she replied, confident that "Expand my brain, thinking juice!" will be accompanying the sound of beer being opened in the Goldberg house for many years to come.  Posted at 12:21 PM I imagine that this line will prove useful to South Park conservatives everywhere. 2:18:48 AM

Story #5:  Chris Matthews Shows His True Terrorist-Loving Colors by Saying 'Other Side' Doesn't Oppose Us Out of Pure Evil Powerline's Deacon Owl explains: Chris Matthews in Canada I've had some negative thoughts about Chris Matthews over the years, but I never considered him a fool. After his talk in Canada today, however, I'm starting to wonder. Here's the comment from Matthews that's getting all the play: If we stop trying to figure out the other side, we've given up. The person on the other side is not evil. They just have a different perspective. The smartest people understand the enemy's point of view, because they understand what's driving them. By "the person on the other side," Matthews appears to be referring to al Qaeda. Well, I took it to mean everybody who is fighting against us in Iraq and Afghanistan -- but to Paul, I guess they'll all al Qaeda (and therefore, motivated entirely out of a desire to do evil).. Beyond Matthews' claim that bin Laden isn't evil, just a guy with a different perspective, Matthews is bascially adopting Micheal Scheuer's line that the Bush administration needs to understand the enemy better. Which proves that Matthews is a fool, since he should have realized that the Bush administration understands the enemy very well, having explained that "it hates us for what we believe."  And the Bush administration has a plan to make the enemy like us for what we believe -- it involves promoting "the reform of Arab society, and thereby drain the breeding ground of the terrorists."  And since that plan is working perfectly, Chris Matthews is a moron for suggesting that George Bush isn't one of the "smartest people."  Matthews' enemy is the Bush administration, and he clearly doesn't understand its point of view. Well, since Paul read only the condensed version of the piece, he missed this bit: Matthews said the current president is guilty of not knowing enough about the world and not keeping up with current events, as was evident in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina and the slow reaction to the crisis in New Orleans. "You want to know what's going on (in the world), you turn on the TV, you go to the computer and you see what's going on right now - if you're curious," Matthews said. "All it takes is curiosity. And if you don't know what's going on, it's because you're not curious. So, maybe Matthews hasn't stopped trying to figure out George Bush. But this story infuriated a lot of other bloggers besides the Deacon.  Michelle Malkin said: Obviously the words "Never forget" mean nothing to Chris Matthews. And the Little Green Football Guy claimed: Blow-dried raver Chris Matthews told students at the University of Toronto that the United States is blinded by hatred, and that we have no enemies—just people with different perspectives. Johnson apparently derived that "Matthews denounced the United States for  being blinded by hatred" line from the title that the Toronto Sun slapped on an abbrieviated version of the piece, since there's no evidence that Matthews said anything of the kind.  But I can see why Charles would be irate at Matthews if it appearted that the Hardball guy was trying to deny him and his blood thirsty minions their enemies.  For without people to hate, they would all dry up and blow away. Anyway, as you might imagine, Matthews' unpatriotic words have the 101st Fighting Keyboarders in a tizzy.  They would probably try to figure out what motivated his claims if they hadn't already determined that he's a liberal (and therefore pure evil), meaning that there's no need to learn anything about what's driving him. 2:14:27 AM