November 23, 2005 by s.z.

VBen and the Dolphin Lady A new sit-com coming this January to Fox! And although they aren't actually mismatched fish-out-of-water cops who don't play by the rules, they do have wacky new columns out today.  VBen's is called "A Charlie Daniels Thanksgiving" -- while it's not as heart-warming as a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving or as thoughtful as a Jack Daniels Thanksgiving, it has its own stupid charm.  Here are my favorite bits: So here is what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving: I am thankful to God that I live in a country of patriots with true American values. And I am thankful that God continues to guard us. I have faith that He will continue to guard and keep us as long as we strive to bring Godliness to our own lives and to the lives of others. That cosmic mission -- to spread American values across the globe in order to protect American values at home -- is difficult, rife with pain and sacrifice. At the same time that we thank God for his beneficence, we must thank those fighting every day to secure the blessings God has granted us. So, per Ben, the Iraq war is a cosmic mission to spread American values and Godliness to the Iraqis, in order to protect Ben's values at home.  Once a year Ben thanks those who fight every day to keep those values safe, thus permitting him to attend Harvard Law instead of supporting the cosmic mission with his own bony behind. To that end, I spoke last week with Charlie Daniels, ... [who] described his vision of patriotism thus: "This country was founded on a Judeo-Christian principle -- it makes no difference what the ACLU says about it." I'm just wondering which Judeo-Christian principle it was.  "Hospitality," perhaps? For this uncompromising vision of America, Daniels has taken a huge amount of flak. But he doesn't back down in the face of adversity. ... Standing alone is not a crime, as long as you're standing on the side of the right. It's legal insights like that which prove that the small fortune Ben's parents have spent on law school tuition hasn't been wasted. Some surely believe that Daniels' America is passe, a relic of the past. Some surely believe that Daniels' music, religious and authentically American, reflects an unwashed backwardness. I believe that Daniels' America is alive and thriving. And, like Daniels, I thank God -- and the men and women standing in harm's way -- that it is. Ben LOVES Daniel's old-fashioned, God-fearing, unwashed, tobacco-spitting, lice-infested, cousin-marrying America, and he plans on being a part of it as soon as he gets his J.D.  Oh, and Ben wants to thank the troops who are defending Daniels'  America -- Ben would join them in their important work, if only he didn't have a previous commitment to appear on "Fox and Friends" to talk about porn. Meanwhile, Peggy Noonan is being interviewed by the voices in her head, who want to know all about her new book.  But her unfocused, rambling responses, drive the voices to distraction, so they throw vodka in her face, and the whole thing degenerates into an unseemly brawl.  Let's peek in for just a minute: It becomes a large negative blur. The name of my book is "John Paul the Great: Remembering a Spiritual Father." What does that mean? It means we all want a spiritual father. We're all lonely for a father, for one who can lead as a father would. Even when you have a father you feel this, so big is the father's role in human life. We all want to be little girls, and have our big, strong daddies,  Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul, take care of us.  We all want that -- it's not just Peggy.. But enough about Peggy's book -- what she really wants to talk about are her brilliant political insights. Isn't Murtha just capitalizing on anti-Bush feeling? What's behind that feeling, anyway? Several things. [...] Another is that the administration is staffed with exhausted people and they're making the mistakes exhausted people make.  (Bush doesn't seem exhausted; he seems hale and hearty, but if he isn't feeling a certain psychic exhaustion he's missing the big picture.) I think Peggy just said that while the Bush administration has been screwing up these days because evil is hard work and they're tired, Bush is either leaving all the real work to other people, and/or he's too stupid to know how messed up everything is.  I'd be afraid that that Peggy had just ruined her chances of getting invited to the next White House annual Ronald Reagan film festival if I didn't believe that Bush will just read her comment as another compliment about how handsome he looks in his brush-clearing outfit. By the way, I think John Paul II lived, arguably, the greatest life of the 20th century, and I think his life was marked by more than the usual number of occurrences that seem fateful, even prophetic. He said of the coming century that it will either be one of great faith or one of little faith, but not something in between. There is also the interesting fact of those who seemed to know, along the way as he lived his life, that he was a man of great destiny. His predecessor, John Paul I, said he would be pope. The day he was made cardinal of Krakow, a little girl told him he would be pope. One of his best friends had an epiphany and told him he would someday lead the church. And there were of course the prophecies of saints that a light out of Poland would come at a crucial moment to head the church. It's all uncanny.   Wow, after he became a cardinal, three people said John Paul would someday become pope -- and he DID!  That is so uncanny, because I bet none of the other cardinals ever had anybody say anything similar to them!  But you know what would make Peggy's book about John Paul even cooler: dolphin prophecies!    And that's it for this week's adventure with VBen and Peggy.  Be sure to join them next week, when VBen will write an ode to all-American, God-fearing, backwards-living, unwashed, smelly Grizzly Adams.  Also, Peggy will interview Jack Daniels and will then explain how Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul used the Star Wars satellite system to kill the Grinch and bring Christmas to the people of Eastern Europe. 4:17:46 AM

The Gay Marriage War on Christmas  This Agape Press  "First Person" essay is a little confusing, but I think that's what it's about.  Let's take a look at it. Christmas Under Fire -- and the Return of the Grinch By Ralph Barker (AgapePress) - After the elections in 2004, an interesting fact emerged. It became clear that one important reason George Bush won re-election with such a clear mandate was a mainstream backlash against homosexual marriage. If 51% of Americans cast their votes for George Bush, that means he got a clear man date, but not a gay marriage.   This is fascinating in that homosexuality was never a major part of the campaign. Well, it wasn't a major part of the "official campaign," but was a major component of the pre-election efforts all those other "Evangelicals for Jesus and George" groups encouraged by Bush-Cheney 2004, plus those "renegade" RNC chapters who sent out that flier which warned that Democrats would ban the Bible and allow men to wear rings if they won any elections.  Why did this powerful undercurrent have such an effect on the electorate? Without any warning or fanfare, a majority of voters had reached their tolerance level. They didn't talk about it; they simply did something -- they voted. With their vote they said "enough is enough." It takes a lot to move the masses to any action. But in this case the flagrant defiance of the laws by homosexuals and elected officials in granting, performing, and participating in same-sex "weddings" ushered many Americans past their point of tolerance. I believe a similar dynamic is taking place today regarding the stealing of Christmas. Yes, people have reached their tolerance level in regard to Christmas-stealing, and are ready to say "enough is enough" by voting for George Bush again.  But since he's not running for anything, it's hard to say what this will accomplish. Christians are getting fed up with the gross hypocrisy demonstrated by retailers as they use Christmas for profit, all the while denying the soul of the holiday: Jesus Christ. See, Christmas is a profoundly spiritual event for Christians, and so we want retailers to commercialize it to the fullest extent possible -- and if they don't, then they are hypocrites. We Christians are the worst when it comes to standing up for our rights and claiming what is ours. Attention Christians! Christmas is definitely ours. It is the celebration of the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Certainly unbelievers can enjoy the season and merchants can make their money, but the essence of Christmas is Christ. It is a Christian holiday. Yeah!  Christmas is OUR holiday, so while we will permit Jews, Hindus, agnostics, African-Americans, etc. to exist during the Christmas season (and maybe we'll even allow them to enjoy the twinkly lights, crowded malls, and the song about the Little Drummer Boy Who Got Run Over By a Reindeer) it is only on sufferance, for everything that happens between Halloween and the middle of January belongs to us. The attack on Christmas is heating up again in 2005. John Gibson of Fox News has released a new book, The War on Christmas. [...]  We need to understand this war, fight it, and win it. We need to get offended. We need to get mad. We need to do something this year to stem this tide toward a totally Christ-less holiday. I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a War on Christmas.  Sales clerks either won't wish you a "Merry Christmas," or aren't sincere when they do.  (And heaven knows, they are never properly grateful to you for honoring them with your presence during this, your sacred holiday season.)  Last year some elementary school somewhere wouldn't let a golden-haired child sing "Silent Night" during math class.  Another town ordered that all copies of the movie "A Christmas Story" had to be digitally altered in order to replace the scary store Santa Claus with a scary FDR-impersonator.  The ACLU is trying to ban creches on airport runways!  The secularists are doing drive-by shootings of Salvation Army Santas!  It's like everything everywhere is going to hell in a Seasons Greetings hand basket!  I want you to get mad. I don't want you to protest. All I know is, first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, "I'm a Christian, gosh darn it, and I must take precedence over anybody else." So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out, and yell, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this Happy Holidays crap anymore!" Or maybe instead of going to your window, go to your oven.  Yeah, go to your oven, open your oven, and stick your head in it, turn on the gas, and yell, "I'm as mad as hell at Target for not doing everything I tell it to  -- especially when I think of all the money I spent there on colorful dishware and cheap, Chinese-made apparel -- and I'm not going to take this anymore!"  And then breathe deeply the fumes of righteous indignation.  Do it.  Do it now! The Grinch is back, but this time he's not working alone. Macy's, Target, and many other huge retailers have joined him in efforts to steal the true meaning of the Christmas season and replace it with a secularized, paganized, non-religious holiday. I personally feel it should be illegal for our country's retail chains to attempt to secularize our religious holidays.  After all, if we can't learn about the life and teachings of Jesus in Macy's, then where will we pick up the spirtual truths that compose the true meaning of Christmas?    Few people are more understanding, loving, and tolerant than my wife. She works for one of the world's largest retailers where "PC" (politically correct) policies and tolerance for one and all are standard. One day a few years ago she was called to a meeting. On the agenda for that meeting was the task of coming up with a name for their Christmas party other than the "Christmas party." Why? "We don't want to offend anyone." The definition of the word "anyone" is any human being who is not a Christian. It's okay to offend Christians. This is why I think Christians are at their tolerance point and are ready to stand up and fight back. Yes, the long-suffering Christians are finally ready to fight back -- and it will be like the Russian Revolution, complete with firing squads, bombs, and massacres.  That's what you get for not calling the December office party the "Everyone Must Worship Baby Jesus" party! During this meeting, the banter evoked several different ideas. One person suggested calling the Christmas party "The Holiday Party." Another suggested the "Winter Solstice Celebration." Finally, my wife reached her limit. She rebuked the entire group by saying, "Christmas is my holiday, and you are hijacking it. You are so worried about offending someone. Well, I am a Christian -- and you have offended me!" You go, girl! I'm guessing that at this point the other employees started to look really uncomfortable, muttered something about having reports they needed to fnish, and left the room as quickly as they could. Have you had enough? Are you tired of letting others capitalize on your holiday while denying the Christ it represents? Are you willing to stand up for Christ at Christmas? If so, let's do something and do it now. Let me suggest a plan of action. This Christmas, don't spend your money at stores who won't allow their employees to wish you a "Merry Christmas." "Happy Holidays" is a PC copout. "Happy Holidays" is hippie code for "I hate you, your values, and your very way of life, and I spit in your Coke."  So, don't spend your money in stores that allow their employees to say it -- instead, steal their merchandise, to teach them a lesson about showing some respect to their Christian patrons. You won't be alone in your efforts. There is an alliance building right now among major Christian ministries -- such as the American Family Association (AFA) -- to identify and target those companies who want our money but not our Christ. AFA will make those companies wear yellow star "Happy Holidays" badges, so that you can know that they are greedy money grubbers who won't accept our Christ. Begin praying now. Ask God to make the Wal-Mart employees wish you a Merry Christmas -- after all, He doesn't have anything better to do. This is not just another economic boycott effort. It is a witness to the world that Christmas is important to the world because Christ is important to the world. This is exactly why the world has paused for 2,000 years and acknowledged the baby in a manger. If anybody tells you that Christmas hasn't been celebrated by the whole world for the past 2,000 years, then that person is obviously a PC-loving secularist who is trying to cheat you out of the power and glory that is rightfully yours. That little baby has meant billions of dollars to retailers. It is time that they acknowledge Him. Yeah!  Retailers should have to swear some kind of loyalty oath to baby Jesus before they are allowed to be open for business during the last two months of the year. Ralph Barker is an ordained minister and former vice president of American Vision Ministry. If any Wal-Mart customer service temps out there want to send Ralph an email indicating that his visions are based on hallucinogenic mushrooms, I will make it worth their while. 2:16:11 AM