Her Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys ... and GasbagsAs you probably know, Rebecca Hagelin is a pundit groupie. Previously she has used her Townhall column to pass love notes to Sean Hannity ("In a word, Sean Hannity is ... adorable. There, I said it. Might as well get right out there in the open for all the world to read.Sean is intelligent, genuinely kind, correct on the issues ... and drop-dead gorgeous"), Rush Limbaugh ("So now I know the power of Rush Limbaugh. I don't just know about it. I mean I have actually felt it"), and, to a lesser extent, Joe Scarborough ("If you haven't heard Joe talk about runaway federal spending in person, then you have no idea just how feisty and gutsy he can be"). Her latest crush is on John Gibson. Try to read along without gagging:
Yes, like his early American counterparts, John values such bold traditions as witch burning, slave owning, and Indian killing. Oh, and while John is a real cowboy (just like the President, who also retreats to a ranch in Texas to escape all that danged big city "wisdom"), he isn't one of those gay cowboys who are currently so en vogue. At least, not as far as Rebecca knows. Ee-yup! Cowboy John and Buckin' Bill (who aren't gay, remember) have been a-whompin' on the anti-Christmas varmints. In fact, Bill challenged them to meet him at the OK Media Corral at high noon for a shoot-out. (And then he donned his serape, stuck a cheroot in this mouth, and demanded that Fox News's lawyers take care of the critters for him, because he's too important to fight his own battles.) Anyway, Rebecca goes on to laud John's book "The War on Our Nation's Holiest Replacement for 'Have a Nice Day.'" She retells the same story about "The Day the Red and Green Died" that made O'Reilly vow to put something small on his head (see below) -- but in her version, it's the decorations that are prohibited.
Yeah, John is a crackerjack reporter all right, as manifested by his ability to copy a bunch of allegations made by wingnut legal groups, and call his cribbed stories a "book." I can see why he makes Rebecca so damp. But you know whom she should really be mailing her panties to? Pastor Swank! He's a man's man and a wingnut's winghut! Just read his take on the War on Red and Green story, and see if you don't agree that he's way more crackerjacky than Gibson.
And that's why Pastor Swank will always out-cowboy Gibson: because the pastor isn't afraid to place the blame for anti-Red and Green sentiment right where it belongs -- on Satan. Oh, and on commies.
No, it is, as the pastor intimated, a Battle Between Satan and Santa for the souls of mankind. The documentary SANTA CLAUS explains this quite clearly, and I urge you all to check it out. (Pay particular attention to the screen shot of the chained souls walking towards the gates of hell -- I'm pretty sure they represent all the clerks who wouldn't wish you a "Merry Christmas.") Anyway, I look forward to Rebecca's Townhall column about Pastor Swank. I just hope she doesn't do it in pirate talk. 4:28:20 AM  |
Falafel Warrior, Come Out and Pla-aay! I caught the very end of Monday's "O'Reilly Factor," and so I was privileged to learn of the most exciting literary event of 2006: Bill has a new book coming out in October, and it will be called Cultural Warrior. I assume that it will be the story of how Bill engaged in a knife fight with Media Matters in an effort to keep them from smearing him by listening to his TV and radio programs. The book may also give us some background about those glorious days when Bill served his country in Grenada, seeing combat and facing the enemy in battle, like a warrior should. And it will hopefully fill in some of the details concerning his stint as a free-lance al Qaeda operative (he apparently helped them pick targets in the U.S.). But until the book is released, I guess we'll have to get Bill's war tales from his Talking Points Memo. The latest one is about how Bill engaged in Greco-Roman wrestling with Sears and Target until they cried like little girls and agreed to stop killing Christians in their camping aisles. (Okay, Target said they would still torture Lileks there, but he would be the only one.) And thus Bill single handedly (or "simplemindedly," as my spell checker insists) defended Baby Jesus, and protected him from French cheese and whine. Here are a couple of highlights from the Memo:
Bill, you ignorant slut! We know you don't read your Bible, but can't you at least try to skim your WOC (War On Christmas) talking points? As everyone else knows, the WOC faith-promoting anecdote about Plano banning red-and-green involved NAPKINS, not clothing. Per Kelly Shackelford, chief counsel for the Liberty Legal Institute, the school district engaged in "unconstitutional and illegal actions," ranging from prohibiting candy canes accompanied by messages about how the red stripes were flavored with Christ's blood, to "banning red-and-green napkins at holiday parties." However, reports by the Dallas Morning News and the A.P. indicate that Thomas Elementary didn't actually ban red and/or green napkins, but rather sent home a memo to the parents urging them to limit supplies for class parties to "approved items," including "white paper plates and white napkins, sugar cookies, juice boxes and Hershey's Kisses." (Yeah, so next we'll hear Bill ranting about how a school in Hershey, PA won't let kids kiss their parents.) But WorldNetDaily gives us another piece of information: apparently the memo to the parents was just a list of what the teachers wanted for the parties.
And from that, we get the claim that kids couldn't even wear red and green to school. But it seems that Bill might have gotten his version of the story from the Alliance Defense Fund and their senior counsel, who apparently heard about the color ban from the voices in his head, since he doesn't offer any evidence that it ever happened. (WND reports that the ADF said that unnamed "children" were "told not to wear red and green clothing," but I imagine the child who reported this to the ADF was Ralphie Wiggum, who also told the lawyers that Snagglepuss was outside, and was going to the bathroom. But if the school officials had said that even the students must be white, the ADF wouldn't have a problem with that. Anyway, after the suit was filed, the school district quickly agreed to let the four whining families pass out Jesus candy canes and pens to their hearts' content, and that was apparently the end of the matter. However, I never saw where anybody admitted to banishing red and green from the school. (The district's attorney did describe the lawsuit as "an effort by 'trial lawyers' to feed at the trough of the taxpayers' pockets, as opposed to truly addressing concerns through a non-litigious manner," which, while accurate, probably won't make it into one of Bill's Memos.) So, maybe the school district really did try to ban all primary colors in an effort to keep kids from worshipping Jesus. But since the napkin memo incident occurred in 2001, it's hardly evidence that this year the secularists have lynched Santa, decapitated the Wise Men, and have Jesus on the mats -- and that Bill is the only thing keeping the ACLU from making it a capital crime to possess Christmas cookies. But back to Bill, for more of his reaction to the story of "The Texas Town That Outlawed Red and Green Attire."
LOL! Bill, Bill, you already have a little thing on your head -- I think it's a point. (Although it could be a penis-shaped vibrator, I suppose). 3:30:50 AM |
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