January 16, 2006 by s.z.

Swank News  Well, it was bound to happen eventually -- the Brits have stolen Pastor Swank! It all started with the Pastor's column of Jan 6, "Tom Cruise Markets The Cult Of Scientology." It was about how the devil uses Scientology to bring souls to Hubbard. (Sure, this is old news to us, but it was a revelation to the European secularists, since they haven't maintained the old tradition of fire 'n brimstone preachers like we have). Anyway, in this column the Pastor said a lot of goofy stuff, including the following: Satan takes all praise and glory from Redeemer Christ for all honor and esteem granted Hubbard and his wild spheres of inner ascendancy. Hubbard, in other words, espouses the teachings of Satan as Lucifer - the Angel of Light. Hubbard presents the evil one as the gospel of the inner understanding. Satan appears in gross state in order to lead mortals astray, away from Savior Christ. [...] Cruise, like many other famous individuals, particularly actors, furthers the cult of Scientology as Satan uses this means by which to direct eternal souls away from Christ to Hubbard. And some British entertainment writers took this to mean that the Pastor was saying that Tom Cruise works for the devil (which was indeed what the Pastor was saying, but, you know, he also mentioned how Tom was leading Katie Holmes to hell too). First to notice Pastor Swank seemed to be Entertainmentwise, a UK site which posted an item entitled "Is Tom Cruise Doing Satan's Work? Pastor Takes Us Back to the 19th Century." They said: Now we know that Tom Cruise is a little crazy and maybe slightly evil (check that grin) but not one of Satan’s little helpers surely? Pastor J. Grant Swank Jr has written on the PostChronicle website: [...] “Cruise, like many other famous individuals, particularly actors, furthers the cult of Scientology as Satan uses this means by which to direct eternal souls away from Christ to Hubbard.” Harsh….He will be suggesting that they all be burned next... Then, the next day, the British entertainment site Hecklespay posted a piece called "Tom Cruise Loves Katie Holmes (Not Allegedly) And The Devil (Allegedly)." Here's the first part of it: Anyone remember the long-horned red-skinned bad guy Tom Cruise had to fight in the very old fairy-infused movie Legend? If not, we'll fill you in: it was basically the devil, and he wanted to kill all the unicorns, even the good ones. He was no gentleman, that devil. And it seems that before he was defeated by sunlight reflected off of several shields (remember that should you ever find yourself at the wrong end of a fiery pitchfork), he got his long black claws into Tom Cruise.  Or so claims one American pastor anyway. And when was the last time an American pastor lied to us?  Now that we see only truth can usually flow through those holy lips... one of them is saying that Tom Cruise serves Beelzebub! The writer of the piece, Shawn Lindseth, seemed to really take a shine to Pastor Swank, serving up some of his quotes on other subjects, such as stem cell research, Muslims, and Jessica Simpson.  The UK news site Spotlighting News also made note of the Pastor's claims about Cruise and the devil, as did the Long Island, NY Press column Crispin's Showbiz Shredder. I think you know what this means. Yes, Pastor Swank is going to be hired by US Weekly, People, or one of the British tabloids (which one features the boobs o' the day?  I think he'd do well at that one) to write celebrity news -- and we'll be Swankless. So, let's enjoy him while we can.  Terror: Cellphones: Bomb Away! Yeah, apparently the Pastor didn't read TBogg's "Cellphones of Mass Destruction" or Crooks and Liars' "We’re all (Paranoid, Imbalanced) Homeland Security Agents now."  He had a column to write, and couldn't be bothered to do any fact checking -- so sue him! (And sue Michelle Malkin while you're at it.) Not everybody uses a cell phone to chat with a friend. Some buy a cell phone to blow up a building. And some buy a cell phone to keep in touch with overseas relatives.  And some others buy a cell phone to destroy Western civilization.  Cell phones are versatile that way. That's why US President George W. Bush is surveying the country for those who ill-use legitimate items. So if you are ill-using legitmate items like, say, hand lotion and the Victoria's Secret catalog, then beware!  President Bush is surveying the country for you! He wants to protect the nation from Islamic killers international, otherwise known as "militantS" or "terrorists" or "insurgents." But in this article, they are called who they are-Muslim murderers global. Sure, some folks call them "Islamic killers international," but let's refer to them as "Muslim murders global," because those people who use that first term are just plain crazy! In Amerca, various retailers have contacted police when noting large quantities of cell phones bought at one sweep by one gent or several gents with sloped shoulders in a subtle "sabotage mode." Sloped shoulders mean that a person is in "sabotage mode"?  Gee, the things you learn in a Swank column!  No wonder Mr. Bush and colleagues speak in code language to the American public when it comes to outwitting the enemy. So, when the President said that "we illegalized whisky," he was using code language to outwit the enemy? Now I get it! Then the Democrats climb into the act to accuse the President of being irreponsible and uncaring. So once again the Democrats give the enemy the shove forward. The Democrats accuse the President of being uncaring because he speaks in code?  The Bastards!  (Oh, and shoving the enemy sounds like a good thing, but I guess since the Democrats did it, it isn't.) Anyway, because Muslims are buying cell phones, it's time for drastic action -- we need to jail or deport them, to keep them from buying products which can be mis-used to blow up stuff.   But first, we need to execute MacGyver, as an example to the all product mis-users. In other words, Muslim murderers global are on the take in the United States. It will never again be living per usual. It is henceforth confronting the enemy and jailing him or deporting him. That's why all the more no more Muslims enter the country; those Muslims here must be investigated-including the white collar workers such as professors.   And that's basically it for this column.  But be sure to join Pastor Swank next time, when his NY Post column gives us the scoop on how Angelina and Brad's womb baby is part of Satan's plan to make Jennifer Anniston feel bad, and how Elton John's homo nups were designed to aid the Murderers Muslim Global to destroy our Judeo-Christian faith in Christmas. 5:39:50 AM

Here's Who Said It  We will also reveal who was the first commenter to identify each Mystery Guest. 1.   Doug Giles - R. Porrofatto A style point to the erudite Bartholomew, who update Doug's bio for him: "Master of Arts in Christianity and Scatology [pending], Knox Theological Seminary, Dr. D. James Kennedy, Chancellor." And a style point to Hey Dave for, "Does anyone else have a mental picture of Doug taking another toke and then saying "Dude, we need killer tunes in this country" great plan Doug; now go away." 2.   Laura Bush - bulbul A style point to Tara the anti-social social worker for her guess, "#2 is Brittney Spears. unfortunately, she can't remember who her current husband is, and neither can we."  And a style point to R. Mildred, for the more accurate "#2 is mafia don of some kind, so laura bush." 3.  Jonah Goldberg - bulbul A style point to sophronia, for stating the truth: "#3 is Jonah Goldberg, continuing his uncontested reign as World's Stupidest Human." And a style point to Kathleen, who noted "#3 - Jonah G. or J-Gold as I am sure he makes Kathryn Lopez call him." 4.  LILEKS (James) - bulbul A style point to sophronia, who astutely observed that "#4 is James Lileks, trying desperately to get even an iota of the attention Ann Coulter gets." And a point to Tara the anti-social social worker, for her comment, "#4 is Jesse - sorry, I mean Michelle - Malkin, inadvertently giving away that she's been placed in charge of the labor camps in Kansas." 5.  Nathan Tabor - bulbul Three points to D. Sidhe, whose lesson to young Nathan on the subject of evolution began, "So Wingnut #5 is going to stop using antibiotics other than bread mold, and refuse flu shots, even if bird flu comes down? Good to know, since, A) he seems like the sort of moron who would stop taking antibiotics too early and cause the rest of us to get drug-resistant bugs, and B) there'll be more for the rest of us." 6.  Mona Charen - bulbul A style point to sophronia, who noted that "#6 is Mona Charen, only because I know she has a really, really deservedly unsuccessful book out." 7.  Stephen Baldwin - R. Porrofatto  (And a bonus point to R. for calling Stephen "the Joey Travolta of the Baldwin family.") A couple of style points to Tara the anti-social social worker for guessing that "#7 is an unemployed photographer." 8. Annie Jacobsen - bulbul Five points to the illustrious Scott Lemieux for his comment, "Hah, #8 is Crazy Annie Jacobsen--I was just about to send you the link. :)"  (He gets extra points for knowing of my crush on Crazy Annie.)   And a style point to  R. Mildred, for putting things into perspective: "#8 is the plain plane lady, who's fear of Persian saxomaphonists apparently knows no limits nor bounced checks from publishers." The first to correctly name all of our Mystery Guests in one comment was bulbul, whom we suspect of having either used Google, or of being an NSA employee who was intercepting my internet activity last night at the behest of the Bush administration.  And although he may have broken the law, hey, he was just protecting us from terrorists, so it's okay.