The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 21, 2011

January 1, 2006 by s.z.


2005's Ultimate Wingnut

Walnut 

As NOVA says, "a simple walnut has enough potential energy locked within it to power a city."  And a simple wingnut has enough potential energy locked within it to amuse a lot of people -- and that's why we are here today to honor the best wingnuts that the year had to offer.

Since I'm not feeling great (the flu, not too much celebrating), the ceremony won't be as elaborate as I had planned (and the dinner had to be canceled).  But the honor is no less because of that. 

We will now hear from David E., who came up with the idea for this contest.  (David's speech was taped yesterday; he declined our invitation to crown the winner at the live ceremony, claiming that for insurance reasons he wasn't permitted to be in the same room as our five finalists.) 
I want to thank s.z. for the extraordinary work she's put in on the Ultimate Wingnut Challenge. But I also have to say after six months of reading so much from these people, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I can actually feel parts of my brain going dim.  I'm writing this before the winner gets announced, but all I can say is, the voting on this thing's been more screwed up than a Florida felon list. Which of course is how it should be. And I hope that s.z. has adequate funds to pay reporters to announce the crowning of Wingnut Island's King.  I'm sure there are supermarket shoppers that might be interested.
Thanks, David!  And thanks for sharing your idea for this contest with World O'Crap.  Your royalty check will be in the mail just as soon as Fox pays us for the rights to air this awards show.

Anyway, as the saying goes, if life gives you wingnuts, then make wingnutade.  So, with no further ado, let me announce that our 4th Runner-Up is the lovely and talented Michelle Malkin, who received 18 popular votes (and no electoral votes). 

She wins Amazon's citation of the Publisher's Weekly review of her not-so-best-selling (currently #502 at Amazon) book Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild.  Here's a bit from that review:
Malkin scoured blogs, speeches, media commentaries and even transcripts from Oprah for material, though she misses the boat in a number of instances, most notably in her obliviousness to sarcasm and irony, and she overextends her analytical prowess by offering shallow, shoddy critiques of theater, literature and modern art. Malkin uses extremist bloggers and airheaded celebrities as exemplars of the left, cherry picking the most egregiously tasteless examples of ill-conceived commentary or inflammatory behavior to bolster her case that liberals, as a whole, have gone off their rockers. Right-wingers looking for affirmation will enjoy.
Michelle also wins this comment from yesterday, which she can use in her next book:
All you [deleted] piece of shit liberals deserve nothing less than to have a bomb shoved up you ass by your Al Qeda buddies. {Delete] you - and I hope all of you DIE in the coming year. Liberals = biggest waste of flesh on the Planet Earth
TheTruth • 12/31/05; 3:11:19 AM #
We suggest that Michelle's next book be entitled Not That Bright: Exposing Preteen Conservatives Who Use Bad Language on Other People's Blogs.  

Anyway, good luck with the book about conservatives, Michelle, and let us know if you need any more examples to help you reach your page count.
  
Our 3rd Runner-Up is the lovely and talented Dr. Professor Mike S. Adams, Ph.D., who received 30 votes. 

He wins a case of AbsorbShun, which stops vaginal wetness fast!

(The old copy for AbsorbShun, which we cited last year, claimed that the product made men feel bigger and women feel tighter.  And the site used to announce that they would donate 10% of their profits to WorldVision Christian charity.  I guess they dropped all that because people made made fun of them.  Now they just say that you can aborb vaginal moisture with AborbShun.  But since the product can cause micro abrasions to Dr. Mike's enemy, the vagina, we think that he will enjoy it anyway.)

The judges also awarded Dr. Mike the title of Miss Uncongeniality for his latest Townhall column, "Hate Mails of the Year: 2005."  It includes such exchanges as:
Funny guy. Tell me this, Dr. Smartass, have you EVER given money to a panhandler? -Raymond
No, Raymond, I haven't. What's your point? - Mike Adams
My point is that if you feed birds and not the homeless, you are (sic) pompous, hypocritical ass. Obviously, you value the birds more than the homeless. - Raymond
I don't have a problem with that, Raymond. The birds don't steal my hubcaps and crack dealers don't accept seeds. - Mike Adams 
Yes, it was Dr. Mike's insights about how the homeless are all crack dealers and thieves that won Mr. Mike this honor.  However, this bit from his Hate Mail page at his site was helpful too: 
Any man who allows another man to sodomize him is full of self-loathing. If he is the inserter (rather than the insertee) and prefers to immerse his private parts in fecal matter, he is, perhaps, even more self-loathing. That is why when confronted with any question about, or challenge towards, his conduct he merely screams “you’re gay!” at anyone who will not help him to justify that conduct. That is the reason why gay men are seen by many as the angriest people in our society (with the possible exception of feminists).
Mike Adams
Of course, any man who would sodomize a woman, immersing his private parts in fecal matter, is undoubtedly as pleasant a person as you'd want to meet at your local GOP committee meeting.

Our 2nd Runner-Up, the lovely and talented Ann Coulter, received 36 votes.

She wins this helpful info from KidsHealth: "What's an Adam's Apple?"
You're at the high school baseball game with your friends, and you see your big brother's friend Justin in the dugout drinking from a water bottle. With every sip he takes, a big bump moves up and down on the front of his neck.
The boys your age don't have bumps like that, you think to yourself. And come to think of it, neither do any of the girls you know, no matter how old they are. What's going on here?
[...]
When the larynx grows larger during puberty, it sticks out at the front of the throat. This is what's called an Adam's apple. Everyone's larynx grows during puberty, but a girl's larynx doesn't grow as much as a boy's does. That's why boys have Adam's apples. Most girls don't have Adam's apples, but some do. It's no big deal either way.
See, it's no big deal that Ann is the only woman you know who has an Adam's apple. 

We hope that makes Ann feel better -- and that she will drop the hostility she uses to distance herself from a world which she thinks will reject her because of her abnormal physiology, and she will open herself up to love.

But in case that doesn't happen, we note that HUMAN EVENTS ONLINE named her the #1 woman in the conservative movement.  Ann bested such old bats as Phyllis Schlafly (#2), Dr. Laura (#3), and Elaine Donnelly (the wingnut who claimed that it was the presence of female U.S. troops in Afghanistan that allowed bin Laden to escape -- Elaine was #10).  And Michelle Malkin was #5, meaing that Ann bested her once again.  We hope this honor helps to make up for the disappointment Ann must have experienced when she didn't win our Ultimate Wingnut award.

Our 1st Runner-Up (who will assume the title of Ultimate Wingnut if the winner is unable to fulfill his duties because he's convicted of a felony, or involved in a sex scandal or something) is the lovely and talented Pastor J. Grant Swank, who received 37 votes.

But what prize to give him?

As we know from his bio, he was "Winner of First Prize Writing Contest, which yielded a three-week guided tour of the Middle East."  While we can't match that prize, we think somebody should award him another trip to the Middle East for his writing.  Perhaps the Lincoln Group could hire him to work in Iraq, and he could write pieces for the Iraqi papers under that DOD contract.  (The Lincoln Group still has an opening for a Senior Media and Public Relations Professional;  the duties include mounting "an aggressive advertising and public relations campaign that will accurately inform the Iraqi people of the Coalition’s goals and gain their support."  And since the Pastor has a great deal of experience writing pieces based on what the Bush administration says are its goals in Iraq, he'd be a natural for the job.) 

Take a look at this column from Friday ("YES, MUSLIMS ARE SUSPECT, THEREFORE, SUSPECTED") and tell me that he wouldn't win hearts and minds (and writing contests) over there?
And why should not they be suspect? That’s the question that should be answered in your face to the Muslims and liberals in America. They are suspect because they are suspected. Take a look around the globe at Muslim murderers global and that should answer the question
So, his prize is this info about the Lincoln Group's job openings.

Now comes the moment you've been waiting for: the crowning of the Ultimate Wingnut of 2005!  And the winner is ... the lovely and talented John Hindrocket of Powerline!  He received a record 53 votes, capturing America's heart with that heart-felt tribute to President Bush, "A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius."

His prize is all rights to the title "Ultimate Wingnut of 2005." 

Yes, in the future when he's cited by the media, instead of a mention like this:
Are You Being Searched?
Reason Online -
 Dec 26, 2005
... Prominent conservative blogger John Hinderaker turns his gaze on the Fourth Amendment's stipulation that governmental searches be "reasonable" and asks ...
You could see something like:
...Ultimate Wingnut John Hinderaker turns his gaze on the Fourth Amendment and says, "The Constitution doesn't apply to President Bush, who is an artist who's ahead of his time.  George Bush is a man approaching genius, and so he isn't bound by any man-made laws -- he answers only to God, and God told him that it was okay to bug the homes of everyone who didn't vote for him." 
Gee, what a wingnut! ...
Here are a couple more Google News citations -- note how they are improved by the addition of Hindrocket's new title:
Wiretap Imbroglio
Slate -
 Dec 23, 2005
...
 In a long and widely read post at conservative syndicate Power Line, John Hinderaker makes the case for the legality of the wiretapping. And since he is the year's Ultimate Wingnut, you'd expect nothing less of him ...Election Day, Iraq

Slate -
 Dec 16, 2005
...
 "All across Iraq, people are celebrating," writes attorney and Ultimate Wingnut John Hinderaker at conservative syndicate Power Line. Of course, he is the year's Ultimate Wingnut, so you shouldn't place much stock in anything he says ...
 
Oh, and we think that his fee for public speaking will go up too.  Premiere Speakers Bureau indicates that he currently charges $5000 (plus travel and expenses) for a keynote speech.  This is the same as second-year law student Ben Shapiro, but less than fellow lawyer David Limbaugh (who gets $7,500) or F. Lee Bailey (who charges $12,500 a speech).  And while Hindrocket does rate higher than fellow conservative blogger Ed Morrissey of "Captain's Quarters" (who gets a mere $3000), I think Mr. Hindrocket should be able to charge a lot more now that he's been recognized as the Ultimate Wingnut of 2005.  He can mention that he beat out Ann Coulter (who is so expensive that if you have to ask her fee, you can't afford her), which should make him worth at least a grand more a pop, if I have anything to say about it.

You're welcome, John.

Oh, I guess we do have a little something else for all of our finalists.  It comes from a British joke and party store called SillyJokes

Small Net Wings 
 
Small Net Wings

For little Christmas angels and small fairies. These light wings are perfect for girls who love to be pretty.
Ages 3 and up. 
And really, all of our finalists just want to be pretty.  And if they use Photoshop to put the wings on the walnut, then they can make a logo which they can use at their blogs or web sites, to announce to the world that they have been recognized as the world Top Five Wingnuts.

Anyway, thanks for voting, and for supporting this contest.  We'll consider starting the 2006 series in a few months, if we're all alive then.

But until then, have a happy New Year, and may 2006 bring you much happiness.  And may all of your wingnuts be amusing ones.

2:29:07 AM    

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