December 1, 2005 by s.z.

Damned Hippies! Renew America columnist Sam Weaver (who apparently stole his mustache from Dennis "McCloud" Weaver) reveals a shocking secret about why the Islamo-Fascism War isn't going so well: Vietnam-era peaceniks are ruining things for us! I am an optimist, but I am also a realist. I know that neither the Global War against Islamo-fascism nor the current major front of this war — Operation Iraqi Freedom — can be won unless and until we suppress our enemies on the home front. Who are these enemies on the home front? They are the very same horde who brought humiliation and defeat for America (not to mention the great people of Vietnam!) in the Vietnam War. Yes, the very same same horde of unbathed, marijuana-smoking, love-bead wearing, "ticky-tacky houses" singing hippies who lost Vietnam for us are dooming our new war.  We will now pause while you re-read Doghouse Riley's "Hippies Derail America," so you can properly appreciate the awesome war-losing power of hippies. Now, back to Sam, for more about our enemies on the home front: They are the peaceniks and the global relativists. They are the uber-liberals and the Bush-haters in Congress, in the media, and in academia. And remember, these guys are our enemies, and they must be suppressed if we are going to win the Global Fascist War. The war on the home front will be lost if Americans continue en masse to reject virtue (morality) and the principles and values upon which liberty is established. Yes, one is rejecting virtue and morality if one wants peace and disagrees with George Bush.  One will go to hell for sins like these. If we continue to bow to the conventional wisdom of "experts" and the tyranny of bureaucrats, judges, and the PC crowd, then liberty will be lost forever. If we continue to listen to this crowd and to give them even a smidgen of credibility, then our resolve to win the war abroad will continue to fade if not diminish completely. Fascism (both of the radical Islamist variety and of the radical secularist sort) will have emerged victorious in the end. Let us not allow this to happen! So get out there and suppress some hippies! 5:10:32 AM

Shorter Townhall Concept stolen from my betters. 1.  Shorter Ann Coulter: John Murtha should be prosecuted for calling for a pull-out of Iraq, because it's not fair that he gets treated better than Republican ex- military heroes, like Oliver North and Randy Cunningham. Bonus clip: The only Republican congressman who did not offer to have sex with John Murtha on the House floor was Jean Schmidt, R-Ohio.  To Ann, acknowledging that someone isn't a traitor is offering to having sex with them.  This tells you more than you need to know about Ann's social life. 2.  Shorter Matt Towery: "Back in my day, we didn't have all these Internets and cable TVs and such -- we fought commies and read newspapers in the out house for entertainment.  And we liked it that way!" Bonus clip:  Studies show that younger people are shying away from newspapers. They are instead getting word of national and world news as it flashes by on the margins of their Internet providers' home page, or when by chance, they channel surf past a cable or broadcast television news show.  I don't suppose that in itself is reason to castigate the younger set. After all, their president has said several times that even he doesn't read newspapers. (I don't believe that's true, and I sure hope I'm right.) Matt would rather believe that the President is a big liar than think he doesn't read newspapers.  But what Matt fails to realize is that both possibilities could be true. 3.  Shorter John Stossel: The nanny state keeps trying to interfere with your constitutional right to inflict second-hand smoke on your fellow citizens!  And since your second-hand smoke will probably just cause them to suffer the minor nuisance of having their eyes water, their noses run, and their throats hurt (unless they're asthmatic or something), your right to smoke should certainly trump their right to breathe. Bonus clip:   The busybodies, however, want to force you to stop [smoking]. When they get themselves elected, they can. Sadly, it's the busybodies who most often run for public office. Most of us want to run our own lives, and help people by selling them things, or offering them charity or advice -- any of which they can take or leave. People who want to run other people's lives are ... different. They are the people we should be most worried about.  Yes, if a city bans smoking in restaurants (under penalty of a monetary fine), this means that some small-minded busybody politician is trying to run your life.  But Chicago isn't ever going to be the boss of Stossel, even if he has to take up smoking to prove it!    4.  Shorter Michelle Malkin:  "Based on my cherry-picked anecdotal evidence, liberals are the angry ones, not conservatives.  So shut your pie holes, you deranged, scary, treasonous bastards!" Bonus clip: Janeane Garofalo, left-wing actress-turned-Air America radio host, is a miserable woman. Last week before the holidays, she turned up on cable TV. No, not to count her blessings -- but to rant against conservative journalist Bob Novak, author Ann Coulter, and the Fox News Channel. She didn't have anything better to do for Thanksgiving? This summer, a couple of weeks before Labor Day, Michelle Malkin turned up on cable TV.  No, not to thank American workers or remember how labor unions helped the average Joe, but to imply that John Kerry got a Purple Heart for shooting himself in the leg.  She didn't have anything better to do -- ever? 3:47:53 AM