The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 21, 2011

March 17, 2006 by s.z.


Advice You Won't Get Anywhere Else


1.  First, let's learn how to win friends and influence people the Pat Boone way.
It is the mainstream news media's duty to point unblinkingly to the fact of Saddam's WMD being smuggled into Syria. If they in their wisdom prefer—for whatever imaginable combination of reasons—to soft pedal the information, then we "small fry" are duty bound to bellow about it as I do here and now.
[...]
Can you respectfully tell a fellow traveler, say, on a commuter bus or awaiting service at a deli counter, that you've heard contrary to what you just heard him mention?
Well, I guess I could, but then I'd have to tell him that people making the claims about the WMDs being smuggled into Iraq are largely nuts, cranks, and weirdos.
 DO IT!
Okay, I will!  No need to get testy about it. (But Pat, I thought "fellow travelers" were commies -- should I really be respectful to them?)

But anyway, tell us more about your experience with harassing commuters, Pat. 
On Manhattan subways, when I was a Columbia undergraduate, it often impressed me when my fellow "strap hangers" would do this back in the late 'fifties. It remained friendly, but it was authentically spirited. This kind of open exchange between strangers is one of the "vital signs" of a healthy free society. May God bless all who keep this sport participatory, and let's you and I work to keep ourselves counting among them now.
I can see it going something like this:
Scene: a New York subway. 
Pat:  Say there, fellow traveler -- did you know that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction until shortly after we invaded Iraq?  Well, he did!  The Russians smuggled them into Syria, is why nobody can find them. And the mainstream media doesn't want you to know this, so spread the word!  Soylent Green is made from people!  And keep watching the sky!
Burly New Yorker: *%$#@, ya creep!
Now, back to Pat.
In the days ahead, the erroneous conventional wisdom about Saddam's WMD needs to be squarely in our cross hairs. Tell your friends and neighbors. "There were WMD in Iraq!"
And you'll be the most popular person in your social group.

2.  Now,  Bill O'Reilly has some advice for when you're invited to be part of a photo op designed to shore up the waning popularity of a failed presidency but you don't want to politicize the humanitarian group for which you're working.
The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day
Apparently, actress Jessica Simpson has been disrespectful to President Bush. The "Dukes of Hazzard" co-star is involved in a charity that helps children overseas with facial deformities. That's good. But according to the Reuters news service, Simpson was invited to a Republican fundraiser which was being tied into the charity, Operation Smile. Simpson was offered a meeting with President Bush, who was attending the fundraiser, and apparently said no, even though evidence indicates she does know who the president is.

Now, that snide remark was completely uncalled for, of course, and is ridiculous. I admit it. But not as ridiculous as Jessica Simpson disrespecting the president of the United States. If he's nice enough to invite to you a meeting, you go, even if you don't agree with him.
And if you go on a date, and the guy buys you dinner and then wants to have sex with you, you go along with it, even if you don't feel like it.  That's how these things work.

3.  Lastly, here's young Noel Stanger, who is a guest columnist at Townhall today.  She has some advice for feminists.  However, everything Noel needed to know about feminism she learned from the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute (where she is an intern) and from "The Brady Bunch" (where she is a Jan, when she wanted to be a Marcia).
As a child, I remember watching reruns of The Brady Bunch. There was one episode in particular that will always stay with me.

Marsha, a young teenager at the time, was asked by a newsperson if she was a feminist. After much sitcom soul searching, she decided she was. She then decided to join Greg’s scout troop, which did not sit well with the boys. However, they were forced to give Marsha a chance, and in retaliation, made the initiation very difficult for her.

She succeeded, however, and if I recall correctly, Mr. Brady made a poignant speech and everyone learned a valuable lesson. In a stunning twist, Marsha announced that she would not be pursuing a career as a scout but simply wished to prove that she could if she wanted to. Everyone had a good laugh, and all was well again in the Brady household.
Good times, good times. 
They had me hooked. I wanted to be like Marsha Brady, not just beautiful, blonde, and popular (though that probably helped), but a feminist.
And from this ep we learn that feminists invade male organizations (where they are not welcome) just to prove that they can -- then they quit and go back to the Sunflower Girls, where they belong, and everybody laughs at their flightiness and presumption. 

I can see why Noel wanted to be like Marcia.  (Although her inability to spell the character's name correctly kind of undercuts her claims of heroine worship.)
Eventually, I had to ask myself what happened to the Feminism that was so romantic when I was eight years old. Magnanimous women like Susan B. Anthony and Sojourner Truth (and let’s not forget Marsha Brady) fought for the right to have a voice. They gave eloquent and impassioned speeches that were full of truth and dignity - and, you know, ssense. 
If The Brady Bunch was based on today’s brand of Feminism, Marsha would have taken over Greg’s troop, started a small army named “The Uterus Brigade,” and shuffled the men into concentration camps.
Because today's brand of feminism is some Nazified perversion of the kind of feminism practiced by heroines like Marcia Brady in the 1970's.
Yes, as a woman, I face certain challenges on a daily basis that men do not. One of those happens to be finding ways to distance myself from the fanatical, ludicrous methods of today’s feminists.

Feminism has become so twisted that it now ironically promotes all of those things that the original feminists fought against.
They promote not educating girls, the debased role of women in society, disenfranchising women, and restrictions against women working?  The bitches!
Of course, that does not stop modern feminists from likening themselves to great women in history, and claiming credit for their accomplishments. Because of this hypocrisy, today’s Feminism is part of my problem rather than my solution.

Well, I want it back!
Does anybody know what "it" refers to in the above sentence?  (I'm guessing,"my childhood dream of being blonde and popular like Marcia Brady," but I could be wrong.)
So here is what I propose: Just like when somebody stole something in Kindergarten, we’ll shut off the lights and give it thirty seconds. Whoever took the dignity and nobility out of Feminism can put it back. That way when we turn the lights back on, everyone can focus on the original goals of Feminism and perhaps we can be productive again. Maybe, with time, men can even be reprogrammed to open doors again without fear of retaliation, and those few brave, chivalrous souls who never gave it up can come out of hiding. Then I, too, can wear the neat shirts that say, “This is what a feminist (a strong woman, not a left-wing propagandist) looks like,” (Quite frankly, I’m sick of all the angry women bogarting the cool, indignant clothing).
Noel, if you really "want to be taken seriously just as much as the next woman," you're going to have to stop writing columns like this one.  (The next woman happens to be Kathleen Parker this time out -- and while she's no Jane Austen, at least she doesn't capitalize "kindergarten.") 

And you know, this all reminds me of the time when Jan was jealous of blonde, popular Marcia, and so entered Townhall's patriotic essay contest.  She lost by one vote, thus demonstrating that despite her youthful dreams of literary success, due to her cliched ideas, clunky prose, and lack of research, her work just wasn't good enough for public consumption. 

Now, everyone repeat with me: "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"  

I'd have more to say to young Noel, but something suddenly came up.

9:31:02 PM    

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