February 19, 2006 by s.z.

We Have Winners! Yes, it's time to announce the winners in our latest round of "Who Said It?" You people were fairly quick to name our Mystery Guests, although you didn't always get the topic on which they were opining (which, in all fairness, you probably wouldn't have even if you had read their entire column, since I'm not sure that even they knew what they were talking about).  But we had such high quality guesses that we had to give out lots and lots of style points.  (There were so many deserving entries that we could have given out even more sps, but we didn't, since we didn't want to dilute the honor of this award -- so, we preserved our integrity by favoring the earlier entries.) And I do have to give some bonus points to arghous, who tried to find the Unified Field of Wintnuttery: There's a single, overriding topic 'o the day that all six of our MGs were attempting to discuss? Lordy! I'll guess that seeing how Dick Cheney has lost his status as a super manly man following his latest foray into gross ineptitude, they're all valiantly trying to show, using their own humble selves as examples, that the Right still has the grand wingnuttiness to persevere in the holy crusade that Dick can no longer lead. That, or the same topic 'o every week: that they're victims of the most insidious persecution by the Left so they'll stamp their little Trelaine feet and be very, very angry. Wah! Yes, victimization does seem to be the Unified Field that explains all wingnuttery. But on to our winners: 1.   Bill O'Reilly, alerting the world to the fact that he hasn't seen Brokeback Mountain yet because he's too much of a cowboy to go to those new-fangled picture shows.  (Instead of going to the movies, he spends quality time with his penis-shaped vibrator.) Winner: Bill S. who got both the author and the context.  Style points: The Right Honourable Christopher Hazell, Esq. Viscount of Plocking-upon-Warwickshire: Jason Voorhees. You can tell from the fact that his first reaction to a couple screwing in the wilderness is to kill them. It's not well known, but Mrs. Voorhees used to leave little Jason in theatres playing The Good, The Bad and The Ugly for days at a time. Topic: Freddy Vs Jason: A Critical Analysis Clif: I wonder what Clint, Lee and Eli would have done if they heard Bill talking about rubbing falafel over an intern in a shower. I don't think gunfire would have been involved but barf bags certainly would have. And TomG: #1 has to be Bill O'Reilly. I guess being Mr. Bluecollar guy isn't manly enough in these troublesome times, so now he wants to be a cowboy. Well, Gabby Hayes anyhow. 2.   James Dobson, commenting on that "Renew America" column by Andrew Longman which Sadly, No! told you about.  It seems that it really hurt James' feelings that Alan Keyes would go around telling everybody that James believes that gays should have equal rights, when in truth James never said anything of the kind (he was just looking out for elderly sisters who live together but who DON'T have sex).  And anybody who says otherwise wasn't being Christian. Winners: Bill S., who named our wingnut, and D. Sidhe, who sorta provided the context ("James SpongeDob Squarepants, who apparently is in favor of some Ohio bill or another which would provide equal rights for fornicators, I still don't know why. I assume it's not because he's pro-homo.)   Well, it was actually a Colorado bill, and per Dobson, it would only provide equal rights for people who AREN'T HAVING SEX!  (You know, so that Ben Shapiro can pull the plug on granny when the time comes.)  But I still am going a point to Ms. Sidhe for her response. Style Points: The Right Honourable Chris: Jesus Christ. He's been losing his cachet here in America ever since people discovered that he never actually said anything about gays Topic: His appearance on Oprah, hocking his newest book 3.   Kaye Grogan, punditing about the plan to let a Saudi U.A.E. firm manage six of our ports.  Kaye is against it.  She's also against illegal aliens, caviar, and zombies. Winner: Bill S. Style Points: Tara the anti-social social worker #3 is famous shrink-to-the-zombies Charles Krauthammer, trying to drum up business 4.  Me, paraphrasing Ann Coulter, who apologized for her "raghead" remark by saying the following in her last column: If you don't want to get shot by the police, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, then don't point a toy gun at them. Or, as I believe our motto should be after 9/11: Jihad monkey talks tough; jihad monkey takes the consequences. Sorry, I realize that's offensive. How about "camel jockey"? What? Now what'd I say? Boy, you tent merchants sure are touchy. Grow up, would you? Winner: Bill S. Style points: The R.H. Chris: The Intergalactic Empire's Official Court Jester Ann Coulter She was caught in a freak ion storm and it made her say some intemperate things about our glorious leader. It looks like it's off to the Agony Booth for her. Tara the anti-social social worker #4 is Harry Whittington, after a large payoff from Cheney.  D. Sidhe Bizarro Ann Coulter, in a universe which doesn't exist, in a time which will never come to pass. And Marq: Was famed kitten tutorer, s.z. Why did she do it? For the sheer sake of pure evil, folks. And Green Stamps?. 5.   Young Nathanael Blake, stealing Dr. Mike's shtick and whining about how "The Vagina Monologues" uses icky, dick-shriveling words, such as "vagina." Winner: a cranny mint, who got both the writer and the context: It is young Master Blake reveling that he can use "cunt" in an article. If it had been the Penis Monologues I am sure he would have been reclaiming the word smegma with the best of them. Style Points: R.Porrofatto I initially thought that #5 was from Dr. Mike— the guy who hopes more than anything that, on their next "hunting" trip together, Doug Giles shoots a "load" into his face just so he can "apologize" to him later for being "in the way." Tara the anti-social social worker #5 is VBen Shapiro, who was busy watching The L-Word, for, you know, research. And Marq: Dr. Professor Mike Adams attends Corretta Scott king's funeral and finds something to be offended by. Again. 6.   Doug Giles, providing us with "A Hunter's Take on Cheney's Mistake."  (And that take is that Dick's only mistake was shooting a fellow hunter in the face, while the media's larger mistake was reporting on it.  And, to be fair, at least Dick forthrightly admitted his error, unlike how various Democrats would have hypothetically trotted out their friends to blame the victim for the accident, and how they wouldn't have corrected said friends for days, and how Brit Hume would have never called them on their moral cowardice. Winner: Ken Style Points: Marq: While this coulda seemed like Bill O'Fallaffel, I think this is probably Rushbo, though there's no tell-tale drug joke. Or maybe it is O'Liely. [smacks forehead] D'oh! Relax--it's both! From Bill & Rush's magnum opus, "How to Turn a Pile of Pseudophed Into a Mountain of Cash--Building Your Own Meth Lab for Fun and Profit." TomG:  Doug "Really I'm one of the cool Christian kids" Giles. It's the weird "wedged-up-the-left's-backside" which seems more Gilesish than Limbaugian. While nuts, it lacks the oxycotin-induced drool factor. 7.  Debbie Schlussel, explaining how Ann Coulter had no choice but to commit voter fraud, since so many Arab men want her.  As they do Debbie.  In fact, so many of the big, hulking, swarthy brutes, all reeking of testosterone and violence, want to have their way with Debbie that the FBI has ordered her to never again appear on the "Sean Hannity" radio show, no matter how much Sean begs her to return, which he does on an hourly basis because he is hopelessly in love with Debbie and wants to marry her. Winner: Bill S. Style Points: Modern Major-General Jack Bauer. He lives a dangerous life, that Jack. I didn't know he was in Mensa. You learn something new everyday, I guess. julia: Geez, MENSA? You know, Debs, there's another place out there for people who do well on standardized tests that predict very little other than your success in areas that rely on facility with standardized tests. It's called "college" I'm beginning to think you didn't do very well there. You sure don't say a lot to remind folks you've been.   Davis: Only Debbie would make "National Merit Finalist" a life-long resume item. And TomG: Debbie Snackcakes. Oh,and tell Ms. Mensa that it is "it is not an option for either Ann or me." Well, I guess they have one more reason to dismantle our public school system: "National Merit Finalist Doesn't Know Basic Grammar."  Anyway, congrats to everyone who participated in this round.  And big smooches to our Mystery Guests, for providing us with such inspiring quotations.  9:18:29 PM

We No Longer Care That Our VP Shot an Old Guy in the Face Yup, we are now all officially over this. Hindrocket said so. Cheney Story Fizzles I missed this when it appeared a couple of days ago, but Rasmussen Reports did a survey on Vice-President Cheney's hunting accident. Rasmussen asked whether the accident "raises serious questions about his ability to serve as Vice President," or was "just one of those very embarrassing things that happens to all of us." The result: 27% say it "raises serious questions," while more than twice as many, 57%, say it was "just one of those things." The press corps whiffs again. Of course, when I conducted my own survey, asking people whether "Dick Cheney should be allowed to shoot anybody he wants, even your old grandmother or little child, and then eat their corpses, and never have to answer to anybody about it" or "As a general rule, would you prefer me not to shoot you right now in the face and chest with 200 lead pellets," 95% of those questioned chose the second response. Proof positive that Hindrocket is a wiener! But let's get back to the Rasmussen survey (which I don't know how Hindrocket could have missed for so long, since it was trumpeted loudly by Fox News). While I don't believe that this accident necessarily raises serious questions about Cheney's ability to serve as be vice president (I think that his conduct in the Plame matter demonstrates that he is unfit for the job, however), I sure as hell don't consider shooting somebody to be an "oopsie" moment.  Oh, and in my part of the world, blasting somebody in the face with a shotgun is NOT the kind of innocent mistake that happens to all of us. I personally have never shot anyone. None of my male relatives (most of whom are dedicated hunters) have ever shot anyone. (Say what you will about them, at least they all take gun safety very seriously.) And if I ever did accidentally shoot somebody, I wouldn't consider it an embarrassing incident. No, I'd consider it a soul-searing moment that would haunt me for the rest of my life, and which would cause me to give up hunting forever. If I were Cheney, I'd probably resign my position, give all my money to the poor, and enter a monastary, in order to dedicate my life to atoning for my mistakes. (Okay, if I were Cheney, I would sneer at the idea of having to answer for any of my actions, but don't you think that he should at least donate $100 to Habitants for Humanity, or something?) But to get back to my survey: it also determined that people (at least 2 of them) also want to see photos of kittens. So, here you go: First, this is Tibby balancing on the aquarium filter and the very narrow edge of the tank (it seemed like a good idea at the time): (Note: the yellow and blue fish you can see here is actually just from the backdrop/sun shade behind the tank; however, the black fish below it is Blinky, who doesn't seem as scared of giant kittens from outer space as he should be.) And here is a photo of Zigra showing off the effects of his "tutoring."   ("Look, ma. no testicles!") 2:02:27 PM